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I know I’ve evolved – what an amazing statement. What’s better is a really mean it!
Friends, I’ve made the executive decision to end my participation in #blogtober. It’s the best thing for me.
I’ve been feeling a bit flat lately, deflated, and not sure why. The old me would never have recognised it needed to happen. I would have carried on regardless and ticked off another superwoman task on my endless, unachievable list.
However, the new me is all about a manageable to-do list and living life to the full.
My reasons for ending the challenge
Well. Firstly I’m exhausted. I am sure my fellow bloggers who are taking part in Blogtober are feeling the same. I want to say a huge well done to anyone who is still going. Along with the bloggers who didn’t take part, well because blogging is the hardest work I’ve probably ever done. But I love it.
When I first started this challenge, I had enough content and I still have endless ideas recorded and blog posts partly written. But I reached a point where I’m just not feeling it. I am not happy with the posts I still need to finalise and I think I am experiencing burnout or the beginning of it. Something is missing and dare I say it, I think I may have writer’s block. Maybe more writers exhaustion. I need a break and luckily I am on another mini holiday at the point this post is being published. Cheers to that!
Perspective and starting my fixed blogging schedule
I’ve achieved so much in my short time blogging, but I was planning to release a fixed blogging schedule and try and plan as far in advance as I can. I am going to reorganise some posts and start the below schedule from Monday 18th October 2021.
Because I’m all about self-care, taking mental health breaks, and generally avoiding ever experiencing a mental breakdown again, it’s something I must do.
I know I’ve evolved because I feel differently now. But I will be honest and say before Blogtober began, I had thoughts about looking weak if I gave up. I also wondered what other people would think. Those toxic anxiety thoughts are creeping back in, but I’m not going to let them. I’ve challenged myself by completing two weeks of this amazing challenge and now it’s time to get organised. From now on, I have the blog to focus on, alongside working and I need to plan ahead.
Final thoughts
Hey, did I just write a blog post after releasing some pressure on myself after totally giving myself a break? It works.
Here’s to all you amazing bloggers for putting out amazing content each week. I can’t wait to keep reading your work and interacting with you. I can’t help but smile when I reply to comments and read your creations.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to recovery. In this post, I will explain how I forgave myself.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It allows us to learn from the past, but it can also trick us into believing we should have done something to help our past selves sooner than we did. Even though I believe in fate, I believe someone is watching over me and guiding me through life, I still make comments to myself and others about how I let these dreadful things happen to me.
It takes serious hard work and possibly a life-changing event to fully realise the bad habits you’ve created in your life. You listened to anxiety and created your life around it, rather than replacing it with positive thoughts and taking control of your own life. It’s a pretty heavy discovery to make. You weren’t living to your full potential.
You don’t consciously think about it. You don’t have time to think with the negative anxiety thoughts going through your head every minute of every day. It’s too much to expect someone to transform their lives under these conditions.
It’s important to clarify, I don’t actually believe in my rational brain that anyone can control toxic anxiety. It controls you. By toxic anxiety, I mean the type that rules your life and changes your behaviour. It takes serious hard work and possibly a life-changing event to fully realise the bad habits you’ve created in your life. You listened to anxiety and created your life around it, rather than replacing it with positive thoughts and taking control of your own life. It’s a pretty heavy discovery to make. You weren’t living to your full potential.
BUT the point is, you had no control and probably a lack of awareness about what was happening to you.
Mental health issues like this often come with a whole host of other negative side feelings. Shame because you sit on the toilet crying at work, or crumble in meetings. Guilt because you push people away. Embarrassment because you took it out on the wrong person. The list goes on.
Living in denial
Before exploring how I forgave myself, we need to rewind time.
I personally became so enthralled in hiding what was really going on, it was normal to me. I didn’t even really know I was hiding it. You don’t consciously think about it. You don’t have time to think with the negative anxiety thoughts going through your head every minute of every day. It’s too much to expect someone to transform their lives under these conditions.
The catalyst for me changing my way of life really was breaking point. I had a milder breaking point during pregnancy. Not that any of them are mild at all. I just took some annual leave from work and nobody knew. Hell, I didn’t even know it was called antenatal depression until recently. How can we change if we don’t understand what’s happening to us?
It didn’t just take the breakdown, but it was also the added pressure of redundancy and being off on long-term sick from work for mental health.
Naturally, when this happens, you reevaluate and ask what got you to this point. How did I get here? What can I do to prevent this in future? It’s like I was forced to acknowledge my situation. But it involved me literally deciding the last 15 years hadn’t worked and I should try something new.
