The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.
Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
Why am I writing this post?
I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.
However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.
Knowing the signs
Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?
Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.
There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.
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These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:
1. Work pressure
Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
I’ve dealt with work pressure for periods of time in the past, but never for such a prolonged period as during the pandemic.
We had a combination of poor management, a completely disorganised workload, a lack of care and direction about the work we were doing and, all of this whilst working at home through the pandemic. The working from home bit I loved. It suited me and I would personally love a future job role working from home on a permanent basis. It was the lack of communication and never knowing where I stood from one minute to the next that caused me huge amounts of anxiety.
We are going through a redundancy process at the moment. With this comes some toxic patterns and a lack of care from the powers that be, but what I experienced during the period of working from home sent me into full meltdown mode.
Over the year, there were a handful of mornings I was scared to open my laptop. That dreaded feeling of ‘oh no, what emails will be there this morning’. I mean, we all have this feeling sometimes, but this was a frequent thing. Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
One morning an issue arose and emails were sent between departments, insinuating the mistake was mine, I was on the phone with a work colleague and afraid to return to my own house. This is unacceptable and contributed to my breakdown.
2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department
I would regularly see updates from the business and feel like I was reading about a completely different company. Their ethos sounded amazing, a place I would want to work. A place I would definitely feel supported. I, however, did not feel supported.
The reality within our department was a miscommunication to a level I’ve never experienced before. Nobody knew what direction we were going in and it was basically just a mess, where managers were scrambling to keep a hold of what was actually happening.
Several times, I felt like emailing Human Resources and making it clear I wasn’t experiencing the wonderful communications and benefits the company was announcing. But then I thought, what is the point? What will change if I do? I was also scared to speak up, which added to the anxiety I was already experiencing.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
3. No lunches or breaks
Because we were receiving around five emails daily, asking us to reach unachievable targets, this made me feel like I shouldn’t take breaks. I should get on with the job instead. I wanted to do a good job and I’ve always had that mindset as a person.
When your work tasks are completely unachievable and impossible to attain for such a long period of time, this can be soul-destroying. You never have a successful working day and after a while, you feel like a failure. Our targets sometimes changed from email to email, without adequate explanation, like they were made up. When you’re at home, you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, as you usually would do in the office, this made things harder.
Leads me nicely onto the next point…
4. Nobody to talk to
During the pandemic, we all missed face-to-face interaction with our colleagues. Communicating via text message and telephone, sometimes isn’t the same.
It was difficult to receive these emails and have nobody to ask how they felt about it. The point is, we shouldn’t have to ignore crappy emails from managers, but the reality is lots of people do.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
I now realise connections and communication with other human beings are vital for avoiding the negative workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I am already making connections with other bloggers and organisations I would want to work for. This is something that helped me through my breakdown. You can read more about how I recovered here.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was confirmation I wasn’t going crazy.
5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality
There was one manager who didn’t really listen to anyone. You know those people who talk at you and answer their own questions. And you feel like asking why they even bothered to contact you.
Even just this in Itself, makes you feel you’re not valued or listened to.
The direction coming from the top was “get this done yesterday”. I’d been used to this mentality for a few tasks a week and I can live with that. But when this applies to every task you’re working on, it’s too much! No amount of money is worth this stress.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure.
6. An impending doom
I’m quite an intuitive person and somehow I can predict things before they happen. It’s a subtle feeling and I will tell the people closest to me, this will happen today. I’m always 100% sure it will occur. I predicted the national lockdown announcement in the UK, three days before it happened and started preparing our family for it.
Therefore, this was one of the main workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. It was a constant niggling feeling and I just wanted to ask managers to let me know what was so bad and when it would be announced.
Whilst working from home, the daily disorganisation at work gave me a feeling something wasn’t right. I knew bad news would be announced, it was just a matter of when. Shortly after feeling like this, the doctor issued a sick note for workplace stress and anxiety, and the redundancies were announced.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t going crazy.
7. The threat of redundancy
Redundancy is a horrible process for anyone to go through and it can be life-changing, but it impacts someone suffering from mental illness completely differently. I am aware many people are impacted by this, following the pandemic and it makes me sad because I worry about the mental health of those going through the process.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure. Life is hard enough, without this added stress.
If you are impacted these issues
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.
Final thoughts
I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.
My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.
That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.
