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I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:
It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.
The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.
How the day began
The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.
We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.
This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.
Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.
My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.
I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
The rest of the day
It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.
I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.
The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.
I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.
Winding down from anxiety
The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).
I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.
I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.
For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.
If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.
Was this a setback?
This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.
The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.
We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.
There is hope
I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.
A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.
I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.
The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.
Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
Why am I writing this post?
I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.
However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.
Knowing the signs
Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?
Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.
There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.
Other posts you may like to read in the mental health category
These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:
1. Work pressure
Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
I’ve dealt with work pressure for periods of time in the past, but never for such a prolonged period as during the pandemic.
We had a combination of poor management, a completely disorganised workload, a lack of care and direction about the work we were doing and, all of this whilst working at home through the pandemic. The working from home bit I loved. It suited me and I would personally love a future job role working from home on a permanent basis. It was the lack of communication and never knowing where I stood from one minute to the next that caused me huge amounts of anxiety.
We are going through a redundancy process at the moment. With this comes some toxic patterns and a lack of care from the powers that be, but what I experienced during the period of working from home sent me into full meltdown mode.
Over the year, there were a handful of mornings I was scared to open my laptop. That dreaded feeling of ‘oh no, what emails will be there this morning’. I mean, we all have this feeling sometimes, but this was a frequent thing. Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
One morning an issue arose and emails were sent between departments, insinuating the mistake was mine, I was on the phone with a work colleague and afraid to return to my own house. This is unacceptable and contributed to my breakdown.
2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department
I would regularly see updates from the business and feel like I was reading about a completely different company. Their ethos sounded amazing, a place I would want to work. A place I would definitely feel supported. I, however, did not feel supported.
The reality within our department was a miscommunication to a level I’ve never experienced before. Nobody knew what direction we were going in and it was basically just a mess, where managers were scrambling to keep a hold of what was actually happening.
Several times, I felt like emailing Human Resources and making it clear I wasn’t experiencing the wonderful communications and benefits the company was announcing. But then I thought, what is the point? What will change if I do? I was also scared to speak up, which added to the anxiety I was already experiencing.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
3. No lunches or breaks
Because we were receiving around five emails daily, asking us to reach unachievable targets, this made me feel like I shouldn’t take breaks. I should get on with the job instead. I wanted to do a good job and I’ve always had that mindset as a person.
When your work tasks are completely unachievable and impossible to attain for such a long period of time, this can be soul-destroying. You never have a successful working day and after a while, you feel like a failure. Our targets sometimes changed from email to email, without adequate explanation, like they were made up. When you’re at home, you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, as you usually would do in the office, this made things harder.
Leads me nicely onto the next point…
4. Nobody to talk to
During the pandemic, we all missed face-to-face interaction with our colleagues. Communicating via text message and telephone, sometimes isn’t the same.
It was difficult to receive these emails and have nobody to ask how they felt about it. The point is, we shouldn’t have to ignore crappy emails from managers, but the reality is lots of people do.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
I now realise connections and communication with other human beings are vital for avoiding the negative workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I am already making connections with other bloggers and organisations I would want to work for. This is something that helped me through my breakdown. You can read more about how I recovered here.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was confirmation I wasn’t going crazy.
5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality
There was one manager who didn’t really listen to anyone. You know those people who talk at you and answer their own questions. And you feel like asking why they even bothered to contact you.
Even just this in Itself, makes you feel you’re not valued or listened to.
The direction coming from the top was “get this done yesterday”. I’d been used to this mentality for a few tasks a week and I can live with that. But when this applies to every task you’re working on, it’s too much! No amount of money is worth this stress.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure.
6. An impending doom
I’m quite an intuitive person and somehow I can predict things before they happen. It’s a subtle feeling and I will tell the people closest to me, this will happen today. I’m always 100% sure it will occur. I predicted the national lockdown announcement in the UK, three days before it happened and started preparing our family for it.
Therefore, this was one of the main workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. It was a constant niggling feeling and I just wanted to ask managers to let me know what was so bad and when it would be announced.
Whilst working from home, the daily disorganisation at work gave me a feeling something wasn’t right. I knew bad news would be announced, it was just a matter of when. Shortly after feeling like this, the doctor issued a sick note for workplace stress and anxiety, and the redundancies were announced.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t going crazy.
7. The threat of redundancy
Redundancy is a horrible process for anyone to go through and it can be life-changing, but it impacts someone suffering from mental illness completely differently. I am aware many people are impacted by this, following the pandemic and it makes me sad because I worry about the mental health of those going through the process.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure. Life is hard enough, without this added stress.
If you are impacted these issues
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.
Final thoughts
I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.
My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.
That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.
Following a setback in my recovery, I wanted to share a piece of writing I did a few weeks ago when I was feeling pretty hopeless.
At present day, I am still not feeling 100%, but I am feeling a lot better than I did when I was first signed off work, four months ago, due to a mental breakdown.
I have come a long way in my recovery, but down moments can make you feel like you’re going backward in the recovery process. This is exactly what happened to me, at the time of recording the below thoughts.
The main message in my post today, is recovery isn’t linear and having down days along the way is no reflection whatsoever on the progress you’ve made up to this point.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Read on for my honest account of a setback in my recovery – written on a down day approx 3.5 months after my breakdown.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy
Diary entry
At the moment, I feel hopeless.
