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Does anyone remember the iconic board games you used to play as a child? They even made those travel-size ones so your parents could entertain you on the aeroplane. Maybe as an adult, you have a life-sized chess set ( I really want one of those regal-looking chess tables, except I don’t know how to play!). Someone, please tell me in the comments, that they have battleships. Or operation?
In this post, I am going to delve into why we loved playing these games so much as children. And also why we remember them so fondly.
The benefits of playing board games
Teaches you patience
For anyone who ever participated in a family game of monopoly, you will appreciate the level of patience required. This game can cause ongoing family disputes. Let me know in the comments below whether this game has ever caused you a family rift.
Playing a game of this nature requires small moves in order to lead to a bigger goal. Like goal setting as an adult. With the end result meeting your goal. Bring the winner, or make progress. Depending on how you look at life. Or how competitive you are.
You experience winning and losing
We are in the process of teaching my little one, life isn’t always about winning. It’s a hard lesson to learn, even for an adult.
Playing board games will teach her about being both the winner and the loser. Hopefully how adults process these emotions, and how to act accordingly when each one of these eventualities happens.
Teaching a person that it isn’t always about winning, but it is about making progress and participating, is one of the best lessons to learn.
They help you meet new people
In recent years, the rise of board game cafes and other social spaces offering board games makes me happy. Hopefully, holiday lets might bring them back soon, now we are in a somewhat post-pandemic phase. I used to love checking into our holiday cottage and searching for the board games cupboard.
Does anyone remember the World Of Warcraft centres? You only have to take a look at Twitch or YouTube to realise the gaming industry is huge. However, I am still a fan of the old iconic games, and whenever we show my little one them, she is too.
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Playing board games enhances creativity and self-confidence
I am a huge fan of any activity which increases creativity and self-confidence. Board games can be particularly beneficial for quiet individuals and connecting with young children, as a way to focus their minds and allow conversation. As an introvert myself, I love being part of something but also have a chance to sit back and take in what all the other players are doing.
Board games increase brain function
It is well known that engaging in play assists in practising essential cognitive skills, such as problem-solving, decision making, and higher-level strategic thinking. These are all measures my little one’s nursery and the school put in place for her to attain. And also essential skills we want to equip her with, as parents.
Encourages laughter
The twists and turns in any board game, or forgetting to take your turn in monopoly, can create laughter throughout the participants. And we all love an activity which creates laughter.
You can play board games anywhere at any time
There are no restrictions on your time when playing board games. You can practice by yourself, and lose yourself in learning how to master the game. Or you can spend hours trying to beat your opponents. I personally love any activity which allows you to lose time and immerse yourself in the experience.The world can be a scary place and escaping into a game can help your mental well-being.
In the world of tech, it’s also easy to play on your computer or phone. Maybe bring back some of those fond memories, play on a tablet with your child or partner and reap the benefits listed above.
Board games promote family time
Family time is something I am a huge advocate of. I’ve recently changed my circumstances to enable more time with my little one. And as a family, we try and do a few creative activities each day. Even when we have tablet time, we try to make this as interactive as possible and purposefully pick programmes and apps which allow for learning and development.
Help children understand how adults think
Toddlers love to mimic the world around them and it’s how they learn. What better lesson than sitting down and witnessing the critical, analytical thinking involved in a board game? It’s a valuable lesson we must teach our children.
My fond memories from childhood
I still remember the joy and anticipation I felt each time I played operation at my grandma’s house. Such a simple game brought hours of fun. It allowed my grandma to join in, but probably also sit comfortably (something anyone caring for children needs to be able to do – as a must. As a parent, I realise that now).
Battleships was another one of my favourite games and I would play with my dad and my grandad. When remembering these moments, they are etched in my mind so vividly. And I remember the pure joy attached to the moment.
Final thoughts
What are your fond memories from childhood?
Tell me your favourite board game. And whether you play these online or with the physical item? Do you love to do both?
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Before children, we used to date each other a lot. We had endless date night ideas. We went on a 5* holiday to Mexico, had numerous hotel stays. Nights out and shopping trips were a regular occurrence.
We would regularly go out for Friday happy hour and I would leave my work colleagues to go ‘date’ my now hubby. I classed it as being more important. We would order bottles of wine in a fancy wine bar, along with tapas. Sometimes I would go get my hair done first. Wonderful memories.
We had fun. I have no regrets about the lack of social interactions we have now.
Because we both lived life to the fullest at University, then together, we have no regrets. There isn’t a single day I’m resentful for the life I have now. It’s just another amazing chapter, which is different from the social life we had before.
Undoubtedly life has now dramatically changed. We have to be a little more creative with our date night ideas. There is no avoiding the fact we can’t just go out when we want to. Even on days off, we have nursery pick-ups to sort out, and responsibilities that come along with looking after a toddler.
Because we both lived life to the fullest at University, then together, we have no regrets. There isn’t a single day I’m resentful for the life I have now. It’s just another amazing chapter, which is different from the social life we had before.
Whatever life throws at us, it is important to fit in some time to still date each other. Anyone who’s experienced the full force of a toddler will know you can’t even have an adult conversation in their presence. They get angry at not being acknowledged. And sometimes this could mean toys being thrown at you. A ‘date’ for us could be as insignificant as an hour-long conversation, without ‘toddler’ interruptions.
