The reason I am sharing this post with you today
Following a setback in my recovery, I wanted to share a piece of writing I did a few weeks ago when I was feeling pretty hopeless.
At present day, I am still not feeling 100%, but I am feeling a lot better than I did when I was first signed off work, four months ago, due to a mental breakdown.
I have come a long way in my recovery, but down moments can make you feel like you’re going backward in the recovery process. This is exactly what happened to me, at the time of recording the below thoughts.
The main message in my post today, is recovery isn’t linear and having down days along the way is no reflection whatsoever on the progress you’ve made up to this point.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Read on for my honest account of a setback in my recovery – written on a down day approx 3.5 months after my breakdown.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy
Diary entry
At the moment, I feel hopeless.
Recovery from a mental health condition isn’t linear. The part of my brain which deals with reality is aware of this fact. But the part of my brain living on another planet, in another realm, tells me I should be healed by now. Why all of a sudden do I feel like this?
I know exactly where these damaging thoughts came from. My conversation with an inexperienced doctor, who basically made me feel like I was lying in order to stay off work, and also asked me why I didn’t just quit my job (they are aware I’m going through a redundancy process at the moment). I left the conversation feeling worse than before it took place and some pretty insensitive things were said to me, at a time when I’m already in a vulnerable state and unable to deal with difficult conversations.
This, coupled with a delayed catch-up with work about how I’m doing. It literally took every ounce of energy I had to make the call and answer questions and they made me feel like I should return to work. I know it’s all part of the process.
Again, my intelligent brain tells me both these people have procedures and questions to tick off, but my anxiety brain is telling me lately, I will have to return to work and nobody will help me, even though I’m clearly not healed yet. Why are people forcing me to do something I don’t want to do? Something I am clearly not ready to do!
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is?
I feel angry, irritable, I am not in a sleeping routine or getting enough sleep and I am still unable to complete life tasks, like managing money, organising things, or concentrating for too long. How can I do my job when I am feeling this way?
I felt like this when I first left work due to my breakdown, and I feel like this again now. I’ve gone backward and the way I am feeling right now makes me ask myself whether I will ever be fully healed.
What does the new me look like? What does the future hold? It is uncertain right now. I just feel hopeless.
Up to now, I’ve done quite well in managing the ups and downs of depression. I’ve tried to remain positive and not let my anxiety brain take over, but it’s creeping back in.
I don’t feel happy, I feel like something is wrong with me. I wonder whether it’s all my fault. What did I do in the past to cause my brain to malfunction? What happened to me? How have I got to this point in my life?
In summary, because I am feeling this way, I think it’s now time to speak to a counselor or therapist. You can find details of therapists local to you here. This page also provides details of the support offered by Mind. Heads Together list charities they work with who offer support here.
Writing honestly about mental health for my blog naturally throws up a lot of feelings and I don’t think I know how to process them properly, without help. I will ask the doctor for some details and seek help.
I am also conscious leaving the former me behind is also part of a grieving process, mourning the old life I had. I will never be the person I was before: career-driven, highly motivated, willing to work all hours of the day, put up with bad management, or a toxic work environment.
This process has taught me too much about the damage that person causes herself. I have a toddler now, things have changed and I have to adjust my priorities to fit my current life circumstances.
Related posts you might like
When the redundancy process is finalised and this hell ends, it’s time to find a job I enjoy doing, where I’m helping people and balancing family life at the same time.
I would love to work from home on a permanent basis and be close to my family, in the event of emergencies or childcare issues. I will be actively looking for a supportive employer, a company that values mental wellbeing and family time. Up to now, I’ve been thinking about what I want moving forward and trying to manifest these things. At this moment in time, I am unable to be that positive person.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Right now, the reality I am living in every day couldn’t be further from how I actually feel inside. It’s like I know everything happening to me is part of the process, but I feel the complete opposite to how people are telling me I should feel at this point.
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is? If you’ve had a setback in your recovery, there are details of charities that can help you below.
If you need help with a mental health related issue
Country Living writes a great article on various mental health charities helping people in the UK.
If you don’t feel like talking (I couldn’t communicate with anyone following my breakdown), you can use the shout text service.
There are also some further contact details for mental health charities on my if you need help page.
How do I feel at present day?
A few weeks down the line, I now accept I am ready to move on to the next stage of recovery. This will involve a phased return at work, possible adjustments to my working pattern to avoid this happening again to me in the future, and planning for my next career move, whilst awaiting much-needed redundancy updates.
In the meantime, I have apps, details for therapists, and books I need to read to aid my recovery. I will also continue to blog, as this is helping me process feelings.
