#AD #GIFTED – The Anti-Burnout Club
The post is full of honesty. I feel like it’s time to be brutally honest about my mental health struggles…
Just imagine for a second, years of being ruled by fear. The reality is most of the people close to me are unaware of the extent to which fear previously ruled my life. I hid it well.
Then my mental breakdown happened. A final meltdown, shutdown. I was in hysterics talking gibberish to my hubby on the phone. It felt like someone had switched me off to reboot the system. However, they couldn’t get me up and running again.
It would be months before I was anything like the former person I was. Throughout the recovery process, I realised I didn’t want to be the same person ever again. I needed a new improved version of myself. Someone who wanted to prioritise mental health, above all other things in life.
And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.
To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.
Years of being ruled by fear meant I was a shell of my former self. I was the organiser in the family, now I couldn’t stand to hear about the holidays we had planned. I previously managed money in the house. I was now ignoring letters and phone calls about our financial difficulties. I’d succeeded in my current career for 10 years and worked since I was 15 years old. I was shaking at the thought of opening my work laptop.
My breakdown was literally an adverse reaction to everything I’d ever known in the past.
I’m on the road to recovery now, but in order to understand what catastrophe took place on this average workday, we need to first go back in time to where I believe the decline in my mental health began.
Triggers
Being ruled by fear began when I was 18 years old. arguing with my dad. The feelings of anxiety related to this incident triggered something in me. A knot in my stomach, a dislike of arguing. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I actually asked my mum at the time whether my dad hated me. That’s how I felt. Why would this person so close to me be shouting at me otherwise? And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.
I have a constant ‘it’s the end of the world’ complex. This makes it incredibly difficult to look at the positives aspects of life. I have to work so hard each day and force myself to think positively. My default setting is the worst-case scenario. There is no in-between.
Therapy
Throughout the years, I’ve tried numerous different forms of therapy and I must say, all have worked for that period in time. At this point in my life, I need an overall reset. To look at the bigger picture and put tools in place to avoid depression moving forward.
It was an EFT therapist who discovered this argument between my dad & me. It seemed to be the beginning of my decline in mental health. This was only discovered after several sessions and money spent on private therapy. It came as a shock to me this was a catalyst for the grim future I had in front of me. Living under the grip of toxic anxiety.
To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.
Parents argue with children, especially teenagers, but my brain filters a normal, everyday situation and transforms it into something different.
If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.
Delving deeper into the trigger
When looking back over my years of living in constant fear, despite what the EFT therapist discovered, I genuinely don’t think this was the factor that exasperated my condition.
Arguing with anyone was an uncomfortable situation that led to other uncomfortable situations in life, because of the way I reacted to those scenarios. And the destructive activities I was partaking in to quiet the negative voice in my head didn’t help things.
Self-medicating
Fast forward to my early 20’s. I was out clubbing, with people I didn’t really class as friends, taking recreational drugs for the first time. Obviously, I had a blast (or thought I did!) and clearly switched off the doubting, self-critical, toxic voice in my head for a while – what wasn’t to love?
I spent those partying days, outwardly having the best time of my life, but inside I was always accountable to my instincts. They told me this was wrong, unethical, not what I should be doing. I am a homely person who prefers a glass of wine on the sofa, with a blanket, reading a book. Partying and lack of sleep just wasn’t me at all. I was living a lie!
You can see how I ended up in a dead-end relationship with a narcissist for 7 years of my life, who was also the one who facilitated the partying, encouraged this destructive behaviour and I think was incapable of valuing anyone, even himself. Deep down, I knew I was in the wrong situation in life, but kept plodding along, mainly due to fear and lack of confidence. Who else would want me? What if I was walking away from the wrong person? In hindsight, I was so dependent on this person for adding value to my life, it would take a lot of energy I just didn’t have to walk away.
For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!
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Why did it take so long to walk away from the destruction?
Due to years spent living in constant fear, it meant this became a way of life. You cannot change your behaviour overnight. Several pretty shocking events happened as a result of my destructive behaviour and one day I may talk about them. There are rebellious youngsters who make mistakes, but I would say some of the situations I put myself in were crossing a line. I learned my lesson and I am lucky to have the life I lead today. However, I probably would take back some of the things I did whilst my mind was altered.
But we live and learn. As human beings, we make mistakes and some people believe this makes you stronger.
Did I hide it well?
My anxiety issues were obvious to me at, living in my own head. But my mum’s own recent admission, that she including everyone else would “never have known” it was this bad, made me think I need an Oscar. But did I hide it well?
I did many abnormal things over the years, but they were clearly normal reactions to my circumstances and the situations I was putting myself in. I once broke down in front of a manager at work and was unable to talk for ages, after a fallout with the toxic boyfriend. This was just one of the out-of-control situations I put myself in.
To this day, I think people just conclude I’m a difficult person to be around. If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.
The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.
Isn’t this how everyone feels?
When you suffer from severe anxiety for so long, it becomes the norm. For years I genuinely believed everyone felt like this and it was a shock to me when I discovered everyone didn’t.
For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!
When you are being ruled by fear, your thoughts tell you something completely different from reality. You can see why it can eventually result in a complete mental breakdown.
