My mental breakdown happened in May 2021. A culmination of a difficult pregnancy, work stress, birth trauma, no self-care whatsoever, lack of sleep for a prolonged period and caring for a small child. I found the whole period overwhelming and there were not enough hours in a day to juggle the unmanageable load. The breaking point seemed to come when my workplace started adding too much pressure on everyone. Up until this point I was keeping my head above water, even though hindsight tells me it wasn’t a healthy way of living.
You have some pretty random thoughts when you’re in the midst of a mental breakdown and you cannot decipher fiction from reality. All the thoughts passing through your mind become your reality and you rely on the people closest to you to tell you which ones you should listen to.
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I know some people are dubious about awareness days. I totally agree with the point that mental health should be spoken about every. single. day. However, I will use awareness days to talk about my own personal experience. If one person who wasn’t aware of my situation, learns something new, I am happy. For me, it is all about raising awareness. In the hope that one day in the future, these small actions will amount to huge systematic changes.
Today I want to talk to you about where I am with my mental health journey and how long it took to be well again
Full system reboot
In previous blog posts, I discussed the feeling of my brain switching off and it couldn’t be restarted again. Throughout the aftermath of my mental breakdown, I spent my days pretty much switched off completely. Sitting on the sofa for hours on end, watching TV, but not really paying attention to anything. There was no sense of time. Depression made my cheeks hurt. I never thought you could get a cheek ache from a sad face, but you can.
My friends and family were very adamant about the fact I should continue a “normal” routine. I hate that word, because what is normal? It has a different meaning for each individual and I think the word acts as an unattainable standard. This is true in my life, anyway, so I avoid using the word.
Battling with your own mind is a daily challenge
During this period of recovery, every action, movement, and the daily task was a challenge. I had to work myself up to get a bath. My hubby pretty much forced me to go on a long walk one day and it took every ounce of energy I had to get out of the house. I still look at these pictures and remember the pain and general numbness I felt.
Childcare and mental illness
During this period, I absolutely focused my energy on looking after my little one, on the days she didn’t attend nursery. But, sometimes I just didn’t have the resources and therefore a lot of it fell to my hubby and parents to help out.
She also knew something was wrong and would come and “look after” me. Young children have a sixth sense and they can pick up on emotions, even if you think you’re hiding them well. I still feel mum-guilt for taking time out for self-care, sometimes. Especially napping in the afternoon if I need to. I’ve come to realise there are precautions I need to take in order to maintain a good standard of mental well-being. And I will always be honest with my little one, about emotions and why self-care is needed. Parents cannot parent well if we don’t look after ourselves. It’s a constant battle.
Bringing me back to life
My family and friends surrounded me with love, but I was emotional, worn down, and temperamental. It would be months before I had my life back, my personality and gained a sense of identity again. Depression strips you of all these things. The system reboot is what it says on the tin. You are stripped back to factory settings. A blank canvas. And hitting rock bottom is a horrible experience. But there is hope. Things can get better. But I won’t lie and say it is easy. It is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
The self-care routine that helped
During this period I was off work, and largely by myself, whilst everyone around me went about their daily lives. I spent my days having long baths, using all my trusted self-care products. My local park became my haven and I would sit on a particular bench, soaking up nature, thinking about life and watching the world go by. A world I wasn’t fully part of yet. In my mind, I was a bystander, invisible to everyone else.
My friends and family were very adamant about the fact I should continue a “normal” routine. I hate that word, because what is normal? It has a different meaning for each individual and I think the word acts as an unattainable standard. This is true in my life, anyway, so I avoid using the word.
I honestly never thought of the secondary impacts of being depressed. But there are so many. As the money organiser of the house, being switched off, reset, and rebooted isn’t exactly great for maintaining a household, or remembering to pay bills. I just didn’t care about organising life anymore. And it impacted our family.
I started baking to bring myself back to life and clinging onto anything I previously loved, to ignite a passion. To bring back a spark. But I still felt unhappy, and numb. I had affirmation cards and motivational quotes scattered around the house. These massively helped and I still use them to this day. I even visited the local spirit church, in the hope of finding some peace. It worked.
Toxic workplace culture
Reluctant to carry on as normal, when I was off work due to mental health problems, I was scared and filled with irrational fears. What if someone from work sees me? What would they think? Looking back, these thoughts were the negative anxiety voice in my head. And they were created from working in toxic workplace cultures for so long. Something I will never go back to!
