Quick note: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links; if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
We used to visit the Magic Garden Play Cafe in Howarth when my little one could barely sit up. It was when I was first introduced to Little Learners. They held one of their classes there and it was a real lifeline for me during maternity leave.
Back then I was contending with low confidence and what I now know was postpartum anxiety. I couldn’t attend the classes without my hubby or mum to accompany me. That said, we made many lovely memories together. Whilst these struggles feel like a lifetime ago, it was strange being back in the building four years on. I even forgot which entrance we had to go through!
Disclaimer – this review was written following a paid-for visit to the event. I am in no way affiliated with the cafe nor have I been paid for this review
Parents & carers community
These days I love nothing more than chatting to other mums, at the soft play centre or activity we have lined up. We also see a lot of grandparents caring for young children. My mental health struggles have taught me that as parents and carers, we are all tired and exhausted. We largely face the same struggles and there is value in a quick conversation or giving someone directions to the toilet. It’s a great community of people and I now love being a part of it.
Just the other day we were in Wetherspoons and a lovely older couple went looking for me and my toddler. We had both gone to get a refill cup of tea and left our shopping bags. They thought we had left and forgotten our shopping. So lovely of them to worry about us.
Let’s dive into the practical information you need if you want to visit The Magic Garden Play Cafe
Booking the Elsa & Anna sing-along
When I saw the Elsa & Anna sing-along online, I immediately booked it. My four-year-old is obsessed with Elsa and we took the opportunity for her to dress up. I even let her have the Elsa microphone in the car.
The location
As we were driving up the hill in Howarth I was flooded with lovely memories of coming here with my grandma. We would visit the shops and it’s a place close to my heart. It was lovely explaining that to my little one.
Upon arrival
Upon arrival, we noticed many other Elsa dresses and Anna costumes in the car park. The remark I got from my four-year-old was “I will sing along with them“.
This is what classes like this are all about. Community and making friends.
The venue has around 15 tables and I’ve never struggled to get a seat in all the time I’ve been coming here. When you are alone with a child, it’s important you can get a table and have a base to store coats, bags and shoes. And more importantly, sit down! If I cannot be sure I will get a table at the venue we attend, I always intentionally pick a pre-bookable soft play – where you can secure your table.
Kids section
There is a gated section where classes and events take place. The gate is helpful if you have little ones trying to escape. There are lots of great classes which take place here and I have included some of the posters and links for you below.
The play area
This play area inspired my little one’s bedroom decor. The IKEA leaves were something we had to get her. And she commented today that her bedroom is also decorated the same way. I love the Scandi feel of the play area. And although we were here for an Elsa & Anna singalong, all my toddler wanted to do was take off her shoes and play in the soft play.
It’s still one of the most impressive play areas I’ve visited, despite reviewing a lot of them previously. You can book to just attend the soft play only.
The cafe
As parents, we all know the cafe is an important aspect. Being able to have that nice cup of tea and a bite to eat is a must. And now I have a four-year-old I can actually sit for 10 minutes at a time. Enjoying my cup of tea is bliss. Whilst she is off making friends and enjoying herself.
How was the food?
The cup of tea and bacon sandwich I ordered didn’t disappoint. The little one got a cute little frozen meal box with the price of the ticket. Which included a selection of sandwiches (who chose ham) crisps and a drink.
We also bought an Elsa bun, cos we all deserve a little treat.
Prices for play
You can view the prices for play and some of the upcoming events at the cafe. For a full list, check out the website.
Opening times
The cafe is open during these days & times:
* Monday to Thursday 9.30 am – 2.30 pm.
Parties
They also offer parties. All the details you need are here.
Summary
My intention is to enjoy the rest of the summer with my little one – when I can. Because childcare is so damn expensive, we will also keep the same family routine throughout the year. Meaning my toddler gets one weekday with each parent, during the school holidays. And the rest of the time I’m looking at sports clubs, which I know she will love.
My mental health struggles taught me a while ago, that a work-life balance was the only way I could mentally keep myself well. I’m also thankful I’ve managed to create the balance we need. And I plan on keeping it that way.
I will be booking more amazing activities – to create lifelong memories with my baby girl.
Now we have an energetic toddler, we require activities to stimulate her and wear her out. Soft play is a great solution. A safe environment, where I can have a coffee, possibly do some blogging tasks on my phone, and she can play. These days, she often goes off on her own to explore and I think this skill is important for any child.
In this post, I wanted to cover some of the venues we have recently visited, including Kidzplay Shipley and also outline the important benefits of soft play.
PLEASE NOTE – I have no affiliation with any of these play centres. These are places we visit as a family
Billy Bobs, Skipton
Let’s dive in, as eagerly as my little one does in the ball pool
Great venues to visit in West Yorkshire
We are quite lucky, as we have a lot of soft play centres close to where we live, including Kidzplay Shipley. Here are some of the best ones we have visited:
Billy Bobs
I have written about Billy Bobs before. We love it for a family meal out and also for play. We recently took the little one for a play session. We filled up with a big brunch beforehand and then only had to pay for the wristband, which is £3.00 for one hour’s play. We got a coffee each and had an ice cream treat afterwards.
What I love about Billy Bobs is the outdoor playground, featuring several amazing structures, including a monster truck, aeroplane, ark, fire truck, tractor and train! As we cannot guarantee the weather will be nice enough to be outside here in the UK, it’s great they also have an indoor play barn. In the barn, you will find rope swings, racing slides, an alligator alley, little kid rope swings, and a toddler trike track.
All of this can be found in the wonderful Yorkshire Dales countryside. It’s so relaxing to sit on the amazing swing benches with a nice coffee and enjoy the sunshine.
Billy Bobs will now be one of my go-to places on my days off with the little one. A warning – weekends and school holidays can get very busy and they make this clear on their website.
Kidzplay Shipley
Kidzplay has several play centres, but we recently visited the Shipley one on a day out. It’s huge and even has a football pitch floor, with a racing track underneath. There is something for all ages, a smaller play area for toddlers, a specified area for babies and for the bigger kids, a huge slide.
When I take my little one here, I get the most relaxation time, simply because she has so much to explore. But the building is secure and you can see them at all times. This gives you peace of mind they are okay. And we can all enjoy our coffee when we know the little ones are okay!
I also love the fact you can book online and therefore it’s less hassle when you get there. I know there will be a table for us and we can quickly scan our tickets upon entry. These are important factors when you are on your own with a toddler. I have also booked last minute on several occasions, which is another bonus when you are trying to decide if you have a tired, moody toddler. Or whether they need activities to tire them out that day. There is only so much planning you can do with an unpredictable toddler.
Little Daisy’s is a small and cosy play place. Definitely for the younger end, if you have babies and small children, it’s perfect. The food is great and you can see your little one at all times from wherever you sit. It’s such a cute place and well hidden at the back of a church.
Little Daisy’s, Shipley
Brewers Fayre pubs
We recently visited the soft play centre at our local Brewers Fayre Pub. It was a weekday and the little one had the frame all to herself. We bought some drinks and snacks and everyone had fun. She also loved playing outside on the climbing frame, which was easily accessible from the soft play area.