We get time to just be adults, which is very important to being a successful parent.
Here is a rundown of the practical alone time we’ve managed to fit into our hectic schedule recently:
Walking
We love walking, but with a toddler, we are limited as to the walks we can go on until she is a little bit older.
On a recent rare weekday together, when she was at nursery, we walked together and it was lovely. Just the two of us, talking, taking pictures, and saying hello to the other walkers. Because it was a weekday, it was fairly quiet and we had a beautiful landscape with bluebells and a lovely river all to ourselves.
We did this walk when I was newly off work following my breakdown and it helped me. I still look back at the pictures and think I’ve come a long way since then. During the walk, I thought I would never feel better again.
Watching films
The perfect date night idea. We can now only do this when we have a night together, without a toddler running around. Because we can, we usually end watching a three-hour film.
For me it has to be epic, otherwise, I am wasting my time. I am very picky when selecting films.
Who knows, we might even make it to a cinema soon!
Wandering around the supermarket
It may sound simple, but wandering around a supermarket, a shop, walking with a coffee, is amazing when you don’t have to chase after a toddler or carry three large bags of supplies around with you.
There is also the element of doing something for ourselves. When we visit a shop as a twosome, we might purchase an item of clothing for ourselves, a scented candle. Instead of thinking about buying for the little one.
We get time to just be adults, which is very important to being a successful parent.
Going for a coffee
The ultimate date night idea. COFFEE DATE!
We recently popped into a brand new Starbucks drive-through and sat outside in the sunshine with a lovely coffee together, before a nursery pickup.
It was amazing, to have time to chat and be still for a while. Nowhere to be and not a care in the world. we all need this!
Jump in the car and see where it takes you! The benefit of doing this without a toddler, is loud music, car chatter and not thinking about nappy changes, potential car sick of retrieving the dummy which as just thrown on the floor!
Final thoughts
Do you have any creative date night ideas? I would love to know in the comments below.
Guest post – I am honoured to welcome Jason who has written an amazing guest post about parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis
Let’s dive in…
PART 2 will be published later this week...
The earliest years of parenthood are hard. Really hard, actually. Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is especially difficult.
It’s a time when stressors go up, stress relievers go down. And your scope of responsibility skyrockets in the most beautiful, but also complex and exhausting ways. For those of us who enter these years with a mental health disorder, some aspects of parenting may be more complicated than others. Especially if, as I did, you have to make parenting and treatment work at the same time. It’s doable, but it’s not easy.
Below, I will explain why.
When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
Here’s why:
Confronting a mental health disorder while parenting poses a difficult paradox. You’ve likely never had a better or more pressing reason to get better. But you also have to contend with two new complications. First, all the usual blocks to mental health treatment. Including, stigma, lack of information and resources. These feel even more pronounced because of the added responsibilities and complexities of parenthood.
Second, mental health treatment and parenting require many of the same resources. Energy, meaningful attention, information, time, and money. As any new parent will tell you, those resources are strained and limited at the best of times. In my case, I only learned this lesson after trying (and failing) to ‘power through’ what I thought were typical ‘new parent worries’. Only to discover that what I was trying to manage were clinical OCD symptoms.
My own challenges
Over the next year and a half, I spent many long days and nights learning how to be a parent and manage my mental health at the same time. In the earliest months of my therapy journey, I was struck by one question above all others. Why don’t more people talk about the challenges of managing mental health treatment and parenting at the same time? As we’ll see, there are numerous answers to this question, but for now, let’s start with a seemingly obvious but deceptively insidious reason: stigma.
Paradoxes, Parenting and Stigma
Fred Rogers once said that anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable is manageable. I know, from personal experience, that Mr. Rogers’ words are as true now as when he first said them. But it’s also been my experience that certain aspects of parenting are more mentionable, and, by extension, more manageable than others.
Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is difficult because the fact is, it’s not easy to admit you’re suffering from a mental health disorder when you’re a parent. There are real and daunting fears of the stigma that come with opening up about your struggles. For me, these fears manifested in the form of some daunting and complicated questions.
What will people think?
Parenting is a visceral journey that often defines at least part of a person’s life and identity. With strong emotions come strong opinions. If it’s something we teach to kids, be it feeding, sleeping, toileting or discipline, someone has an opinion about it.
In one sense, a range of opinions is helpful because it allows parents to make informed decisions, but in another sense, it adds pressure and judgment to every decision we make. When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
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Think of it this way: when are you most likely to need help? When you’re struggling, of course. However, when are you least likely to admit that you’re vulnerable? For most people, the answer to the question is likely a time when you’re responsible for something important to you.
For me, the answer was the day I became a Dad. To say it was a stressful collision of circumstances is an understatement, at best. I would like to say I immediately admitted to my struggles and sought help, but I didn’t. I resisted the reality of my situation because I was stuck. And, I was stuck because I couldn’t answer another important question about my symptoms.
Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted.
What does my mental health (or lack thereof) say about me as a parent?
