From the very beginning of my pregnancy journey, I was basically a walking ball of crazy hormones and the mother instinct was definitely in overdrive. Most of what I do in life involves extremes. This situation was no different. 

Mummy-related problems anyone? connect with me below or on social media and tell me about it (it’s good to know you’re not alone!).

People warn you there will be an overwhelming feeling of love and responsibility when the baby finally arrives. A lot of pressure is put on this moment, but ultimately, you don’t know what it feels like until it happens to you. 

To be honest, I wasn’t listening to anyone else from a certain point in my pregnancy.

In this post, we will go on a quick stop tour of my mummy problems. Pregnancy to present day! 

• Why being a new mummy equals new-worries
• My crazy moments after leaving the hospital 
• On a serious note
• It does get better… I promise
• The toddler phase

Why being a new mummy equals new-worries

From the start of the pregnancy, you have new worries coupled with existing worries. It’s like someone has created another space inside your brain for the mummy-related stuff, except it doesn’t feel sectioned off. It all mingles into one (baby brain anyone?).

Excitement can soon seep over into anxiety and it’s exactly what happened to me.

You’re responsible for a tiny human being and you learn as you go. There is no manual, and all the advice people give you, doesn’t mean they will be there at 4 am to help you out. You’re on your own, quite literally.

In our household, one of us needed sleep to function at work and take over baby duty when required. Resulting in me being a lone ranger for a significant period of time. It’s difficult for women, especially those who have gone from working full time to being a stay-at-home, brand spanking new mum.

When it is your first time, your world is literally turned upside down and frankly, the hormones make you irrational, at a time when you could do with a fully functioning brain.

Oh how I remember the tiredness, it was horrible. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I didn’t think anyone could survive on less than 4 hours sleep each night. Somehow, powered by coffee and fizzy vitamin drinks, you do.

We still have a long road ahead of us, which will be filled with the joyous moments any child brings. You never stop worrying. Since her arrival, a million things go through my head every minute of every day and it’s draining. Add this to my anxiety-prone personality and it’s a recipe for disaster. 

Living through pregnancy, my subsequent breakdown, and job security worries, I am now more aware of the factors that can lead to poor mental health and I work hard each day to prevent going back to a dark place again.

My crazy moments after leaving the hospital

Soon after giving birth,  you’re not thinking straight, but you believe you are. The hormones, tiredness, potential PTSD from the experience you’ve just gone through, all contribute to some pretty crazy behaviour. For me, this extreme, out-of-character behaviour lasted about a year!

The early days were the worst. At my lowest points, I asked the hubby to request our friends’ use hand gel when they visited to cuddle the new arrival (this was pre-covid people, being the clean freak I am, I had a stash of hand gel when it was all selling out in shops). Looking back it seems silly, given the weekly germ-factory we now have going on at nursery each week. But at the time, in my head, it seemed completely rational to ask them to do this. Although asking the hubby to ask them meant my subconscious knew I was acting crazy (poor hubby). Safe to say he didn’t ask them and all was well during the visit. 

I also asked him if we could carry our precious little bundle from room to room in a moses basket, to reduce the risk of dropping her. I was convinced I would drop her at some point and had visions and dreams of me doing this (mama’s out there,  please let me know I am not the only one).

Whilst at the time, this was a completely normal reaction to have when you’re a new mummy, it’s only now I look back and think it was a tad extreme. Any new Mummy’s reading this, please be safe in the knowledge these feelings are 100% valid, you are not insane and these thoughts and worries make you a fantastic mummy: you care so much about your little bundle, you worry. Please also know that eventually the hormones subside and you feel somewhat balanced again.

On a serious note

Joking aside and to get serious for a moment, my hubby genuinely thought I could be in the early grasp of postnatal depression after giving birth. That I may not bond with our little girl and he would have to deal with the heart-wrenching fallout.

I guess in a way he was correct. I didn’t have postnatal depression, but I was suffering from severe anxiety issues during my time in hospital. for more information, read my blog post My battle to access support for antenatal depression during pregnancy.

I was worried about the way I was being judged (most of this was in my head, but still valid feelings) for caring for my child, or lack of knowing how to do it. 

Was I good enough? Did I know how to feed and change a baby? Maybe if we had come home on day 1, our family team could have worked it out on our own. Because we both had to stay in hospital for 4-5 days, I felt under a microscope.

To make a cup of tea or baby milk on the ward, you had to visit a communal kitchen. Because I was initially bed-ridden, I didn’t even know where the kitchen was. When the x-ray porter asked me for directions after bringing me back to the ward, I didn’t have a clue what to tell him. I was confused, disorientated, in pain, feeling incredible mum-guilt because I didn’t have my baby with me, feeling inadequate, and already suffering from a 15 year-strong anxiety problem. Considering all of this, I think I did well to keep some level of composure.