If we did want to eat, there are tables near the soft play section and the food is cheap. They also have loads of great deals, including refilled coffee for parents. They even offer parties for just £50, before 11 am on a weekend. I am seriously considering them for our party needs next year. Given that we have promised a party for their next birthday.
Brewer’s Fayre
Let’s discuss the great benefits of soft play
Balance
Climbing through all those challenging places definitely improves balance. Billy Bobs even have balance beams in the play barn.
Waiting your turn
At busy times there are a lot of toddlers, all wanting to get down the slide at the same time. They have no choice but to figure out how to wait their turn. Or risk being bumped by another child. It’s great to watch this problem-solving in action.
Playing with others & sharing
There are only a limited amount of footballs on the pitch at Kidzplay. Therefore, it’s all about sharing. A while back my little one was telling me the ball was hers and insisting on taking it to our table. A bit of explaining ensured she quickly learned how to share and play well with others. Another valuable skill for any toddler.
Making decisions
I love watching her think about something and come to her own conclusion. It’s all part of growing up.
At Kidzplay, there are four seats on the big slide. The decision for her was, which of the four slide seats I go down? I literally watched her switch seats, and then she made a decision and stuck with it. It’s nice to watch from afar without reprimanding them because they are in danger. There is no danger in a soft play centre.
Days out with the kids during the cost of living crisis
I am sure we could all do with money-saving strategies at the moment. But anyone with a toddler will know, you also need to balance this with taking them out of the house. It’s great that I can do these activities on my days off work, for much cheaper than a day at nursery.
It’s also great to see businesses offering cheaper or free meals for children during the summer holidays in the UK. If you are taking the little one out anyway, you could have a meal out and then visit the nearest soft play. Any cost savings you can make are great.
Final thoughts
I hope you enjoyed reading how much we love soft play. I’ve wanted to write this post for a while and share our favourite places to visit.
In our hustle-driven culture, where productivity and output often dominate our sense of self-worth, it’s all too easy to dismiss hobbies as mere ‘luxuries.’ We’re trapped in a relentless loop: wake up, work, manage household chores, perhaps attend to kids, sleep and then repeat. But let’s pause and think: when was the last time we did something purely for the joy of it? Not because it was another item on our to-do list, but because it made our soul sing? As a seasoned parent and mental health advocate, I’ve come to understand that nurturing our personal interests isn’t just beneficial, it’s essential. Our passions and hobbies aren’t silly pursuits; they are lifelines to our inner selves.
When our lives feel overburdened, as they often do, the idea of dedicating time to a hobby can seem like a far-fetched dream. Yet, it’s in these moments of mental exhaustion that we need these sanctuaries the most. Engaging in a hobby is akin to whispering to your soul, “I see you, and you matter.” Diving into a book, strumming a guitar, painting, dancing, or even tinkering with gadgets allows us a mental escape. This escape isn’t about running away from reality but rather grounding ourselves in it. It reminds us of our multifaceted nature. We’re not just workers, parents, or caretakers; we’re creators, dreamers, and explorers. The key is for you to be realistic about how much time you have available, it doesn’t have to be extravagant; it needs to matter.
The Therapeutic Power Of Interests
Research has consistently shown the myriad mental health benefits of engaging in hobbies. These pursuits release dopamine, our brain’s ‘feel good’ medicine. Activities like gardening, for instance, have been proven to lower cortisol levels, the hormone related to stress. Hobbies also foster a sense of accomplishment. When we bake a cake, finish a knitting project, or master a new song on the piano, we experience a surge of pride and fulfilment. These moments are not only therapeutic; they are transformative. They allow us to navigate our vulnerabilities and emerge with purpose.
Finding Your Passion In The Midst Of Chaos
For many people, the idea of ‘finding their passion’ can feel overwhelming. It is a really difficult question to answer, so if you’re someone who hasn’t yet discovered that spark, here are a few ideas to help:
Childhood Recall
Often, our true interests lie buried in the memories of our younger selves. Think back to what you loved doing as a child. Did you enjoy scribbling stories, building things, or perhaps dancing in your room?
The ‘Flow’ Test
As difficult as it may seem, try to reflect on moments when time seemed to fly by, and you felt wholly engrossed in an activity. That’s your ‘flow’ state, a good indication of a potential passion.
Start Small
Your hobby doesn’t have to be grand or elaborate. Begin with short, manageable sessions. If you’ve always wanted to write, start with a journal or short stories. If art calls, try doodling or basic sketching.
Community Connection
Joining clubs or online communities related to your interest can provide encouragement and support. Sometimes, shared passion can be the best form of therapy. Plus, there might be hobbies out there that you didn’t even know existed. Online communities can be a revelation in this sense.
An Invitation To Embrace Your Inner Self
If there’s one thing I want to leave you with, it’s this: You are deserving of joy, fulfilment, and moments of pure, undiluted happiness. Your hobbies, no matter how big or small, are your soul’s way of connecting with the universe. They aren’t just distractions or luxuries; they are integral to your being.
When Passion Meets Purpose
It’s a beautiful realization when what fuels our soul can also fuel our livelihood. Perfecting a hobby not only enriches our spirit but can pave the way for unexpected career opportunities. Let’s take photography as an example. What starts as a weekend fascination with capturing sunsets can evolve into a professional gig. Be it wedding photography, wildlife documentation, or fashion shoots. Many have found their career niches by simply following their heart’s interest. Now you could argue that you’d need to invest in your setup, but through secured loans, you have every opportunity to get everything you need to live your dream and pay it off as you go. Embracing your hobby might just lead you to a vocation where every working day feels like an extension of your passion. Remember, when passion meets purpose, magic happens. It’s the home of true happiness.
In the grand scheme of things, let’s not lose our unique characteristics. They add colour, texture, and beauty to the larger picture. Take a step back from the grind. Revisit that old guitar gathering dust, pick up that paintbrush, put on your dancing shoes, or even venture into the kitchen to whip up a storm. Remember, your passions are the rhythm that keeps you moving.
Toddlers can be frustrating at times, but I always try and put myself in their shoes. How much emotion would you feel if you had something to say but didn’t know the words yet? Bless them. Yes, it is tough to think like this when a toddler is testing your limits and pushing your boundaries. But as adults, I feel like we must. We are responsible adults and our brains are actually capable of processing emotions. Unlike the brain of a child.
Please note – before we get into this post, I should say, I acknowledge parenting is the hardest job in the world. I get angry and frustrated, just like any other parent. But in our household, we do make a conscious effort to resolve conflict situations differently with our little ones.
I am no expert on this subject, nor do I incorporate all the elements of gentle parenting. I am still very much on a learning journey. But I wanted to share our experience in order to help other people out there.
Accepting that all behaviour is communication and it is age appropriate for their developmental stage, really allows you to parent differently.
Let’s look at the science
I think once you get your head around the fact toddlers don’t actually possess the same brain capabilities and development as adults, you can start to take things less personally. My little one is quite intelligent and can be grown up when she wants to. My hubby, mentioned the other day that sometimes we expect too much of her because of this, and we must remember the below.
