Quick note: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links; if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
Due to my mental health struggles during and following the birth of my baby, we needed to form a consistent care plan for my little one. It was imperative we built a great parenting team. My hubby was fantastic throughout and we also have the support of my parents. For this, I am incredibly thankful.
Following this experience, I wanted to share my tips on looking after your mental health during and after pregnancy.And also the things to remember when creating a great parenting team.
Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
I am no expert on parenting, but I hope my experiences help you with the mental health side of things. Your feelings are completely normal. If you’re struggling mentally, I want you to know I felt the same for at least a year post-pregnancy.
In this post I will discuss my top tips for ensuring you parent well as a team
1. Consciously work as a team
Since having a baby, we thrive when we parent as a team, support one another, and both muck in (reality check – it isn’t always like this. We sometimes get annoyed with each other but we try our best!). Creating a great parenting team can be difficult.
During the worst times of my birth story, my hubby was the only one who could understand me fully. Having this one person there you can rely on showed me sticking together was the best option.
My instincts have always been strong and sometimes it’s difficult to tell the people around you something must take place. I came across like an unhinged, irrational expectant mother when trying to make everyone see a c section was the only option for delivering our little one safely. And guess what, the surgeon confirmed I was correct to choose this option. I just knew. I dread to think what might have happened if my hubby wasn’t there, on my side. We use this bond in our parenting now.
These days, we openly remind each other mid-argument that we work better when we are getting along and most of the time, it diffuses the situation.
2. Take time for yourself
If you follow my blog, you will be aware this is pretty much my ethos! I now understand we must take time to look after ourselves, or it will be chosen for us. Creating a great parenting team allows me to take the time I need to recharge my batteries.
I get it, self care is way down the priority list. Before my mental breakdown, this is what I told myself. Taking time for myself was something I neglected to do, especially when I returned to work following maternity leave. This resulted in almost five months off work. Now I realise I can’t care for my child unless I look after myself.
These are some of the things we both try and do to practice self-care:
Get out of the house
Enlist the help of grandparents, a nursery, friends
If you’re looking for the ultimate self-care accessory, check out Sensory Retreats for a touch of luxury.
Want to gain access to exclusive offers, updates, and a monthly newsletter? Sign up for my mailing list here
3. Ask for help
For those who don’t have much support, there are some amazing support groups out there and classes you can attend. I recently wrote about an amazing support hashtag I discovered on Twitter. Social media can be a great resource for people who may be feeling lonely and want to speak to like-minded people.
It’s healthy for you and your child to spend time apart and come back to each other refreshed, or both get involved in a social setting where the pressure is taken off your shoulders for an hour. As difficult as the first drop-off at nursery is, it’s beneficial for your little one in the long run. Get over parent guilt and start carving out some child-free time.
Boots have an amazing section on self-care resources if you’re looking for some tips and tools to occupy your child-free time. In addition, it never hurts to get some professional help as well. Whether it be a lawyer for birth injury claims or a lactation consultant, help in any form is also a good idea. At the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child, and the more help you have, the more help your little one has as well. There’s no shame in admitting you need an extra hand, so give yourself a little credit and surround yourself with helpful and genuine people.
4. Be kind to EVERYONE
It’s a difficult job and it’s likely everyone is in the same position as you (I hid my anxiety condition for 15 years, it’s possible someone may be too embarrassed to share their reality with you). Show another parent at nursery drop-off you understand, and don’t be too harsh with family members on parenting issues, such as discipline.
Be kind to yourself, your spouse, family members, and every person you meet. You never know the internal struggle someone else may be facing.
Sign up for my freebie library. Each week there will be a new freebie added to help organise your life and take away some stress!
Click on the image below to sign up
5. Be realistic and give yourself a break
Creating a great parenting team means you have to relax your own standards slightly and learn the art of compromise.
As a confessed perfectionist, reality was sometimes a difficult concept for me. I still have to try hard each day to avoid burning myself out in the name of getting everything done right here and now. But why did I set such an unachievable target for myself?
One of my lovely friends and I have an agreement to cancel plans if you need to. As a busy parent, I forget to text people back, attend appointments and you know what? The consequences aren’t so severe and tasks get done eventually.
Give yourself a break and stop setting silly, unrealistic expectations for yourself. It’s about lowering your standards and not trying to fight against the fact there will be a mess with a feisty toddler running around. Go and play with the toys, join in the fun, and have a laugh instead. It’s a much better way to spend your time.
Final thoughts
Have you experienced any parenting issues? What did you do to solve them? Have you managed to create a great parenting team?
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
If you’re looking for the ultimate self-care night away or spa day, look no further than Village Hotels.
Thank you to Jason for providing Part Two of this wonderful story. It is important we raise awareness of these issues. If you missed part one, you can click on the button below to access this:
Back when I began writing my first book (OCDad: Learning to Be a Parent with a Mental Health Disorder – read about it here!). I had a mantra that I kept repeating throughout the project: practical, not profound…practical, not profound.
The reason for that mantra was simple: I knew my situation as a parent with a mental health disorder wasn’t unique. I’m not saying my situation was insignificant. But I knew I couldn’t be the only one out there looking for practical ways to manage my mental health. And be a good, reliable parent at the same time. I personally, only wanted to engage with posts and resources that gave me relatable, practical advice. The advice I could use in my real life.
Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
My desire to help other people
To that end, I wanted to take a bit of time to share some key points from my notes and experiences. This information is for those who either can’t engage with a full-length book at the moment (no judgment, honestly…I’ve been there, too). Or who are just looking for some supplemental information along with their parenting and mental health journeys? This being the case, here are some thoughts on the practicalities of managing mental health treatment and parenting in tandem.
