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I hope this post will allow you to get to know me better.
Because I struggle with control issues, due to my anxiety, I’ve realised my love of baking is possibly about a total loss of control: causing mess, chaos and the final outcome is always uncertain!
Maybe I just need some time to completely switch off and let go. I think my mind is glad of the rest. I enjoy the process and get seriously creative with ingredients and decoration.
In my real life I like everything in order, lists are my best friend. But when I bake, I don’t stick to recipes, I’ve tried many vegan alternatives in the past.
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I just love experimenting.
I firstly need to explain I believe I’ve Inherited this talent. About 5 years ago I gave it a try and was strangely amazing at baking. Even down to the small details. I would randomly know when my items were baked without setting a timer, and self-taught decoration tips very quickly, using YouTube videos.
It’s time for me to tell you all about my baking journey…
I firstly need to explain I believe I’ve Inherited this talent. About 5 years ago I gave it a try and was strangely amazing at baking. Even down to the small details. I would randomly know when my items were baked without setting a timer, and self-taught decoration tips very quickly, using YouTube videos.
For years I was on a mission to practice my skills by baking for every occasion I could. The only problem with baking as a hobby, or attempting to turn it into more, is you need a lot of time. Which I don’t usually have!
There is also a lot of debate about whether turning a hobby into a full-time job is beneficial, or whether you would take the joy you experience away from it. I find baking therapeutic, but would I still find it therapeutic if it was my main source of income? Here at some tips, if you feel like becoming a pro-baker. I decided a while ago, it’s something I want to do for fun.
Someone say The Great British Bake Off??
There was talk of me applying for GBBO at one point and I actually read through the application and almost started practicing. Imagine that! Maybe one day.
I’ve even experimented with ingredients and the science behind a baked product. I don’t need weighing scales and I’ve substituted a lot of components to focus on healthy baking or using cheaper ingredients.
Why I stopped baking
It’s difficult to gauge exactly when and why I stopped baking. I previously booked annual leave from work to make amazing creations for family members’ special occasions. Maybe it was my all-or-nothing mindset, telling me if I couldn’t make something fantastic there was no point.
Then life got in the way. The lead-up to my recent breakdown meant I struggled to find time to do anything enjoyable in life. I listened to my anxiety brain and told myself there was no time for baking or anything else I enjoyed in life for that matter. I’ve said goodbye to the negative thoughts now and you can read more about that here.
Has the baking spark come back?
Since my breakdown, I’ve made an effort to bake, in order to restore some part of my sanity, which was lost in this whole sorry mess.
It made me feel whole again and took my mind off the severe anxiety I was experiencing. I enjoyed giving out the baked goods and sending them to family and friends. This was one of the main motivations for baking in the first place. You can check out the other techniques I used to recover from my breakdown here.
Who made the cakes during my hiatus?
During my hiatus from baking, there were times I needed baked goods for special occasions but just couldn’t bring myself to be the baker of these items. The thought of it made me stressed, instead of excited.
For these times, I enlisted the help of online sellers. I ordered a tray of brownies for my partner’s 30th birthday and put them on a very expensive cake stand. This is his fave dessert so they went down a treat! I think they were all gone within an hour. Lesson learned. Next time I will hide the baked goods until later in the party. I think he managed to squirrel some away before the party-goers descended. He isn’t the sharing desserts type, haha!
Where should I seek out these brownie sellers, you ask?
For those times you’re just not feeling creative, need something as a gift or treat for a friend, or just want a Saturday night in and a box of brownies (no judgment here), look no further….
Today I need to tell you about Bake Me A Gift. They are offering 10% off your first order, using code: AF2110. Valid until: 31st Dec 2021.
Grab your brownies here and make someone happy this Christmas!
For the times I simply can’t be bothered to bake, or I’ve got my fill of self-care elsewhere, online brownies will be my only option.
Final thoughts
Are you a bake-off potential candidate or maybe never baked anything before? I would love to hear your stories in the comments below…
When it comes to financial worries, I’d never had to worry until recently. I’d always considered myself financially savvy. I spent my career in the Finance industry and was always up to date with my knowledge of the financial world. Therefore managing our household finances was always something that came top of my priority list.
I’m also quite an organised person. I enjoyed taking control of our finances and seeing the results when we paid into our savings account and made overpayments on loans and credit cards. Doing this gives you a good feeling.
It’s easy managing money when you’re single, have a fantastic career, or are a couple living it up and enjoying life. We went on holidays to Mexico, and regular weekends away, for cocktails and shopping and never really worried about money.
On a serious note, the fact we were over-committed for at least a year, made me feel personally like a failure. I would dread letters coming through the post, saying bills hadn’t been paid. I would long for the day when we had a little more money each month and I could finally pay people back and take some control of the finances again.
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Things changed when we had a child. There was less money to go around and this created problems. It isn’t having a child that costs more money, it’s the upheaval and adjustment period that bit us in the backside.
On a serious note, the fact we were over-committed for at least a year, made me feel personally like a failure. I would dread letters coming through the post, saying bills hadn’t been paid. I would long for the day when we had a little more money each month and I could finally pay people back and take some control of the finances again.