Though your 3-year-old is beginning to understand the emotions they are feeling, they still have very little control over them. If they find something funny, they’ll laugh hysterically. If something makes them feel sad or angry, they’ll burst into tears. If they feel something, they are likely to act on it. This may mean snatching a toy away from another child if they want to play with it, or getting upset when they want a snack after being told they have to wait until dinnertime. Delayed gratification means nothing to them – they want it and want it now. Three- and 4-year-old children may use hitting, biting, or pushing as a way to solve conflicts. They simply don’t understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate interactions yet. It’s your job to teach your child that there are right and wrong ways to express emotions and resolve problems with others.
How powerful is reading this? Children may also laugh as a default when they don’t know what else to do. As a parent, it could seem like they are laughing at being told boundaries, or being sneaky. But this probably isn’t the case.
Accepting that all behaviour is communication and it is age appropriate for their developmental stage, really allows you to parent differently.
When you realise toddlers are simply finding their way through the world, how to respond and they simply don’t know the way yet. The adults around them can then act accordingly.
I won’t mince my words here. Given my own upbringing, at a different stage time, where harsh discipline was accepted, I thought the term “gentle parenting” was just parents not being firm enough with their toddlers. In the very early days of having a baby, I had visions of reasoning with a little person in the supermarket and losing control. Which in turn would mean I lost control of the situation.
Joining TikTok made me realise how we parent within our family, is actually gentle parenting. And following Kelly Medina Enoson TikTok has helped. I love how honest she is and following her journey makes me feel comfortable with what we are doing. More importantly, it will never be perfect.
What changed in our parenting style?
Before our little one was born, I thought I would be a much harsher, stricter parent than I actually am.
When your little one starts moving around, touching plugs and threatening to hurt themselves every minute, you need to have parenting conversations. And you won’t always agree. My hubby and I were brought up the same way. Pretty afraid of our parents at times – that look they would give, or raised voices indicated we should stop doing this.
But I just have a burning question to ask, do you get the best out of anyone, even adults when you raise your voice? As I get older, I realise the answer is no.
Collectively, we decided a while ago we wanted to avoid shouting around our little one (this isn’t always possible – please don’t think we or any other parent is perfect – there are still disagreements and sometimes raised voices).
If we do shout, snap, or get frustrated, we talk about it together, with our little one. We say sorry and move on. And we have taught this lesson so effectively, our little one will come and apologise to us if she does something she knows she shouldn’t. Granted, it may take a while for her to walk away and come back. But she always comes back, eventually. And we try to mirror this example between ourselves.
I really believe this technique is teaching her to resolve conflict herself and how she should appropriately do this. Also that no human being is perfect. If she does something and apologies when she doesn’t need to, we explain that even adults get things wrong sometimes and this isn’t something she needs to apologise for.
In order to calm a tantrum, we also do a breathing technique with her and one of us will take her out of the situation to calm down. I believe toddlers get very overwhelmed by their surroundings. This in itself could cause a meltdown. Hell, as an adult sometimes I get overwhelmed.
They need help not frustration
Just think for a second about any situation you have ever resolved by shouting. Or being confrontational, or getting frustrated. I bet it is very few. Why then, do we get frustrated with toddlers? Surely we should be actively helping them handle emotions, especially when they don’t fully understand what is happening to them. They don’t have the capability or brain power to regulate themselves and will probably wonder why adults are also becoming frustrated.
There are some other blog posts in the Gentle Parenting category – check them out here
Parents are a guide
It’s a heavy burden to carry, but as parents, we are responsible for guiding our little ones. Whether we like it or not, how they develop now will also greatly impact their future lives.
Why it matters
Positive experiences throughout childhood help to build healthy brains, while experiencing childhood trauma and abuse can harm a child’s brain development (Shonkoff et al, 2015). But our brains always have the potential to change and grow. It’s never too late to give a child or young person positive brain-building experiences.
I was dubious about releasing this post. Simply because of my feelings when I first heard the term ‘gentle parenting’. We still have a lot to learn and our parenting style will never be perfect. But hopefully, we are setting a foundation to provide our little one with the tools she will need to thrive in life.
Keep an eye on my parenting resources page and my TikTok to follow our gentle parenting journey. I plan to share with you any resources we are using.
Any advice is also welcome – let us know in the comments below.
We visited Billy Bobs Parlour Skipton – on a day outside of the school holidays and it was nice to finally see the car park half empty. We’ve tried to visit in the school holidays before and we couldn’t even get in the car park.
Post updated 13 July 2023
The place is so popular, and you can see why. You can check out their website here. And book a table here. Since the day we were disappointed and couldn’t get a table, we always book a few weeks in advance, if we can.
Quick note: Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
My review of Billy Bobs Parlour
PLEASE NOTE – this review is based on my own experience after visiting for a day out.
Walking in
From the moment you arrive, the place screams fun. Our little one couldn’t wait to jump out of the car and start zooming around. You just feel relaxed, ready for fun. Ready to indulge in yummy food, drinks, ice-creams.
Inside – takeout and ice creams
We went inside for some take-out coffee. It was nice to stand waiting with the music on in a very cool environment. I took this opportunity to take some pictures whilst it was quiet. I started writing this blog post in my phone notes whilst waiting for the coffee, hehe! The whole atmosphere made me feel like I was still on holiday at the Haven caravan park.
Our little one loved the slide and because there are hay bales everywhere, we could let her climb up by herself, without fear of her falling. There are plenty of benches to sit in the sun and around the sides for larger groups who all want to sit together.
There are also benches inside the barn, so you can sit and watch the little ones as they play. Perfect for tired mummies & daddies like us!
The climbing frames are all cool buses, and fire engines, and made of sturdy stuff. Grandad is talking about having one made for the garden, haha!
Dining at Billy Bobs Parlour
Inside we booked the family area and the table is equipped with drawing pencils & paper. Perfect for the little ones. There is a separate adults-only dining area, which I think is great. The hubby and I booked this pre-children.
Our bambino noticed some other boys & girls with the Cadillac car housing their sandwiches. This led to a slight meltdown, but some colouring seemed to help things. She is now at the stage where she knows they cook food in the kitchen and being the impatient child she is, constantly points to the kitchen waiting for the food to cook. These data and distractions are very welcome when we eat out.
The food arrived and it was so yummy. Sorry, no pics as we were too hungry and focused on the cardboard car. I promise I will take them next time!
I can tell you the buttermilk chicken burger was melted in the mouth. Perfect, even down to the toasting of the bun. Our little one also loved her cheese sandwiches. Crusts cut off, thanks to Billy Bobs. She was given cucumber, carrot sticks, and a pot of jelly. Everything she could want. It was one of the best children’s lunches I’ve seen. We also bought a Kool-Aid for her. I’ve never had it before but it’s like drinking sweet, yummy sherbert.
Playing outside after food
Outside we went straight into the other play park, which is situated outside the main doors and she was off with Daddy, whilst we sat in the rocking chairs looking at the beautiful view.