Some Practicalities of Accessing Therapy When You’re a Parent
I always say parenting and therapy are difficult to manage together because they demand the same resources: time, money, emotional energy, and meaningful attention. Parenthood is also a challenging time to put oneself first. After all, you have at least one tiny human in your life who is utterly dependent on you for survival. And, later, for playtimes, questions, discussions, and fort-building. It’s a tough balance, and it needs to be approached with intention whenever possible.
With that goal in mind, let’s turn first to some of the obstacles to accessing therapy as a parent, and then to a few starting ideas about what you can do to help yourself, and your loved ones:
Time
This is one of the most common reasons people use for turning down lots of different commitments, parents or otherwise. I was worried therapy would be an all-encompassing drain on my time, but that was an untested assumption. It’s not as if it only took a few minutes per week, but it wasn’t overwhelming either.
Here are some specific numbers that might help. For the first two months, I went to therapy once every two or three weeks for one hour. I was fortunate to be able to schedule appointments outside of my work hours. But for those who can’t do that, many therapy services now work online, and at odd hours. For the time required to journal and complete my therapy exercises at home, my time commitments looked like this:
First three months: thirty to forty-five minutes per day, five to six days per week
Three months to six months: thirty minutes per day, four to five days per week
Six months to one year: thirty minutes per day, three to four days per week
One year onward: journaling two to three times per week, and therapy exercises as needed
Pin this article for later? Don’t forget to also pin Part one
Your journey could be different – read on for more tips
Remember, those are my numbers, not yours. Some people might need more time, others will need less. I should also note that the gradual tapering of my therapy was due, in part, to my therapist’s recommendation. Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
In terms of the time at home for journaling and exercises, I’ll admit, it was a struggle sometimes. There were plenty of days where time for therapy simply went out the window, but there were also some strategies that helped. Here is a list of my top five:
Keep the right mindset from the start. For a time, therapy will likely have to replace something in your life. In my case, I modified the frequency and intensity of my workout schedule and readjusted my down time in the evenings. I also allocated funds for my therapy knowing that it was a necessary investment. Honestly, I didn’t want to do any of those things, but I wanted to heal more than I wanted money and down time.
Trade off driving responsibilities on long road trips and complete some journaling or written CBT exercises.
Watch less TV. Yes, sorry, it’s true. Even one less episode of something per night can really add up. I cut out TV a few nights per week for therapy exercises for the first year of my treatment. It helped. A lot.
Take advantage of any family support and babysitting you can access. It’s OK if you don’t want to disclose your therapy journey to other people, but you can always spend a bit of your release time in a cafe with a workbook, or on the phone with a therapist. Every bit of time helps.
Trade off on rest and chore times with your partner. For example, maybe your partner can manage evening clean-up while you do your therapy exercises in exchange for a bit of sleep in time the next morning.
Sign up to my freebie library. Each week there will be a new freebie added to help organise your life and take away some stress!
Why therapy is worth it
As I’m sure you can see, I viewed (and still view) therapy as work; important, life-altering work, but still work. I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that. The fact is, therapy takes time and effort. With time and effort comes results, but also some inevitable sacrifices. I don’t mention that to be pessimistic, or to deter anyone in their therapy journey. I say it so that you can have a realistic idea of what you’re signing up for when you start therapy as a parent. There are drawbacks, but there are so many benefits. In the next section, we’re going to look at an example of each of those.
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP)
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP) is the process of gradually exposing yourself to things that trigger your obsessions. To lessen the intensity of your reactions and reconceptualize the source and function of your intrusive thoughts. It sounds swell and helpful, and for the most part, it is.
Here’s something I learned the hard way, though: not all exposures work for parents and families. That was one of my biggest frustrations with every resource I read when I first started my treatment. I remember thinking, ‘Great, this exposure stuff is going to work brilliantly for my obsession about heights and suicidal OCD, but what about my obsessions about my kids?’ There was no way I was going to expose my sons to gradually increasing levels of contaminants, greater heights, or more dangerous water settings. Just so I could prove to myself that I could feel more comfortable with them being at risk. Luckily, I found a solution that worked well: imaginal exposures.
Imaginal Exposures
Imaginal exposures are exactly what they sound like. Exposing yourself to a distressing situation by imagining it and writing it out. That might sound like a strange process, but I think it has a lot of advantages. For one thing, you can confront any intrusive thought you want with no actual risk to you or your loved ones. Second, you can control when and how the exposure takes place. There are no concerns about making noise, leaving the house, spending money, or any other logistical demand you can think of, other than time and attention.
A warning when working through exposures
That’s not to say, of course, that imaginal exposures are easy. The first time I tried one, I broke down crying because I went straight to imagining my most difficult kid-based obsessions. Such as seeing my sons fall from a high balcony. I didn’t realize that imaginal exposures work just like real-world exposures. They need to be conducted slowly, regularly, and in progressive steps.
It would’ve made far more sense to start by writing out an exposure about my son falling from the couch, then maybe a couple of stairs, then maybe a small park climber. If you’ve never done an exposure with the help of a qualified therapist, MAKE SURE you read about how to create an exposure hierarchy first. This page and this page will help get you started. DON’T go any further without reading both those pages (seriously, don’t).
With that caution in mind, here are the instructions I used for my imaginal exposures:
Imaginal Exposure Instructions
Select a trigger from your exposure ladder that you either can’t or don’t want to try in real life.
Choose a scenario where this trigger plays out most often.
Write out the scenario as vividly and powerfully as you can. If possible, include a description from all five senses.
Re-read your imaginal exposure often, and read it out loud.
Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Next, a couple of reflection points from my experience with imaginal exposures:
I did my best to limit my imaginal exposures to one page of writing. The point of this exercise is to confront a scenario that you repeatedly see in your mind. Not to imagine all kinds of other bizarre and irrational ways the situation could play out. I also found I had to be cautious about not letting my mind wander too much. I also found my exposures had to be repeated until they became easy or boring, and that often took several repetitions.
