Moving on from past trauma in order to make healthy future decisions

I’m writing this post today as a result of seriously struggling to recant and put into words my birth experience for a guest post I agreed to do. Moving on from past trauma is essential to thriving and moving forward in life, but also a difficult process to go through.

If you’re a follower of the blog, you will see I don’t struggle to discuss other difficult topics. I’ve written about telling my anxiety to go away. I’ve shared with you all a setback in my recovery following a breakdown. So why was this topic so difficult to write about? 

In readiness for the guest post I committed to, I did write most of the piece, up until a certain point. But I was reluctant to go back and finish it and even wrote a note in my planner to tell the recipient I wouldn’t be able to submit it. I have now sent this email and although I feel bad for not producing the guest post, I feel happy I know when not to share personal details about my life. More importantly, when I need to use my writing to heal myself first. Then share with others.

TRIGGER WARNING – for anyone who finds birth stories difficult to read, I suggest not reading this article in full.

There are a few reasons I don’t want to release this birth story piece in full

However, below are the reasons I want to acknowledge the issue is causing me an emotional roadblock

1. Honesty about parenting issues 

When I started this blog, I vowed to be honest about my mental health struggles. Especially those related to pregnancy. Moving on from past trauma is something I must discuss on this platform.

In all honesty, this is a topic that comes up a lot in my marriage and my conversations with close friends. My family is aware we are contemplating having another child and we discuss our feelings when the topic arises. But it’s almost like there is a roadblock and we just can’t seem to shift it. We have general conversations about the cost of another child. There is no avoiding the fact that ill-health, maternity leave, buying new things for a baby, all have an impact on your finances.

During these conversations, I say I don’t want to give up my body for another child again. I like my life the way it is. However, at this point, I feel like we need to have in-depth, real, healing conversations about what the birth experience did to us both. We need to get to the nitty-gritty of the issue so we can finally move on. The fact we are struggling with this issue, tells me unhealed trauma can wreak all kinds of havoc on peoples’ lives, and the solution for us might be more difficult than we anticipated.

2. The nitty-gritty of the issue

Essentially we don’t want to run the risk of reliving this trauma again or having a potentially worse outcome next time. There is nothing worse for the human mind than events in life confirming things can go wrong and it could happen to you again. You can only imagine what it does to my anxiety levels. 

Childbirth is scary and uncertain. But potentially even worse when you’ve already been through an emergency during pregnancy. And this is what happened to us.

3. I am sure some my readers can relate

Moving on from past trauma isn’t just something we are experiencing. It impacts so many other people.

The purpose of this blog is to make my readers feel less alone, by sharing my own experiences. The birth of a baby is one of the main pregnancy and parenting topics I can write about honestly.

For my readers, the hope is someone reads my perspective and feels better. Maybe they acknowledge they are less alone. Maybe they recognise something is holding them back in life. I don’t know. But I feel compelled to share, the reason I couldn’t divulge all details, but be glad I was able to acknowledge there was a problem we need to overcome.

4. Every birth experience is unique

I was there when a friend had her baby. I had my own. Of all the birth experiences I’ve heard of and read about, not a single one was similar. During my antenatal depression, I also realised you bring your own experiences, fears, tiredness, to the situation. How can anyone’s experience be the same bearing this in mind? 

My anxiety levels impacted my birth experience. I was on guard, I felt like everyone was against me and I crumbled when they sent my hubby home. I desperately needed the one person who knew me well to be by my side.

Unfortunately, I think factors such as the hospital you visit, the time of day (there were not enough night shift staff and I was impacted by this), and the staff involved in your care, can impact the level of care you receive. It shouldn’t be the case, but sadly it is.

5. I am all too aware of negative outcomes and do not wish to trigger someone 

A close friend of mine had a baby early and it was a traumatic experience for her. Luckily all was well and still is to this day. When my little one was whisked off to the baby unit due to lack of oxygen and turning blue, you can imagine what went through my head. This is happening in front of you after not eating or sleeping for a prolonged period and having gone through an emergency C section, with a high temperature. It’s easy to see why parents emerge from birth experiences impacted. For the family members standing at the sidelines watching, the lack of control must be horrible.

I realise some parents go through a worse hell and my thoughts, hugs, and love are with those people. But my five days of visiting the baby unit and being away from my child were hell, for me. It caused unhealed trauma to our family. When I came home before her, I cried myself to sleep. I had left a piece of me behind and I felt lost. All I wanted to do was get out of bed and drive to the hospital (the neonatal visiting hours are 24 hours a day, so you can!).

At the same time, I knew she was in the best place and was being looked after. I also knew I needed to rest and recover from a c section. You just cannot win in this situation. You get up each day, switch on autopilot and get through it. It isn’t until later you think of the after-effects of what you went through.

Leaving her to be cared for was horrible but necessary. I will say, the baby unit had a few rooms where parents could stay if they wanted to. We were offered one towards the end of my hospital stay, which I was thankful for. We decided to come home and let another family take this room, bearing in mind we would only face two days without her.

The reality is this time apart has impacted all experiences in our family since, especially for me. I still sleep next to my little one, which I love. But I am conscious part of it probably relates to not wanting to leave her again. At some point, she will need to sleep in her room, (she does have a beautifully decorated room, fit for a school-age child!) I just don’t want to let her go yet.

The only thing I will say to parents out there is to ALWAYS do what’s best for your family at the moment in time. Karen from Mumsnet bears no impact on your life and certainly knows nothing about your family or motivations for your decision. This is why I dislike unsolicited parenting advice. How could you possibly offer advice tailored to a person’s individual experiences?

6. I don’t want to share the intimate details 

Look, I’m all for sharing my experiences. But sharing the gory details of birth doesn’t sit right with me. I simply don’t want to impact anyone else’s experience. I don’t want someone else out there to be afraid before they have even lived through something themselves. 

We are also quite a private family. The experience, whilst wonderful, did impact those who were present. My hubby saw me in pain, my poor mum waited almost two hours for an outcome following emergency surgery. I think we will leave the impact with us and not spread it any further.

Where am I now with a future baby making decision

I will say I feel a lot better than I did in the first year postpartum. I have moved past what happened and I get on with life. But I do not yet feel empowered to make a future decision on whether to have another baby. Logically, I do want another child. I have an instinct our family is not yet complete. Despite this motivation, something is still holding me back. 

Not only this, but I think all of us are impacted. My hubby weighs up the same excuses about money and time. But deep down I believe we are just reluctant to discuss the matter and move on.

It is time for us to have some difficult conversations and move past this. Our little one is thriving, full of energy, and has no ongoing problems. We should focus on this!

Final thoughts

I hope you have enjoyed reading this honest post.

If you can relate and feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

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