It isn’t even this simple. Amongst the darkness of getting over a breakdown, where you literally struggle to get out of bed. You can’t breath due to severe anxiety, or get yourself motivated. You inevitably start asking big questions your mind can’t really deal with.
Where am I in the recovery process now?
For me, this process resulted in anger and I discuss my setbacks in this post and this post.
At this point, even during a phased return to work, I am still a work in progress and I am not fully healed.
Bearing all of this in mind, you can easily see how feelings about why you’ve let yourself suffer for so long creep into your mind. Maybe it’s a natural human instinct to do this.
Why is forgiving yourself essential to recovery?
It leads me to why forgiveness is absolutely essential to recovery. And how I forgave myself.
I am not the person I was before, I feel a change. How can you be the same person you were before this life-changing event? Of course, you transform into something different. This is what trauma does to a human being.
I’ve had two huge life changes in a short period of time, just after the pandemic: redundancy and a mental breakdown. But I’ve survived and you can too.
Forgiving your past self is one of the big steps in facilitating change.
How to practice self-forgiveness and look after yourself
This post has some really useful tips for self-forgiveness.
I personally want to keep doing all of the following…
Connecting with other people
Whether it’s online, for the blog. Walking to nursery and saying good morning to someone, or going out with friends. Connecting with other human beings has been one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done since my breakdown. I intend to keep making connections. Other people can add perspective to our lives and make us realise our past lives weren’t actually all that bad.
Talking about my experiences
Starting the blog was one of the main things that got me through a difficult time. I can’t really put it into words, but I felt compelled to set up the blog. Like someone was sending me a sign I just couldn’t ignore. Like it was my purpose in life to help others. And every single day from now on, this is what I intend to do.
It helps me to forgive my past self, because I am using the experiences I was once ashamed of to write. And these posts are helping others. How can I regret my past actions if this is the case?
Realising what is important in life
It sometimes takes a terrible experience. Maybe even years of getting it wrong, to realise the right way. I am thankful this horrible year has made me realise family is the most important thing and everything else I do in life should be centered around them.
I can now create a life with a good work-life balance and remember to enjoy every moment I get with family and friends.
Maybe it took my past experiences to get me to this place. Maybe I should be thankful to my past self, rather than believe forgiveness is required.
Final thoughts
I hope you liked this post on how I forgave myself.
Let me know what you think in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
I originally wrote this open letter to my anxiety post with a guest post opportunity in mind. But, instead, I decided to share it in the lead up to World Mental Health Day 2021
I am finally telling the negative voice in my head it doesn’t rule my thoughts and it has to go…
Anxiety,
I am writing to you, but not as a dear friend. Instead, as a goodbye! Yes, you will remain in healthy amounts and you will be managed when you become unruly.
But you will never again destroy my life as you have done for so many years. You’ve taken up rent-free space in my brain for too long now. Making me believe your negative jibes.
You made me pretend I was just a difficult person, that you were part of my personality, I was highly strung and you made me lie to the people closest to me to cover up our toxic partnership. I suffered in silence and my family never understood my erratic behaviour, until now. Honesty has made your existence worth nothing. You have no hold over me now. I am taking control of my mind. It’s mine, not yours.
I cut friends out of my life, partly due to the fears you poured into my head. I might have outgrown these friends anyway, but we will never know now.
Being in a better place mentally is wonderful and I finally feel free. On the other hand, it brings with it hindsight and looking over past decisions I’ve made. Your hold over me tarnished my life and stopped me from achieving some goals. Again, maybe these achievements were meant for me and maybe they were not.
Luckily, I am a strong-minded person. Therefore, I achieved my main goals in life. I got a degree, I had a career and I now have a wonderful husband and baby girl. To clarify, your presence made each of these tasks excruciating and painful to bear. It was difficult to get through each one of these achievements, but I did it, all whilst you lingered in the shadows, dragging me down.
I acted irrationally during what should have been the happiest times of my life. I saw situations through a negative lens because of you polluting my thoughts. I genuinely thought I was worthless, inadequate, not good enough to achieve my goals, be a good friend, wife, or mother. You made me believe I was nothing.
You made me spend years soul-searching, lost, lonely, and not knowing which direction to go in. Thankfully, my intuition is on point and I have my angels looking over me! Despite your poison, some higher power was guiding me through life, looking out for me.
I’ve already said goodbye to your ugly, negative vibes and gradually made progress in my recovery over the last few months. This letter is to cement this idea. To finally tell you to go away. You are being replaced with positive thoughts only and if you do creep back in, it won’t be for long. My toolbox of strategies will ensure you are quickly eradicated. Exterminated, gone!
