World Mental Health Day 2021

How I plan to transform after years of being ruled by fear

10 October 2021 , 27 Comments

#AD #GIFTED – The Anti-Burnout Club

The post is full of honesty. I feel like it’s time to be brutally honest about my mental health struggles…

Just imagine for a second, years of being ruled by fear. The reality is most of the people close to me are unaware of the extent to which fear previously ruled my life. I hid it well.

Then my mental breakdown happened. A final meltdown, shutdown. I was in hysterics talking gibberish to my hubby on the phone. It felt like someone had switched me off to reboot the system. However, they couldn’t get me up and running again.

It would be months before I was anything like the former person I was. Throughout the recovery process, I realised I didn’t want to be the same person ever again. I needed a new improved version of myself. Someone who wanted to prioritise mental health, above all other things in life.

And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.

To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.

Years of being ruled by fear meant I was a shell of my former self. I was the organiser in the family, now I couldn’t stand to hear about the holidays we had planned. I previously managed money in the house. I was now ignoring letters and phone calls about our financial difficulties. I’d succeeded in my current career for 10 years and worked since I was 15 years old. I was shaking at the thought of opening my work laptop.

My breakdown was literally an adverse reaction to everything I’d ever known in the past.

I’m on the road to recovery now, but in order to understand what catastrophe took place on this average workday, we need to first go back in time to where I believe the decline in my mental health began.

Triggers

Being ruled by fear began when I was 18 years old. arguing with my dad. The feelings of anxiety related to this incident triggered something in me. A knot in my stomach, a dislike of arguing. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I actually asked my mum at the time whether my dad hated me. That’s how I felt. Why would this person so close to me be shouting at me otherwise? And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.

I have a constant ‘it’s the end of the world’ complex. This makes it incredibly difficult to look at the positives aspects of life. I have to work so hard each day and force myself to think positively. My default setting is the worst-case scenario. There is no in-between.

Therapy

Throughout the years, I’ve tried numerous different forms of therapy and I must say, all have worked for that period in time. At this point in my life, I need an overall reset. To look at the bigger picture and put tools in place to avoid depression moving forward.

It was an EFT therapist who discovered this argument between my dad & me. It seemed to be the beginning of my decline in mental health. This was only discovered after several sessions and money spent on private therapy. It came as a shock to me this was a catalyst for the grim future I had in front of me. Living under the grip of toxic anxiety.

To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.

Parents argue with children, especially teenagers, but my brain filters a normal, everyday situation and transforms it into something different.

If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.

Delving deeper into the trigger

When looking back over my years of living in constant fear, despite what the EFT therapist discovered, I genuinely don’t think this was the factor that exasperated my condition.

Arguing with anyone was an uncomfortable situation that led to other uncomfortable situations in life, because of the way I reacted to those scenarios. And the destructive activities I was partaking in to quiet the negative voice in my head didn’t help things.

Self-medicating

Fast forward to my early 20’s. I was out clubbing, with people I didn’t really class as friends, taking recreational drugs for the first time. Obviously, I had a blast (or thought I did!) and clearly switched off the doubting, self-critical, toxic voice in my head for a while – what wasn’t to love?

I spent those partying days, outwardly having the best time of my life, but inside I was always accountable to my instincts. They told me this was wrong, unethical, not what I should be doing. I am a homely person who prefers a glass of wine on the sofa, with a blanket, reading a book. Partying and lack of sleep just wasn’t me at all. I was living a lie!

You can see how I ended up in a dead-end relationship with a narcissist for 7 years of my life, who was also the one who facilitated the partying, encouraged this destructive behaviour and I think was incapable of valuing anyone, even himself. Deep down, I knew I was in the wrong situation in life, but kept plodding along, mainly due to fear and lack of confidence. Who else would want me? What if I was walking away from the wrong person? In hindsight, I was so dependent on this person for adding value to my life, it would take a lot of energy I just didn’t have to walk away.

For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!

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Why did it take so long to walk away from the destruction?

Due to years spent living in constant fear, it meant this became a way of life. You cannot change your behaviour overnight. Several pretty shocking events happened as a result of my destructive behaviour and one day I may talk about them. There are rebellious youngsters who make mistakes, but I would say some of the situations I put myself in were crossing a line. I learned my lesson and I am lucky to have the life I lead today. However, I probably would take back some of the things I did whilst my mind was altered.