Final thoughts
Every individual is different. I now realise a setback in my recovery isn’t as bad as my mind tells me it is. We all have triggers and our experiences and brain chemistry decide how we react to certain situations.
The way I was feeling when I wrote this diary entry, I was genuinely convinced I would never gain control of my life or have another good day in the future. But anxiety and depression lie to you.
I understand through experience what it means when someone says “recovery isn’t linear”. It means you will have days or weeks like this. Maybe it’s a natural thing that happens when you start to work through your emotions and understand what led you to this point.
My hope is anyone reading this, who is impacted by these issues, will realise better days came for me. And there is hope.
I am by no means healed, but I am on a journey of self-discovery and hopeful I can create a better future than the one I chose to live in previously.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy.
Grab a cup of tea and read more blogs in the mental health category below
7 crucial steps I took to gradually recover from my breakdown
Recovery from my breakdown was not an easy task. Previously I viewed self-care as selfish. I would be doing something…
Breathe Bracelets – 10 breaths bracelet
#GIFTED POST – When the lovely lady from Breathe Bracelets messaged me about her shop, I was excited about the…
Why I’m revealing my honest feelings about a setback in my recovery from a breakdown
The reason I am sharing this post with you today Following a setback in my recovery, I wanted to share…
8 questions I’m asking myself in preparation for gratitude day
World gratitude day is fast approaching – Tuesday 21 September 2021! In preparation for gratitude day, I’m thinking about all…
Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe your honesty and vulnerability helps so many. It’s important to take one day at a time even one moment at time when necessary. I appreciate your post.
Pastor Natalie
Letstakeamoment.com
Thank you for your comment – I totally agree. Taking life one day at a time and realising I can’t do everything right now is helping.
Wow. I got so emotional reading this thank you so much for sharing your story and being so vulnerable. You probably helped so many more moms out there than you realize with your authenticity. I’m so sorry that it’s been so hard for you right now and I wish you strength to get through this. hugs.
Thank you so much for this comment. I am smiling because it makes me happy this resonated with someone else. It’s the whole reason I set up the blog in the first place.
Thank you for hugs & strength – I am getting there slowly. Writing my thoughts down for the blog helps.
Recovery is definitely all about peaks and troughs, thank you for sharing your troughs ❤ I’ve been having a few setbacks lately and it frustrates me so much. Sending you lots of love xx
Thank you for sharing this & I hope you’re ok. It’s difficult isn’t it, but we will be fine. Bad days don’t define us – I will keep saying this to myself 🙂
Please sign me up for your website. Amy from Stamford, Ct., USA
I started a blog in March 2020, at the onset of the COVID crisis here, to bring smiles and laughter to others. While mental health meds are necessary and effective, there is some truth to “laughter is the best medicine.”
The blog is ugottalaff.com Thank you.
I will check it out. I agree, laughter works wonders.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I’m sure a lot of people experience this and it’s nice to be able to understand and read how people are feeling. Thanks for sharing x
Lynn | https://www.lynnmumbingmejia.com
It is so important that we share these experiences as they make people feel less alone. Also you highlight routes to take for support. Thank you for sharing.
It’s great that you’ve realised that a setback in your recovery is not as bad as your mind would have you believe. It is no doubt a really difficult thing to navigate and causes you distress but you can work through it (with help as you identified now too). Thank you for sharing this as it is a reminder that recovery is not a simple, uncomplicated journey — what you’ve shared is much needed and I wish you well in all you do to get through this.
I am so sorry you went through such a tough time. I used to get intense depressive episodes that would lead to me getting leave from school and I remember how hopeless I would feel during those times.
I want you to please remember to be kind to yourself, always. Especially on the tough days. Mental health struggles don’t just go away and we always have to work at recovery everyday. A relapse doesn’t mean you failed. The fact that you are getting all the help you need and have a supportive team mean you are going to heal again. Recovery is not linear, everyone has their own journey.
Sending you so much love and healing.
Sending the love and healing right back at you.
Thank you for this lovely message. I needed to read this today!
You are so brave to share your recovery process with your readers. I wish you hadn’t had that awful doctor experience, it ls so upsetting that he would say those things to you. Knowing that ‘recovery isn’t linear is a big step and I wish you all the best with your recovery ❤
Thank you for this comment. The doctor set me back a little, but it’s about picking yourself up. I now realise there will be bad days and that’s fine.
Thank you for being so brave to share this. I feel this will help many people see that they are not alone.
I wish you luck in your recovery
Thank you for your comment, it means a lot to me! I hope other people reading this feel they are not alone and these feelings are more common than we think.
Thank you – I am getting there, one day at a time xx
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this but I appreciate how open you are with this post.
Thank you for your comment. I’ve been on a journey and definitely want to help others in a similar situation.