Anxiety, you have been evicted. Banished to a locked box in a dark cave, so you can’t infect anyone else. I will never need you again. Stay locked away and allow me to reach my full potential in life.
Goodbye…
I hope you liked my post…
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this blog post, you can seek support here.
You can also read more about my mental health journey here.
You can read more of my blog posts in the mental health category here…
All right, who made up routines, and why were they imposed upon us?? Relaxing our routine was the best thing I did!
I get that some people need routine and this is fine if it’s what motivates you. I will probably be in need of a routine when I return to work, but for now, it’s time to not be so stringent. It’s time to relax and try a different way. We want to be less stressed as a family and I can change this by making a few adjustments.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Personally, I’ve spent at least 15 years working my backside off, not having enough time to do anything and generally being stressed and anxious most of the time.
It was time for a change! Relaxing our routine was the only way forward.
The science behind routine…
Whilst there are a lot of articles out there discussing the benefits of keeping to a routine, there are also a lot discussing why it doesn’t work for some people. This article discusses the difference between a habit and a routine. Was it the case that I had picked up bad habits during my anxiety-fuelled years?
Regardless of the reason behind relaxing our routine and why it needed to happen, I decided it was time for a change.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Because I was at rock bottom, what did I have to lose by changing the way we do things? Why not throw out our routine completely?
Baby routines
When our little one was a baby, we tried sleep routines, googling techniques, took advice from other parents. Despite this, she’s strong-willed and basically does what she wants!
She also lived her early years through the pandemic. A period of time in which all of our usual routines were turned upside down, taken away, or possibly changed forever. Children are resilient and as much as I worried about what impact the pandemic would have on her, it appeared to have none (I realise some children were impacted by the pandemic and it has greatly affected some people’s mental health).
What prompted me to change things
Relaxing our routine wasn’t easy. We have a hectic schedule, like any other family with a feisty toddler running around. Given our individual circumstances: me off work recovering from a breakdown (the hubby sprained his foot during this time also and had to recover), and our baby girl needing a break from me rushing her out of the door to value a job which ate my soul each day, I made the executive decision to break all family routines.
Routine, it’s time for us to have a break from each other… Maybe when I need you back, we can be friends again…
How relaxing our routine transformed our lives
In this new world of pleasing ourselves, we had a sleep-in when we wanted, I emailed the nursery to let them know we would be slightly late. I felt able to recover, finally, due to prioritising my rest. Who really cares if we do the nursery drop at 9.30 am instead of 8 am – nobody!
Why do we as human beings put so much pressure on ourselves to meet deadlines, run around in stress mode? Do we feel busier and more important because we are so strict with ourselves?
During our hiatus from routine, if I wanted to write on Google docs on my phone in bed late at night, that’s what I did. If I wanted to stay up until 2 am extracting ideas from my head, because this is the time I was the most creative, this is what I did.
The cleaning took a back burner. When I say took a back burner I mean, I went from a clean freak to probably completing the same level of cleaning as other normal people. I was finally one of those people, where if the dishes at the side of the dishwasher piled up, it wasn’t such a bad thing.
Moving forward
Now I’m further down the line in the process of my recovery from a mental breakdown, it might be time to start introducing some basic routines again, but slowly.
And to be honest, I don’t think I will ever adopt such stringent routines as the ones in my old life. They held me back, cut me off from thriving, and were created out of self-limiting beliefs.
In line with carving out a new, healthier path, there needs to be new rules and routines to abide by. After all, I am a different person now.
I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:
It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.
The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.
How the day began
The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.
We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.
This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.
Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.
My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.
I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
The rest of the day
It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.
I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.
The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.
I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.
Winding down from anxiety
The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).
I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.
I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.
For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.
If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.
Was this a setback?
This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.
The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.
We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.
There is hope
I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.
A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.
I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.
I’ve always loved learning. I got excited about my university lectures and even take online courses to this day. I realise some people are not built like this, but I am that type of person. I thrive on learning something new. And my passion for learning certainly helps me become a better blogger.
The same theme runs throughout my life. What can I learn or gain from using this time? This is why I feel like I fit in perfectly in the blogging world.
Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
Before watching a film, I ask myself, will it teach me something, will it be a waste of my life? Yes, I’m that person and the hubby & I spend more time deliberating on which film to watch, rather than actually watching. He finds it incredibly annoying!
The same theme runs throughout my life. What can I learn or gain from using this time? This is why I feel like I fit in perfectly in the blogging world. You can read more about the benefits of learning here.
