When your child is anxious, it is hard to know what to do. You want to fix it, but the fixing often makes it worse — the more you reassure, the more reassurance they seem to need. I see this pattern constantly in my own practice, and I want to share a few tools that genuinely help, most of which come straight from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). None of them need any training. They just need a calm adult and a bit of patience.
First, what is actually going on
Anxiety is not a flaw in your child. It is a normal protective response — the brain’s alarm system —that has got stuck on “too high”. A child whose alarm is over-sensitive is not being difficult ordramatic. Their body genuinely thinks something bad is about to happen, even when it isn’t.
That reframe matters, because the first step is not to fix the feeling. It is to help your child understand it. Children cope far better with a feeling they can name and explain than one that washes over them from nowhere.
Name it to tame it
One of the simplest and most effective CBT tools is to help your child separate themselves from the worry. Instead of “I am worried”, it becomes “the worry is talking again”.
Give it a name. A character. A shape or a colour. I have worked with children who call their worry”the wobble”, or “Mr Panic”, or “the what-if monster”. Drawing it helps too — what does the worry look like? Is it big? Spiky? Loud?
The moment the worry becomes a thing your child can look at, it loses some of its power. Your child is no longer drowning in it; they are standing beside it. That small shift is the foundation most other tools build on.
“What is the evidence?”
This is CBT’s classic question, and it works surprisingly well with children once they are old enough to reason (roughly seven and up). When a child says “nobody likes me” or “something bad will happen at school”, don’t argue with the feeling. Instead, gently ask for the evidence.
“What is the evidence that nobody likes you?” “What is the evidence that something bad willhappen?” Then ask the other side: “What is the evidence that things might be okay?
“Keep it light. You are not interrogating them. You are teaching them that anxious thoughts are notfacts — they are guesses, and guesses can be checked. Most anxious children have never oncebeen shown how to check a thought. It is a skill, and it can be learned.
Worry time
Children who worry tend to worry all day, in little loops. One tool that breaks the loop is worry time— a set ten or fifteen minutes a day when worries are allowed out properly.
When a worry pops up outside that time, write it down (or draw it) and tell it, “not now — we’ll talkabout you at worry time”. Then actually do worry time, at the same time each day, with your fullattention. Sit down together, go through the list, and let your child voice every fear without yo jumping in to fix it.
This does two things. It contains the worrying so it stops bleeding into every part of the day, and it shows your child they can postpone a worry and the world does not end.
Breathe first, then face it a little at a time
When anxiety spikes, the body is in fight-or-flight, and no amount of logic works until the bodycalms. So the order matters: breathe first, then face it.
A slow out-breath is the quickest way to signal safety to a child’s nervous system. “Smell theflower, blow out the candle” works for younger ones; simply counting the out-breath longer than thein-breath works for older ones.
Then, face the fear in small, graded steps — never a leap in the dark. If your child is scared of dogs, start with a picture of a dog, then watching one from across the park, then being in the same room. Each step only happens when the last one feels boring. This is how fear actually shrinks: not by avoiding, but by approaching, a little at a time, until the alarm learns there is nothing to run from.
When home tools are not enough
These tools are genuinely useful, and for many children they are enough when combined with acalm, consistent parent. But they are not a replacement for professional help. It is time to talk tosomeone if the anxiety is stopping your child from doing normal things — school, friends, sleep —or if it has been going on for months and is getting worse rather than better.
The good news is that anxiety in children responds very well to proper CBT, and it is one of the most treatable difficulties there is.
The tools above are a strong start. If you need more than a start,that is exactly what a therapist is for.
Peter Klein is a CBT therapist in Richmond, London, specialising in anxiety and OCD in adults and children. He offers CBT for anxiety in person, online and by phone.