Anxiety thrives in the hypothetical. When I first experienced an onset of clinical OCD symptoms, my mind went into overdrive about what my symptoms meant for me and my family. Was I sick for life? Was I cursed? Was I just too weak to manage my new responsibilities? Part of me knew that these questions were irrational. But another part of me worried that admitting to my symptoms would trigger stigma towards me from others, and, ultimately, affect the way they saw me as a parent.
The irony was, anyone who knew me well could see that I was suffering anyway. Or, to be more precise, they could see that I was trying to cover the fact I was suffering. In retrospect, I can see many ways OCD affected my parenting in my earliest months of Dadhood. To dissuade others from missing similar details, I’ve listed several of my most prevalent behaviours below.
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OCD and Parenting: Conflicting Emotions, Conflicting Behaviours
Having kids is touted as a joyous experience, and in so many ways, it is. For me, though, having kids also meant spikes in stress and anxiety. The likes of which I had never felt before. From the moment I first held my boys, I felt dedicated to their growth, happiness, and protection. I loved those feelings. The problem was, my malfunctioning brain took those natural parental emotions, swirled them up with obsessions, and sent my mind into a tailspin. I never doubted I loved my boys, but my anxieties and emotions were so out of control I couldn’t love every moment of raising them, at least not at first. Here’s how those feelings manifested in day-to-day life.
Zero to One Thousand
A baby crying isn’t just an early attempt at communication. It’s a biological chain reaction designed to alert parents to their children’s needs and to prompt them to act. To an obsessive-compulsive brain, a baby crying is like strapping a rocket to a race car. Your brain is already in non-stop stress response mode. And then it gets flooded with another round of stress hormones every time your baby cries. Consider, for example, a normal parental response to baby crying:
1. Baby cries.
2. Parent hears the cry.
3. Parent thinks, ‘I need to go check on the baby’.
4. Parent calmly goes to the baby.
5. Parent assesses the baby’s needs and offers food, comfort, and attention as needed.
It’s a logical sequence of baby care, and it’s what I expected to be doing when I heard my babies crying. I was wrong. Here’s what my reaction cycle looked like:
1. Baby cries.
2. I hear the cry.
3. My chest tightens, and my heart rate goes up.
4. I start picturing worst-case scenarios and wondering which one of them is playing out.
5. I bolt up from what I’m doing.
6. I go to my babies and start to assess them for serious injuries and missing vital signs.
7. I realise they’re OK, and I start trying to calm everyone down, including myself.
The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my own head because I couldn’t see beyond my own thoughts.
What you’re seeing is the effect of increased stress hormones on an already-imbalanced set of neural circuits. The logical parent in me knew crying was normal and encouraged me to react rationally. The OCD part of me jumped straight to the worst-case scenario. Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted. Speaking of which.
Emotional Exhaustion
Raising kids takes a lot of patience and resilience. To manage those ups and downs successfully, you need emotional energy. When my OCD symptoms were at their worst, I was running on emotional fumes. Sleep times meant I could relax physically, but it also meant lying alone with my brain and fighting off non-stop obsessions. By the time I went into the nursery to get my boys up for their next feed, it was like I had just returned from hiking on an icy mountain top. I felt relieved, but I was mentally and emotionally fried.
When my symptoms were at their worst, I was frequently frustrated, irritable, and difficult to be around for my wife and family. Simple messes and spills were an infuriating disaster. Stubbing my toe made me feel like the universe was conspiring against me. It’s not that I’m a petty person. Normally, those things don’t bother me. The problem was I had no patience for minor annoyances because all my emotional energy was being spent on managing my obsessions and compulsions. Over time, getting through the motions of day-to-day life became harder and harder. The longer I tried to tough it out, the more exhausted I became. Still, I pressed on, thinking it was only a matter of time before things got better. When that approach didn’t work, I tried to find relief by exercising more control over my circumstances.
Overprotective (No, Like Really Overprotective)
It’s natural to feel reasonably protective of your kids, but OCD makes it hard to react calmly and rationally to even the possibility of a threat. Some of my worst obsessions were based on my kids choking, drowning, and falling from heights. Combined with a parent’s emotions, those obsessions made feedings, bath time, and carrying my boys up and down stairs difficult.
I reacted with fight-or-flight intensity to the slightest hint of choking, unexpected slips in water. And even the slightest of squirms when I carried them up and downstairs. In other words, I acted as if there was a real threat based on the possibility of a hazard. OCD is like that. It makes you believe that situations are either completely safe or imminently dangerous. That your actions are the difference between the two.
There isn’t a place or situation on planet Earth that is one hundred percent safe, and kids have to take risks to learn their limitations. But at first, I couldn’t accept this. Believe it or not, that approach made perfect sense to me. After all, I was just doing my parental duties, wasn’t I? As it turns out, even those were harder than I thought.
Parenting Duties
I had a lot of trouble learning how to put shirts on my sons. That’s not a typo. I had to ‘learn’ how to do it. Here’s why: babies are tiny and delicate. When I pull a shirt over my head, I line my head up with the hole and pull. I can do that because my neck is strong. It doesn’t move when I put on a shirt. My sons were little, and their necks were delicate. In my head, that meant risk for them, and life-or-death responsibility for me.