Why financial worries impact mental health
Mind.org have a great diagram which explains the vicious cycle. You worry about money, which results in poor mental health and vice versa. This article also provides useful information on the topic. Having lived through it, I can say it’s completely correct.
I never imagined, following a breakdown from workplace stress, that I would struggle to manage money. But I struggled to do anything when I was first off work. I will talk more about the impact of anxiety in this post. One of my last anxiety-filled days was caused as a result of money worries.
It’s a lot more admin when automatic payments are not made due to lack of money and you have to start contacting individual companies to agree when payment will be made. This extra admin didn’t help my mental health at all. I can see why people refer to companies like StepChange to act on their behalf. Speaking to 10 individual companies becomes too much.
These are the things I wish I’d done in hindsight
I saved money during my pregnancy and six months full pay period
Planning for maternity leave would have alleviated some financial worries. We didn’t save in advance and as you can imagine, we struggled from months 6 to 9 of maternity leave, on less than a third of my total wage. We still had the same bills to pay though. Luckily, our family helped us out with these payments. However, it made the whole experience of still being off work a bit grim and less enjoyable than it should have been.
Saved towards nursery costs
The nursery wanted a deposit payment upfront and we secured the place before our little one was born (we all know about competition for nursery places!).
The monthly costs involved with childcare are high in the UK and we were only sending her two days a week initially. To ensure we didn’t have financial worries about this monthly cost, I wish we had saved some money to add to the childcare account to make advance payments or act as a buffer for months when we struggled to meet the full payment.
You don’t need financial worries about the nursery when you already have the stress of arranging childcare, worrying about sick days and who can cover them, or whether they have the right coat to play out in. There is enough to think about!
Refrained from using credit cards
The credit card balances were relatively under control before my maternity leave.
During this period, we kept living as we had before, but in fact, we now have other costs to consider (baby milk, baby clothes, the latest gadgets etc). This additional pressure caused us financial worries over some time, as the credit card balances increased, along with the interest and we still had the same level of money coming in.
Given my post-pregnancy mental health struggles, it felt good to get out of the house, have a nice lunch, a few drinks at the weekend and spend money. This wasn’t a great path to go down and in hindsight. If we have another child, I will find cost-effective ways of connecting with other people during maternity leave.
At the time, I wasn’t in a great headspace to connect and share my experiences with others. I am now.
Live and learn!
Accepted the situation sooner
Due to my poor mental health post-pregnancy, I used a lot of avoidance techniques. Alcohol mainly! And kind of ignoring some of my responsibilities. One of the factors was money management. I was living in the moment and trying to heal myself.
What I’ve learned is, that planning for the future is great in some areas, like finances. Had we planned, some of the anxiety caused by financial worries could have been avoided.
Planned for a rainy day
I bet we’ve all used this phrase many times but never thought it would signify a pandemic was looming. Several UK lockdowns worry about job security and a toilet roll shortage.
I am aware some people experienced all manner of hardships during the lockdown and I feel grateful we kept our jobs throughout. On top of this, there were those unexpected family losses and people having to find money to pay for things they never dreamed they would need to, such as funeral costs and Bronze Grave Markers, which impacted so many people when the country was already struggling.
Uncertain times
We did have our ups and downs though. Nursery closing, isolation periods, working from home and getting pinged on the app, all of which impacted our finances in some way and generally made us feel completely out of control. We didn’t know what was coming next. Honestly, you never know what will happen. One day, things are going well, and the next day, you’re unexpectedly having to make funeral plans and pay for the death of a loved one. You never know what might happen.
Suddenly, we had to plan for the next time my hubby would be off work for a week isolating, or the nursery would get a COVID case and close. All of these factors impacted our income and caused financial worries.
Final thoughts
Ultimately, overcommitting has led to huge anxiety issues over finances. I am the organised one and therefore I take control of the family finances. During this period of difficulty, I would find myself constantly doing all of the below:
Checking my banking app daily, or even hourly
Worrying about asking to borrow money from family and felt like I was a failure for doing so
Felt inadequate, like I was incapable of managing our family’s money
Lack of security – how would we pay bills, manage to buy food
Interestingly, the Money & Pensions Service released this article about people being ashamed to talk about money. I do think there needs to be financial education introduced in schools because it isn’t always something you learn growing up. This might just be because your family members are private people, but how do you then know as an adult how to manage money.
If you are struggling financially
Please talk to someone if you’re able to. I have done this recently and it has eased some financial pressure. I now feel more in control of our finances.
Here are some charities that can help if you’re struggling:
The post is full of honesty. I feel like it’s time to be brutally honest about my mental health struggles…
Just imagine for a second, years of being ruled by fear. The reality is most of the people close to me are unaware of the extent to which fear previously ruled my life. I hid it well.
Then my mental breakdown happened. A final meltdown, shutdown. I was in hysterics talking gibberish to my hubby on the phone. It felt like someone had switched me off to reboot the system. However, they couldn’t get me up and running again.
It would be months before I was anything like the former person I was. Throughout the recovery process, I realised I didn’t want to be the same person ever again. I needed a new improved version of myself. Someone who wanted to prioritise mental health, above all other things in life.