Making connections with other bloggers
Becoming a better blogger means being part of a community. For those who don’t know, the blogging community is amazing, welcoming, supportive, always willing to help one another. I’m gaining more value than I ever would have at a face-to-face support group. Mainly because I can easily connect with others around the world, not just confined to my local area.
I look forward to interacting with these people on a daily basis. It isn’t hard work to me, it’s learning, growing, and collectively working towards a goal. My goal is to raise awareness of mental health issues and helping parents hopefully avoid the mental struggles I had to endure.
Replying to comments from fellow bloggers not only makes me feel warm inside and confirms I am on the right path in starting the blog, but I also learn something new about myself each time I respond. I wrote the original blog post and it’s unique to me. When replying to comments, I find myself giving away more information, stating something I maybe didn’t realise about myself. It’s a great process.
Here is a list of why soaking up information helps my creative process:
Reading
I am literally that person who used to highlight my books at university. I still have copies of the ones I studied with bookmarks & post it’s all over them. Keeping them and looking back reminds me of how much I learned. To me, the notations, the post-it’s, those beautiful colours, equals new information. This post explains my love of all things stationery.
Who used to buy second-hand books from Amazon? I was particularly excited when one arrived with other people’s notations. My mind would run wild: what could this previous owner teach me? What did they gain from reading this? Is there something I haven’t already thought about myself?
Online courses
Here is a list of the courses I regularly take:
Eventbrite – they have free online workshops and if you miss the actual event, they email you the details so you can soak up the information at a later date
Centre Of Excellence – a range of cheap courses, particularly in areas of self-care and mindfulness
Daily OM – The beauty of their courses is you can choose an amount to pay. This makes learning affordable for you. The courses are also easy to navigate and interesting to work through
Future Learn – a range of courses in a wide range of subjects (some are free)
OpenLearn – this is one I haven’t yet tried, but I have it saved in my favourites. If anyone has done their courses, let me know below
Blogging courses
I am now at the point where I want to take some courses other bloggers have put together, to become a better blogger. It’s true that the best resource really is other bloggers. People who’ve experienced the same problems, worries as you. They are of course best placed to pass on their knowledge.
It will probably be around November time when I start my learning journey. Watch this space as I will be recommending some I have taken myself.
Podcasts
I’d heard of podcasts and during the period of working from home, colleagues told me they listened to them. I always just thought, no I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on two things at once. That is still true. My learning brain needs to pay full attention to the information at hand.
Therefore, I now reserve podcast time for the bath or sitting in the park on a bench. Concentration music is needed when I’m blogging or writing.
Reading other blog posts
We are all unique in our own way and what I love about the blogging community is there is no competition. Bloggers frequently share ideas for post titles, we contribute to each other’s posts, provide ideas, help out, guest post.
This being the case, reading someone else’s view on something can sometimes make you think, yeah I like that subject and this is how I would write about this particular topic. Maybe I know about it and should write about it for others to read.
This aids your own creative process and I genuinely smile when I read other people’s work.
Commenting on other people’s blogs
Whilst I usually let the comments on my blog build up and become a little overwhelmed at having to reply to 30 in one sitting, I honestly love the process whilst I’m doing it.
Replying to comments from fellow bloggers not only makes me feel warm inside and confirms I am on the right path in starting the blog, but I also learn something new about myself each time I respond. I wrote the original blog post and it’s unique to me. When replying to comments, I find myself giving away more information, stating something I maybe didn’t realise about myself. It’s a great process.
One of the goals on my spreadsheet is to collate my comment replies and use them as a basis for another blog post, something useful. Yet to be decided.
Final thoughts
As human beings, we are all learning and evolving constantly. If you’re not actively doing this, you’re static and it isn’t a great place to be in. I feel alive doing what I love each day and intend to keep blogging despite any setbacks I may face.
How are you becoming a better blogger? Or a better version of yourself through learning.
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Welcome along to my first round-up post! It’s a little late, as we are a few days into October, but I still wanted to reflect on the previous month and set my goals for October.
My personal progress
I’ve been through a lot in my personal life over the course of starting the blog and definitely had an interesting journey with my mental health. A lot of bumps in the road. You can read more about my mental health struggles here.
I am proud of how far I’ve come in less than two months and it’s time to acknowledge my first full calendar month of blogging.
How it all began
I released my first blog post on 12 August 2021. Prior to this, there was a lot of research, writing, and quickly learning a lot of technical elements, which isn’t my strong point. I am proud of how far I’ve come in less than two months and it’s time to acknowledge my first full calendar month of blogging.