For most parents, the delicacy of a baby is just a reminder to be reasonably cautious. For me, it meant I needed a procedure to ensure there was zero risk of breaking my kids’ necks, or of them suffocating if the shirt got stuck at their noses or mouths on the way down to their bodies. Most times I was successful, but when a shirt did get stuck, I had to remove it and find another way to put it on. Or find a new shirt altogether.
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I also tried to only use shirts with extra-wide head holes, and if the head hole wasn’t wide enough, I would stretch it before putting it on (let’s just say my wife – the one who did all the clothes shopping – was none too pleased about that). Remember, neither of us knew about my OCD diagnosis at first, so there was confusion and frustration all around.
Where am I now?
Looking back, part of me feels proud I didn’t let my symptoms ruin my parenting altogether. Dressing my boys was difficult, but I still dressed them. Diaper changes were stressful, but I still did them. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. I just wish I could’ve enjoyed those things without feeling like I was navigating a life-or-death situation. The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my head because I couldn’t see beyond my thoughts.
Thankfully, with the help of a brilliant therapist and a supportive family, I found the strategies I was looking for.
Final thoughts
If you’d like to know more about the practicalities of making OCD, therapy, and parenting work together, be sure to check out part two of this blog series for more information. You can also find my book, which contains all the gritty details mentioned in this blog and more, at http://www.theocdad.ca.
A few final words from me
I want to thank Jason for sharing this honest post about parenting struggles whilst managing a mental health condition. I was emotional when I first read through this post, simply because I totally relate to the struggles. I also relate to the guilt you feel for not being your best self as a parent.
I hope this post helps someone out there, and I can’t wait to share part two with you all later in the week.
Thank you to Jason for providing Part Two of this wonderful story. It is important we raise awareness of these issues. If you missed part one, you can click on the button below to access this:
Back when I began writing my first book (OCDad: Learning to Be a Parent with a Mental Health Disorder – read about it here!). I had a mantra that I kept repeating throughout the project: practical, not profound…practical, not profound.
The reason for that mantra was simple: I knew my situation as a parent with a mental health disorder wasn’t unique. I’m not saying my situation was insignificant. But I knew I couldn’t be the only one out there looking for practical ways to manage my mental health. And be a good, reliable parent at the same time. I personally, only wanted to engage with posts and resources that gave me relatable, practical advice. The advice I could use in my real life.
Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
My desire to help other people
To that end, I wanted to take a bit of time to share some key points from my notes and experiences. This information is for those who either can’t engage with a full-length book at the moment (no judgment, honestly…I’ve been there, too). Or who are just looking for some supplemental information along with their parenting and mental health journeys? This being the case, here are some thoughts on the practicalities of managing mental health treatment and parenting in tandem.
Some Practicalities of Accessing Therapy When You’re a Parent
I always say parenting and therapy are difficult to manage together because they demand the same resources: time, money, emotional energy, and meaningful attention. Parenthood is also a challenging time to put oneself first. After all, you have at least one tiny human in your life who is utterly dependent on you for survival. And, later, for playtimes, questions, discussions, and fort-building. It’s a tough balance, and it needs to be approached with intention whenever possible.
With that goal in mind, let’s turn first to some of the obstacles to accessing therapy as a parent, and then to a few starting ideas about what you can do to help yourself, and your loved ones:
Time
This is one of the most common reasons people use for turning down lots of different commitments, parents or otherwise. I was worried therapy would be an all-encompassing drain on my time, but that was an untested assumption. It’s not as if it only took a few minutes per week, but it wasn’t overwhelming either.
Here are some specific numbers that might help. For the first two months, I went to therapy once every two or three weeks for one hour. I was fortunate to be able to schedule appointments outside of my work hours. But for those who can’t do that, many therapy services now work online, and at odd hours. For the time required to journal and complete my therapy exercises at home, my time commitments looked like this:
First three months: thirty to forty-five minutes per day, five to six days per week
Three months to six months: thirty minutes per day, four to five days per week
Six months to one year: thirty minutes per day, three to four days per week
One year onward: journaling two to three times per week, and therapy exercises as needed
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Your journey could be different – read on for more tips
Remember, those are my numbers, not yours. Some people might need more time, others will need less. I should also note that the gradual tapering of my therapy was due, in part, to my therapist’s recommendation. Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
In terms of the time at home for journaling and exercises, I’ll admit, it was a struggle sometimes. There were plenty of days where time for therapy simply went out the window, but there were also some strategies that helped. Here is a list of my top five:
Keep the right mindset from the start. For a time, therapy will likely have to replace something in your life. In my case, I modified the frequency and intensity of my workout schedule and readjusted my down time in the evenings. I also allocated funds for my therapy knowing that it was a necessary investment. Honestly, I didn’t want to do any of those things, but I wanted to heal more than I wanted money and down time.
Trade off driving responsibilities on long road trips and complete some journaling or written CBT exercises.
Watch less TV. Yes, sorry, it’s true. Even one less episode of something per night can really add up. I cut out TV a few nights per week for therapy exercises for the first year of my treatment. It helped. A lot.
Take advantage of any family support and babysitting you can access. It’s OK if you don’t want to disclose your therapy journey to other people, but you can always spend a bit of your release time in a cafe with a workbook, or on the phone with a therapist. Every bit of time helps.