And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.
To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.
Years of being ruled by fear meant I was a shell of my former self. I was the organiser in the family, now I couldn’t stand to hear about the holidays we had planned. I previously managed money in the house. I was now ignoring letters and phone calls about our financial difficulties. I’d succeeded in my current career for 10 years and worked since I was 15 years old. I was shaking at the thought of opening my work laptop.
My breakdown was literally an adverse reaction to everything I’d ever known in the past.
I’m on the road to recovery now, but in order to understand what catastrophe took place on this average workday, we need to first go back in time to where I believe the decline in my mental health began.
Triggers
Being ruled by fear began when I was 18 years old. arguing with my dad. The feelings of anxiety related to this incident triggered something in me. A knot in my stomach, a dislike of arguing. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I actually asked my mum at the time whether my dad hated me. That’s how I felt. Why would this person so close to me be shouting at me otherwise? And so it began. My brain turning everyday life situations into the worst thing in the world.
I have a constant ‘it’s the end of the world’ complex. This makes it incredibly difficult to look at the positives aspects of life. I have to work so hard each day and force myself to think positively. My default setting is the worst-case scenario. There is no in-between.
Therapy
Throughout the years, I’ve tried numerous different forms of therapy and I must say, all have worked for that period in time. At this point in my life, I need an overall reset. To look at the bigger picture and put tools in place to avoid depression moving forward.
It was an EFT therapist who discovered this argument between my dad & me. It seemed to be the beginning of my decline in mental health. This was only discovered after several sessions and money spent on private therapy. It came as a shock to me this was a catalyst for the grim future I had in front of me. Living under the grip of toxic anxiety.
To clarify, I believe this family arguing was the beginning of me having an abnormal reaction to a normal situation. I believe to this day, my anxiety issues are related to brain chemistry and my personality. Not outside factors or the behaviour of others.
Parents argue with children, especially teenagers, but my brain filters a normal, everyday situation and transforms it into something different.
If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.
Delving deeper into the trigger
When looking back over my years of living in constant fear, despite what the EFT therapist discovered, I genuinely don’t think this was the factor that exasperated my condition.
Arguing with anyone was an uncomfortable situation that led to other uncomfortable situations in life, because of the way I reacted to those scenarios. And the destructive activities I was partaking in to quiet the negative voice in my head didn’t help things.
Self-medicating
Fast forward to my early 20’s. I was out clubbing, with people I didn’t really class as friends, taking recreational drugs for the first time. Obviously, I had a blast (or thought I did!) and clearly switched off the doubting, self-critical, toxic voice in my head for a while – what wasn’t to love?
I spent those partying days, outwardly having the best time of my life, but inside I was always accountable to my instincts. They told me this was wrong, unethical, not what I should be doing. I am a homely person who prefers a glass of wine on the sofa, with a blanket, reading a book. Partying and lack of sleep just wasn’t me at all. I was living a lie!
You can see how I ended up in a dead-end relationship with a narcissist for 7 years of my life, who was also the one who facilitated the partying, encouraged this destructive behaviour and I think was incapable of valuing anyone, even himself. Deep down, I knew I was in the wrong situation in life, but kept plodding along, mainly due to fear and lack of confidence. Who else would want me? What if I was walking away from the wrong person? In hindsight, I was so dependent on this person for adding value to my life, it would take a lot of energy I just didn’t have to walk away.
For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!
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Why did it take so long to walk away from the destruction?
Due to years spent living in constant fear, it meant this became a way of life. You cannot change your behaviour overnight. Several pretty shocking events happened as a result of my destructive behaviour and one day I may talk about them. There are rebellious youngsters who make mistakes, but I would say some of the situations I put myself in were crossing a line. I learned my lesson and I am lucky to have the life I lead today. However, I probably would take back some of the things I did whilst my mind was altered.
But we live and learn. As human beings, we make mistakes and some people believe this makes you stronger.
Did I hide it well?
My anxiety issues were obvious to me at, living in my own head. But my mum’s own recent admission, that she including everyone else would “never have known” it was this bad, made me think I need an Oscar. But did I hide it well?
I did many abnormal things over the years, but they were clearly normal reactions to my circumstances and the situations I was putting myself in. I once broke down in front of a manager at work and was unable to talk for ages, after a fallout with the toxic boyfriend. This was just one of the out-of-control situations I put myself in.
To this day, I think people just conclude I’m a difficult person to be around. If I had one wish it would be to let the people closest to me have a glimpse inside my head for two minutes. I don’t expect anyone to understand fully what living in fear for so long does to you, but understanding the severity of my anxiety issues, to some extent has already helped our family relationships.
The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.
Isn’t this how everyone feels?
When you suffer from severe anxiety for so long, it becomes the norm. For years I genuinely believed everyone felt like this and it was a shock to me when I discovered everyone didn’t.
For years I’ve believed my family disliked me, disapproved of me, people were talking about me, spying on me, there is a conspiracy. For no other reason than a voice in my head told me this over again, until it became my reality. My family is the complete opposite of the picture I’ve described above. They are loving, supportive and I see them several times a week. How ironic, you have the most loving supportive family, but you believe otherwise!
