POST UPDATED – AUGUST 2023
Toddlers can be frustrating at times, but I always try and put myself in their shoes. How much emotion would you feel if you had something to say but didn’t know the words yet? Bless them. Yes, it is tough to think like this when a toddler is testing your limits and pushing your boundaries. But as adults, I feel like we must. We are responsible adults and our brains are actually capable of processing emotions. Unlike the brain of a child.
Please note – before we get into this post, I should say, I acknowledge parenting is the hardest job in the world. I get angry and frustrated, just like any other parent. But in our household, we do make a conscious effort to resolve conflict situations differently with our little ones.
I am no expert on this subject, nor do I incorporate all the elements of gentle parenting. I am still very much on a learning journey. But I wanted to share our experience in order to help other people out there.
Accepting that all behaviour is communication and it is age appropriate for their developmental stage, really allows you to parent differently.
Let’s look at the science
I think once you get your head around the fact toddlers don’t actually possess the same brain capabilities and development as adults, you can start to take things less personally. My little one is quite intelligent and can be grown up when she wants to. My hubby, mentioned the other day that sometimes we expect too much of her because of this, and we must remember the below.
Though your 3-year-old is beginning to understand the emotions they are feeling, they still have very little control over them. If they find something funny, they’ll laugh hysterically. If something makes them feel sad or angry, they’ll burst into tears.
Webmd
If they feel something, they are likely to act on it. This may mean snatching a toy away from another child if they want to play with it, or getting upset when they want a snack after being told they have to wait until dinnertime. Delayed gratification means nothing to them – they want it and want it now.
Three- and 4-year-old children may use hitting, biting, or pushing as a way to solve conflicts. They simply don’t understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate interactions yet. It’s your job to teach your child that there are right and wrong ways to express emotions and resolve problems with others.
Changing your mindset about toddler behaviour
How powerful is reading this? Children may also laugh as a default when they don’t know what else to do. As a parent, it could seem like they are laughing at being told boundaries, or being sneaky. But this probably isn’t the case.
Accepting that all behaviour is communication and it is age appropriate for their developmental stage, really allows you to parent differently.
When you realise toddlers are simply finding their way through the world, how to respond and they simply don’t know the way yet. The adults around them can then act accordingly.
How did I realise what we did was gentle parenting?
I won’t mince my words here. Given my own upbringing, at a different stage time, where harsh discipline was accepted, I thought the term “gentle parenting” was just parents not being firm enough with their toddlers. In the very early days of having a baby, I had visions of reasoning with a little person in the supermarket and losing control. Which in turn would mean I lost control of the situation.
Joining TikTok made me realise how we parent within our family, is actually gentle parenting. And following Kelly Medina Enos on TikTok has helped. I love how honest she is and following her journey makes me feel comfortable with what we are doing. More importantly, it will never be perfect.
What changed in our parenting style?
Before our little one was born, I thought I would be a much harsher, stricter parent than I actually am.
When your little one starts moving around, touching plugs and threatening to hurt themselves every minute, you need to have parenting conversations. And you won’t always agree. My hubby and I were brought up the same way. Pretty afraid of our parents at times – that look they would give, or raised voices indicated we should stop doing this.
But I just have a burning question to ask, do you get the best out of anyone, even adults when you raise your voice? As I get older, I realise the answer is no.
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Setting a good example
Collectively, we decided a while ago we wanted to avoid shouting around our little one (this isn’t always possible – please don’t think we or any other parent is perfect – there are still disagreements and sometimes raised voices).
If we do shout, snap, or get frustrated, we talk about it together, with our little one. We say sorry and move on. And we have taught this lesson so effectively, our little one will come and apologise to us if she does something she knows she shouldn’t. Granted, it may take a while for her to walk away and come back. But she always comes back, eventually. And we try to mirror this example between ourselves.
I really believe this technique is teaching her to resolve conflict herself and how she should appropriately do this. Also that no human being is perfect. If she does something and apologies when she doesn’t need to, we explain that even adults get things wrong sometimes and this isn’t something she needs to apologise for.
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I’ve written another post, all about Gentle Parenting – check it out here
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Modelling behaviour
In order to calm a tantrum, we also do a breathing technique with her and one of us will take her out of the situation to calm down. I believe toddlers get very overwhelmed by their surroundings. This in itself could cause a meltdown. Hell, as an adult sometimes I get overwhelmed.
They need help not frustration
Just think for a second about any situation you have ever resolved by shouting. Or being confrontational, or getting frustrated. I bet it is very few. Why then, do we get frustrated with toddlers? Surely we should be actively helping them handle emotions, especially when they don’t fully understand what is happening to them. They don’t have the capability or brain power to regulate themselves and will probably wonder why adults are also becoming frustrated.
There are some other blog posts in the Gentle Parenting category – check them out here
Parents are a guide
It’s a heavy burden to carry, but as parents, we are responsible for guiding our little ones. Whether we like it or not, how they develop now will also greatly impact their future lives.
Why it matters
Positive experiences throughout childhood help to build healthy brains, while experiencing childhood trauma and abuse can harm a child’s brain development (Shonkoff et al, 2015).
NSPCC.ORG
But our brains always have the potential to change and grow. It’s never too late to give a child or young person positive brain-building experiences.