Trade off on rest and chore times with your partner. For example, maybe your partner can manage evening clean-up while you do your therapy exercises in exchange for a bit of sleep in time the next morning.
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Why therapy is worth it
As I’m sure you can see, I viewed (and still view) therapy as work; important, life-altering work, but still work. I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that. The fact is, therapy takes time and effort. With time and effort comes results, but also some inevitable sacrifices. I don’t mention that to be pessimistic, or to deter anyone in their therapy journey. I say it so that you can have a realistic idea of what you’re signing up for when you start therapy as a parent. There are drawbacks, but there are so many benefits. In the next section, we’re going to look at an example of each of those.
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP)
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP) is the process of gradually exposing yourself to things that trigger your obsessions. To lessen the intensity of your reactions and reconceptualize the source and function of your intrusive thoughts. It sounds swell and helpful, and for the most part, it is.
Here’s something I learned the hard way, though: not all exposures work for parents and families. That was one of my biggest frustrations with every resource I read when I first started my treatment. I remember thinking, ‘Great, this exposure stuff is going to work brilliantly for my obsession about heights and suicidal OCD, but what about my obsessions about my kids?’ There was no way I was going to expose my sons to gradually increasing levels of contaminants, greater heights, or more dangerous water settings. Just so I could prove to myself that I could feel more comfortable with them being at risk. Luckily, I found a solution that worked well: imaginal exposures.
Imaginal Exposures
Imaginal exposures are exactly what they sound like. Exposing yourself to a distressing situation by imagining it and writing it out. That might sound like a strange process, but I think it has a lot of advantages. For one thing, you can confront any intrusive thought you want with no actual risk to you or your loved ones. Second, you can control when and how the exposure takes place. There are no concerns about making noise, leaving the house, spending money, or any other logistical demand you can think of, other than time and attention.
A warning when working through exposures
That’s not to say, of course, that imaginal exposures are easy. The first time I tried one, I broke down crying because I went straight to imagining my most difficult kid-based obsessions. Such as seeing my sons fall from a high balcony. I didn’t realize that imaginal exposures work just like real-world exposures. They need to be conducted slowly, regularly, and in progressive steps.
It would’ve made far more sense to start by writing out an exposure about my son falling from the couch, then maybe a couple of stairs, then maybe a small park climber. If you’ve never done an exposure with the help of a qualified therapist, MAKE SURE you read about how to create an exposure hierarchy first. This page and this page will help get you started. DON’T go any further without reading both those pages (seriously, don’t).
With that caution in mind, here are the instructions I used for my imaginal exposures:
Imaginal Exposure Instructions
Select a trigger from your exposure ladder that you either can’t or don’t want to try in real life.
Choose a scenario where this trigger plays out most often.
Write out the scenario as vividly and powerfully as you can. If possible, include a description from all five senses.
Re-read your imaginal exposure often, and read it out loud.
Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Next, a couple of reflection points from my experience with imaginal exposures:
I did my best to limit my imaginal exposures to one page of writing. The point of this exercise is to confront a scenario that you repeatedly see in your mind. Not to imagine all kinds of other bizarre and irrational ways the situation could play out. I also found I had to be cautious about not letting my mind wander too much. I also found my exposures had to be repeated until they became easy or boring, and that often took several repetitions.
Say it out loud
Also, step 4 in the instructions is worth repeating. Read your written exposures out loud, if possible. Seriously. Reading my imaginal exposures out loud helped me process them in a completely different way. It took away so much of their influence over my mind and emotions. More so than writing alone, and infinitely more than keeping the exposure in my head.
Now, let me be clear about something – it was an immensely uncomfortable exercise at first. I didn’t even want to write out an imaginal exposure, let alone read it out loud. And I was always worried that someone else was going to hear me and think I was crazy. Eventually, I decided to give it a try.
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Starting exposures
I waited until my boys were out on a walk with my wife and her friend, and then I locked myself in my room, opened the imaginal exposure, and read it; quietly, but out loud. Have you ever had one of those moments where you explain an idea to someone and then realize that the idea made a lot more sense in your head than it does out loud? It was a lot like that. To this day, I’m so glad I took that uncomfortable leap, and I have therapy to thank for the push.
Drawback: CBT and ERP Don’t Always Work in the Moment (at least not right away)
Sometimes, even with all the progress I’ve made, my symptoms still get the better of me. Whether it’s a compulsion that slips through my net or an anxious reaction to an unexpected trigger, sudden flare-ups just happen.
I remember one incident, about a year into my treatment, when my wife and I took the boys to a park near our house. The park was lined with oak trees, and acorns were strewn all over the ground. I had just worked through an exaggerated threat exercise about fears of my boys choking at mealtime, and I was feeling good about my progress.
Then, all of a sudden, one of my sons picked up an acorn and put it in his mouth. I lost it. I ran over to him, took the acorn out of his mouth, put him in the stroller, and insisted to my wife that we relocate our playtime to somewhere with no acorns. She and the boys were understandably stressed and confused. Mealtimes were no longer a trigger for obsessions about choking, but evidently, park time was, at least when there were acorns around.