When you are being ruled by fear, your thoughts tell you something completely different from reality. You can see why it can eventually result in a complete mental breakdown.
Thoughts are just thoughts
Part of me knows my thoughts are just that, thoughts. But it doesn’t help to tell myself this when I’m in the midst of a panic attack or bout of depression. Something which isn’t me takes over, another, darker side. I become the opposite of my personality. A shadow of the person I am. A weakened, frightened person.
During my recovery, the most ridiculous thing I’ve dealt with is openly not regretting a single second of my anxious past. It sounds silly to say you would torture yourself in your own head for 15 years until you literally break into a million pieces and have to put yourself back together again. Camber out of the dark, dingy pit you were in and slowly learn to function again. Why would someone want to do that to themselves? The answer – because I wouldn’t be where I am today, hopefully helping other people.
I figure it’s pointless going over the past, regretting the opportunities I didn’t take, and better spending time focusing on the future and being thankful for the lessons I’ve learned.
The person I am today is a great mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, work colleague, writer, blogger, content creator, and mental health advocate. My failures struggles and regrets made me the person I am today. Including the anxiety voice, I still carry around with me.
Because of my struggles over the last few years, I am confident in using all the labels above to describe myself. I am seeking opportunities that align with my personality and purpose in life. I am determined to carve out a path to a great work-life balance. I am me again. Whoever I was supposed to be before my brain started turning on me all those years ago.
During my recovery process, I’ve had a hard time deciding where my personality ends and anxiety starts. But maybe the anxiety is a symptom of my personality. My personality traits involve being driven and determined. I guess this can easily lead to me putting pressure on myself to get things done. I’m highly creative, so I face burnout trying to record all the thoughts whizzing round in my head.
The person I was in the past shortchanged herself, undervalued her worth and it’s time for that to stop.
I have a new tool…
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I am in the process of putting tools in place for managing my anxiety.
You can find details below of another tool I will be using. I am recommending it because I think it can also help other people.
World Mental Health Day offer
#AD #GIFTED
I am excited to share with you a free 21-day membership offer for The Anti-Burnout Club app.
The offer is valid for 24 hours from today. Please visit this dedicated page to sign up.
The Anti-Burnout Club is giving everyone free access until the end of October, to help make self-care more accessible.
Final thoughts
I hope you liked my post. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
I originally wrote this open letter to my anxiety post with a guest post opportunity in mind. But, instead, I decided to share it in the lead up to World Mental Health Day 2021
I am finally telling the negative voice in my head it doesn’t rule my thoughts and it has to go…
Anxiety,
I am writing to you, but not as a dear friend. Instead, as a goodbye! Yes, you will remain in healthy amounts and you will be managed when you become unruly.
But you will never again destroy my life as you have done for so many years. You’ve taken up rent-free space in my brain for too long now. Making me believe your negative jibes.
You made me pretend I was just a difficult person, that you were part of my personality, I was highly strung and you made me lie to the people closest to me to cover up our toxic partnership. I suffered in silence and my family never understood my erratic behaviour, until now. Honesty has made your existence worth nothing. You have no hold over me now. I am taking control of my mind. It’s mine, not yours.
I cut friends out of my life, partly due to the fears you poured into my head. I might have outgrown these friends anyway, but we will never know now.
Being in a better place mentally is wonderful and I finally feel free. On the other hand, it brings with it hindsight and looking over past decisions I’ve made. Your hold over me tarnished my life and stopped me from achieving some goals. Again, maybe these achievements were meant for me and maybe they were not.
Luckily, I am a strong-minded person. Therefore, I achieved my main goals in life. I got a degree, I had a career and I now have a wonderful husband and baby girl. To clarify, your presence made each of these tasks excruciating and painful to bear. It was difficult to get through each one of these achievements, but I did it, all whilst you lingered in the shadows, dragging me down.
I acted irrationally during what should have been the happiest times of my life. I saw situations through a negative lens because of you polluting my thoughts. I genuinely thought I was worthless, inadequate, not good enough to achieve my goals, be a good friend, wife, or mother. You made me believe I was nothing.
You made me spend years soul-searching, lost, lonely, and not knowing which direction to go in. Thankfully, my intuition is on point and I have my angels looking over me! Despite your poison, some higher power was guiding me through life, looking out for me.
I’ve already said goodbye to your ugly, negative vibes and gradually made progress in my recovery over the last few months. This letter is to cement this idea. To finally tell you to go away. You are being replaced with positive thoughts only and if you do creep back in, it won’t be for long. My toolbox of strategies will ensure you are quickly eradicated. Exterminated, gone!
Anxiety, you have been evicted. Banished to a locked box in a dark cave, so you can’t infect anyone else. I will never need you again. Stay locked away and allow me to reach my full potential in life.
Goodbye…
I hope you liked my post…
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this blog post, you can seek support here.
You can also read more about my mental health journey here.
You can read more of my blog posts in the mental health category here…
All right, who made up routines, and why were they imposed upon us?? Relaxing our routine was the best thing I did!