The play area is set out well. Lots of sturdy climbing frames, and seats around the edges for parents and prams, so you can see your little one from where you sit, which is a bonus. Even though she’s a toddler, she was able to play on all the equipment and we usually have to tell her no to things in a public play park.
Facilities
It’s important for parents to be aware of the facilities available before visiting. There is a nappy-changing cubicle in the ladies toilets, but there was no nappy bin, which would have been useful. I didn’t personally go into the disabled toilets, but I am assuming they also had a baby change, and possibly there was a nappy bin in there that I didn’t see.
The toilets are located outside the main doors, which means you can use the facilities even if you’re only visiting for ice cream, or playing.
How to get there
The all-important opening hours and map can be located here.
Rules
You can visit this page for more information. During term time, when it’s quieter because the kids are at school, you can pay £3.00 to play for an hour. Perfect if you want to just let the little ones play, or only want a take-out coffee. Now I know they offer this option, I would be inclined to visit Billy Bobs Parlour again whilst out and about doing other things. It goes without saying, we will also be back at some point for food.
For most people, cars are expensive, and it can be a hassle trying to find a car you can rely on without breaking the bank. When you’ve got a family, your car can make a world of difference; without it, life can be pretty tough. That’s why it’s important that when you’re looking to buy your car, you take it seriously. Taking more time when deciding on the right car for you can save you heaps of money, and a lot of stress when it comes to maintenance.
Buy it used
First things first, if you’re looking to save money on a car, you shouldn’t go for something new. You might have the idea that surely a new car is more reliable – but that’s not always the case. There are plenty of hold models that hold up just as well as a new car would and could be more reliable than newer models of car. Just because someone else has driven it, doesn’t make it any less useful for what you need it for.
Used car shops have plenty of choices for you, and it would be a good idea to shop around so you have a good selection of cars to pick from. Check which ones have what you’re looking for, like affordability, space, and so on, and then do your research. You don’t have to make a purchase the same day you visit a dealership, so take your time with it and make sure you decide on something great.
Make it an investment
Just because you’re spending out on your car, doesn’t mean that you’re losing that money. While it’s true that some cars will go down in value over time, there are plenty of models that are still sought after, and you might even see the value of your vehicle go up after you’ve made the purchase. It would be worth taking a look into which models hold their value. Of course, you’re not guaranteed to make a profit on your investment, but it would be good to know that you have the potential to make some money back when it comes time to sell it in the future.
Sure, it’s not saving you money right this moment, but there’s no way to tell whether or not you’re going to need that money in the future. It’s a good way to get more from your money, without losing out on its value.
Consider the cost of owning the car
It’s not just the main price tag that you should be looking at when it comes to saving money, it’s the amount of money it’s going to cost you to run it. You need to make sure that you’re not buying a car with very low fuel efficiency, or else you’re going to be paying a lot more to keep it fueled for everyday use. While you might save some money on the initial purchase, if you’re making daily commutes, travelling with family, or just getting a lot of use out of it in general – you’re not going to save any money.
Parenting is the most challenging job in the world. Children need love, attention, patience, meals, clothes, guidance, boundaries – all before 8.30 am. It’s exhausting, draining. But also incredibly rewarding.
I’ve seen other parents talking about how to handle toddler emotions. But we’ve recently experienced the full force of raw emotions, coming from my feisty little pumpkin. She is full of sass at the best of times – it’s just her personality! But these recent emotions, which she is clearly unable to handle, are coming across as anger and moodiness.
As a parent, it’s easy to react in these situations (trust me I have, we all have – no parent is perfect). But the correct way to deal with this situation is to help your toddler handle the feelings they are experiencing. Put simply, they don’t know how to do it themselves. I’m in my late 30’s and sometimes I can’t handle my own emotions. As such, we’ve recently explained to her that adults also struggle with emotions and created some emotion cards to help her communicate how she is feeling.
Quick note: Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
Let’s explore the range of emotions your toddler might be feeling:
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Boredom
Happiness
Excitement
Tiredness
Confusion
This is not an exhaustive list. We know as adults, there are many more emotions we deal with on a daily basis.
I wanted to share some of the tips and tools we’ve used:
Children sometimes don’t have the tools or vocabulary, or actions to communicate emotions effectively. it is up to us as adults to help them communicate effectively. And sometimes verbally speaking about it just isn’t something they are equipped to do yet. How many adults do you know who struggle to verbalise their emotions? I know a lot!
As a family, we are all going to benefit from these tools we’ve put in place, to effectively communicate our emotions.
Emotion Flash Cards
I was going to buy some of these. However, being okay at designing, due to running three blogs and a t-shirt business (all self-taught), I thought I would have a go at creating some myself. And of course, as a blogger, I will be sharing them with you all. In the hope they also help other parents out there.
Feel free to click download below, for access to the flashcards.
These cards are great because sometimes toddlers need adults to question, help or prompt them. To start a conversation about how they are feeling. When they are unable to initiate this. I’ve started off by printing some of the cards, to see how well they work. But, I’ve included a full set for you to download.
I’ve already arranged mine in the living room. In an easily accessible place.
As a family. we’ve agreed that if we are struggling to express our emotions, we will show someone the card. And we can start a discussion about how we are feeling.
Read my blog posts about our journey with gentle parenting:
As someone who struggles mentally, with anxiety and depression, I’ve now accepted the fact that as humans, we are not all happy all of the time. It’s important to feel our full range of emotions, as and when they come up. Being happy is a wonderful feeling. And as a family, we try and create as many happy family memories as we can. However, it’s natural we will all feel tired, scared, alone, and sad at various times throughout an average week.
There are many factors which can impact your emotions. Due to the health conditions we face as adults, sometimes our communication can be poor and as human beings, we lash out.
For a while now, we’ve explained to my toddler, that it is normal and completely okay to feel these other emotions. And to become frustrated in the moment, when we don’t know how to deal with them.
Fight or flight is a real thing. A pre-historic reaction to stressful situations. We often cannot control it.
Equipped with this knowledge, we humans need to give ourselves more credit. And accept we will sometimes react in the moment and apologise later.
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Finding safe & appropriate ways to manage emotions
If my little one is sad, moody or tired we talk about cuddling and laying down to have a nap. And I explain ‘Mummy is also tired and it’s okay to feel this way’. Luckily, she has a few days with us during the week, where she can relax and chill out if this is what she wants to do.
Set a good example
Toddlers learn about managing their emotions by watching us. As adults, it is our responsibility to set a good example of how to behave. However, as humans, we don’t always get it right.
Something we do as parents is apologise if we displayed incorrect behaviour. And we talk as a family about why we did that.
Other great online resources to deal with emotions
We have an independent toddler. She has her mummy’s personality. Although it can be difficult to manage at times, I want to nurture this side of her.
We’ve had a difficult few weeks, learning about emotions and basically having a fight for independence. As parents, we have lots of tools in place and we’ve always allowed her certain freedoms. The last few weeks have been about putting tools in place to manage emotions, whilst also encouraging independence. Challenging, but I’m sure it will be rewarding in the long run.