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After that incident, I did the only thing I could do. Apologized to my wife, forgave myself for the lapse, and completed more exercises to help process my obsession in that situation. Over time, I started using a specific set of questions to reflect on these kinds of incidents:
Momentary Lapse Reflection
What happened?
How did I react?
Why did I react that way?
What were the pros and cons of my reaction?
How should I change my reaction if this situation comes up again?
Taking some intentional reflection time after momentary lapses was helpful and productive. I didn’t have time to debrief every disagreeable situation. But it was great to have a resource available for when I needed it. The next time we went to the park, I mentally prepared myself to manage the trigger of the acorns. And I had a much more balanced reaction when my boys tried to pick them up. Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Summary
So, there you have it. A very brief glimpse into the practicalities of managing therapy and parenting. If you would like to know more, please visit my website – http://www.theocdad.ca – and get in touch. This conversation is a long and personal one, and there are so many ways therapy and OCD challenge each of us. The key, in my opinion, is the same key that brings change and results in any other setting: consistent effort. If you ever feel your efforts waning, just know that you’re not alone. Ever.
I want to thank Jason for writing this post and highlighting these important issues. I know how difficult it is to discuss such personal topics. However, we must do. To help other people, we must speak out.
Please head over and check out Jason’s website and social media accounts.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on these posts. Part one can be found here if you missed it.
Why I was apprehensive about allowing my toddler to use technology
Before our little one was born, I was against the use of technology. I had a minimal allowance for a TV schedule planned out for her and we made a cage to hide our mobile phones. I never considered the possibility she would be allowed a fancy tablet.
Yes, I know. It all quickly went out of the window.
She now has a top-of-the-range tablet, access to Amazon Prime, Netflix, BBC iPlayer. She’s a toddler! Ohhh I also forgot, she now has Disney Plus on her tablet too. I remember VHS and we were lucky if we got a few Disney films for Christmas!
I mean let’s be real for a second. The fear parents have in this day and age is whether exposure to technology could potentially pose risks further down the line. Does allowing her to have a fancy tablet cause her potential danger?
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The real issue
I mean let’s be real for a second. The fear parents have in this day and age is whether exposure to technology could potentially pose risks further down the line. Does allowing her to have a fancy tablet cause her potential danger?
An addiction to video games. Setting up social media accounts at 13 years old, pretending to be 16. Demanding a personal mobile phone. We all read the horror stories and thankfully it isn’t something I have to deal with yet. These sensitive issues are for another blog post, probably from someone who has lived through these experiences. I truly feel for any parent worrying about the online world when it comes to their children.
It can absolutely be a scary place for adults and I see examples of it every day.
Techology taking over
Part of my anxiety about ‘screen time’ was caused by a world in which I feared large corporations were taking over. I wanted to support small businesses and not buy from Amazon. I didn’t want Google to know everything about me. But whether I like it or not, it’s how we live these days. And you cannot very well start a blog without accepting this reality.
We, as adults are allowed a fancy tablet, mobile phones, a smart TV, Alexa. How can we have all this in the house and say no to her accessing technology?
This NY Times article really resonates with me, because it talks about setting an example. We do still have the ‘phone cage’ and this blog post I wrote, 9 easy steps to ensure quality family time is a top priority talks about how we prioritse family time by putting our mobile phones away at a certain point in the evening.
For two years I didn’t go anywhere near social networks. I wouldn’t even allow my hubby to show me funny posts on Facebook. How ironic!
Since having a child, allowing her to have limited use of technology, and experiencing a mental breakdown, I’ve now embraced technology to its full extent. I mean, I set up a blog, pretty much by myself (hubby & Bluehost support get a special mention for the handful of tasks I couldn’t fathom!)
Since starting the blog, I’ve realised it’s time to embrace the technological world we live in. I mean it’s pretty hard to ignore, unless I actually get my wish of living in a log cabin in the woods, in peace. No toddler coming to the toilet with me. Let me dream for a second, please!
How I made technology work for me
Using technology on your own terms, for its intended purpose. Limiting the amount of screen time or personal details you divulge, can be helpful if privacy is a concern for you. Setting boundaries is also a great way to remain in control. My blog is anonymous at the moment and I’m still making valuable connections with people.
I want to mirror this with my little one and set a good example for her by how we as adults use technology. I found this interesting study by the Lego Foundation, which heavily focuses on technology for learning and developing creative skills. When the question about limiting screen time is posed, they correctly say it isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach and they include some practical guidance for parents. The full study can be found here.
In summary, whilst she is allowed a fancy tablet, this comes with certain boundaries. Child lock being the most obvious one, limited screen time and since she first got it, we’ve added learning and development apps. We frequently play these together and talk about what she is learning.
I think the use of social media can be beneficial if you have boundaries. It sounds a bit silly, but I can personally step away from my social media platforms when I need to because of the blog. I have many other tasks on my plate and social media is just one of them.
This doesn’t take away from the genuine connections I make and how supported I feel by others. This is all real, I just don’t constantly live in the online world. My post mentions how the blogging community is also the most understanding bunch of people I’ve ever connected with. And that definitely helps.