I get that some people need routine and this is fine if it’s what motivates you. I will probably be in need of a routine when I return to work, but for now, it’s time to not be so stringent. It’s time to relax and try a different way. We want to be less stressed as a family and I can change this by making a few adjustments.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Personally, I’ve spent at least 15 years working my backside off, not having enough time to do anything and generally being stressed and anxious most of the time.
It was time for a change! Relaxing our routine was the only way forward.
The science behind routine…
Whilst there are a lot of articles out there discussing the benefits of keeping to a routine, there are also a lot discussing why it doesn’t work for some people. This article discusses the difference between a habit and a routine. Was it the case that I had picked up bad habits during my anxiety-fuelled years?
Regardless of the reason behind relaxing our routine and why it needed to happen, I decided it was time for a change.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Because I was at rock bottom, what did I have to lose by changing the way we do things? Why not throw out our routine completely?
Baby routines
When our little one was a baby, we tried sleep routines, googling techniques, took advice from other parents. Despite this, she’s strong-willed and basically does what she wants!
She also lived her early years through the pandemic. A period of time in which all of our usual routines were turned upside down, taken away, or possibly changed forever. Children are resilient and as much as I worried about what impact the pandemic would have on her, it appeared to have none (I realise some children were impacted by the pandemic and it has greatly affected some people’s mental health).
What prompted me to change things
Relaxing our routine wasn’t easy. We have a hectic schedule, like any other family with a feisty toddler running around. Given our individual circumstances: me off work recovering from a breakdown (the hubby sprained his foot during this time also and had to recover), and our baby girl needing a break from me rushing her out of the door to value a job which ate my soul each day, I made the executive decision to break all family routines.
Routine, it’s time for us to have a break from each other… Maybe when I need you back, we can be friends again…
How relaxing our routine transformed our lives
In this new world of pleasing ourselves, we had a sleep-in when we wanted, I emailed the nursery to let them know we would be slightly late. I felt able to recover, finally, due to prioritising my rest. Who really cares if we do the nursery drop at 9.30 am instead of 8 am – nobody!
Why do we as human beings put so much pressure on ourselves to meet deadlines, run around in stress mode? Do we feel busier and more important because we are so strict with ourselves?
During our hiatus from routine, if I wanted to write on Google docs on my phone in bed late at night, that’s what I did. If I wanted to stay up until 2 am extracting ideas from my head, because this is the time I was the most creative, this is what I did.
The cleaning took a back burner. When I say took a back burner I mean, I went from a clean freak to probably completing the same level of cleaning as other normal people. I was finally one of those people, where if the dishes at the side of the dishwasher piled up, it wasn’t such a bad thing.
Moving forward
Now I’m further down the line in the process of my recovery from a mental breakdown, it might be time to start introducing some basic routines again, but slowly.
And to be honest, I don’t think I will ever adopt such stringent routines as the ones in my old life. They held me back, cut me off from thriving, and were created out of self-limiting beliefs.
In line with carving out a new, healthier path, there needs to be new rules and routines to abide by. After all, I am a different person now.
Why I’m exploring tools to help prevent seasonal affective disorder
It’s a proven fact our mental health can naturally suffer during the colder months of the year. There is a condition called seasonal affective disorder (SAD). You can find an explanation on Mind.org.
The website lists the following symptoms:
lack of energy
finding it hard to concentrate
not wanting to see people
sleep problems, such as sleeping more or less than usual, difficulty waking up, or difficulty falling or staying asleep
feeling sad, low, tearful, guilty or hopeless
changes in your appetite, for example feeling more hungry or wanting more snacks
being more prone to physical health problems, such as colds, infections or other illnesses
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Due to lack of sunlight, or the ability to do as much exercise, our mental health can be negatively impacted. With the darker nights setting in, it isn’t as easy to go for an evening walk. We take it for granted in summer. We can come home from work, eat, have some downtime and also still then go outside. We don’t have this luxury in the UK from September onwards.
Preventing seasonal affective disorder isn’t easy. If like me, you already struggle with your mental health, it can be difficult to manage physical changes which may add to this burden. Some of the tools I use to manage my anxiety, like exercise and sitting on a bench in the park, may not be as readily available from now on. Sitting on a park bench is the last thing I want to do when it’s cold and raining sideways in the UK. It, therefore, becomes harder to stick to the routine I’ve previously built to keep my mind from getting carried away with itself.
The reality of cold months in the UK
I’ve personally suffered from down periods during the winter months in the past. Given the impact of the pandemic, I looked into buying a SAD lamp towards the back end of 2020. I know now, my mental health was already suffering due to work pressures and the impact the pandemic had on everyone’s mental health.
This year I need to be conscious I am only just returning to work around the time the darker nights start to set in and therefore I need to up my game in terms of self-care and preventative measures. It’s a catch 22 situation for me because I am looking forward to the autumn season, as explained in this post, but I am aware it could also negatively impact my mental health.
What does the research say?
When the autumn months arrive, we tend to want to stay indoors due to the cold weather. When you look outside and it’s cold and raining, all you want to do is get wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa. You’re happy when someone suggests coming to your house for a cup of tea rather than going out somewhere.