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Today I want to share with you the practical tasks we allow our toddler to do around the house. And more importantly, how this creates independence
Why it’s essential to allow a toddler to make their own decisions
We have an independent and determined toddler. However, even if we didn’t, we would still allow our children to make daily choices. Simply because it teaches great life lessons. In the future, she will need to be empowered in decision-making, in order to be successful in life.
It’s an important step in growing up. And gives them some power and control over what they do.
Benefits of providing choices include:
Giving them some control
Avoiding power-struggles
Teaching cause and effect
Helping them gain confidence.
Trust in themselves and their opinions
Self-confidence
Decisiveness
Thoughtfulness
Analytical thinking
Empathy
Here are a few tips for offering toddlers choices
Avoid too many options. Stick to two or three
Offer clear and simple choices
Make sure choices are age-appropriate, like picking what to wear or what to play with
I want to discuss some of the freedoms and choices we give our toddler. And how those choices help to teach valuable life lessons
Picking their own drinks & snacks
To successfully allow this to happen, you can ensure everything they need is easy to reach. Such as plastic toddler plates and cups, along with fridge organisers containing the snacks. Even down to a separate small bottle of milk in the fridge. The latest addition to our accessible snacks is easy-to-reach cereal dispensers. We recently bought a small dining table, so she can sit and make her own snacks safely.
Permission from an adult is a must, but the physical act of getting the snacks prepared is down to the toddler. Be prepared for spillages and mishaps – explaining it’s fine and it will clean up. As you would with any other accident in the house. At the nursery, the class learn to break up their own cereal and become more independent at meal times – something we want to mirror at home.
These days she tells me, “I’m helping you mummy because you’re busy” and it’s so lovely to watch her becoming an independent child.
Providing a choice of activities for the day can make a toddler feel empowered to feel part of the family. And more importantly, decision-making skills are developed.
It’s also more fun as an adult to just go with the flow. As parents, we see through any decision she makes. This is an important step in making your little person feel fully empowered and listened to.
What this teaches
Independence
Socials skills
Avoiding power-struggles
Their opinion matters
Their input is valuable
Picking out their own clothes
Ensuring the clothes are in an accessible and safe place is a must. But why not let the toddler go out in trousers which are back to front, if it enables them to learn to dress themselves?
I’ve done this before when we are going out on a quick journey. Some battles are simply not worth fighting.
What this teaches
Independence
Self-care skills
Learning where the clothes are located, for next time
Our toddler now has the weekly task of filling up the toilet roll holders in the bathroom. And I’m making a big deal of the fact it’s her job and she’s really good at it. Giving praise to your toddler when they complete the smallest of tasks can give them confidence.
Setting the table
At the moment we are struggling with meal times. She is fidgeting and it turns into a negotiation about how much she will eat. We are working on it – but that’s a whole other blog post!
Setting the table has helped in allowing the whole family to sit down for a meal and talk about our day. This routine and her feeling she contributed her part really help tackle the other issues we are facing.
Put dirty clothes in the laundry basket
As a toddler, she gets very dirty clothes. We have regular paint stains from the nursery. Tomato sauce stains from eating. And I won’t go into the toilet habits she is learning at the moment. Let’s just say, this creates more washing for the parents involved.
Getting her to put dirty clothes into the laundry basket can help to explain the process of washing clothes. And hopefully, make her realise that natural consequences occur when a mess happens. That said, we want to nurture the creative, messy, painting side. It’s just great to teach her about the consequences of accidents and other inappropriate messy behaviour.
It’s all a learning curve – for us as parents, and for her.
I recently introduced you all to our hamster, Fluffy. For anyone who’s ever had a hamster as a pet, you will know it’s about perseverance. We have a female and she is also very independent. My toddler apparently stood in Pets At Home and said “This is the one for me” and I maintain to this day that they are kindred spirits. Anyhow, it’s been a long road trying to tame her and we are not even at the picking-up stage yet.
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Despite this, both my toddler and hamster are doing well. My toddler can now open the cage, and hand the hamster treats. And because Fluffy knows her smell she carefully takes the treat from her.
The cutest moments involve my toddler sitting by the cage and telling Fluffy about her day. The next step is creating an obstacle course (with safety gates so she can’t escape) and taking her out of the cage for playtime – TikTok videos will follow. Watch this space.
As parents, we’ve always explained the importance of recycling. And thanks to programmes like Cocomelon it was easy to do! We have separate recycling and rubbish bins and frequently ask her to put rubbish away for us.
This has in turn resulted in her also taking plates and cups to the kitchen when we’ve finished eating. As a parent, it’s like being looked after in a cafe and it’s actually really nice.
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Our toddler loves standing on her stool and helping with the washing up. We make sure the water is lukewarm and she only has plastic plates and cups to wash up. Her grandparents also mirror this when she stays at their house. It’s a great task to allocate to a toddler, with parental supervision of course.
Making the bed
What toddler doesn’t love making bed day? A chance to jump on a freshly stripped bed. We now get her involved in putting the pillowcases back on and sorting out the duvet cover.
Setting up the bathroom for bath time
Our little one knows where her bath towels are and we have a box with bath toys in it. Because we sometimes get morning baths and we are in a rush, she always asks me whether she can play with her bath toys first.
We also have a basket with shampoos and body wash – she is learning which one to use in which area of her body. And also now washes her own hair. She’s even recently got out of the bath, using her stool and we find her chilling on the sofa in her bath towel.
Gardening
Our little pumpkin was recently given a sunflower by my dad’s work friend and she regularly waters it. She’s also got her own gardening tools. When we move house, the aim is to build her a mud kitchen. I’m sure this will contribute to the volume of dirty clothes I need to wash. But it’s all good fun.
Clearing away toys
Something nursery teaches the toddlers, is tidy-up time. Where regardless of who has made the mess, they all participate in the tidying-up efforts.
At home, we’ve recently organised toys into storage boxes and explained where each one lives. As a parent, it makes my life much easier. And she is learning to put toys back into the correct, allocated boxes.
Dust furniture and clean the glass
Like any toddler, she loves spraying water. It was only right that we eventually gave her these small cleaning tasks around the house. Because of the chemicals involved it’s only recently she’s allowed to do it. And we are careful to explain she should only spray the surface and wipe it with a cloth. (DISCLAIMER -parental supervision is also involved and she is a pretty intelligent child, who would never mess around with chemicals anyway).
In turn, this has also helped with her aiming her toddler perfume in the right direction too!
Final Thoughts
I hope you enjoyed reading about the tasks we give our toddler to encourage independence.
What tips do you have for dealing with toddler emotions and encouraging independence?
Please share them in the comments, because they will help other parents out there.
Looking to renovate your home? And more importantly, Renovate On A Budget?
Renovating your home can be exciting, but it can also make a huge dent in your finances if you don’t prepare adequately. According to research, about 77% of homeowners in the UK spent money on home renovations in 2021. Have you considered renovating your home but haven’t done so due to the cost involved? Thankfully, there are some budget-friendly options you can consider to help you save money, including the practical tips below.