Thoughts are just thoughts
Part of me knows my thoughts are just that, thoughts. But it doesn’t help to tell myself this when I’m in the midst of a panic attack or bout of depression. Something which isn’t me takes over, another, darker side. I become the opposite of my personality. A shadow of the person I am. A weakened, frightened person.
During my recovery, the most ridiculous thing I’ve dealt with is openly not regretting a single second of my anxious past. It sounds silly to say you would torture yourself in your own head for 15 years until you literally break into a million pieces and have to put yourself back together again. Camber out of the dark, dingy pit you were in and slowly learn to function again. Why would someone want to do that to themselves? The answer – because I wouldn’t be where I am today, hopefully helping other people.
I figure it’s pointless going over the past, regretting the opportunities I didn’t take, and better spending time focusing on the future and being thankful for the lessons I’ve learned.
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Who am I today?
The person I am today is a great mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, work colleague, writer, blogger, content creator, and mental health advocate. My failures struggles and regrets made me the person I am today. Including the anxiety voice, I still carry around with me.
Because of my struggles over the last few years, I am confident in using all the labels above to describe myself. I am seeking opportunities that align with my personality and purpose in life. I am determined to carve out a path to a great work-life balance. I am me again. Whoever I was supposed to be before my brain started turning on me all those years ago.
During my recovery process, I’ve had a hard time deciding where my personality ends and anxiety starts. But maybe the anxiety is a symptom of my personality. My personality traits involve being driven and determined. I guess this can easily lead to me putting pressure on myself to get things done. I’m highly creative, so I face burnout trying to record all the thoughts whizzing round in my head.
The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.
I have a new tool…
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I am in the process of putting tools in place for managing my anxiety.
You can find details below of another tool I will be using. I am recommending it because I think it can also help other people.
World Mental Health Day offer
#AD #GIFTED
I am excited to share with you a free 21-day membership offer for The Anti-Burnout Club app.
The offer is valid for 24 hours from today. Please visit this dedicated page to sign up.
The Anti-Burnout Club is giving everyone free access until the end of October, to help make self-care more accessible.
Final thoughts
I hope you liked my post. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Anxiety is so so difficult to deal with and still very misunderstood. The anti burnout app sounds great-I’ll take a look as struggling myself at the mo
Anxiety is horrible. The app is great. And I’m sorry to hear you are struggling.
Unfortunately, I find it so EASY to relate to almost everything you have described. Living with fear, the constant no-win argumens, self-doubt, I am not good enough syndrome, and who would want me thoughts…. It took me years of work to heal from it. It really does take inner work, no matter what tool, program, book, training, coaching sytem one uses. Wishing you much success and you so generously share and help others. All the best.
I totally agree, it takes inner work to undo all these negative behaviours we learn.
I had an argument with my dad when I was 12. I didn’t understand the Maths homework, so he got his own of his Maths books from college and started to explain the homework using that. It made me even more confused and burst into tears, so he slapped me. It deleted all the Maths I had in my head and now I have a lot of issues with calculating, even adding one-digit numbers is a problem for me. Since that evening, my parents have told me multiple times what a disappointment I was and they don’t understand how two engineers have such an idiot child (I’m an English teacher, translator and interpreter – I’m Hungarian by the way).
I’m so sorry you had to go through this and I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry you went through this. What a horrible experience. Your job sounds like you’re actually incredibly clever (I speak one language and have always struggled to learn others).
Sometimes people have their own problems and they take them out on others. I hope you’re able to heal from your experiences. No child should have to endure this.
Thank you for sharing your experience so honestly. Really appreciate it.
Thank you x
I’ve realized many of us have this problem some more severe than others. Thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts and honestly💙
Thank you for your comment. It wasn’t easy to be so honest, but I feel like it needs to be done.
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s so important for us all to be honest with ourselves and others in order to help them!
Amy x
callmeamy.co.uk
I totally agree with this.
Hello, wow! I love how honest this post is, it will really help people struggling! Thanks for sharing! Alicia
Aww, thank you for your comment. It means a lot xx
This is some great insight and can help others, Thanks for sharing this wonderful post, and good for your for coming a long way!
~Michelle
Thank you for your lovely comment. It means a lot and lets me know I am right to share difficult stories x
Wow. Good job on writing this first of all, that can’t have been easy. And secondly, you must be so proud about how far you’ve come (you should be!). Often, it takes someone to completely break to be able to rebuild themselves and a better life. I wish you all the happiness going forward.
Thank you so much. I am proud. When the breakdown first happened I never thought I would feel better again. It feels good to know progress has been made.
What a great inspiration you have just become for me, I just feel so similar to you and your situation with anxiety that it was like reading my experience with it. Thank you for sharing such a personal piece, I will try my best to work on this to get to some happiness as you did. x
Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot to me, firstly because my honesty is helping others, but also because there are people out there who can relate to me. I am also sorry you suffer from the same issues, it’s not nice.
This is such a powerful post and I appreciate your honesty and openness with this post lovely, you’ve come so far and you should be so proud of yourself x
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk
Thank you very much for your comment, it means a lot 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience. You’ve come so far!
Corinne x
Thank you very much 🙂
It was very powerful of you to share your experience. Thank you. I can see how uncomfortable it must have felt and you have been on a long journey to happiness.
Thank you for your comment. It’s been a very long road to this point.