Say it out loud
Also, step 4 in the instructions is worth repeating. Read your written exposures out loud, if possible. Seriously. Reading my imaginal exposures out loud helped me process them in a completely different way. It took away so much of their influence over my mind and emotions. More so than writing alone, and infinitely more than keeping the exposure in my head.
Now, let me be clear about something – it was an immensely uncomfortable exercise at first. I didn’t even want to write out an imaginal exposure, let alone read it out loud. And I was always worried that someone else was going to hear me and think I was crazy. Eventually, I decided to give it a try.
Sign up to my monthly newsletter, to gain access to exclusive offers, updates
Starting exposures
I waited until my boys were out on a walk with my wife and her friend, and then I locked myself in my room, opened the imaginal exposure, and read it; quietly, but out loud. Have you ever had one of those moments where you explain an idea to someone and then realize that the idea made a lot more sense in your head than it does out loud? It was a lot like that. To this day, I’m so glad I took that uncomfortable leap, and I have therapy to thank for the push.
Drawback: CBT and ERP Don’t Always Work in the Moment (at least not right away)
Sometimes, even with all the progress I’ve made, my symptoms still get the better of me. Whether it’s a compulsion that slips through my net or an anxious reaction to an unexpected trigger, sudden flare-ups just happen.
I remember one incident, about a year into my treatment, when my wife and I took the boys to a park near our house. The park was lined with oak trees, and acorns were strewn all over the ground. I had just worked through an exaggerated threat exercise about fears of my boys choking at mealtime, and I was feeling good about my progress.
Then, all of a sudden, one of my sons picked up an acorn and put it in his mouth. I lost it. I ran over to him, took the acorn out of his mouth, put him in the stroller, and insisted to my wife that we relocate our playtime to somewhere with no acorns. She and the boys were understandably stressed and confused. Mealtimes were no longer a trigger for obsessions about choking, but evidently, park time was, at least when there were acorns around.
You can now subscribe to my blog and you will be alerted when a new blog post is released
After that incident, I did the only thing I could do. Apologized to my wife, forgave myself for the lapse, and completed more exercises to help process my obsession in that situation. Over time, I started using a specific set of questions to reflect on these kinds of incidents:
Momentary Lapse Reflection
What happened?
How did I react?
Why did I react that way?
What were the pros and cons of my reaction?
How should I change my reaction if this situation comes up again?
Taking some intentional reflection time after momentary lapses was helpful and productive. I didn’t have time to debrief every disagreeable situation. But it was great to have a resource available for when I needed it. The next time we went to the park, I mentally prepared myself to manage the trigger of the acorns. And I had a much more balanced reaction when my boys tried to pick them up. Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Summary
So, there you have it. A very brief glimpse into the practicalities of managing therapy and parenting. If you would like to know more, please visit my website – http://www.theocdad.ca – and get in touch. This conversation is a long and personal one, and there are so many ways therapy and OCD challenge each of us. The key, in my opinion, is the same key that brings change and results in any other setting: consistent effort. If you ever feel your efforts waning, just know that you’re not alone. Ever.
I want to thank Jason for writing this post and highlighting these important issues. I know how difficult it is to discuss such personal topics. However, we must do. To help other people, we must speak out.
Please head over and check out Jason’s website and social media accounts.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on these posts. Part one can be found here if you missed it.
Guest post – I am honoured to welcome Jason who has written an amazing guest post about parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis
Let’s dive in…
PART 2 will be published later this week...
The earliest years of parenthood are hard. Really hard, actually. Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is especially difficult.
It’s a time when stressors go up, stress relievers go down. And your scope of responsibility skyrockets in the most beautiful, but also complex and exhausting ways. For those of us who enter these years with a mental health disorder, some aspects of parenting may be more complicated than others. Especially if, as I did, you have to make parenting and treatment work at the same time. It’s doable, but it’s not easy.
Below, I will explain why.
When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
Here’s why:
Confronting a mental health disorder while parenting poses a difficult paradox. You’ve likely never had a better or more pressing reason to get better. But you also have to contend with two new complications. First, all the usual blocks to mental health treatment. Including, stigma, lack of information and resources. These feel even more pronounced because of the added responsibilities and complexities of parenthood.
Second, mental health treatment and parenting require many of the same resources. Energy, meaningful attention, information, time, and money. As any new parent will tell you, those resources are strained and limited at the best of times. In my case, I only learned this lesson after trying (and failing) to ‘power through’ what I thought were typical ‘new parent worries’. Only to discover that what I was trying to manage were clinical OCD symptoms.
My own challenges
Over the next year and a half, I spent many long days and nights learning how to be a parent and manage my mental health at the same time. In the earliest months of my therapy journey, I was struck by one question above all others. Why don’t more people talk about the challenges of managing mental health treatment and parenting at the same time? As we’ll see, there are numerous answers to this question, but for now, let’s start with a seemingly obvious but deceptively insidious reason: stigma.
Paradoxes, Parenting and Stigma
Fred Rogers once said that anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable is manageable. I know, from personal experience, that Mr. Rogers’ words are as true now as when he first said them. But it’s also been my experience that certain aspects of parenting are more mentionable, and, by extension, more manageable than others.
Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is difficult because the fact is, it’s not easy to admit you’re suffering from a mental health disorder when you’re a parent. There are real and daunting fears of the stigma that come with opening up about your struggles. For me, these fears manifested in the form of some daunting and complicated questions.
What will people think?
Parenting is a visceral journey that often defines at least part of a person’s life and identity. With strong emotions come strong opinions. If it’s something we teach to kids, be it feeding, sleeping, toileting or discipline, someone has an opinion about it.