I’m a homebody and love being at home, but too much indoor activity isn’t good for my mental health either. Therefore, it’s a fine line and I may have to push myself to take a walk in the rain this year. I need to focus on the mental health benefits this could bring, rather than the physical comfort of being at home.
Here’s the research on the factors which cause poor mental health…
“The main theory is that a lack of sunlight might stop a part of the brain called the hypothalamus working properly, which may affect the:
production of melatonin – melatonin is a hormone that makes you feel sleepy; in people with SAD, the body may produce it in higher than normal levels
production of serotonin – serotonin is a hormone that affects your mood, appetite and sleep; a lack of sunlight may lead to lower serotonin levels, which is linked to feelings of depression
body’s internal clock (circadian rhythm) – your body uses sunlight to time various important functions, such as when you wake up, so lower light levels during the winter may disrupt your body clock and lead to symptoms of SAD”
There is also some research relating to lack of Vitamin D, which we naturally produce when exposed to sunlight:
“Deficits in vitamin D may exacerbate these problems because vitamin D is believed to promote serotonin activity. Inaddition to vitamin D consumed with diet, the body produces vitamin D when exposed to sunlight on the skin. With less daylight in the winter, people with SAD may have lower vitamin D levels, which may further hinder serotonin activity.”
This Insider article explains more on the impact of lack of vitamin D during the winter months.
Tools I will be using this autumn/winter season
SAD lamp
Given my poor mental health across the majority of 2021, I think it’s time to invest in a SAD lamp and have it on my desk whilst I work. I need to act quickly and have measures in place to help if I’m unable to go outside for natural fresh air and sunlight.
Here are some I’ve found and I’m thinking of purchasing one:
If anyone has recommendations for these lamps, let me know in the comments below.
Vitamin D supplements
I will be taking a separate vitamin D supplement, starting in the next few weeks.
Calcium
The research also says taking a calcium supplement can help the vitamin D absorb in the body.
Less alcohol
One of the articles above mentions liver and kidney function impacting vitamin D absorption in the body. In order to feel well, I will aim to drink less alcohol and stay hydrated.
I know this comes at a time when people tend to drink more alcohol in the lead-up to the festive season. However, I need to be aware of the overall benefits of not getting sucked into this. Here are some amazing alcohol alternatives. I bought a few of these whilst I was pregnant. You still feel like you’re joining in, but don’t have the rubbish effects of alcohol on your body. I particularly suffer from IBS attacks when I drink a lot of alcohol and I become dehydrated easily.
Eat well
It’s tempting during the winter months to eat carbs or junk food. I think sometimes we subconsciously do this to feed an emotional void rather than physically feeding our bodies.
I will continue meal planning and shopping wisely with a view to no food waste, ensuring I eat healthily (you will hear more on my meal planning in future blog posts).
Final thoughts
If you’re impacted by any of the symptoms listed above, you can find details of mental health charities here.
Let me know your story if you have been impacted in the past and the measures you’re taking to get ready for the upcoming colder season.
The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.
Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
Why am I writing this post?
I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.
However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.
Knowing the signs
Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?
Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.
There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.
Other posts you may like to read in the mental health category
These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:
1. Work pressure
Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
I’ve dealt with work pressure for periods of time in the past, but never for such a prolonged period as during the pandemic.
We had a combination of poor management, a completely disorganised workload, a lack of care and direction about the work we were doing and, all of this whilst working at home through the pandemic. The working from home bit I loved. It suited me and I would personally love a future job role working from home on a permanent basis. It was the lack of communication and never knowing where I stood from one minute to the next that caused me huge amounts of anxiety.
We are going through a redundancy process at the moment. With this comes some toxic patterns and a lack of care from the powers that be, but what I experienced during the period of working from home sent me into full meltdown mode.
Over the year, there were a handful of mornings I was scared to open my laptop. That dreaded feeling of ‘oh no, what emails will be there this morning’. I mean, we all have this feeling sometimes, but this was a frequent thing. Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
One morning an issue arose and emails were sent between departments, insinuating the mistake was mine, I was on the phone with a work colleague and afraid to return to my own house. This is unacceptable and contributed to my breakdown.
2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department
I would regularly see updates from the business and feel like I was reading about a completely different company. Their ethos sounded amazing, a place I would want to work. A place I would definitely feel supported. I, however, did not feel supported.
The reality within our department was a miscommunication to a level I’ve never experienced before. Nobody knew what direction we were going in and it was basically just a mess, where managers were scrambling to keep a hold of what was actually happening.
Several times, I felt like emailing Human Resources and making it clear I wasn’t experiencing the wonderful communications and benefits the company was announcing. But then I thought, what is the point? What will change if I do? I was also scared to speak up, which added to the anxiety I was already experiencing.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
3. No lunches or breaks
Because we were receiving around five emails daily, asking us to reach unachievable targets, this made me feel like I shouldn’t take breaks. I should get on with the job instead. I wanted to do a good job and I’ve always had that mindset as a person.
