My mental breakdown happened in May 2021. A culmination of a difficult pregnancy, work stress, birth trauma, no self-care whatsoever, lack of sleep for a prolonged period and caring for a small child. I found the whole period overwhelming and there were not enough hours in a day to juggle the unmanageable load. The breaking point seemed to come when my workplace started adding too much pressure on everyone. Up until this point I was keeping my head above water, even though hindsight tells me it wasn’t a healthy way of living.
You have some pretty random thoughts when you’re in the midst of a mental breakdown and you cannot decipher fiction from reality. All the thoughts passing through your mind become your reality and you rely on the people closest to you to tell you which ones you should listen to.
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I know some people are dubious about awareness days. I totally agree with the point that mental health should be spoken about every. single. day. However, I will use awareness days to talk about my own personal experience. If one person who wasn’t aware of my situation, learns something new, I am happy. For me, it is all about raising awareness. In the hope that one day in the future, these small actions will amount to huge systematic changes.
Today I want to talk to you about where I am with my mental health journey and how long it took to be well again
Full system reboot
In previous blog posts, I discussed the feeling of my brain switching off and it couldn’t be restarted again. Throughout the aftermath of my mental breakdown, I spent my days pretty much switched off completely. Sitting on the sofa for hours on end, watching TV, but not really paying attention to anything. There was no sense of time. Depression made my cheeks hurt. I never thought you could get a cheek ache from a sad face, but you can.
My friends and family were very adamant about the fact I should continue a “normal” routine. I hate that word, because what is normal? It has a different meaning for each individual and I think the word acts as an unattainable standard. This is true in my life, anyway, so I avoid using the word.
Battling with your own mind is a daily challenge
During this period of recovery, every action, movement, and the daily task was a challenge. I had to work myself up to get a bath. My hubby pretty much forced me to go on a long walk one day and it took every ounce of energy I had to get out of the house. I still look at these pictures and remember the pain and general numbness I felt.
Childcare and mental illness
During this period, I absolutely focused my energy on looking after my little one, on the days she didn’t attend nursery. But, sometimes I just didn’t have the resources and therefore a lot of it fell to my hubby and parents to help out.
She also knew something was wrong and would come and “look after” me. Young children have a sixth sense and they can pick up on emotions, even if you think you’re hiding them well. I still feel mum-guilt for taking time out for self-care, sometimes. Especially napping in the afternoon if I need to. I’ve come to realise there are precautions I need to take in order to maintain a good standard of mental well-being. And I will always be honest with my little one, about emotions and why self-care is needed. Parents cannot parent well if we don’t look after ourselves. It’s a constant battle.
Bringing me back to life
My family and friends surrounded me with love, but I was emotional, worn down, and temperamental. It would be months before I had my life back, my personality and gained a sense of identity again. Depression strips you of all these things. The system reboot is what it says on the tin. You are stripped back to factory settings. A blank canvas. And hitting rock bottom is a horrible experience. But there is hope. Things can get better. But I won’t lie and say it is easy. It is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
The self-care routine that helped
During this period I was off work, and largely by myself, whilst everyone around me went about their daily lives. I spent my days having long baths, using all my trusted self-care products. My local park became my haven and I would sit on a particular bench, soaking up nature, thinking about life and watching the world go by. A world I wasn’t fully part of yet. In my mind, I was a bystander, invisible to everyone else.
My friends and family were very adamant about the fact I should continue a “normal” routine. I hate that word, because what is normal? It has a different meaning for each individual and I think the word acts as an unattainable standard. This is true in my life, anyway, so I avoid using the word.
I honestly never thought of the secondary impacts of being depressed. But there are so many. As the money organiser of the house, being switched off, reset, and rebooted isn’t exactly great for maintaining a household, or remembering to pay bills. I just didn’t care about organising life anymore. And it impacted our family.
I started baking to bring myself back to life and clinging onto anything I previously loved, to ignite a passion. To bring back a spark. But I still felt unhappy, and numb. I had affirmation cards and motivational quotes scattered around the house. These massively helped and I still use them to this day. I even visited the local spirit church, in the hope of finding some peace. It worked.
Toxic workplace culture
Reluctant to carry on as normal, when I was off work due to mental health problems, I was scared and filled with irrational fears. What if someone from work sees me? What would they think? Looking back, these thoughts were the negative anxiety voice in my head. And they were created from working in toxic workplace cultures for so long. Something I will never go back to!