Some of the boundaries I set for myself
I have a personal rule, where I would never post pictures of our little one on social media. The hubby rarely does and asks permission from me first, because he respects my decision and the thinking behind the decision. Everyone is different. We all have different values and just like our decisions in life, we will decide what’s best for us when it comes to the use of technology and social media.
Measures you can put in place for young people using phones and social media
A friend of mine has the family tracking app. It gives her peace of mind when her young teens are out of the house, with friends, for a bit of freedom. They also regularly check social media accounts for dodgy messages and all the other scary stuff. It’s something I would definitely use when the time Is right!
I also think being honest with a child is valuable. As parents, we already try to do this with small things and she’s only two years old. I would like to find a balance between honesty and not completely dulling her spirit. Hopefully, the world we live in will be better in the future, when this conversation arises.
Summary
In summary, I think the use of technology in a safe way, with set boundaries and measures in place, is harmless. Technology can be a benefit to us all if used in the correct way. It should be viewed as a useful addition to our lives. Social media breaks are needed and I intend to take them regularly. We should be living in the real world and not focusing solely on our social media friends, evening though some of mine are amazing and funny Tweets are addictive.
I just wish I was lucky enough to have on-demand cartoons when I was a kid. Don’t worry, I will remind her daily just how fortunate she is.
What are your thoughts on these issues raises in this article?
Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
From the very beginning of my pregnancy journey, I was basically a walking ball of crazy hormones and the mother instinct was definitely in overdrive. Most of what I do in life involves extremes. This situation was no different.
Mummy-related problems anyone? connect with me below or on social media and tell me about it (it’s good to know you’re not alone!).
People warn you there will be an overwhelming feeling of love and responsibility when the baby finally arrives. A lot of pressure is put on this moment, but ultimately, you don’t know what it feels like until it happens to you.
To be honest, I wasn’t listening to anyone else from a certain point in my pregnancy.
In this post, we will go on a quick stop tour of my mummy problems. Pregnancy to present day!
Why being a new mummy equals new-worries
My crazy moments after leaving the hospital
On a serious note
It does get better… I promise
The toddler phase
Why being a new mummy equals new-worries
From the start of the pregnancy, you have new worries coupled with existing worries. It’s like someone has created another space inside your brain for the mummy-related stuff, except it doesn’t feel sectioned off. It all mingles into one (baby brain anyone?).
Excitement can soon seep over into anxiety and it’s exactly what happened to me.
You’re responsible for a tiny human being and you learn as you go. There is no manual, and all the advice people give you, doesn’t mean they will be there at 4 am to help you out. You’re on your own, quite literally.
In our household, one of us needed sleep to function at work and take over baby duty when required. Resulting in me being a lone ranger for a significant period of time. It’s difficult for women, especially those who have gone from working full time to being a stay-at-home, brand spanking new mum.
When it is your first time, your world is literally turned upside down and frankly, the hormones make you irrational, at a time when you could do with a fully functioning brain.
Oh how I remember the tiredness, it was horrible. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I didn’t think anyone could survive on less than 4 hours sleep each night. Somehow, powered by coffee and fizzy vitamin drinks, you do.
We still have a long road ahead of us, which will be filled with the joyous moments any child brings. You never stop worrying. Since her arrival, a million things go through my head every minute of every day and it’s draining. Add this to my anxiety-prone personality and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Living through pregnancy, my subsequent breakdown, and job security worries, I am now more aware of the factors that can lead to poor mental health and I work hard each day to prevent going back to a dark place again.
My crazy moments after leaving the hospital
Soon after giving birth, you’re not thinking straight, but you believe you are. The hormones, tiredness, potential PTSD from the experience you’ve just gone through, all contribute to some pretty crazy behaviour. For me, this extreme, out-of-character behaviour lasted about a year!
The early days were the worst. At my lowest points, I asked the hubby to request our friends’ use hand gel when they visited to cuddle the new arrival (this was pre-covid people, being the clean freak I am, I had a stash of hand gel when it was all selling out in shops). Looking back it seems silly, given the weekly germ-factory we now have going on at nursery each week. But at the time, in my head, it seemed completely rational to ask them to do this. Although asking the hubby to ask them meant my subconscious knew I was acting crazy (poor hubby). Safe to say he didn’t ask them and all was well during the visit.
I also asked him if we could carry our precious little bundle from room to room in a moses basket, to reduce the risk of dropping her. I was convinced I would drop her at some point and had visions and dreams of me doing this (mama’s out there, please let me know I am not the only one).
Whilst at the time, this was a completely normal reaction to have when you’re a new mummy, it’s only now I look back and think it was a tad extreme. Any new Mummy’s reading this, please be safe in the knowledge these feelings are 100% valid, you are not insane and these thoughts and worries make you a fantastic mummy: you care so much about your little bundle, you worry. Please also know that eventually the hormones subside and you feel somewhat balanced again.
On a serious note
Joking aside and to get serious for a moment, my hubby genuinely thought I could be in the early grasp of postnatal depression after giving birth. That I may not bond with our little girl and he would have to deal with the heart-wrenching fallout.
I was worried about the way I was being judged (most of this was in my head, but still valid feelings) for caring for my child, or lack of knowing how to do it.