When your work tasks are completely unachievable and impossible to attain for such a long period of time, this can be soul-destroying. You never have a successful working day and after a while, you feel like a failure. Our targets sometimes changed from email to email, without adequate explanation, like they were made up. When you’re at home, you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, as you usually would do in the office, this made things harder.
Leads me nicely onto the next point…
4. Nobody to talk to
During the pandemic, we all missed face-to-face interaction with our colleagues. Communicating via text message and telephone, sometimes isn’t the same.
It was difficult to receive these emails and have nobody to ask how they felt about it. The point is, we shouldn’t have to ignore crappy emails from managers, but the reality is lots of people do.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
I now realise connections and communication with other human beings are vital for avoiding the negative workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I am already making connections with other bloggers and organisations I would want to work for. This is something that helped me through my breakdown. You can read more about how I recovered here.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was confirmation I wasn’t going crazy.
5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality
There was one manager who didn’t really listen to anyone. You know those people who talk at you and answer their own questions. And you feel like asking why they even bothered to contact you.
Even just this in Itself, makes you feel you’re not valued or listened to.
The direction coming from the top was “get this done yesterday”. I’d been used to this mentality for a few tasks a week and I can live with that. But when this applies to every task you’re working on, it’s too much! No amount of money is worth this stress.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure.
6. An impending doom
I’m quite an intuitive person and somehow I can predict things before they happen. It’s a subtle feeling and I will tell the people closest to me, this will happen today. I’m always 100% sure it will occur. I predicted the national lockdown announcement in the UK, three days before it happened and started preparing our family for it.
Therefore, this was one of the main workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. It was a constant niggling feeling and I just wanted to ask managers to let me know what was so bad and when it would be announced.
Whilst working from home, the daily disorganisation at work gave me a feeling something wasn’t right. I knew bad news would be announced, it was just a matter of when. Shortly after feeling like this, the doctor issued a sick note for workplace stress and anxiety, and the redundancies were announced.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t going crazy.
7. The threat of redundancy
Redundancy is a horrible process for anyone to go through and it can be life-changing, but it impacts someone suffering from mental illness completely differently. I am aware many people are impacted by this, following the pandemic and it makes me sad because I worry about the mental health of those going through the process.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure. Life is hard enough, without this added stress.
If you are impacted these issues
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.
Final thoughts
I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.
My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.
That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.
This time of the year is so magical & this means an autumn bucket list is in order – cold weather setting in, Halloween fun, the lead-up to Christmas, and all the other wonderful things I discuss in this blog post.
We started visiting pumpkin patches a few years ago, but up to then I’d never really bothered much with autumn-themed activities, other than celebrating Halloween.
Quick note: Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you
Being part of the blogging world increases my excitement about all things autumn. September, when we start counting down the days until the colder mornings, buying Halloween costumes, putting up autumn decorations, planning where we will spend Halloween, what firework displays we will visit, bonfire night, and then Christmas planning. There is a lot to be excited about! When is the correct time to start buying Christmas presents? I am sure I will talk about this in a future blog post.
With this in mind, I had to start looking for some exciting activities to do across the whole season, and I wanted to share my findings with you. Autumn bucket list here I come!
1. Pumpkin patches
First up on my autumn bucket list, I want to share the two locations I’ve visited for pumpkin picking in the past:
This was a great day out. There is ample parking when you arrive and a good system for picking and paying for your pumpkins.
Wear wellies, it was a rainy day when we visited and we had to wade through a muddy field.
They had a barn set up to get breakfast, a small bar for anyone drinking alcohol, and all the other snacks & drinks you’d expect. There were rides for the kids including a bucking bronco.
You can collect a wheelbarrow to take to the pumpkin picking field. Because she was a tiny baby at the time, we put our little one in it, instead of carrying her through the mud, haha!
Check out their website for specific information on this year’s pumpkin event, as some things may have changed.
This is a small farm and we mainly visited to see the animals. Although the farm is small, there are a lot of animals to see, including an indoor enclosure where you can brush a very friendly rabbit.
There are toy cars and tractors for the little ones to play in and toilet facilities all around the farm. You can also purchase carrots to feed the animals as you walk around.
They did have a pumpkin field when we visited and we got some nice pumpkins to carve. It isn’t on the scale of Farmer Copleys or as well organised, but a great addition to the day out, if you’re visiting the farm anyway.
The cafe offers the basics, and the service was a bit slow. However, their website looks to have been updated since we last visited. You can check out the pumpkin event here.
I looked at this farm when doing research for where to visit in previous years and I like the sound of their tractor ride to the pumpkin field. Our little one would love this. You can check out the information here.
This was also on the list when I previously researched the other two farms we visited, but we couldn’t get tickets.
It looks like there are new activities added and the entertainment alone makes me want to pay the higher price tag to keep our little one entertained for longer. You also get a voucher to redeem in the shop, against the ticket price paid.
You can check out all the information here. You can book tickets here.
No autumn bucket list would be complete without an autumn wreath. I’ve spotted them on doors, especially during our drive to the seaside and I want one.
It’s something I’ve never thought of buying until this year, but with all the excitement over this year’s autumn season, I have to buy one. Read my blog post The things I love most about the upcoming autumn season for more details on the things I’m excited about.