Refresh and renovate with new paint
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The quickest, easiest, and most affordable way to give your home a facelift is to paint the walls. You don’t need to paint the entire room. Refresh the space with a new colour. You can make it a fun family activity by painting together or choosing which options you’ll want to revamp your rooms with.
You don’t need to do everything in one day. You can do it in bits, tackling one space at a time, Engineered Wood Flooring to spruce up your floor.
You don’t need to spend a lot of money to renovate your home.
Create a character with velvet dining chairs
Your home reflects you, and there’s no reason you can’t show your personality through your interior design. One great way to do this is by adding some unique pieces of furniture. For example, why not explore some budget-friendly velvet dining chairs? Not only will they add a touch of luxury to your space, but they’ll also help to create a focal point. Plus, they come in various colours, so you can find the perfect ones to reflect your personality!
Change out cabinet hardware
A simple, budget-friendly way to add spark to your kitchen is to change your cabinet hardware. And no, you don’t have to buy expensive designer knobs, either. Instead, check out your local hardware store or search online for affordable options from various brands. The great thing about this project is that it could take less than a weekend with minimal tools to renovate this area. All you need is a screwdriver and patience to remove the old knobs and get the new ones in place.
Renovate by Layering lighting with new fixtures
Swapping out your lighting is one of the most impactful ways to create a dramatic change in your home without doing a major renovation. You can buy lighting for relatively little money, and several options are available. You can also layer in different types of lighting, from spotlights to ambient lighting. Options you can explore include accent lighting; this could be fairy lights around the bed frame or LED strip lights underneath cabinets that provide just enough light to set off any room. Additionally, an overhead light or two will brighten up any dark room and provide an interesting focal point for the eye. Look for vintage fixtures that fit your preference and budget, or go bold with statement pieces like unusual wall sconces or glass pendants.
Upgrade kitchen and bathroom countertopsto renovate this space
The most popular kitchen and bathroom countertop options include durable acrylic, wood, and marble, which come in many styles and shades. Plus, it’s straightforward to install yourself. If you’re looking for something with a bit more luxury, you can opt for quartz or granite. Both of which are still relatively cost-effective. If you don’t have a lot of countertop space in your kitchen or bathroom, consider adding a backsplash when you renovate. It’s an inexpensive way to give your room an instant facelift. Another pro tip: look for remnants at local building yards for more savings!
Add storage solutions
Smart storage solutions can make searching for various home items easier. One inexpensive option is to repurpose furniture. For instance, use an antique or vintage dresser as a stylish bathroom vanity, and a stack of old suitcases as end tables. Or sturdy boxes as handy yet stylish storage. Plus, baskets of all shapes and sizes are incredibly versatile and can store everything from books to pot plants. Finally, add some hooks and rods to your walls or the back of doors. They’re great for hanging hats and scarves or storing cleaning products out of sight.
Incorporate smart tech for efficiency gains
There are many intelligent tech options, but one of the easiest is getting smart lighting hubs and bulbs. Which allows you to control your lights remotely. These can help save money on electricity bills by ensuring you use the light only when necessary. Smart thermostats are another great option that keeps your interior warm and saves you money in the long run. Beyond this, there are lots of fun gadgets you can get, like Alexa or Google Home, that allow you to control other items in your home, such as security cameras, door locks, and more. It’s an easy way to add convenience and give your home a little 21st-century touch!
My battle with perinatal anxiety & depression was a long and scary journey.
Throwing hormones into the mix, along with a history of managing anxiety-related issues and panic attacks, was probably always going to be a recipe for disaster. But pregnancy was the point in my life when I finally needed help. Of the medicated kind.
The factors at stake for me during pregnancy were not only the worries related to the actual pregnancy, but risks to my sanity, family, income-earning ability, and my job role.
let’s look at the definition of perinatal:
Perinatal mental health (PMH) problems are those which occur during pregnancy or in the first year following the birth of a child. Perinatal mental illness affects up to 27% of new and expectant mums and covers a wide range of conditions.
As a result of working full-time, I put a lot of additional pressure on myself. It’s fair to say I wasn’t exactly working for a business where having kids was fully supported. I think this is improving, but there is still a lot of work to do in the corporate world. Women shouldn’t have to choose between having children or succeeding in a career. Businesses need to ensure both options are achievable.
Although I know my mushy brain raised red flags at work, it was too early to announce the pregnancy. We were still within the three-month period, and to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know, because I thought it made me look weak.
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Working full-time during pregnancy and having pre-existing anxiety issues was a lot to deal with. I hope telling my story will be of some benefit to you.
In this post, I will cover the following topics:
What is antenatal depression
My backstory
The pivotal moment I knew I needed help
Antidepressants
How I think mental health services for women during pregnancy could be improved
Why are women still afraid to speak out on mental health matters?
Techniques that helped me through
What the experience taught me
Mummy comes second
Often, we neglect our own mental health to be a mummy. Self-care comes bottom of the list and there aren’t enough hours in the day to complete every task on the never-ending list. I found out the hard way. You don’t realise you’re neglecting yourself until it’s too late. At this point, the damage is already done.
From my own experience, health services need to be more proactive in respect of pre-pregnancy mental health problems. There is a lot of information and help out there relating to postnatal mental health problems. But my experience didn’t fit into this category. It made me feel like this was supposed to happen to me after I had the baby, not now. Surely? Why was this happening now?
Looking back, the impact of this shameful thinking only made matters worse. I was afraid to speak out and visit the doctor, for fear someone would think I was an unfit mother. The anxiety talking in my head would tell me, you can’t look after yourself, how can you look after a baby?
I’ve also found these resources for anyone who needs to read more on the subject. You can filter by area and will see a range of therapists, charities, and support groups.
Please read on for the full story of my battle with antenatal depression…
My backstory
I was two months into the pregnancy when I started feeling the symptoms listed in this article:
I was at work full time, struggling with the office-environment heat. Eating properly was just not happening, due to a constant sicky feeling (I felt permanently sick throughout pregnancy but was never actually sick!). I was far away from the toilet and needed to pee every 20 minutes – you get the picture. I actually lost weight over the course of my pregnancy, due to not getting enough nutrients.
My hormones and worries made it incredibly difficult to concentrate on my work tasks and I became paranoid that I was unable to do my job. I was seeking reassurance from a management team, who were used to me just getting on with things, however difficult the task was. Although I know my mushy brain raised red flags at work, it was too early to announce the pregnancy. We were still within the three-month period. And to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know, because I thought it made me look weak.
We need our tribe
A mental health specialist once made the point, the people we refuse to tell during this three-month period are the very people we would need if something unforeseen was to happen. This has stuck with me, and it’s true. In the future, I probably wouldn’t open up in the workplace, unless I felt comfortable in doing so. But I would definitely let my friends and family in, sooner than I did before. They are the tribe you need around you, at such a testing time in life. It takes a village and all that jazz (it really does BTW – safety in numbers with toddlers, hehe).