Recovery from a mental health condition isn’t linear. The part of my brain which deals with reality is aware of this fact. But the part of my brain living on another planet, in another realm, tells me I should be healed by now. Why all of a sudden do I feel like this?
I know exactly where these damaging thoughts came from. My conversation with an inexperienced doctor, who basically made me feel like I was lying in order to stay off work, and also asked me why I didn’t just quit my job (they are aware I’m going through a redundancy process at the moment). I left the conversation feeling worse than before it took place and some pretty insensitive things were said to me, at a time when I’m already in a vulnerable state and unable to deal with difficult conversations.
This, coupled with a delayed catch-up with work about how I’m doing. It literally took every ounce of energy I had to make the call and answer questions and they made me feel like I should return to work. I know it’s all part of the process.
Again, my intelligent brain tells me both these people have procedures and questions to tick off, but my anxiety brain is telling me lately, I will have to return to work and nobody will help me, even though I’m clearly not healed yet. Why are people forcing me to do something I don’t want to do? Something I am clearly not ready to do!
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is?
I feel angry, irritable, I am not in a sleeping routine or getting enough sleep and I am still unable to complete life tasks, like managing money, organising things, or concentrating for too long. How can I do my job when I am feeling this way?
I felt like this when I first left work due to my breakdown, and I feel like this again now. I’ve gone backward and the way I am feeling right now makes me ask myself whether I will ever be fully healed.
What does the new me look like? What does the future hold? It is uncertain right now. I just feel hopeless.
Up to now, I’ve done quite well in managing the ups and downs of depression. I’ve tried to remain positive and not let my anxiety brain take over, but it’s creeping back in.
I don’t feel happy, I feel like something is wrong with me. I wonder whether it’s all my fault. What did I do in the past to cause my brain to malfunction? What happened to me? How have I got to this point in my life?
In summary, because I am feeling this way, I think it’s now time to speak to a counselor or therapist. You can find details of therapists local to you here. This page also provides details of the support offered by Mind. Heads Together list charities they work with who offer support here.
Writing honestly about mental health for my blog naturally throws up a lot of feelings and I don’t think I know how to process them properly, without help. I will ask the doctor for some details and seek help.
I am also conscious leaving the former me behind is also part of a grieving process, mourning the old life I had. I will never be the person I was before: career-driven, highly motivated, willing to work all hours of the day, put up with bad management, or a toxic work environment.
This process has taught me too much about the damage that person causes herself. I have a toddler now, things have changed and I have to adjust my priorities to fit my current life circumstances.
When the redundancy process is finalised and this hell ends, it’s time to find a job I enjoy doing, where I’m helping people and balancing family life at the same time.
I would love to work from home on a permanent basis and be close to my family, in the event of emergencies or childcare issues. I will be actively looking for a supportive employer, a company that values mental wellbeing and family time. Up to now, I’ve been thinking about what I want moving forward and trying to manifest these things. At this moment in time, I am unable to be that positive person.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Right now, the reality I am living in every day couldn’t be further from how I actually feel inside. It’s like I know everything happening to me is part of the process, but I feel the complete opposite to how people are telling me I should feel at this point.
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is? If you’ve had a setback in your recovery, there are details of charities that can help you below.
If you need help with a mental health related issue
Country Living writes a great article on various mental health charities helping people in the UK.
If you don’t feel like talking (I couldn’t communicate with anyone following my breakdown), you can use the shout text service.
There are also some further contact details for mental health charities on my if you need help page.
How do I feel at present day?
A few weeks down the line, I now accept I am ready to move on to the next stage of recovery. This will involve a phased return at work, possible adjustments to my working pattern to avoid this happening again to me in the future, and planning for my next career move, whilst awaiting much-needed redundancy updates.
In the meantime, I have apps, details for therapists, and books I need to read to aid my recovery. I will also continue to blog, as this is helping me process feelings.
Final thoughts
Every individual is different. I now realise a setback in my recovery isn’t as bad as my mind tells me it is. We all have triggers and our experiences and brain chemistry decide how we react to certain situations.
The way I was feeling when I wrote this diary entry, I was genuinely convinced I would never gain control of my life or have another good day in the future. But anxiety and depression lie to you.
I understand through experience what it means when someone says “recovery isn’t linear”. It means you will have days or weeks like this. Maybe it’s a natural thing that happens when you start to work through your emotions and understand what led you to this point.
My hope is anyone reading this, who is impacted by these issues, will realise better days came for me. And there is hope.
I am by no means healed, but I am on a journey of self-discovery and hopeful I can create a better future than the one I chose to live in previously.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy.
Grab a cup of tea and read more blogs in the mental health category below
#GIFTED POST – When the lovely lady from Breathe Bracelets messaged me about her shop, I was excited about the product.
We instantly had a connection. I’d bought items like this in the past. I have an interest in holistic healing and definitely needed something to get me through my down days.
You can see from the pictures the package had a personal touch and brightened up my day. I particularly loved the herbal tea. It got me through some very tedious blog launch tasks! If you’re looking for a useful gift for someone struggling, see her page.
Thank you so much. I can’t wait to wear my bracelet and start practicing my breathing, in readiness for those stressful life moments, in which I previously became a nervous wreck (hopefully never again!).
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