But we live and learn. As human beings, we make mistakes and some people believe this makes you stronger.

Did I hide it well?

My anxiety issues were obvious to me at, living in my own head. But my mum’s own recent admission, that she including everyone else would “never have known” it was this bad, made me think I need an Oscar. But did I hide it well?

I did many abnormal things over the years, but they were clearly normal reactions to my circumstances and the situations I was putting myself in. I once broke down in front of a manager at work and was unable to talk for ages, after a fallout with the toxic boyfriend. This was just one of the out-of-control situations I put myself in.

To this day, I think people just conclude I’m a difficult person to be around. If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.

The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.

Isn’t this how everyone feels?

When you suffer from severe anxiety for so long, it becomes the norm. For years I genuinely believed everyone felt like this and it was a shock to me when I discovered everyone didn’t.

For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!

When you are being ruled by fear, your thoughts tell you something completely different from reality. You can see why it can eventually result in a complete mental breakdown.

Thoughts are just thoughts

Part of me knows my thoughts are just that, thoughts. But it doesn’t help to tell myself this when I’m in the midst of a panic attack or bout of depression. Something which isn’t me takes over, another, darker side. I become the opposite of my personality. A shadow of the person I am. A weakened, frightened person.

During my recovery, the most ridiculous thing I’ve dealt with is openly not regretting a single second of my anxious past. It sounds silly to say you would torture yourself in your own head for 15 years until you literally break into a million pieces and have to put yourself back together again. Camber out of the dark, dingy pit you were in and slowly learn to function again. Why would someone want to do that to themselves? The answer – because I wouldn’t be where I am today, hopefully helping other people.

I figure it’s pointless going over the past, regretting the opportunities I didn’t take, and better spending time focusing on the future and being thankful for the lessons I’ve learned.

Who am I today?

The person I am today is a great mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, work colleague, writer, blogger, content creator, and mental health advocate. My failures struggles and regrets made me the person I am today. Including the anxiety voice, I still carry around with me.

Because of my struggles over the last few years, I am confident in using all the labels above to describe myself. I am seeking opportunities that align with my personality and purpose in life. I am determined to carve out a path to a great work-life balance. I am me again. Whoever I was supposed to be before my brain started turning on me all those years ago.

During my recovery process, I’ve had a hard time deciding where my personality ends and anxiety starts. But maybe the anxiety is a symptom of my personality. My personality traits involve being driven and determined. I guess this can easily lead to me putting pressure on myself to get things done. I’m highly creative, so I face burnout trying to record all the thoughts whizzing round in my head.

The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.

I have a new tool…

If you’ve been following my blog, you know I am in the process of putting tools in place for managing my anxiety.

You can find details below of another tool I will be using. I am recommending it because I think it can also help other people.

World Mental Health Day offer

#AD #GIFTED

I am excited to share with you a free 21-day membership offer for The Anti-Burnout Club app.

The offer is valid for 24 hours from today. Please visit this dedicated page to sign up.

The Anti-Burnout Club is giving everyone free access until the end of October, to help make self-care more accessible.

Final thoughts

I hope you liked my post. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

World Mental Health Day 2021

5 vital tools to prevent seasonal affective disorder during the cold months of the year

7 October 2021 , 18 Comments

Why I’m exploring tools to help prevent seasonal affective disorder

It’s a proven fact our mental health can naturally suffer during the colder months of the year. There is a condition called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). You can find an explanation on Mind.org.

The website lists the following symptoms:

lack of energy
finding it hard to concentrate
not wanting to see people
sleep problems, such as sleeping more or less than usual, difficulty waking up, or difficulty falling or staying asleep
feeling sad, low, tearful, guilty or hopeless
changes in your appetite, for example feeling more hungry or wanting more snacks
being more prone to physical health problems, such as colds, infections or other illnesses
losing interest in sex or physical contact
suicidal feelings
other symptoms of depression

Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for you.

prevent seasonal affective disorder
mind.org symptoms

Due to lack of sunlight, or the ability to do as much exercise, our mental health can be negatively impacted. With the darker nights setting in, it isn’t as easy to go for an evening walk. We take it for granted in summer. We can come home from work, eat, have some downtime and also still then go outside. We don’t have this luxury in the UK from September onwards.

