Why am I sharing this post?
I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:
It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.
The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.
How the day began
The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.
We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.
This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.
Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.
My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.
I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
The rest of the day
It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.
I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.
The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.
I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.
Winding down from anxiety
The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).
I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.
I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.
For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.
If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.
Was this a setback?
This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.
The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.
We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.
There is hope
I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.
A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.
I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below…
I thoroughly enjoyed this post and can definitely relate as a mom of 2 who struggles with depression and anxiety. Thank you for sharing!
I am glad you can relate to this, but I am sorry to hear you struggle too. It isn’t nice when having to care for little ones. Hugs. Take care of yourself x
Thank for sharing your experience 🙂 I have battled anxiety for many years and read this at the perfect time. I’ve been feeling it creep back up and that led to an anxious overthinking spiral but a setback doesnt mean I’m all the way back 🙂 We’ll conquer this! I wish you the best x
I am glad the post helped and sorry to hear about your anxiety.
Sometimes we will have setbacks, but what matters is we realise what is happening to us, which you obviously do.
We will conquer this!!
This is such a wonderfully honest post and will help so many moms out there thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your comment.
I hope it helps people and I want to be honest about the reality of mental illness in my posts.
Hopefully, it will inspire a more open discussion.