September 2021 blog posts
It wouldn’t be a round-up post without a look back at last month. I release 7 posts in total, which I am proud of.
l released this post on 2 September 2021 and I loved writing it! It made me excited for everything this spooky season has to offer.
I released this post on 8 September 2021 in the lead-up to our holiday, because I was excited about it. Some context here, about four months ago due to my breakdown, I couldn’t even talk about booking a holiday, let alone become excited. Writing this was a huge step in my recovery.
This post was released on 24 September 2021 and it signified a change in me. Once you reach a certain point in your mental health journey, I feel there is no going back.
This is my first time setting goals! Then a round-up post to follow on the final weekend of the month. Read more here about why goal setting is important.
#Blogtober
I want to smash Blogtober and use this time to start other projects I want to work on. My main goal is to keep up with comments and how fast-paced it is.
Up my game on Pinterest
I have started pinning several different pictures for each blog post and I am hoping this will help.
350 blog views by month end
Based on my current stats this should be achievable.
Twitter
Reach 1500 followers on Twitter.
Instagram
Reach 3500 followers on Instagram and start using reels & stories more.
Affiliate
Get my first affiliate sale. I would be so happy!
Final thoughts
What are your blogging goals for October 2021?
What do you include in your round-up post?
Let me know in the comments below, I would love to hear from you.
The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.
Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
Why am I writing this post?
I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.
However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.
Knowing the signs
Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?
Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.
There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.
Other posts you may like to read in the mental health category
These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:
1. Work pressure
Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
I’ve dealt with work pressure for periods of time in the past, but never for such a prolonged period as during the pandemic.
We had a combination of poor management, a completely disorganised workload, a lack of care and direction about the work we were doing and, all of this whilst working at home through the pandemic. The working from home bit I loved. It suited me and I would personally love a future job role working from home on a permanent basis. It was the lack of communication and never knowing where I stood from one minute to the next that caused me huge amounts of anxiety.
We are going through a redundancy process at the moment. With this comes some toxic patterns and a lack of care from the powers that be, but what I experienced during the period of working from home sent me into full meltdown mode.
Over the year, there were a handful of mornings I was scared to open my laptop. That dreaded feeling of ‘oh no, what emails will be there this morning’. I mean, we all have this feeling sometimes, but this was a frequent thing. Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
One morning an issue arose and emails were sent between departments, insinuating the mistake was mine, I was on the phone with a work colleague and afraid to return to my own house. This is unacceptable and contributed to my breakdown.
2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department
I would regularly see updates from the business and feel like I was reading about a completely different company. Their ethos sounded amazing, a place I would want to work. A place I would definitely feel supported. I, however, did not feel supported.
The reality within our department was a miscommunication to a level I’ve never experienced before. Nobody knew what direction we were going in and it was basically just a mess, where managers were scrambling to keep a hold of what was actually happening.
Several times, I felt like emailing Human Resources and making it clear I wasn’t experiencing the wonderful communications and benefits the company was announcing. But then I thought, what is the point? What will change if I do? I was also scared to speak up, which added to the anxiety I was already experiencing.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
3. No lunches or breaks
Because we were receiving around five emails daily, asking us to reach unachievable targets, this made me feel like I shouldn’t take breaks. I should get on with the job instead. I wanted to do a good job and I’ve always had that mindset as a person.
When your work tasks are completely unachievable and impossible to attain for such a long period of time, this can be soul-destroying. You never have a successful working day and after a while, you feel like a failure. Our targets sometimes changed from email to email, without adequate explanation, like they were made up. When you’re at home, you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, as you usually would do in the office, this made things harder.
Leads me nicely onto the next point…
4. Nobody to talk to
During the pandemic, we all missed face-to-face interaction with our colleagues. Communicating via text message and telephone, sometimes isn’t the same.
It was difficult to receive these emails and have nobody to ask how they felt about it. The point is, we shouldn’t have to ignore crappy emails from managers, but the reality is lots of people do.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
I now realise connections and communication with other human beings are vital for avoiding the negative workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I am already making connections with other bloggers and organisations I would want to work for. This is something that helped me through my breakdown. You can read more about how I recovered here.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was confirmation I wasn’t going crazy.
5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality
There was one manager who didn’t really listen to anyone. You know those people who talk at you and answer their own questions. And you feel like asking why they even bothered to contact you.
Even just this in Itself, makes you feel you’re not valued or listened to.
The direction coming from the top was “get this done yesterday”. I’d been used to this mentality for a few tasks a week and I can live with that. But when this applies to every task you’re working on, it’s too much! No amount of money is worth this stress.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure.