In one sense, a range of opinions is helpful because it allows parents to make informed decisions, but in another sense, it adds pressure and judgment to every decision we make. When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
Want access to my freebie library? Check out my planners to help organise your life and take away some stress!
Think of it this way: when are you most likely to need help? When you’re struggling, of course. However, when are you least likely to admit that you’re vulnerable? For most people, the answer to the question is likely a time when you’re responsible for something important to you.
For me, the answer was the day I became a Dad. To say it was a stressful collision of circumstances is an understatement, at best. I would like to say I immediately admitted to my struggles and sought help, but I didn’t. I resisted the reality of my situation because I was stuck. And, I was stuck because I couldn’t answer another important question about my symptoms.
Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted.
What does my mental health (or lack thereof) say about me as a parent?
Anxiety thrives in the hypothetical. When I first experienced an onset of clinical OCD symptoms, my mind went into overdrive about what my symptoms meant for me and my family. Was I sick for life? Was I cursed? Was I just too weak to manage my new responsibilities? Part of me knew that these questions were irrational. But another part of me worried that admitting to my symptoms would trigger stigma towards me from others, and, ultimately, affect the way they saw me as a parent.
The irony was, anyone who knew me well could see that I was suffering anyway. Or, to be more precise, they could see that I was trying to cover the fact I was suffering. In retrospect, I can see many ways OCD affected my parenting in my earliest months of Dadhood. To dissuade others from missing similar details, I’ve listed several of my most prevalent behaviours below.
Check out similar blog posts in the mental health category
OCD and Parenting: Conflicting Emotions, Conflicting Behaviours
Having kids is touted as a joyous experience, and in so many ways, it is. For me, though, having kids also meant spikes in stress and anxiety. The likes of which I had never felt before. From the moment I first held my boys, I felt dedicated to their growth, happiness, and protection. I loved those feelings. The problem was, my malfunctioning brain took those natural parental emotions, swirled them up with obsessions, and sent my mind into a tailspin. I never doubted I loved my boys, but my anxieties and emotions were so out of control I couldn’t love every moment of raising them, at least not at first. Here’s how those feelings manifested in day-to-day life.
Zero to One Thousand
A baby crying isn’t just an early attempt at communication. It’s a biological chain reaction designed to alert parents to their children’s needs and to prompt them to act. To an obsessive-compulsive brain, a baby crying is like strapping a rocket to a race car. Your brain is already in non-stop stress response mode. And then it gets flooded with another round of stress hormones every time your baby cries. Consider, for example, a normal parental response to baby crying:
1. Baby cries.
2. Parent hears the cry.
3. Parent thinks, ‘I need to go check on the baby’.
4. Parent calmly goes to the baby.
5. Parent assesses the baby’s needs and offers food, comfort, and attention as needed.
It’s a logical sequence of baby care, and it’s what I expected to be doing when I heard my babies crying. I was wrong. Here’s what my reaction cycle looked like:
1. Baby cries.
2. I hear the cry.
3. My chest tightens, and my heart rate goes up.
4. I start picturing worst-case scenarios and wondering which one of them is playing out.
5. I bolt up from what I’m doing.
6. I go to my babies and start to assess them for serious injuries and missing vital signs.
7. I realise they’re OK, and I start trying to calm everyone down, including myself.
The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my own head because I couldn’t see beyond my own thoughts.
What you’re seeing is the effect of increased stress hormones on an already-imbalanced set of neural circuits. The logical parent in me knew crying was normal and encouraged me to react rationally. The OCD part of me jumped straight to the worst-case scenario. Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted. Speaking of which.
Emotional Exhaustion
Raising kids takes a lot of patience and resilience. To manage those ups and downs successfully, you need emotional energy. When my OCD symptoms were at their worst, I was running on emotional fumes. Sleep times meant I could relax physically, but it also meant lying alone with my brain and fighting off non-stop obsessions. By the time I went into the nursery to get my boys up for their next feed, it was like I had just returned from hiking on an icy mountain top. I felt relieved, but I was mentally and emotionally fried.
When my symptoms were at their worst, I was frequently frustrated, irritable, and difficult to be around for my wife and family. Simple messes and spills were an infuriating disaster. Stubbing my toe made me feel like the universe was conspiring against me. It’s not that I’m a petty person. Normally, those things don’t bother me. The problem was I had no patience for minor annoyances because all my emotional energy was being spent on managing my obsessions and compulsions. Over time, getting through the motions of day-to-day life became harder and harder. The longer I tried to tough it out, the more exhausted I became. Still, I pressed on, thinking it was only a matter of time before things got better. When that approach didn’t work, I tried to find relief by exercising more control over my circumstances.
Overprotective (No, Like Really Overprotective)
It’s natural to feel reasonably protective of your kids, but OCD makes it hard to react calmly and rationally to even the possibility of a threat. Some of my worst obsessions were based on my kids choking, drowning, and falling from heights. Combined with a parent’s emotions, those obsessions made feedings, bath time, and carrying my boys up and down stairs difficult.
I reacted with fight-or-flight intensity to the slightest hint of choking, unexpected slips in water. And even the slightest of squirms when I carried them up and downstairs. In other words, I acted as if there was a real threat based on the possibility of a hazard. OCD is like that. It makes you believe that situations are either completely safe or imminently dangerous. That your actions are the difference between the two.
There isn’t a place or situation on planet Earth that is one hundred percent safe, and kids have to take risks to learn their limitations. But at first, I couldn’t accept this. Believe it or not, that approach made perfect sense to me. After all, I was just doing my parental duties, wasn’t I? As it turns out, even those were harder than I thought.