Dichiperhing fiction and reality
My family were right. Normality, routine and self-care were all needed. A focus on my health, not the workplace which had basically sent me to this negative place in my mind. Why on earth did I still want to focus on them? But the mind does this. You have some pretty random thoughts when you’re in the midst of a mental breakdown and you cannot decipher fiction from reality. All the thoughts passing through your mind become your reality and you rely on the people closest to you to tell you which ones you should listen to.
What mental illness really looks like
I see a lot of debate on this. The answer – every single person will be impacted by mental illness differently. I hid my anxiety for years. therefore I looked fine. But I wasn’t. That said, I look back at the photos just after my mental breakdown and I remember how I felt. Going through them today actually makes me quite sad. I need to not dwell on them for too long.
The photos show bad skin, a blank look behind the eyes, and tiredness. Throughout my journey back to recovery, I sometimes compared these pictures with ones where I looked slightly happier. To me, it meant progress. When you’re in the midst of recovery, it is sometimes difficult to see any progress and look at the situation objectively.
There was an element of ‘putting on a brave face’ for my little one. But mostly, I accepted my situation and allowed myself to feel the pain and numbness. Something I had masked for so long was finally let out! In order to heal, you have to acknowledge your situation. And I had battled with anxiety for too long.
The journey back to life
I still have gripes about the NHS and the procedures in place to help someone who has suffered a mental breakdown. Looking back, the doctors didn’t really focus on support around me and my circumstances. I didn’t feel heard, or looked after. A doctor pretty much told me they cannot be responsible for me staying off work any longer and I would have to take it up with my workplace. A workplace they knew had put me in this situation and was not helping me during the period of time I was unwell. During telephone calls with the doctor, I was distressed, and emotional, asking for help. And I felt like a burden. They made me feel like I was being dishonest to get time off work.
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Systematic change in mental health care
It is important to say, I know NHS staff are overworked, unpaid and bound by ridiculous policies. However, they are also human beings. For anyone who watched the recent Panorama documentary, when did we stop caring for other human beings, just because we have a certain job title?
I am writing this post today because there is clearly a lot of work to be done around mental health awareness. A systematic change must happen.
I’ve accepted I will never be fully healed. We are all a work in progress and life will continue to throw us challenges. Our job is to work on how we respond to adversity.
Allowing adequate time for recovery
At the time of writing this post, it has taken me a total of 18 months to consider myself fully recovered from my mental breakdown. Our financial circumstances took a hit as a result. I was expected to return to work, by both the workplace and the NHS when I wasn’t ready or well enough to. Why aren’t we looking after people who find themselves in this position? Both in the respect of health and finances. If you had a broken leg, your sick note would be issued for longer, without question and I am sure you would be entitled to some sort of financial help. Arguably, fighting a battle with your mind is worse than a physical ailment. So why as a society do we treat people with mental illness so unfairly?
Finances and mental health
I honestly never thought of the secondary impacts of being depressed. But there are so many. As the money organiser of the house, being switched off, reset, and rebooted isn’t exactly great for maintaining a household, or remembering to pay bills. I just didn’t care about organising life anymore. And it impacted our family. If you or your family are impacted by similar issues, Mind has a great section on how mental health can impact finances and vice versa.
Where am I in my life now?
At this point, I finally feel somewhat recovered. My hypnotherapy course has provided the tools I need to move forward with a weekly self-care routine. It’s a way I can look after my mind and keep myself healthy. I’ve accepted I will never be fully healed. We are all a work in progress and life will continue to throw us challenges. Our job is to work on how we respond to adversity.
Reading and writing help me and I am busy managing three blogs, launching a Gumroad shop and a T-shirt business.
I also finally feel able to take on more hours at work and look to the future. But also keep in mind that my family life is a priority as well. This being the case, I am taking steps to plan our next five years as a family. We need slightly more money to set in motion everything we want to achieve. But I still want us both to have one day per week with my little one. And of course, a family day together.
Final thoughts
Ultimately, hitting rock bottom allows you to create a blank canvas. You start afresh with brand-new building blocks. And you have the power to change things in your life that no longer serve you.
It’s strange to say this, but hitting rock bottom has transformed my life. Would I choose this experience if I could go back? No! But am I thankful for it? Yes.