It wasn’t only the feeling of being watched, but the atmosphere wasn’t a great recovery setting. It was noisy on the ward at night. I could hear other women screaming in pain and unable to cope. I felt the same. I had the instinct to go and help, but I stayed in my room and they stayed in theirs and it was not what I wanted to hear when I was away from my baby, recovering, but not able to get sleep. 

Maternity services in the UK need to be improved. I don’t know what the solution to this problem is, but I am sure my future blog posts will touch upon this. If you have any stories of your own, please feel free to contact me.

Going home 

When I was discharged a few days earlier than our little bundle, I felt like I’d left my right arm somewhere and had an overpowering sense that I wanted to run back to the hospital and bring my baby home. I would cry myself to sleep and I felt genuine pain in my heart about being separated from her, although I knew it was just a few nights and we would be reunited for our visit the next morning. 

We were offered the small room in the baby unit, but I needed to recover at home. Neither of us had properly slept in a week and we needed to be prepared for her arrival. In an ideal world, these wards would have quiet rooms for people to recover, private spaces, and be somewhere welcoming to families who actually wanted to stay. Here’s hoping! I am aware charities raise funds to improve neonatal and maternity services throughout the UK and the work they do is invaluable.

I did also feel a great sense of gratitude, our situation meant she would be home sooner rather than later – I am aware not everyone is this lucky and they have worse ordeals to endure than ours (sending love, hugs & hope to anyone impacted by these issues). 

In this respect, my mummy-related problems were insignificant compared to others and this thought does help put things in perspective. By the same token, each individual has their own worries, problems, set of circumstances. All are valid! You can only judge the world and give your thoughts on the experience you have lived through yourself.

Tommy’s and Bliss are two amazing charities dealing with some of the issues mentioned above. Please contact them if you need any advice or support.

I’ve also recently come across PaNDAS who specialise in support for Postnatal Depression. I wish i’d known about them sooner!

The aftermath

All of this has a lasting impact on your mental health. In the year that followed, my hubby & I both had entirely different versions of what took place during my hospital stay and the reason certain decisions were made. I guess, when one person is in chronic pain and the other person is a bystander, different viewpoints will emerge. 

I was hurt the most when my hubby said I didn’t want to get out of bed and see my baby girl. At the time he didn’t have any idea how this comment would impact me. It’s only clear to me now, at the point of writing honestly for this blog, that I let my anxiety get the better of me. I let it win and take over my decisions, at a time in life where happiness was supposed to be the overriding emotion. Of course, even the pressure to feel happy in that moment damages the mental health of a new mother.

Thankfully, whilst in hospital, my beautiful girl had her Daddy to visit and talk to her (I have the wonderful videos to look at), and learn how to change nappies before I did! My pumpkin & I now make up for those initial days with cuddles & kisses. 

It would be easy to look back in hindsight and say I regret not being present. I have never done that because I realise it would damage my mental health more. Instead, I look back and think I did the best I could following an incredibly traumatic situation.

If you can relate to this experience, you should also know you did the best you could at the time. In terms of the services available to us, we don’t live in an ideal world where there is an appropriate setting to recover whilst in hospital. It is not your fault the system is broken, but as new mothers, we blame ourselves for everything.

It does get easier… I promise

At each new stage of development, you learn to adapt to the situation in front of you. We have a headstrong, independent child and as a result, she doesn’t always want to steer clear of danger. She certainly doesn’t want us telling her these activities are dangerous (she doesn’t like to be told anything!). She is known as the daredevil climber at nursery. I think I might be to blame for the rebellious attitude. Hey ho!

As she gets older and understands more about the world, the mummy related problems are lessening.

The toddler phase

I can only comment up to this point, cos that’s where we’re at right now. Tantrums, nose picking, poo wiped on the sofa when her nappy needs changing, sometimes sitting on the potty getting bored and weeing on the floor, constant whining. To name but a few. 

I get it, she wants to communicate verbally and we don’t always pick up on what she wants the first time. It must be frustrating for a little person, who obviously knows what she wants and when she wants it. 

As much as I can list the challenging things, I could also write a long list about the loveable things. Her smile, cheeky grin, when she dances and gets dizzy, her sass (this little person can give some dirty looks), the way she already loves things in their place, how great she is at tidying up, cuddles and kisses. I won’t go on… but you get the picture.

Although it is cheesy, the worries really are outweighed by the wonderful times. A child brings a whole new joy to your life. I have alcohol, social media for my rants, and girlie nights out to manage the bad times.

Final thoughts

Thank you for listening to my honest feelings about my pregnancy journey. If you can relate, connect with me below.