Parenting Duties
I had a lot of trouble learning how to put shirts on my sons. That’s not a typo. I had to ‘learn’ how to do it. Here’s why: babies are tiny and delicate. When I pull a shirt over my head, I line my head up with the hole and pull. I can do that because my neck is strong. It doesn’t move when I put on a shirt. My sons were little, and their necks were delicate. In my head, that meant risk for them, and life-or-death responsibility for me.
For most parents, the delicacy of a baby is just a reminder to be reasonably cautious. For me, it meant I needed a procedure to ensure there was zero risk of breaking my kids’ necks, or of them suffocating if the shirt got stuck at their noses or mouths on the way down to their bodies. Most times I was successful, but when a shirt did get stuck, I had to remove it and find another way to put it on. Or find a new shirt altogether.
Pin the article for later?
I also tried to only use shirts with extra-wide head holes, and if the head hole wasn’t wide enough, I would stretch it before putting it on (let’s just say my wife – the one who did all the clothes shopping – was none too pleased about that). Remember, neither of us knew about my OCD diagnosis at first, so there was confusion and frustration all around.
Where am I now?
Looking back, part of me feels proud I didn’t let my symptoms ruin my parenting altogether. Dressing my boys was difficult, but I still dressed them. Diaper changes were stressful, but I still did them. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. I just wish I could’ve enjoyed those things without feeling like I was navigating a life-or-death situation. The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my head because I couldn’t see beyond my thoughts.
Thankfully, with the help of a brilliant therapist and a supportive family, I found the strategies I was looking for.
Final thoughts
If you’d like to know more about the practicalities of making OCD, therapy, and parenting work together, be sure to check out part two of this blog series for more information. You can also find my book, which contains all the gritty details mentioned in this blog and more, at http://www.theocdad.ca.
A few final words from me
I want to thank Jason for sharing this honest post about parenting struggles whilst managing a mental health condition. I was emotional when I first read through this post, simply because I totally relate to the struggles. I also relate to the guilt you feel for not being your best self as a parent.
I hope this post helps someone out there, and I can’t wait to share part two with you all later in the week.
Today I am introducing you to an amazing blogger. Sophie’s blog, Starting Today, is definitely worth a read. Grab a cup of tea and enjoy.
You will remember my advertiser’s post, where I said I was impressed by the photography on the website. I mean, these images are kind of blogger goals and where I would like to be with the images I post on my own blogs’ and social media accounts.
I wanted to pick out two of the blog posts which really resonated with me and explain why you should go and read them today!
Single Parents are not Monsters – STARTING TODAY
This post is so honest and powerful! Sophie is honest about making a difficult life decision to benefit herself and her children. And the poem is beautiful.
You HAVE to check it out!
Rose of Thorns some thoughts on anti feminism – STARTING TODAY
Check out this amazing blog post, for a balanced argument about feminism and the way our family units have evolved. You will also find some great, symbolic photos to accompany the post.
For those of you who missed the advertiser’s post. Here are the all-important details you need to connect with Sophie.
Why I loved checking out Sophie’s blog
Please all go take a look at this blog. It is aesthetically pleasing and the images on the website are amazing. To write this post, I had a look around the site and I am impressed with what I found. Sophie covers lifestyle and photography on the blog, and you will find some amazing images scattered throughout her blog posts.
A little bit about Sophie
Sophie is a freelance photographer who looks at life philosophically. She has always been creative, but hid from her creativity for so long, afraid it was a negative aspect of her character. Now she embraces it. Her blog, Starting Today is a place where she shares her thoughts, vision, and passions. She combines photography, poetry, and writing to share her lifestyle and thoughts. Uniquely ambitious, with a zest for life, she loves to encourage others to be themselves, always.
Today I am introducing you to a fabulous Mummy blogger. Jess’s blog, The Prosecco Mum, is worth a read. Grab a cup of tea and enjoy.
You will remember my advertiser’s post, where I said I could relate to the parenting struggles.
I wanted to pick out two of the blog posts which resonated with me and explain why you should go and read them today!
This post is packed full of nostalgia. Where do I start? I relate to every single point on the list.
You will be chuckling throughout. Head over for a read and step back in time for a few minutes.
Another hilarious post. As a mum with our first nursery birthday party invite and trying to find employment to suit childcare, this is a must-read for me.
Parents, you will be giggling throughout reading this one. And anyone else can feel a little bit smug.
If you missed the advertiser’s post, all the details you need to connect with Jess are below.
Why I loved checking out Jess’ blog
I love this blog! When you land on the homepage, you feel at home and in a safe parenting space. The pictures remind me of my parenting journey, and I love how honest Jess is about the ups and downs of parenting whilst being a working mum. You will also find a range of lifestyle topics and reviews of the local area.
A little bit about Jess
Not your ordinary mummy blogger. Established 2014, still no clue about parenting. Totally owned by her kids.
Taking motherhood one sip of fizz at a time.
Blog posts you should definitely also check out
Ways to connect with Jess
You can connect with Jess on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Final thoughts
Have you already checked out this amazing blog?
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Unfortunately, when it comes to gift buying, men sometimes get left behind. And I don’t think it’s because they always choose to be.
I find it difficult buying for the men in my life. The only joy I seem to have in finding a unique gift, is either asking them what they want or scouring the internet to find something suitable.
If you encounter the same problem when buying for the special man in your life, don’t worry! In this post, I have some suggestions, following my endless hours spent on the internet looking for the right gift.
It isn’t just mummies and the girls who need a spa day or a pamper session now and again. I’ve taken my hubby on many couples spa days in the past and we had a wonderful time. Running around after an energetic toddler in your 30’s isn’t much fun and the aches and pains are real.
Sign up for my freebie library. Each week there will be a new freebie added to help organise your life and take away some stress!