Was I good enough? Did I know how to feed and change a baby? Maybe if we had come home on day 1, our family team could have worked it out on our own. Because we both had to stay in hospital for 4-5 days, I felt under a microscope.
To make a cup of tea or baby milk on the ward, you had to visit a communal kitchen. Because I was initially bed-ridden, I didn’t even know where the kitchen was. When the x-ray porter asked me for directions after bringing me back to the ward, I didn’t have a clue what to tell him. I was confused, disorientated, in pain, feeling incredible mum-guilt because I didn’t have my baby with me, feeling inadequate, and already suffering from a 15 year-strong anxiety problem. Considering all of this, I think I did well to keep some level of composure.
It wasn’t only the feeling of being watched, but the atmosphere wasn’t a great recovery setting. It was noisy on the ward at night. I could hear other women screaming in pain and unable to cope. I felt the same. I had the instinct to go and help, but I stayed in my room and they stayed in theirs and it was not what I wanted to hear when I was away from my baby, recovering, but not able to get sleep.
Maternity services in the UK need to be improved. I don’t know what the solution to this problem is, but I am sure my future blog posts will touch upon this. If you have any stories of your own, please feel free to contact me.
Going home
When I was discharged a few days earlier than our little bundle, I felt like I’d left my right arm somewhere and had an overpowering sense that I wanted to run back to the hospital and bring my baby home. I would cry myself to sleep and I felt genuine pain in my heart about being separated from her, although I knew it was just a few nights and we would be reunited for our visit the next morning.
We were offered the small room in the baby unit, but I needed to recover at home. Neither of us had properly slept in a week and we needed to be prepared for her arrival. In an ideal world, these wards would have quiet rooms for people to recover, private spaces, and be somewhere welcoming to families who actually wanted to stay. Here’s hoping! I am aware charities raise funds to improve neonatal and maternity services throughout the UK and the work they do is invaluable.
I did also feel a great sense of gratitude, our situation meant she would be home sooner rather than later – I am aware not everyone is this lucky and they have worse ordeals to endure than ours (sending love, hugs & hope to anyone impacted by these issues).
In this respect, my mummy-related problems were insignificant compared to others and this thought does help put things in perspective. By the same token, each individual has their own worries, problems, set of circumstances. All are valid! You can only judge the world and give your thoughts on the experience you have lived through yourself.
Tommy’s and Bliss are two amazing charities dealing with some of the issues mentioned above. Please contact them if you need any advice or support.
I’ve also recently come across PaNDAS who specialise in support for Postnatal Depression. I wish i’d known about them sooner!
The aftermath
All of this has a lasting impact on your mental health. In the year that followed, my hubby & I both had entirely different versions of what took place during my hospital stay and the reason certain decisions were made. I guess, when one person is in chronic pain and the other person is a bystander, different viewpoints will emerge.
I was hurt the most when my hubby said I didn’t want to get out of bed and see my baby girl. At the time he didn’t have any idea how this comment would impact me. It’s only clear to me now, at the point of writing honestly for this blog, that I let my anxiety get the better of me. I let it win and take over my decisions, at a time in life where happiness was supposed to be the overriding emotion. Of course, even the pressure to feel happy in that moment damages the mental health of a new mother.
Thankfully, whilst in hospital, my beautiful girl had her Daddy to visit and talk to her (I have the wonderful videos to look at), and learn how to change nappies before I did! My pumpkin & I now make up for those initial days with cuddles & kisses.
It would be easy to look back in hindsight and say I regret not being present. I have never done that because I realise it would damage my mental health more. Instead, I look back and think I did the best I could following an incredibly traumatic situation.
If you can relate to this experience, you should also know you did the best you could at the time. In terms of the services available to us, we don’t live in an ideal world where there is an appropriate setting to recover whilst in hospital. It is not your fault the system is broken, but as new mothers, we blame ourselves for everything.
It does get easier… I promise
At each new stage of development, you learn to adapt to the situation in front of you. We have a headstrong, independent child and as a result, she doesn’t always want to steer clear of danger. She certainly doesn’t want us telling her these activities are dangerous (she doesn’t like to be told anything!). She is known as the daredevil climber at nursery. I think I might be to blame for the rebellious attitude. Hey ho!
As she gets older and understands more about the world, the mummy related problems are lessening.
The toddler phase
I can only comment up to this point, cos that’s where we’re at right now. Tantrums, nose picking, poo wiped on the sofa when her nappy needs changing, sometimes sitting on the potty getting bored and weeing on the floor, constant whining. To name but a few.
I get it, she wants to communicate verbally and we don’t always pick up on what she wants the first time. It must be frustrating for a little person, who obviously knows what she wants and when she wants it.
As much as I can list the challenging things, I could also write a long list about the loveable things. Her smile, cheeky grin, when she dances and gets dizzy, her sass (this little person can give some dirty looks), the way she already loves things in their place, how great she is at tidying up, cuddles and kisses. I won’t go on… but you get the picture.
Although it is cheesy, the worries really are outweighed by the wonderful times. A child brings a whole new joy to your life. I have alcohol, social media for my rants, and girlie nights out to manage the bad times.
Final thoughts
Thank you for listening to my honest feelings about my pregnancy journey. If you can relate, connect with me below.
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