6. An impending doom
I’m quite an intuitive person and somehow I can predict things before they happen. It’s a subtle feeling and I will tell the people closest to me, this will happen today. I’m always 100% sure it will occur. I predicted the national lockdown announcement in the UK, three days before it happened and started preparing our family for it.
Therefore, this was one of the main workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. It was a constant niggling feeling and I just wanted to ask managers to let me know what was so bad and when it would be announced.
Whilst working from home, the daily disorganisation at work gave me a feeling something wasn’t right. I knew bad news would be announced, it was just a matter of when. Shortly after feeling like this, the doctor issued a sick note for workplace stress and anxiety, and the redundancies were announced.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t going crazy.
7. The threat of redundancy
Redundancy is a horrible process for anyone to go through and it can be life-changing, but it impacts someone suffering from mental illness completely differently. I am aware many people are impacted by this, following the pandemic and it makes me sad because I worry about the mental health of those going through the process.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure. Life is hard enough, without this added stress.
If you are impacted these issues
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.
Final thoughts
I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.
My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.
That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.
During my anxiety years and especially during down periods, I told myself I couldn’t go out do things and it was the worse thing I did to myself. A travesty. I cut myself off from happy times, spending time with people I love, enjoying the little things in life, all because I subscribed to black & white thinking and had a script full of self-limiting beliefs constantly running over and over again in my head. And I let it happen…
It’s time to carve out a new healthy path and ditch the old way of thinking. It previously damaged my mental health and I must avoid this ever happening to me again in the future. You can read more about when my mental health struggles began here.
Want to know the secret to living a happy and fulfilled life? Read on…
It was also nice to shop without the little one running around. There is a perception parents shouldn’t leave children out and I feel guilty when I do! But it is so important, we as parents, take time for ourselves. I breathed a sigh of relief in the first charity shop because I had images running through my brain of the little one grabbing every item off the shelves and me telling her off. It was reassuring to know I didn’t have to contend with this today, she was at nursery being entertained instead.
Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
Today, my mum suggested a trip to the charity shops and some breakfast. A simple activity I would usually be inclined to say no to due to lack of money. She kindly treated me to a coffee, sandwich and gave me some spending money, because she knows money is tight for us at the moment. I’ve told her I visit the supermarket and walk around adding up what I’ve spent. My parents know what this feels like to count the pennies and we are so lucky to have them helping us out. Shout out mum & dad if you ever happen to read this!
Our trip and why outings work wonders for your mental health
Because we are still on holiday as a family, I had the family car today, which made the trip easier. I usually travel around by public transport or walk, which I don’t mind. It does me good. We ditched the second car years ago because it wasn’t cost-effective. Today, having a car, was a luxury I am not used to.
Wandering around, without a care in the world, not knowing what time it is, and browsing the shelves, was therapeutic.
It was also nice to shop without the little one running around. There is a perception parents shouldn’t leave children out and I feel guilty when I do! But it is so important, we as parents, take time for ourselves. I breathed a sigh of relief in the first charity shop because I had images running through my brain of the little one grabbing every item off the shelves and me telling her off. It was reassuring to know I didn’t have to contend with this today, she was at nursery being entertained instead.
We had a chat about loads of topics I can’t even recall now, catching up about life and you know what, this time is much more valuable than worrying about money issues. Yes, we all need money to live and you can achieve wellness by managing your money correctly (I don’t want anyone to have the worries I’ve experienced over the last year due to financially overcommitting), but you also have to live life and ensure you get out of the house to do activities that fit within your budget.
There are plenty of free and cheap things you can do and I am passionate about sharing my tips with others. You can read more about how you can have fun on a budget in my blog post here.
My mental breakdown this year has shown me you have to set aside time to spend with family, spend a little money, and enjoy your life. If you take the time to do this, all the other parts will fit into place and surely you will be in a better place to tackle difficult issues you may be going through.
My charity shop haul
Living a happy and fulfilled life means doing something you love! And I love shopping.
As I am so excited and refreshed following my outing this morning, of course, I had to write a blog post about it. I’ve even become one of those bloggers taking pictures of everything (well roping the hubby in with his great phone camera, IT skills, and photoshop knowledge). I am no expert (I will leave the flatlays to a professional website, like Canva), but here is the picture of my haul:
The items I bought and why I loved them
Of course, I had to get the little one some toys and activities to entertain her. We are the stage where we need constant entertainment to reflect the experience she gets at nursery. It’s so much fun, but also hard work.