Quick note: Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
Let’s unwrap some of these special items
Menkind
I’ve written about MenKind before. Simply because I love their quirky gifts and the fact you can buy something nobody else thinks to purchase. When you log onto the website, the gift sections are broken down into categories, which makes searching easier.
When searching for the perfect gift, I was instantly drawn to the Three Wise Stormtroopers. What an amazing, unique item. I can picture it on a display shelf in our house, along with the other quirky items we each have.
For a bit of luxury, why not check out the Deluxe Diamond Decanter Set? We’ve just had a lovely date night, a whole 24 hours away from the little one. A special item like this would be perfect for those moments. When you need to kick back, relax and enjoy some adult-only time together. This item is going on my wish list!
Next on the list had to be a gadget organiser. Surely EVERYONE loses the remote control? Try having a toddler in the house, especially one who loves hiding things. We lost the TV Control for about three months recently and then she went and pulled it out of a cupboard. A nifty Remote Control Caddy would solve some of my hubby’s first-world problems!
Want to gain access to exclusive offers, updates and a monthly newsletter? Sign up for my mailing list below…
A relaxing break
It isn’t just mummies and the girls who need a spa day or a pamper session now and again. Why not treat the special man in your life? I’ve taken my hubby on many couples spa days in the past and we had a wonderful time. Running around after an energetic toddler in your 30’s isn’t much fun and the aches and pains are real.
Why not check out the amazing spa packages at Village Hotels? Click on the link below to book yourself a much-needed day out. Or if you’re feeling romantic, maybe a whole night away.
Weird Fish
Whenever we need a present for my Dad, this is the first brand we seek out. I love the design and quality of the T-shirts and so does he.
With his birthday coming up soon, I need to check out the current collection. Click on the link below to have a browse yourself.
ManoMano
I’ve just had a browse on this website and if the special man in your life requires some tools, look no further.
One of the ‘house goals’ my hubby has is to restore furniture in the garage, which we don’t yet currently have. I am bookmarking the relevant page for when we do have the space and funds to make his dream a reality. Hehe!
Final thoughts
I hope you enjoy reading my rundown of quirky, unique gifts for the special man in your life.
Let me know in the comments whether you will be purchasing any of these gifts?
Do you also find buying for the man in your life difficult?
Pin this for later to save these amazing gift ideas…
It is no secret we had a year of struggling financially and it was the worst feeling in the world. I would visit the supermarket and take items out of the basket because they were unaffordable.
With the state of affairs in the UK at the moment and the impact of the pandemic felt all over the world, it’s even more important to plan for all eventualities and if you can, save some money.
In this post, I will explore my top tips on how to manage your finances.
I will admit, in the past, I have probably spent money on things I didn’t need and it’s easy to live in denial when you’re doing this. But it’s so important to be realistic and honest about the state of your finances. It is the only way you will budget correctly. And be successful in your financial goals.
Because I have personally experienced both ends of the spectrum, earning a lot of money and struggling financially, I wanted to share the following tips with you on how to create a budget. And how to manage your finances well.
Be realistic
I will admit, in the past, I have probably spent money on things I didn’t need and it’s easy to live in denial when you’re doing this. But it’s so important to be realistic and honest about your finances. It is the only way you can budget correctly. And be successful in your financial goals.
Creating a budget can help capture the bigger picture when it comes to your income and outgoings and highlight unnecessary spending, making it easier to manage your finances.
Include the smaller costs in your budget
It’s easy to think a lender or finance company would only ask you to include the hefty, priority bills. However, this isn’t the case. Newspaper subscriptions, birthday presents, social activities, are all costs you pay for and therefore everything must be included. This will allow you to get a real picture of your income and outgoings.
Ditch any cost you can realistically live without
Ensure priority bills are paid. However, we all know we have some costs that aren’t required. If you haven’t visited the gym in a few months, cancel the membership! Could you consolidate your television subscriptions into one monthly cost? Maybe installing a smart meter could help with electricity bills?
After looking into it, you may not save money and then the answer to switching is no. However, what if you could save £200.00 a year by making a switch? It is worth reassessing regularly.
Set financial goals
Even if you don’t have enough money to go around, you can still set financial goals. It’s amazing how many items we lived without for a year and it turns out, I didn’t need them.
Maybe one of your goals is to meal plan and reduce food waste. You could stop buying a luxury item on the weekly shopping bill. Maybe you add £1.00 per week to a savings account. Small changes add up to big things eventually.
Savings
This leads me nicely onto my next point – savings. Even when we were struggling financially, my hubby would automatically move £5.00 to savings. It turned out at certain points in the month this money was really valuable and I was glad he moved it and forgot about it.
Separate accounts for bills and spending
In the days when both my hubby and I had overtime pay, no children, and managed money well, we had separate accounts for everything. I find having automatic payments takes the stress away. It was easy to do this when we had ample funds to go around. However, a little more difficult when there is a lack of money and direct debits could be returned unpaid.
I am still paying bills manually at the moment and I am in the process of setting up a budget for myself.
Seek help if you need it
The problem we faced as a family was a lack of overtime payments during the pandemic and we therefore slowly struggled financially over several months. I will be honest and say financial difficulty was unexpected. We thought we could manage and then one day we couldn’t.
I had no option but to contact my credit card companies to ask for a payment holiday. Doing this wasn’t easy for me, but it had to happen, and making these changes brought some relief and peace of mind.
If you’re struggling financially, there are companies out there to assist you. Don’t be afraid to do some research and seek the help you need. Learn more here.
Final thoughts
I hope you found my tips to manage your finances, helpful.
Let me know in the comments below whether you’ve created a budget. Have you managed to save money on bills, or create a regular saving pattern?
I’ve decided I want to give something back to the blogging community. After winning a wonderful prize from Izzy Matias, and recently winning The Power Of Letters raffle, I know how special you feel when you win something unexpectedly.