Dichiperhing fiction and reality
My family were right. Normality, routine and self-care were all needed. A focus on my health, not the workplace which had basically sent me to this negative place in my mind. Why on earth did I still want to focus on them? But the mind does this. You have some pretty random thoughts when you’re in the midst of a mental breakdown and you cannot decipher fiction from reality. All the thoughts passing through your mind become your reality and you rely on the people closest to you to tell you which ones you should listen to.
What mental illness really looks like
I see a lot of debate on this. The answer – every single person will be impacted by mental illness differently. I hid my anxiety for years. therefore I looked fine. But I wasn’t. That said, I look back at the photos just after my mental breakdown and I remember how I felt. Going through them today actually makes me quite sad. I need to not dwell on them for too long.
The photos show bad skin, a blank look behind the eyes, and tiredness. Throughout my journey back to recovery, I sometimes compared these pictures with ones where I looked slightly happier. To me, it meant progress. When you’re in the midst of recovery, it is sometimes difficult to see any progress and look at the situation objectively.
There was an element of ‘putting on a brave face’ for my little one. But mostly, I accepted my situation and allowed myself to feel the pain and numbness. Something I had masked for so long was finally let out! In order to heal, you have to acknowledge your situation. And I had battled with anxiety for too long.
The journey back to life
I still have gripes about the NHS and the procedures in place to help someone who has suffered a mental breakdown. Looking back, the doctors didn’t really focus on support around me and my circumstances. I didn’t feel heard, or looked after. A doctor pretty much told me they cannot be responsible for me staying off work any longer and I would have to take it up with my workplace. A workplace they knew had put me in this situation and was not helping me during the period of time I was unwell. During telephone calls with the doctor, I was distressed, and emotional, asking for help. And I felt like a burden. They made me feel like I was being dishonest to get time off work.
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Systematic change in mental health care
It is important to say, I know NHS staff are overworked, unpaid and bound by ridiculous policies. However, they are also human beings. For anyone who watched the recent Panorama documentary, when did we stop caring for other human beings, just because we have a certain job title?
I am writing this post today because there is clearly a lot of work to be done around mental health awareness. A systematic change must happen.
I’ve accepted I will never be fully healed. We are all a work in progress and life will continue to throw us challenges. Our job is to work on how we respond to adversity.
Allowing adequate time for recovery
At the time of writing this post, it has taken me a total of 18 months to consider myself fully recovered from my mental breakdown. Our financial circumstances took a hit as a result. I was expected to return to work, by both the workplace and the NHS when I wasn’t ready or well enough to. Why aren’t we looking after people who find themselves in this position? Both in the respect of health and finances. If you had a broken leg, your sick note would be issued for longer, without question and I am sure you would be entitled to some sort of financial help. Arguably, fighting a battle with your mind is worse than a physical ailment. So why as a society do we treat people with mental illness so unfairly?
Finances and mental health
I honestly never thought of the secondary impacts of being depressed. But there are so many. As the money organiser of the house, being switched off, reset, and rebooted isn’t exactly great for maintaining a household, or remembering to pay bills. I just didn’t care about organising life anymore. And it impacted our family. If you or your family are impacted by similar issues, Mind has a great section on how mental health can impact finances and vice versa.
Where am I in my life now?
At this point, I finally feel somewhat recovered. My hypnotherapy course has provided the tools I need to move forward with a weekly self-care routine. It’s a way I can look after my mind and keep myself healthy. I’ve accepted I will never be fully healed. We are all a work in progress and life will continue to throw us challenges. Our job is to work on how we respond to adversity.
Reading and writing help me and I am busy managing three blogs, launching a Gumroad shop and a T-shirt business.
I also finally feel able to take on more hours at work and look to the future. But also keep in mind that my family life is a priority as well. This being the case, I am taking steps to plan our next five years as a family. We need slightly more money to set in motion everything we want to achieve. But I still want us both to have one day per week with my little one. And of course, a family day together.
Final thoughts
Ultimately, hitting rock bottom allows you to create a blank canvas. You start afresh with brand-new building blocks. And you have the power to change things in your life that no longer serve you.
It’s strange to say this, but hitting rock bottom has transformed my life. Would I choose this experience if I could go back? No! But am I thankful for it? Yes.