Preventing seasonal affective disorder isn’t easy. If like me, you already struggle with your mental health, it can be difficult to manage physical changes which may add to this burden. Some of the tools I use to manage my anxiety, like exercise and sitting on a bench in the park, may not be as readily available from now on. Sitting on a park bench is the last thing I want to do when it’s cold and raining sideways in the UK. It, therefore, becomes harder to stick to the routine I’ve previously built to keep my mind from getting carried away with itself.

The reality of cold months in the UK

I’ve personally suffered from down periods during the winter months in the past. Given the impact of the pandemic, I looked into buying a SAD lamp towards the back end of 2020. I know now, my mental health was already suffering due to work pressures and the impact the pandemic had on everyone’s mental health.

This year I need to be conscious I am only just returning to work around the time the darker nights start to set in and therefore I need to up my game in terms of self-care and preventative measures. It’s a catch 22 situation for me because I am looking forward to the autumn season, as explained in this post, but I am aware it could also negatively impact my mental health.

What does the research say?

When the autumn months arrive, we tend to want to stay indoors due to the cold weather. When you look outside and it’s cold and raining, all you want to do is get wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa. You’re happy when someone suggests coming to your house for a cup of tea rather than going out somewhere.

I’m a homebody and love being at home, but too much indoor activity isn’t good for my mental health either. Therefore, it’s a fine line and I may have to push myself to take a walk in the rain this year. I need to focus on the mental health benefits this could bring, rather than the physical comfort of being at home.

Here’s the research on the factors which cause poor mental health…

The NHS website confirms the following:

“The main theory is that a lack of sunlight might stop a part of the brain called the hypothalamus working properly, which may affect the:

production of melatonin – melatonin is a hormone that makes you feel sleepy; in people with SAD, the body may produce it in higher than normal levels
production of serotonin – serotonin is a hormone that affects your mood, appetite and sleep; a lack of sunlight may lead to lower serotonin levels, which is linked to feelings of depression
body’s internal clock (circadian rhythm) – your body uses sunlight to time various important functions, such as when you wake up, so lower light levels during the winter may disrupt your body clock and lead to symptoms of SAD”

There is also some research relating to lack of Vitamin D, which we naturally produce when exposed to sunlight:

“Deficits in vitamin D may exacerbate these problems because vitamin D is believed to promote serotonin activity. In addition to vitamin D consumed with diet, the body produces vitamin D when exposed to sunlight on the skin. With less daylight in the winter, people with SAD may have lower vitamin D levels, which may further hinder serotonin activity.”

This Insider article explains more on the impact of lack of vitamin D during the winter months.

prevent seasonal affective disorder

5 vital tools

Tools I will be using this autumn/winter season

SAD lamp

Given my poor mental health across the majority of 2021, I think it’s time to invest in a SAD lamp and have it on my desk whilst I work. I need to act quickly and have measures in place to help if I’m unable to go outside for natural fresh air and sunlight.

Here are some I’ve found and I’m thinking of purchasing one:

If anyone has recommendations for these lamps, let me know in the comments below.

Vitamin D supplements

I will be taking a separate vitamin D supplement, starting in the next few weeks.

Calcium

The research also says taking a calcium supplement can help the vitamin D absorb in the body.

Less alcohol

One of the articles above mentions liver and kidney function impacting vitamin D absorption in the body. In order to feel well, I will aim to drink less alcohol and stay hydrated.

I know this comes at a time when people tend to drink more alcohol in the lead-up to the festive season. However, I need to be aware of the overall benefits of not getting sucked into this. Here are some amazing alcohol alternatives. I bought a few of these whilst I was pregnant. You still feel like you’re joining in, but don’t have the rubbish effects of alcohol on your body. I particularly suffer from IBS attacks when I drink a lot of alcohol and I become dehydrated easily.

Eat well

It’s tempting during the winter months to eat carbs or junk food. I think sometimes we subconsciously do this to feed an emotional void rather than physically feeding our bodies.

I will continue meal planning and shopping wisely with a view to no food waste, ensuring I eat healthily (you will hear more on my meal planning in future blog posts).

Final thoughts

If you’re impacted by any of the symptoms listed above, you can find details of mental health charities here.

Let me know your story if you have been impacted in the past and the measures you’re taking to get ready for the upcoming colder season.

