You are a great parent despite a confirmed diagnosis of bipolar disorder

Guest post – I am absolutely honoured to have Lou Farrell guest post on my blog. Please check out her blog, Mentriz.

I would like to thank her for this honest post. I loved reading it and I am happy she managed to get through such a tough time.

How the birth of my baby set in motion my mental health diagnosis

My labour started with my cat. The feisty mini beast jumped out on me while I was hanging the washing out and attacked my ankle with her usual vigour. I bent down to shoo her away and went back indoors, whereby my waters broke and my story of being a mother with bipolar begins.

I would like to say my labour went smoothly. But they mucked up my epidural, and it went into the wrong spot on my spine and caused fluid loss. My son was in the wrong position, and I was also sick with the gas and air. Things were going wrong. I was in such pain and agony from the botched epidural, they had to anaesthetise me fully.

When I woke up, I saw my son in the arms of my mother, and I named him there and then, to the shock of my partner, but hey, I was woozy. Thankfully he liked the name. It was a name we had never discussed, but when I woke up, it just seemed to be who my baby resembled.

Back to hospital

After a few days, I was out of the hospital with an atrocious headache; I couldn’t shake it, but I put it down to all the hormones leaving my body, and I started to learn how to be a mother. But the following day, my headache was terrible, and I couldn’t move my neck. I was taken to hospital. After a few hours, it was diagnosed that I had a hole in my spine from the epidural, and I was leaking spinal fluid. They would need to transfuse my blood into the hole.

I was in so much pain I stayed in the hospital for a few days, and when I came out, I felt as though the first few days of my son’s life had been stolen from me. It turns out this thought never truly left me it metamorphosised into something much grander much more manic.

The lead up to diagnosis

As the days passed, I became more and more depressed, I went to my doctor, and he said I had postpartum depression. I wasn’t surprised, given the rough ride I had had over the past few weeks, but I was determined to be strong, and I would take antidepressants so I could be a good mum.

Another few weeks of motherhood went by, my depression never lifted. It became worse, and I started believing some bizarre things. The overriding thought and belief were my son was, in fact, my mothers. It was so real to me, yet utterly ludicrous. But at the time, I believed it. It would play on my mind that I was looking after my brother, not my son, but my baby brother.

I ventured to the shops one day and left my son with his dad. I had never voiced my thoughts to him; he was completely unaware. But the feeling was just intensifying even more so. As I approached the shop, I walked past it and walked towards the seafront. When I reached the sea, thank goodness the tide was out, and it was just mudflats because I had been meaning to throw myself in and let nature take its course.

Read my other mental health related posts

Being admitted to the mental health unit

I returned home and burst into tears; the rest of the day was a blur. I don’t know how I ended up in the hospital. I’ve no idea how I got there, but here I was again, separated from my son and in the hospital again. But this time it was in the mental health unit.

My delusions were called puerperal psychosis, and it is a rare form of postpartum depression. It was then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder too. I don’t go in for things lightly.

I spent many weeks in hospital, and my son changed from newborn to chubby cheeks, and I have to be forever thankful to my partner who looked after him so well. I can’t remember much about my time in hospital. It was unfortunate that I could not go to the mother and baby unit, but they only had limited spaces, and they were full. Which made me think how many other mums have mental illnesses after the birth of their child?

Once I returned home, I was pretty much useless. Great at play but not good with the routine side of things due to the powerful medication I was taking. My delusion had gone, but even now, nearly twenty years later, the memory of that delusion is so very real; it is the same as any other memory, very peculiar.

Where am I now?

My son is now nineteen, and although I separated from his father when he was about six, I have brought him up on my own for the past thirteen years. I have had many blips along the way, but I have a good support group around me, which is crucial when managing your mental health. You can be a great parent with a mental illness.

Yes, you can still be a good mother with bipolar. There may be an odd flare-up along the way, but bipolar can be managed. If you follow the doctor’s instructions, even if you feel a bit crap on the medication, you can thrive as a parent.

I hope sharing my story helps another woman realise, being diagnosed with bipolar after having children is not the end of your parenting life. It is about learning new ways of doing things and adapting to your needs as an individual and those of your children. As I said, the key is to make sure you have a good support network around you, as, without this, it would be tough for anyone, let alone someone with mental health issues.

Motherhood changes you, regardless of whether you have mental health issues. But if you have, it becomes doubly tricky but even more rewarding, I believe. As you have to jump through more hoops than you could ever possibly think existed, this makes you stronger in the end.

So if you are a mother diagnosed with bipolar, be proud of what you have achieved. You are fighting many battles on different levels and overcoming them; this is a very proud moment indeed.

All the details you need to find out more about Lou

Lou Farrell is a writer on mental health and wellbeing; she runs a website called Mentriz, which talks about a wide range of issues from mental illness to natural remedies and positive affirmations. She writes a lot about bipolar disorder and depression as she believes in speaking from experience.

Sharing is caring!