The pivotal moment I knew I needed help
I tried to plod along for a bit. We had a holiday planned (pre-planned before pregnancy). And I remember spending every waking moment of the getaway fixating on work and the conversation I’d had with a manager before leaving. The manager in question was trying to gauge why I was being so mushy in the brain (baby brain is real people). I wasn’t really capable of communicating verbally at that point and therefore, it was all a bit of a mess.
The damage caused by keeping these feelings to yourself at such a vulnerable, unpredictable time in life, is colossal. Then going through possibly the worst trauma of your life and trying to look after a small baby who is totally relying on you. It’s a lot to cope with. And we should be able to open up about it without fear.
It’s fair to say my worries, and anxiety levels about being bad at my job, pretty much ruined my experience on holiday. As much as I told myself to put the thoughts out of my head, they would come back. Even trying to forget about the drama at work was exhausting.
Upon my return from holiday, I booked an appointment with the doctor. What I experienced during my appointment didn’t help me at all. They were reluctant to prescribe antidepressants during pregnancy and were unable to explain why. I was left to muddle through at work and I am sure you can all imagine, things worsened. My mental health was in serious decline and I didn’t know what to do.
Why it’s vital to reach out for help
The situation wouldn’t improve until I had the help I needed. My instinct told me this was the case, but I felt like the doctors were not listening to me. This resulted in me worrying and playing out situations in my head, which only fuelled the negative anxious thoughts I was already having. When you’re at your most vulnerable, you shouldn’t have to fight to access mental health services and the solutions you need.
I knew I needed medication at this point. Something to help me out of a black hole. So I could focus on growing a child and balancing the pressures of daily life.
Around this time, I also experienced very rude reception staff when trying to make appointments. I was speaking to them following a few hours of sleep, worrying all night and I just needed help. I ended up crying down the phone twice and I honestly don’t think they are adequately trained to deal with people experiencing mental health problems.
Complaining to the GP
I made a complaint and left the doctor’s surgery, following an incident where they asked me to visit reception. I nearly had a panic attack and was afraid to approach the reception desk due to the treatment I’d received previously. I didn’t need rude people dealing with my care, on top of my existing need for help and my current, very fragile mental state.
Talk about adding to my mum-guilt. Making an expectant mother feel like they are harming their unborn child, by seeking out medication to help both parties.
Mind.org provides a lot of useful information about taking anti-depressants during pregnancy. When I was in the midst of trying to convince a doctor to prescribe the medication I required (it’s ridiculous I even have to write this in a blog post), I wish someone had provided me with the information I needed to make my case.
The doctor’s viewpoint on medication during pregnancy
I was asked to go away and try other techniques to avoid medication and the doctor insinuated, had I been on medication before pregnancy, it would be fine to continue taking it. Talk about adding to my mum guilt. Making an expectant mother feel like they are harming their unborn child, by seeking out medication to help both parties.
Waiting in limbo for a solution
I personally spent two months in limbo, before finally receiving medication, which eventually helped. Including the adjustment period, I would estimate I spent five months of a nine-month pregnancy suffering, unnecessarily. Antidepressants take a while to start working, and initially, you have some pretty severe side effects. I was already walking around like a zombie and new medication didn’t help the situation.
Based on my experience, I know we need to change the system to avoid negative outcomes at a time in life where a woman should be happy and thriving.
I was desperately trying to find a solution to ease the pressure. My mental health issues impacted my well-being, my job, my relationship. In addition to the confidence, I had to be a good mother. Also, my ability to buy things for the baby and it made the whole experience pretty grim.
A difficult pregnancy
I look back on my pregnancy now and don’t remember having one good day. I probably did, but I was plagued with uncontrollable anxiety and depression. As well as trying to manage all other areas of life.
It’s definitely had a bearing on my decision to have another child. I have anxiety about what another pregnancy would be like. Would I be a mess again, unable to cope, or worse this time? Whilst also trying to care for a toddler. I also don’t have much faith I would get help from a doctor if I needed it. And I know a lot of other people who feel like this.
The research on taking antidepressants whilst pregnant
From conducting my own research, I was only able to find one study which mentioned the medication I was on. And how it could have an impact on an unborn baby. Surely, I thought, having a healthy mother is vitally important. Given the way I was dealt with by the doctor, I expected to find endless studies backing up the reluctance to prescribe the medication, but that just wasn’t the case.
How I think mental health services for women during pregnancy could be improved
Whilst in hospital Let’s just talk for a second about how calling anyone with anxiety issues, ‘difficult’, can be extremely damaging in itself. It made me feel like an inconvenience, like I wanted to go home straight away.
Unfortunately, the health service is understaffed, and staff do not have time to speak to you one on one and deal with your anxiety issues. Whilst the people caring for me were lovely, salt-of-the-earth people, who were clearly meant to be in this job. I still felt like a burden.
Traumatic experiences during my stay on the postnatal ward
I remember the morning after my C-section, with only basic over-the-counter medication, to deal with a major operation and a serious infection. Being called “difficult” for not wanting to sit up in bed until I had my painkillers. Let’s just talk for a second about how calling anyone with anxiety issues, “difficult”, can be extremely damaging in itself. It made me feel like an inconvenience. I wanted to go home straight away, but I couldn’t as I was under observation.
During my stay, I was in agony, and I kept receiving the pain medication at the incorrect times, which resulted in some nasty withdrawal symptoms from the whole, traumatic ordeal. Whilst I would only wish to thank the staff involved in my care (they do their absolute best every single day and you can see that). These circumstances resulted in my anxiety levels rising, in a situation and surroundings where there was nobody but my hubby to understand or support me.
The need for a birthing partner who knows you well
They even sent my hubby home, so there were periods when I didn’t have anyone to understand me. And I couldn’t get out of bed or look after myself!
Being in my head at the time, I was honestly afraid of how I would be judged in that situation. Would the nurse caring for her think I was an inadequate mother? Were they making notes about me and recording what was happening? Would I get a visit from social services? Because I was clearly unstable for thinking like this?
He was initially sent home during my labour period, at the pivotal moment when my pain was increasing and I felt like nobody was listening when I said that. Things progressed quickly in his absence and he was called back. However, the endless number of factors that worsened my anxiety during his absence had already made me defensive and less likely to open up. From this point, I felt trapped. And my anxiety spiralled.
The system, funding, and government intervention need to improve. It simply isn’t good enough to have a lack of care, over-tired staff, and possible negative outcomes. When you are dealing with the care of a new mother and child.
The pandemic worsening the situation
To send partners home when they are really the only ones looking after the expectant mother and taking time to understand their needs is unacceptable. The anxiety about mothers being left to fend for themselves only worsened during the pandemic. This Independent article goes into more detail. This Guardian article also touches on the issue.
Possible solutions?
I also don’t believe a one size fits all approach is sufficient when you are dealing with mental health. It would help to have mental health specialists visit patients in the antenatal ward. But it’s all about the lack of funding for services. And whilst some NHS trusts have this specialism, most still don’t. It’s also vital to allow birthing partners to stay with the expectant mother, especially when staff are too busy to care for their needs.