I would love to hear from you.

World Mental Health Day 2021

An open letter to my anxiety

9 October 2021 , 60 Comments

I originally wrote this open letter to my anxiety post with a guest post opportunity in mind. But, instead, I decided to share it in the lead up to World Mental Health Day 2021

I am finally telling the negative voice in my head it doesn’t rule my thoughts and it has to go…

Anxiety,

I am writing to you, but not as a dear friend. Instead, as a goodbye! Yes, you will remain in healthy amounts and you will be managed when you become unruly.

But you will never again destroy my life as you have done for so many years. You’ve taken up rent-free space in my brain for too long now. Making me believe your negative jibes.

You made me pretend I was just a difficult person, that you were part of my personality, I was highly strung and you made me lie to the people closest to me to cover up our toxic partnership. I suffered in silence and my family never understood my erratic behaviour, until now. Honesty has made your existence worth nothing. You have no hold over me now. I am taking control of my mind. It’s mine, not yours.

I cut friends out of my life, partly due to the fears you poured into my head. I might have outgrown these friends anyway, but we will never know now.

Being in a better place mentally is wonderful and I finally feel free. On the other hand, it brings with it hindsight and looking over past decisions I’ve made. Your hold over me tarnished my life and stopped me from achieving some goals. Again, maybe these achievements were meant for me and maybe they were not.

Luckily, I am a strong-minded person. Therefore, I achieved my main goals in life. I got a degree, I had a career and I now have a wonderful husband and baby girl. To clarify, your presence made each of these tasks excruciating and painful to bear. It was difficult to get through each one of these achievements, but I did it, all whilst you lingered in the shadows, dragging me down.

I acted irrationally during what should have been the happiest times of my life. I saw situations through a negative lens because of you polluting my thoughts. I genuinely thought I was worthless, inadequate, not good enough to achieve my goals, be a good friend, wife, or mother. You made me believe I was nothing.

You made me spend years soul-searching, lost, lonely, and not knowing which direction to go in. Thankfully, my intuition is on point and I have my angels looking over me! Despite your poison, some higher power was guiding me through life, looking out for me.

I’ve already said goodbye to your ugly, negative vibes and gradually made progress in my recovery over the last few months. This letter is to cement this idea. To finally tell you to go away. You are being replaced with positive thoughts only and if you do creep back in, it won’t be for long. My toolbox of strategies will ensure you are quickly eradicated. Exterminated, gone!

Anxiety, you have been evicted. Banished to a locked box in a dark cave, so you can’t infect anyone else. I will never need you again. Stay locked away and allow me to reach my full potential in life.

Goodbye…

I hope you liked my post…

10 October 2021 27

#AD #GIFTED – The Anti-Burnout Club The post is full of honesty. I feel like it’s time to be brutally…

World Mental Health Day 2021

How relaxing our routine transformed our lives

8 October 2021 , 19 Comments

All right, who made up routines, and why were they imposed upon us?? Relaxing our routine was the best thing I did!

I get that some people need routine and this is fine if it’s what motivates you. I will probably be in need of a routine when I return to work, but for now, it’s time to not be so stringent. It’s time to relax and try a different way. We want to be less stressed as a family and I can change this by making a few adjustments.

Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.

Personally, I’ve spent at least 15 years working my backside off, not having enough time to do anything and generally being stressed and anxious most of the time.

It was time for a change! Relaxing our routine was the only way forward.

The science behind routine…

Whilst there are a lot of articles out there discussing the benefits of keeping to a routine, there are also a lot discussing why it doesn’t work for some people. This article discusses the difference between a habit and a routine. Was it the case that I had picked up bad habits during my anxiety-fuelled years?

Regardless of the reason behind relaxing our routine and why it needed to happen, I decided it was time for a change.

Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.

Because I was at rock bottom, what did I have to lose by changing the way we do things? Why not throw out our routine completely?

Baby routines

When our little one was a baby, we tried sleep routines, googling techniques, took advice from other parents. Despite this, she’s strong-willed and basically does what she wants!

She also lived her early years through the pandemic. A period of time in which all of our usual routines were turned upside down, taken away, or possibly changed forever. Children are resilient and as much as I worried about what impact the pandemic would have on her, it appeared to have none (I realise some children were impacted by the pandemic and it has greatly affected some people’s mental health).