It is so brave of you to share your struggles with anxiety with us. You are so strong. Your story is inspiring to us all.
Thank you so much!
People seem to forget just how much a toll being pregnant and giving birth to a child can have on someone, even if everything goes smoothly
It takes a massive toll on you and I wish society would normalise talking openly about it
Mental health takes time to recover. That why receiving supports from loved ones is so important.
Support from loved ones is so important.
Writing these posts can’t be easy and yet they can also work in a healing way. It must be difficult to hear advice from others when you are in a different place for example to act ‘normal’. I’m glad you worked through it and the rest will fall into place as well. As you said, this has given you a blank paper to work from again. Parents can only be good if they are in a good place themselves. We are only human in the end.
They are not easy to write, but letting it our does make me feel better. And I know it helps others.
I agree it’s daily challege and although I didnt have like you. I had to work on my health every day. Thank you for sharing your journey and I’m proud of you being strong.
Thank you very much. It’s great to hear from people who also have to work hard on their health. Although I am sorry this happened.
A lot of this resonated with me even though my depression and anxiety came about for different reasons and under different circumstances. It shows that sharing our experiences can be a way to work through them for ourselves but also shine a light for other people to see that they are not alone. Thank you so much for exploring your journey thus far; you’ve made a huge difference.
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. And I totally agree with all of this.
This is such an open and honest blog post, that is going to help so many people feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Lauren – bournemouthgirl.com
I think I may understand where your anxiety came from when thinking about work while you were away. It comes down to expectations. The expectations of what we are conditioned to do to be as you said, “normal.” We are conditioned to work and keep moving no matter what. We are not encouraged to take mental/ emotional stock of ourselves, just to fulfill our role in society. It’s a shame because that thinking is such a weight on so many people. I’m so happy that you had the support you needed from your loved ones. You’re right, the healthcare field is in need of improvement. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I’m happy that you’re finding your happy again.
Thank you & I totally agree, society tells us to always be productive and worth something, in terms of our job. I view worth very differently now!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! You’re incredibly strong for getting through it. Unfortunately there’s still such a big stigma around mental health but it truly is posts like these that help! I know someone out there will find this post so comforting and helpful x
Thank you for the lovely comment – I hope this post helps someone out there. Maybe collectively we can break the stigma and make things better.
We gain a lot from what we experience and got through especially if it’s the worse times. We might not fully recover but we change. Sorry about whay you went through. Hope for a check on wellbeing. Xx
Isa A. Blogger
I will never forget my experiences, especially the traumatic ones. But I feel like I am changing for the better!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! These sorts of these help so much 💕 I’m glad you’ve found something to help. I have cptsd and health anxiety and for me, meds, therapy, and exercise help so much
I also take meds and try and get out in nature whenever I can. It all helps me x
Thank you so much for you candid honesty in this post. I’m so sorry you had such a difficult journey and I’m glad that you are able to help others with sharing about it so openly. I do agree in some of the darkest moments sometimes all you can do is focus on the small routine items that help you feel like you’re putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Great post thank you for sharing.
Exactly. I view life like that now – small steps each day to add to bigger building blocks. And I try not to take on any more responsibility than that (easier said than done sometimes).
You’re a strong person. Please keep it up. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
Thank you x
Thank you for sharing such an important blog post especially now when so many are going through so much. As someone who can relate with some this was Beautifully written.
Thank you so much 🙂
Well done you for sharing your journey so honestly and wholeheartedly. I’m not dubious about awareness days – I think they have their place – but the awareness needs to not end when the day is over, especially with something like mental illness which is still taboo and overlooked on so many occasions. I’m glad you found your way back to yourself with all those little things that helped you. I’m sure this post will be a huge comfort to anyone feeling similar emotions 🙂 xxxx
I totally agree, the awareness needs to continue after the day ends. And it is clear that the mental health field in the UK needs a lot of work. I hope this post is a comfort to other people.
Mental health is a big issue in the society right now. Thank you for covering it in this blog
It’s such a big issue and I am glad it’s out there and people are discussing it. Something must change!
Wow, I applaud you for sharing your journey!
Thank you 🙂
Sel-care is so vital, never underestimate the benefits of it to our mental health. Thank you for sharing your journey. There is so much to learn from it.
Our mental health is central to everything. I literally couldn’t do anything in life when my brain was switched off. Therefore I think we need to value it more than a physical ailment!