I am eternally grateful to the staff at our local hospital for ensuring our post-pregnancy outcome was as positive as possible given their resources. I am aware some of the issues discussed in this article can lead to negative outcomes for babies and parents. And my thoughts go out to anyone who is impacted.
Need help?
If you are impacted by any of the issues we have touched on in this article. Here are some charities that could help: Tommy’s or Bliss. They are fantastic charities doing a lot of work to help improve maternity services. I’ve also recently come across PaNDAS which specialise in postnatal Depression. Pregnant then screwed is a charity advocating for women’s rights at work.
Why are women STILL afraid to speak out on mental health matters?
The following quote is from a Glamour article and summarises how one woman felt about admitting there was a mental health issue during pregnancy:
“It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels ashamed. A woman I know recently told me that when she was pregnant, her mind was in a particularly dark place but she feared that telling someone she felt depressed could result in her baby being taken away when he was born. For months she resisted medication because she thought that being a medicated mom equaled being a bad parent. She has since started medication but is too ashamed to tell her in-laws, and she has gone from wanting multiple children to writing off any future pregnancies.”
Why is this still a problem in our society? And why isn’t someone helping pregnant women be honest and get the help they need? I do think mental health services have improved and are continuing in the right direction, but we still have a long way to go.
The quote above describes the way I felt and the way I was subsequently made to feel by a doctor. How many expectant mothers are turned away and then never have the confidence to ask for help again? As I am quite a strong person, I persisted and luckily got the help I needed. Doing this took every ounce of energy I had though. Just before getting the medication I needed, I booked 10 days holiday from work, because I just couldn’t carry on. I was even afraid to take sick leave because it would be questioned in respect of my pregnancy. I don’t know where I would be without the medication I started taking during pregnancy.
Adding a label to my experiences
It would have been beneficial for the doctor to mention or label, what I was experiencing could be a battle with antenatal depression. Nobody ever mentioned this term to me and it’s only now, looking back on the situation, that I know what it is. It has a name and I can talk about it now.
Is someone spying on me?
During my pre-pregnancy appointments and my stay on the ward (4 days), I remember feeling as though I was being watched. Checked up on, and questioned a lot. The obstetrician was obviously aware of my anxiety issues and I was overweight, which required additional check-up appointments.
Seeing through an anxiety lens
Maybe the staff weren’t acting any differently, just doing their job. The point is I felt like this throughout my care. Up to the point of discharge from the hospital post-pregnancy.
The damage caused by keeping these feelings to yourself at such a vulnerable, unpredictable time in life, is colossal. Then going through possibly the worst trauma of your life and trying to look after a small baby who is totally relying on you. It’s a lot to cope with. And we should be able to open up about it without fear.
My hubby describes me as being reluctant to visit our little pumpkin in the baby unit (she had to be monitored due to an infection). And he puts it down to my pain levels.
Being in my head at the time, I was honestly afraid of how I would be judged in that situation. Would the nurse caring for her think I was an inadequate mother? Were they making notes about me and recording what was happening? Would I get a visit from social services? Because I was clearly unstable for thinking like this?
Pressure to breastfeed
There is so much talk about breastfeeding whilst you’re there and you are made to feel inadequate, whether this is intentional or not. The surroundings also don’t help you get the rest you need: babies crying all night, women screaming in pain. Although I felt for all parties involved and could relate, it isn’t the best setting in which to recover from a major operation with out-of-control anxiety issues.
Techniques that helped me through
Stopping full-time work one month early
The pressure on expectant mothers from the workplace also has to stop! Slowly society is progressing in this area, but the progress isn’t quick enough for me or other poor mothers, who have additional guilt, added to the mixing pot of hormones, emotions, physically struggling, anxiety about life-changing circumstances, and the thought of being responsible for a new baby.
When it came to it, admitting I needed to stop working due to severe hip pain and mental health issues, really helped me. Although having to do this makes you feel inadequate. Nobody at work visited me, whether it be management or HR to ask how I was doing. The only sympathetic comments I got were from other expectant mothers. Who literally felt my pain in respect of lack of support.
Feeling isolated and lonely
It is isolating and lonely to feel like nobody understands how you feel. You’re so tired at that point. It’s too much to try and explain it to someone, who frankly doesn’t understand and doesn’t really want to. I stayed quiet for a lot of time and put my head down until I could finally finish work.
The day I finished work, I visited the doctor after not sleeping all night, feeling sick, and suffering from severe anxiety. And this was the route I took to stop working. It had to reach a breaking point before I could finally stop. They told me not to go back until after my maternity leave ended. The worry then became about limited time with my child. Was I wasting a month before the baby was here? Should I still be working?
Workplaces need to do better
I think workplaces and the government are also accountable for supporting women and making employees feel secure in having children and thriving at their jobs. You shouldn’t have to pick one or the other.
I am a huge fan of the shared paternity leave. The hubby & I have discussed doing it with a second child. Unfortunately, I don’t think enough people know about the option or want to take it up. Hopefully, this will change.
The pressure on expectant mothers from the workplace also has to stop! Slowly society is progressing in this area, but the progress isn’t quick enough for me or other poor mothers, who have additional guilt, added to the mixing pot of hormones, emotions, physically struggling, anxiety about life-changing circumstances, and the thought of being responsible for a new baby.
Self-care
During the month off work pre-pregnancy, I made time for self-care. Baths, naps, candles, chocolate, strawberry laces (even though they made me sick towards the end, with my limited stomach space). Anything that would lift my mood and make me feel a little better.
Although I was hesitant to finish work early, as I was only having 9 months at most with my little pumpkin. It was refreshing to have a month off before the baby came. I did all the things that made me feel better and stopped dragging my overloaded body to the train station every day. To a job where I didn’t feel supported. It was lovely to be out of the toxic environment.
The home was my haven
Nesting – we’ve all heard that term used. To describe a woman’s instinct to prepare for the impending arrival of a brand-new baby. I love this description from a Dad’s perspective.
My hubby was used to the nesting process (I’ve always been obsessed with cleaning). He’s the messy, unorganised one in the relationship and I’m the one who gets excited about new cleaning products. (standards have slipped though, now I have a toddler).
On the subject of men, I would also like to mention, this issue doesn’t just impact mothers. Men’s mental health can also be affected by pregnancy and the aftermath.
What the experience taught me
I have learned my lesson about prioritising the health of myself and my baby. Also, not caring about what other people think. Especially those who have no bearing on my life and the decisions I make. Ultimately you as an individual will know what’s best for you and you should push to receive the help you need. In the future, I would stick up for myself when it comes to doctors’ appointments and medication.
If and when we have another baby, I would do things differently this time. You don’t know what to expect when it’s your first pregnancy. You must experience it for yourself, in order to learn and grow.
Final thoughts
Everyone has their own way of coping with traumatic events and mine is blogging.
I can only relay my personal experience, feelings, and thoughts on this subject. I am aware there are a lot of additional factors and issues surrounding these sensitive subjects,
If you have been affected by any of these issues, let’s all speak out and raise awareness. That’s how change happens. Please feel free to get in touch, or leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you.
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