The blogging community supported me when I first joined Twitter and genuinely got me through some of my darkest days!
Read on for details of the prizes available
My advertising slots
I began offering advertising slots on my blog in January 2022. The main reason for offering these packages, was because I advertised consistently in my first six months of blogging. My stats show this helped improve my DA score and more importantly, it got my blog noticed, by other more prominent bloggers. Not to mention, I made great connections with these people, which I value to this day.
Whether you win my prize or not, advertising is a great way to connect with other bloggers. It’s one of the lovely parts of blogging and I get excited seeing everyone’s advertisers’ posts at the beginning of the month.
Here are the packages I currently offer
I am now able to offer advertising slots on my blog.
If you’re looking for backlinks and exposure, please check out my packages below.
Bronze – £3.00
Logo in the sidebar for the month
Meet the advertiser’s blog post – promoted on all social media platforms for the first week of the month (your social media links & 1 blog post will be included)
Silver – £4.00
Logo in the sidebar for the month
Meet the advertiser’s blog post – promoted on all social media platforms for the first week of the month (your social media links & 2 blog posts will be included)
4 Follow Friday shout outs on Twitter Two blog posts promoted on Twitter throughout the month
You will be included in a dedicated newsletter to subscribers, introducing all silver package advertisers for the month.
Gold – £6.50
Everything in package 2
Your own advertiser blog post, which will be included in a newsletter to subscribers detailing your blog in full.
I will also include an additional two blog post links
I am giving away one gold advertising package and one silver advertising package for March 2022.
To enter, simply follow me on Twitter and comment on this post. ALL the details you need can be found by clicking the button below. Just follow the instructions.
I’m writing this post today as a result of seriously struggling to recant and put into words my birth experience for a guest post I agreed to do. Moving on from past trauma is essential to thriving and moving forward in life, but also a difficult process to go through.
If you’re a follower of the blog, you will see I don’t struggle to discuss other difficult topics. I’ve written about telling my anxiety to go away. I’ve shared with you all a setback in my recovery following a breakdown. So why was this topic so difficult to write about?
In readiness for the guest post I committed to, I did write most of the piece, up until a certain point. But I was reluctant to go back and finish it and even wrote a note in my planner to tell the recipient I wouldn’t be able to submit it. I have now sent this email and although I feel bad for not producing the guest post, I feel happy I know when not to share personal details about my life. More importantly, when I need to use my writing to heal myself first. Then share with others.
TRIGGER WARNING – for anyone who finds birth stories difficult to read, I suggest not reading this article in full.
There is nothing worse for the human mind than events in life confirming things can go wrong and it could happen to you again. You can only imagine what it does to my anxiety levels.
There are a few reasons I don’t want to release this birth story piece in full
However, below are the reasons I want to acknowledge the issue is causing me an emotional roadblock
1. Honesty about parenting issues
When I started this blog, I vowed to be honest about my mental health struggles. Especially those related to pregnancy. Moving on from past trauma is something I must discuss on this platform.
In all honesty, this is a topic that comes up a lot in my marriage and my conversations with close friends. My family is aware we are contemplating having another child and we discuss our feelings when the topic arises. But it’s almost like there is a roadblock and we just can’t seem to shift it. We have general conversations about the cost of another child. There is no avoiding the fact that ill-health, maternity leave, buying new things for a baby, all have an impact on your finances.
During these conversations, I say I don’t want to give up my body for another child again. I like my life the way it is. However, at this point, I feel like we need to have in-depth, real, healing conversations about what the birth experience did to us both. We need to get to the nitty-gritty of the issue so we can finally move on. The fact we are struggling with this issue, tells me unhealed trauma can wreak all kinds of havoc on peoples’ lives, and the solution for us might be more difficult than we anticipated.
During my antenatal depression, I also realised you bring your own experiences, fears, tiredness, to the situation. How can anyone’s experience be the same bearing this in mind?
2. The nitty-gritty of the issue
Essentially we don’t want to run the risk of reliving this trauma again or having a potentially worse outcome next time. There is nothing worse for the human mind than events in life confirming things can go wrong and it could happen to you again. You can only imagine what it does to my anxiety levels.
Childbirth is scary and uncertain. But potentially even worse when you’ve already been through an emergency during pregnancy. And this is what happened to us.
3. I am sure some my readers can relate
Moving on from past trauma isn’t just something we are experiencing. It impacts so many other people.
The purpose of this blog is to make my readers feel less alone, by sharing my own experiences. The birth of a baby is one of the main pregnancy and parenting topics I can write about honestly.
For my readers, the hope is someone reads my perspective and feels better. Maybe they acknowledge they are less alone. Maybe they recognise something is holding them back in life. I don’t know. But I feel compelled to share, the reason I couldn’t divulge all details, but be glad I was able to acknowledge there was a problem we need to overcome.
The only thing I will say to parents out there is to ALWAYS do what’s best for your family at the moment in time. Karen from Mumsnet bears no impact on your life and certainly knows nothing about your family or motivations for your decision. This is why I dislike unsolicited parenting advice. How could you possibly offer advice tailored to a person’s individual experiences?
4. Every birth experience is unique
I was there when a friend had her baby. I had my own. Of all the birth experiences I’ve heard of and read about, not a single one was similar. During my antenatal depression, I also realised you bring your own experiences, fears, tiredness, to the situation. How can anyone’s experience be the same bearing this in mind?
My anxiety levels impacted my birth experience. I was on guard, I felt like everyone was against me and I crumbled when they sent my hubby home. I desperately needed the one person who knew me well to be by my side.
Unfortunately, I think factors such as the hospital you visit, the time of day (there were not enough night shift staff and I was impacted by this), and the staff involved in your care, can impact the level of care you receive. It shouldn’t be the case, but sadly it is.