If you don’t fancy buying one and are feeling creative, you can make your own – these are some of the events I found. You can book your wreath-making party at home here.
Alternatively, you can visit Hobbycraft for all the supplies you need to make one at home.
3. Halloween outfit for nursery
If possible, I want to go all out for our little one, as I would with our costumes. Read my blog post 4 times I rocked Halloween parties with my homemade costumes for more details on my obsession with customising costumes. I want to buy or create an outfit no other child will be wearing (not a competitive mother over here at all).
A must on the autumn bucket list is planning Halloween events. We’ve looked at the scary events English Heritage has on in the past. You can find out more information about the events available here.
I usually struggle to find suitable events, as Halloween isn’t celebrated in the UK, but I am happy with some of the events I’ve found and we will be booking a few of them:
Halloween food, drink & craft Fest at Howsham Hall, York – It looks like a great event and you can buy tickets here.
Mother Shipton’s Cave – the Halloween event looks like fun. You can find more information here and book tickets here.
Curious concoctions – kids’ outdoor Halloween party, Haddocks Wood, Runcorn – I love the idea of this outdoor event and kids making Halloween potions in the woods. It might be one for us to check out when our little one is a bit older. You can book tickets here.
September, when we start counting down the days until the colder mornings, buying Halloween costumes, putting up autumn decorations, planning where we will spend Halloween, what firework displays we will visit, bonfire night, then Christmas planning.
5. Markets
Markets are amazing all year round, but especially magical at the time of year and therefore make it onto the autumn bucket list.
Autumn-themed, a Christmas Market. I just love a good market, where you can buy a range of items you may never be able to find again. That’s the beauty of it.
These are the ones I’ve found:
Malton Food Market– This monthly event looks amazing and I can imagine all the yummy products on offer – the next one is Saturday 9 October 2021.
Living North Christmas Fair, York Racecourse – The Hubby & I visited this one a few years ago and we honestly had a blast! Everything is expensive on the day, but we came away with flavoured vodka, chocolate, premium cheese, and house decor – a perfect day of indulgence and I am so glad we went before having kids, haha!
Christmas craft & food market, Rise Hall, Hull – This looks like a lovely day out and it might be something we check out this year. It will be nice to walk around freely without restrictions like we’ve had the last two years.
Sheffield Christmas markets – We visited the market as a couple several years back and stayed in a beautiful hotel for the night. It was magical to walk around the city centre, wrapped up, with our mulled wine. I remember purchasing Christmas presents for everyone and tree decorations. Where do I book?? All the information you need is in the link above and they are also taking trade inquiries at the moment.
Final thoughts
What activities are on your autumn bucket list and what days out do you have planned in the lead-up to Christmas? I would love to hear about any events you are attending below…
I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:
It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.
The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.
How the day began
The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.
We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.
This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.
Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.
My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.
I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
The rest of the day
It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.
I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.
The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.
I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.
Winding down from anxiety
The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).
I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.
I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.
For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.
If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.
Was this a setback?
This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.
The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.
We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.
There is hope
I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.
A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.
I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.
Welcome along to my first round-up post! It’s a little late, as we are a few days into October, but I still wanted to reflect on the previous month and set my goals for October.
My personal progress
I’ve been through a lot in my personal life over the course of starting the blog and definitely had an interesting journey with my mental health. A lot of bumps in the road. You can read more about my mental health struggles here.
I am proud of how far I’ve come in less than two months and it’s time to acknowledge my first full calendar month of blogging.
How it all began
I released my first blog post on 12 August 2021. Prior to this, there was a lot of research, writing, and quickly learning a lot of technical elements, which isn’t my strong point. I am proud of how far I’ve come in less than two months and it’s time to acknowledge my first full calendar month of blogging.
September 2021 blog posts
It wouldn’t be a round-up post without a look back at last month. I release 7 posts in total, which I am proud of.
l released this post on 2 September 2021 and I loved writing it! It made me excited for everything this spooky season has to offer.
I released this post on 8 September 2021 in the lead-up to our holiday, because I was excited about it. Some context here, about four months ago due to my breakdown, I couldn’t even talk about booking a holiday, let alone become excited. Writing this was a huge step in my recovery.
This post was released on 24 September 2021 and it signified a change in me. Once you reach a certain point in your mental health journey, I feel there is no going back.
This is my first time setting goals! Then a round-up post to follow on the final weekend of the month. Read more here about why goal setting is important.
#Blogtober
I want to smash Blogtober and use this time to start other projects I want to work on. My main goal is to keep up with comments and how fast-paced it is.
Up my game on Pinterest
I have started pinning several different pictures for each blog post and I am hoping this will help.
350 blog views by month end
Based on my current stats this should be achievable.
Twitter
Reach 1500 followers on Twitter.
Instagram
Reach 3500 followers on Instagram and start using reels & stories more.
Affiliate
Get my first affiliate sale. I would be so happy!
Final thoughts
What are your blogging goals for October 2021?
What do you include in your round-up post?
Let me know in the comments below, I would love to hear from you.
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