She loves Peppa Pig and now has a Peppa Pig torch which was £1.25. I know she will be overjoyed when she comes home from nursery today and sees this toy, and the look on her face is well worth £1.25.
I also got her an activity book for 50p. She isn’t yet at the stage where she can work through the activities, but she loves colouring books and drawing all over the pages. She will get endless enjoyment for 50p. Winner!
The Meccano set is parts only and I didn’t realise this in the shop, but for £1.99 I am not going to moan about it and she can do some building. It’s also an excuse for us to add other Meccano parts to her Christmas list.
I got some home decorations to spruce the place up a bit, ahead of my larger autumn purchases (a future blog post will cover the topic of what I purchased!). We needed a fresh bowl of Pot Pourri and it was just sat on the shelf as if it had been waiting for me, because I’ve been talking about it loads this week! £2.00 – bargain!
The little gold pot will be an addition to our rose gold decor (I previously bought the other items from Poundland). It was 40p.
We all need body lotion in our lives and I love seeking it out in charity shops. There are so many unwanted gift sets given away. You get a cheap item, whilst also raising money for charity. Win, win. 50p for this lotion. I can’t wait to try it.
On winter days, I love wearing these headbands. They keep the hair off your face and also cover your ears. I haven’t got a light coloured one, so had to purchase this. £1.99. Can’t go wrong with something so useful.
Books – these were 50p each and I will be adding them to the stack of books I intend to read. I might even do a before and after blog post, to encourage me to read them all. Lack of reading isn’t because I don’t love doing it, it’s getting the time with a toddler who believes every physical item in the house is hers.
Why I’m now happy and fulfilled
I’ve spent years shying away from some activities out of fear, lack of money, or lack of time.
My mental breakdown this year has shown me you have to set aside time to spend with family, spend a little money, and enjoy your life. If you take the time to do this, all the other parts will fit into place and surely you will be in a better place to tackle difficult issues you may be going through. You can read more about how I recovered from my breakdown here.
It would have been easy to say no to going out today, due to money worries, but it’s exactly because of the money worries why I needed to get out of the house, get some fresh air, spend some time not caring about a thing, and having quality mummy daughter time.
The point is, don’t live such a busy life you need to pay money to feel somewhat normal. How about living a more mediocre life and having quality time to spend with family and friends? What’s the point in earning so much money anyway, if you’re always too tired to spend it?
Simplify life
In the past, my mum & I might have visited Village Hotels for a spa day. Whilst we will return at some point, I am now looking for cheaper alternatives to get out of the house and still have fun.
Having fun and finding fulfilling activities is simple, we as human beings tend to overcomplicate it. These are some of the things I used to say to myself when working 12 hour days:
To feel better I need a spa day
I am so stressed from working 12 hour days, I need to treat myself
Work hard, play hard
I deserve it
I am too tried to spend the money I earn
I previously equated living a happy and fulfilled with spending money. This doesn’t always bring you happiness. I would much rather do something free with my loved ones, like sitting in the park.
Don’t get me wrong, if you want to do the above activities and have luxuries in your life, go for it. I will resume cheap spa days when I can afford it again!
The point is, don’t live such a busy life you need to pay money to feel somewhat normal. How about living a more mediocre life and having quality time to spend with family and friends? What’s the point in earning so much money anyway, if you’re always too tired to spend it?
To read more posts on mental health, see the other blogs I’ve written below…
What steps are you taking to live a happy and fulfilled life?
In the future, I want to create a life where quality time with family is balanced with working enough to pay bills and live comfortably. It is clear to me now, the type of job I was doing in the past and the long hours I worked, damaged my mental health. It’s time to prioritise happiness and the big secret is actually that it’s very easy to do, with a mindset change.
Here’s to a happier and more fulfilled life for us all.
What are you doing to balance family time with work-life? Do you think your views have changed since the pandemic?
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Following a setback in my recovery, I wanted to share a piece of writing I did a few weeks ago when I was feeling pretty hopeless.
At present day, I am still not feeling 100%, but I am feeling a lot better than I did when I was first signed off work, four months ago, due to a mental breakdown.
I have come a long way in my recovery, but down moments can make you feel like you’re going backward in the recovery process. This is exactly what happened to me, at the time of recording the below thoughts.
The main message in my post today, is recovery isn’t linear and having down days along the way is no reflection whatsoever on the progress you’ve made up to this point.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Read on for my honest account of a setback in my recovery – written on a down day approx 3.5 months after my breakdown.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy
Diary entry
At the moment, I feel hopeless.