What prompted me to change things

Relaxing our routine wasn’t easy. We have a hectic schedule, like any other family with a feisty toddler running around. Given our individual circumstances: me off work recovering from a breakdown (the hubby sprained his foot during this time also and had to recover), and our baby girl needing a break from me rushing her out of the door to value a job which ate my soul each day, I made the executive decision to break all family routines.

Routine, it’s time for us to have a break from each other… Maybe when I need you back, we can be friends again…

How relaxing our routine transformed our lives

In this new world of pleasing ourselves, we had a sleep-in when we wanted, I emailed the nursery to let them know we would be slightly late. I felt able to recover, finally, due to prioritising my rest. Who really cares if we do the nursery drop at 9.30 am instead of 8 am – nobody!

Why do we as human beings put so much pressure on ourselves to meet deadlines, run around in stress mode? Do we feel busier and more important because we are so strict with ourselves?

During our hiatus from routine, if I wanted to write on Google docs on my phone in bed late at night, that’s what I did. If I wanted to stay up until 2 am extracting ideas from my head, because this is the time I was the most creative, this is what I did.

The cleaning took a back burner. When I say took a back burner I mean, I went from a clean freak to probably completing the same level of cleaning as other normal people. I was finally one of those people, where if the dishes at the side of the dishwasher piled up, it wasn’t such a bad thing.

Moving forward

Now I’m further down the line in the process of my recovery from a mental breakdown, it might be time to start introducing some basic routines again, but slowly.

And to be honest, I don’t think I will ever adopt such stringent routines as the ones in my old life. They held me back, cut me off from thriving, and were created out of self-limiting beliefs.

In line with carving out a new, healthier path, there needs to be new rules and routines to abide by. After all, I am a different person now.

World Mental Health Day 2021

The stark truth about my last anxiety-filled day and exactly what it felt like

4 October 2021 , 8 Comments

Why am I sharing this post?

I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:

My battle to access support for antenatal depression during pregnancy

It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.

The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.

How the day began

The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.

We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.

This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.

Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.

My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.

I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.

The rest of the day

It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.

I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.

The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.

I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.

Winding down from anxiety

The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).

I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.

I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.

After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.

For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.

If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.

Was this a setback?

This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.

The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.

We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.

There is hope

I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.

A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.

I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below…

World Mental Health Day 2021

Why it’s vital to understand the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown

6 October 2021 , 18 Comments

The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.

Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.

It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.

For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.

workplace conditions which led to my breakdown

Why it's vital to understand the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown

Why am I writing this post?

I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.

For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.

I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.

However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.

Knowing the signs

Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?

Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.

There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.

If you are impacted these issues

If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.

Final thoughts

I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.

My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.

That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.

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World Mental Health Day 2021

#AD #GIFTED – The Anti-Burnout Club

The post is full of honesty. I feel like it’s time to be brutally honest about my mental health struggles…

Triggers

Therapy

Delving deeper into the trigger

Self-medicating

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Why did it take so long to walk away from the destruction?

Did I hide it well?

Isn’t this how everyone feels?

Thoughts are just thoughts

Other posts you might like…

Who am I today?

I have a new tool…

World Mental Health Day offer

Final thoughts

Why I’m exploring tools to help prevent seasonal affective disorder

The reality of cold months in the UK

What does the research say?

Here’s the research on the factors which cause poor mental health…

Tools I will be using this autumn/winter season

SAD lamp

Vitamin D supplements

Calcium

Less alcohol

Eat well

Final thoughts

I originally wrote this open letter to my anxiety post with a guest post opportunity in mind. But, instead, I decided to share it in the lead up to World Mental Health Day 2021

I am finally telling the negative voice in my head it doesn’t rule my thoughts and it has to go…

I hope you liked my post…

You can read more of my blog posts in the mental health category here…

The science behind routine…

Baby routines

What prompted me to change things

How relaxing our routine transformed our lives

Moving forward

Why am I sharing this post?

How the day began

The rest of the day

Winding down from anxiety

Was this a setback?

There is hope

I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!

Why am I writing this post?

Knowing the signs

Other posts you may like to read in the mental health category

These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:

1. Work pressure

2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department

3. No lunches or breaks

4. Nobody to talk to

5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality

6. An impending doom

7. The threat of redundancy

If you are impacted these issues

Final thoughts

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