5. I am all too aware of negative outcomes and do not wish to trigger someone
A close friend of mine had a baby early and it was a traumatic experience for her. Luckily all was well and still is to this day. When my little one was whisked off to the baby unit due to lack of oxygen and turning blue, you can imagine what went through my head. This is happening in front of you after not eating or sleeping for a prolonged period and having gone through an emergency C section, with a high temperature. It’s easy to see why parents emerge from birth experiences impacted. For the family members standing at the sidelines watching, the lack of control must be horrible.
I realise some parents go through a worse hell and my thoughts, hugs, and love are with those people. But my five days of visiting the baby unit and being away from my child were hell, for me. It caused unhealed trauma to our family. When I came home before her, I cried myself to sleep. I had left a piece of me behind and I felt lost. All I wanted to do was get out of bed and drive to the hospital (the neonatal visiting hours are 24 hours a day, so you can!).
At the same time, I knew she was in the best place and was being looked after. I also knew I needed to rest and recover from a c section. You just cannot win in this situation. You get up each day, switch on autopilot and get through it. It isn’t until later you think of the after-effects of what you went through.
Leaving her to be cared for was horrible but necessary. I will say, the baby unit had a few rooms where parents could stay if they wanted to. We were offered one towards the end of my hospital stay, which I was thankful for. We decided to come home and let another family take this room, bearing in mind we would only face two days without her.
The reality is this time apart has impacted all experiences in our family since, especially for me. I still sleep next to my little one, which I love. But I am conscious part of it probably relates to not wanting to leave her again. At some point, she will need to sleep in her room, (she does have a beautifully decorated room, fit for a school-age child!) I just don’t want to let her go yet.
The only thing I will say to parents out there is to ALWAYS do what’s best for your family at the moment in time. Karen from Mumsnet bears no impact on your life and certainly knows nothing about your family or motivations for your decision. This is why I dislike unsolicited parenting advice. How could you possibly offer advice tailored to a person’s individual experiences?
6. I don’t want to share the intimate details
Look, I’m all for sharing my experiences. But sharing the gory details of birth doesn’t sit right with me. I simply don’t want to impact anyone else’s experience. I don’t want someone else out there to be afraid before they have even lived through something themselves.
We are also quite a private family. The experience, whilst wonderful, did impact those who were present. My hubby saw me in pain, my poor mum waited almost two hours for an outcome following emergency surgery. I think we will leave the impact with us and not spread it any further.
Where am I now with a future baby making decision
I will say I feel a lot better than I did in the first year postpartum. I have moved past what happened and I get on with life. But I do not yet feel empowered to make a future decision on whether to have another baby. Logically, I do want another child. I have an instinct our family is not yet complete. Despite this motivation, something is still holding me back.
Not only this, but I think all of us are impacted. My hubby weighs up the same excuses about money and time. But deep down I believe we are just reluctant to discuss the matter and move on.
It is time for us to have some difficult conversations and move past this. Our little one is thriving, full of energy, and has no ongoing problems. We should focus on this!
Final thoughts
I hope you have enjoyed reading this honest post.
If you can relate and feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
When I started my blogging journey, it was guest posting and advertising on other peoples’ blogs that helped increase my domain authority (DA). And more importantly, build a network of supportive bloggers.
I feel privileged to introduce you to my February advertisers
It’s now time for me to share other people’s wonderful blogs. Please go and show my February advertisers some love, by commenting, sharing their posts, and interacting with one another. I regularly post on Twitter about the blogging community and how it is great to be part of such a supportive group of people.
There is something for everyone in this bunch. A mix of lifestyle, photography, and blogs about the honest realities of mummy life.
Ellie is one of the bloggers in the community I have regular contact with and I have advertised on her blog previously. As such, I am excited to have her as an advertiser this month.
On her blog, you will find various lifestyle topics and I particularly love her beauty reviews, and when she shares one of her new candle collections with us. Go and check out the blog. And her amazing candle collection.
A little bit about Ellie
Ellie is a lifestyle blogger (among other things) from Somerset. Her blog started many years ago as a beauty blog, but in the past few years, it has expanded to include all sorts of topics, including food, travel, home, and pets. On the blog, you can expect to find plenty of product reviews, lifestyle tips and tricks, and seasonal gift guides.
Instagram Ellie (@ellieslittleworldxox) • Instagram photos and videos
Sophie – Starting today blog
Why I loved checking out Sophie’s blog
Please all go take a look at this blog! It is aesthetically pleasing and the images on the website are amazing. To write this post, I had a look around the site and I am impressed with what I found. Sophie covers lifestyle and photography on the blog, and you will find some amazing images scattered throughout her blog posts.
A little bit about Sophie
Sophie is a freelance photographer who looks at life philosophically. She has always been creative, but hid from her creativity for so long, afraid it was a negative aspect of her character. Now she embraces it. Her blog, Starting Today, is a place where she shares her thoughts, vision, and passions. She combines photography, poetry, and writing to share her lifestyle and thoughts. Uniquely ambitious, with a zest for life, she loves to encourage others to be themselves, always.
You find Sophie on Twitter. She is also on Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn, Facebook.
Jess – Prosecco Mum
Why I loved checking out Jess’ blog
I love this blog! When you land on the homepage, you feel at home and in a safe parenting space. The pictures remind me of my parenting journey, and I love how honest Jess is about the ups and downs of mummy life, whilst being a working mum. You will also find a range of lifestyle topics and reviews of the local area.
A little bit about Jess
Not your ordinary mummy blogger. Established 2014, still no clue about parenting. Totally owned by her kids.
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept All”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
Manage consent
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
Cookie
Duration
Description
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional
11 months
The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy
11 months
The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