Recovery from a mental health condition isn’t linear. The part of my brain which deals with reality is aware of this fact. But the part of my brain living on another planet, in another realm, tells me I should be healed by now. Why all of a sudden do I feel like this?
I know exactly where these damaging thoughts came from. My conversation with an inexperienced doctor, who basically made me feel like I was lying in order to stay off work, and also asked me why I didn’t just quit my job (they are aware I’m going through a redundancy process at the moment). I left the conversation feeling worse than before it took place and some pretty insensitive things were said to me, at a time when I’m already in a vulnerable state and unable to deal with difficult conversations.
This, coupled with a delayed catch-up with work about how I’m doing. It literally took every ounce of energy I had to make the call and answer questions and they made me feel like I should return to work. I know it’s all part of the process.
Again, my intelligent brain tells me both these people have procedures and questions to tick off, but my anxiety brain is telling me lately, I will have to return to work and nobody will help me, even though I’m clearly not healed yet. Why are people forcing me to do something I don’t want to do? Something I am clearly not ready to do!
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is?
I feel angry, irritable, I am not in a sleeping routine or getting enough sleep and I am still unable to complete life tasks, like managing money, organising things, or concentrating for too long. How can I do my job when I am feeling this way?
I felt like this when I first left work due to my breakdown, and I feel like this again now. I’ve gone backward and the way I am feeling right now makes me ask myself whether I will ever be fully healed.
What does the new me look like? What does the future hold? It is uncertain right now. I just feel hopeless.
Up to now, I’ve done quite well in managing the ups and downs of depression. I’ve tried to remain positive and not let my anxiety brain take over, but it’s creeping back in.
I don’t feel happy, I feel like something is wrong with me. I wonder whether it’s all my fault. What did I do in the past to cause my brain to malfunction? What happened to me? How have I got to this point in my life?
In summary, because I am feeling this way, I think it’s now time to speak to a counselor or therapist. You can find details of therapists local to you here. This page also provides details of the support offered by Mind. Heads Together list charities they work with who offer support here.
Writing honestly about mental health for my blog naturally throws up a lot of feelings and I don’t think I know how to process them properly, without help. I will ask the doctor for some details and seek help.
I am also conscious leaving the former me behind is also part of a grieving process, mourning the old life I had. I will never be the person I was before: career-driven, highly motivated, willing to work all hours of the day, put up with bad management, or a toxic work environment.
This process has taught me too much about the damage that person causes herself. I have a toddler now, things have changed and I have to adjust my priorities to fit my current life circumstances.
When the redundancy process is finalised and this hell ends, it’s time to find a job I enjoy doing, where I’m helping people and balancing family life at the same time.
I would love to work from home on a permanent basis and be close to my family, in the event of emergencies or childcare issues. I will be actively looking for a supportive employer, a company that values mental wellbeing and family time. Up to now, I’ve been thinking about what I want moving forward and trying to manifest these things. At this moment in time, I am unable to be that positive person.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Right now, the reality I am living in every day couldn’t be further from how I actually feel inside. It’s like I know everything happening to me is part of the process, but I feel the complete opposite to how people are telling me I should feel at this point.
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is? If you’ve had a setback in your recovery, there are details of charities that can help you below.
If you need help with a mental health related issue
Country Living writes a great article on various mental health charities helping people in the UK.
If you don’t feel like talking (I couldn’t communicate with anyone following my breakdown), you can use the shout text service.
There are also some further contact details for mental health charities on my if you need help page.
How do I feel at present day?
A few weeks down the line, I now accept I am ready to move on to the next stage of recovery. This will involve a phased return at work, possible adjustments to my working pattern to avoid this happening again to me in the future, and planning for my next career move, whilst awaiting much-needed redundancy updates.
In the meantime, I have apps, details for therapists, and books I need to read to aid my recovery. I will also continue to blog, as this is helping me process feelings.
Final thoughts
Every individual is different. I now realise a setback in my recovery isn’t as bad as my mind tells me it is. We all have triggers and our experiences and brain chemistry decide how we react to certain situations.
The way I was feeling when I wrote this diary entry, I was genuinely convinced I would never gain control of my life or have another good day in the future. But anxiety and depression lie to you.
I understand through experience what it means when someone says “recovery isn’t linear”. It means you will have days or weeks like this. Maybe it’s a natural thing that happens when you start to work through your emotions and understand what led you to this point.
My hope is anyone reading this, who is impacted by these issues, will realise better days came for me. And there is hope.
I am by no means healed, but I am on a journey of self-discovery and hopeful I can create a better future than the one I chose to live in previously.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy.
Grab a cup of tea and read more blogs in the mental health category below
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