Final thoughts
I was dubious about releasing this post. Simply because of my feelings when I first heard the term ‘gentle parenting’. We still have a lot to learn and our parenting style will never be perfect. But hopefully, we are setting a foundation to provide our little one with the tools she will need to thrive in life.
Keep an eye on my parenting resources page and my TikTok to follow our gentle parenting journey. I plan to share with you any resources we are using.
Any advice is also welcome – let us know in the comments below.
I never really thought of my parenting style until I saw the show “The Parenting Test” on Hulu. They got 12 families together with different parenting styles and challenged them on different things to see which parenting style was most effective. While watching this show I realized that I am a disciplined parent. I feel that as parents we use different parenting styles in different situations. And we are all trying to do our best.
I want to watch this! And I agree, everyone is different and we are entitled to be. I think it can also depend on the child and their personality.
I found this really helpful! My son is only 5 months old so too early for GP yet but is something I want to do when he’s old enough and ready. I feel like it would be good for all of us.
Glad you found the post helpful. It’s all about setting the right intention for when he is older. We grew up in a different time, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. But I didn’t want to repeat any negative cycles.
Gentle parenting is an interesting concept. I am not a parent, so I can’t completely relate with how difficult it is. But I have worked as a teacher for over a decade and I’ve witnessed many children and their behavior. Even reacting to my teaching styles.
As you said, setting a good example is a great start and not shouting is also quite important. Kids are like sponges and absorb all input and use that.
But too gentle won’t prepare the for the real world. There is a lot of instinct involved and it’s great to read that you and your husband keep talking about it. Because it is a team effort.
Great post again and as I’m not a parent, it’s difficult for me to respond. But I’ve analysed my teaching style over the years and saw what affects kids most. Positivity definitely beats shouting and anger.
I totally agree, balance and instinct in the moment is also important. And definitely team work!
I’ve read a lot about gentle parenting and, while I think it’s lovely in comparison to what I grew up with, I can imagine it’s difficult to manage. Where’s the line? What’s too gentle and not gentle enough? And is it right for my child? My husband and I have decided against children, so this won’t be an issue for us. But looking into this sort of thing still fascinates me.
I totally agree. We live in different times now, which is good. It is difficult to find the boundaries though.
Too gentle isn’t good. But too strict is not good either. Parenting must have a balance. That’s what I believe.
I totally agree.
I’ve always been a pretty good communicator. But, only after becoming a mom, did I realize that I had a lot of room for improvement. I try to be hyper-aware of how I am speaking to my daughter. When she was young, the default was in how I was raised. Don’t get me wrong, I had a loving family, but I knew that in today’s world, I wanted to give her better tools for expression. I often apologize to her when I get angry and raise my voice when I need to take a minute to breathe. She’s a big apologizer too. Being a single parent is so hard and there is no one to tag in to help out. But, I know that how I speak to her will stay with her. I want her to know what is appropriate and what isn’t so she doesn’t accept anything less. Great post and excellent reminders.
I love this response. Totally how I feel about the situation. They are really impacted by how we talk to them. You’re doing amazing x
Really informative post. Parenting toddlers can be really challenging. I often say at this stage it is about good communication with your toddler, role modelling and building positive parenting habits. Great post!
Totally agree with all of this. They literally copy everything. So if adults are communicating by shouting, it isn’t good!
Great references from the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children and WebMD.
There is a wonderful blog called Peace I Give.
And it’s great to know that you are already consciously doing a lot of the principles of gentle parenting.
There is another book by Carol Lerner about WHY IS MY CHILD IN CHARGE – she had a lot of ideas about why parents apologise to their children when they don’t need to and why children apologise to their parents.
The example I remember is the two-year-old who wanted her mother to wear a bun in her hair all the time.
[Perhaps the child was worried her mother’s hair might be caught or she wanted not to pull it and be tempted].
It is a maintenance of the relationship or a reassurance they are seeking.
I think a lot of all the subtle cruelties that we do to small people.
And I am glad that you perceived the overwhelm that infants and toddlers and preschoolers so often feel in a world made for adults and older children.
It is good that she knows that adults get things wrong sometimes and that she doesn’t need to apologise for it.
Melinda Wenner Moyer [who wrote IS MY CHILD AN ASSHOLE] wrote about children and empathy and perspectives.
I saw that you separated gentle parenting from attachment parenting and attachment-based therapy.
I also remember that Carol Lerner talked about why children laugh at being corrected.
I think it is because it takes them out of their perspective and puts them into another one – which is what humour does.
The way that you were brought up to fear your parents – your husband too.
Hayley Runnels from THE UNDONE MAMA has lots of ideas and graphics about breaking the cycles of trauma and abuse – or not creating them in the first place.
Gentle parenting can be preventative and prophylactic.
And you do seem to understand that AGE appropriate and DEVELOPMENTALLY appropriate are different.
There are two good blogs called QUOTIDIAN PEACE and A MOTHER SPEAKS [a viper in our midst – the ex is a narcissist/antisocial personality].
And last week/a fortnight ago someone from WONDERBABY in Boston reviewed 5 or 7 good books about Gentle Parenting as it is done in the 21st century.
Janet Lansbury talks a lot about respect for the infant.
I also hear a lot about respectful parenting and/or peaceful parenting. [Peaceful parenting especially in the Montessori worlds].
Thanks for sharing these resources 🙂