I talk a lot on this blog about adult mental health, but children’s mental health is equally as important.
Our situation
I haven’t talked much about this on the blog before, but I frequently post about our situation on social media to help others. Our little one is on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment. I attended some training with a local ADHD charity and one of the things they mentioned is that ADHD brains need 10 positive things, or sayings for every 1 negative event that occurs, or something they perceive as negative.
I am now always mindful that it’s more important for my child to have positivity around her. And I don’t just mean being happy all the time or positive for the sake of it. I mean targeted and meaningful exercises such as age-appropriate mindfulness videos and workbooks.
Check out the NSPCC website for more information on why they believe children’s mental health is so important.
Resources I have found particularly helpful
The journey our family is on might be something I decide to talk more about in future. For now, we are in the midst of the referral pathway journey and it’s difficult. I also feel like it isn’t my journey to share and that some things need to remain private.
Over the last 18 months, I’ve been in dark places, feeling alone on this journey. Because nobody else understands and the help that should be available, from doctors and the local authority is lacking.
I have therefore collated my own resources and I want to share them with you…
Read on for lots more resources to help your children look after their mental health…
Resources for Parents
I have collated some websites with great resources for parents. If your child is struggling or you want any information to pass on to friends and family, check out the links below.
I don’t know about you, but I am a pretty anxious parent. Because of her needs, she sometimes isn’t aware of the dangers in her life, and I truly believe that it is our job to keep our children safe. Especially in the current climate we live in. If you want to ensure your kids are truly safe, then a kids tracker might be an option.
Mindfulness for Children
I wanted to include some videos that are useful for practising mindfulness with your children.
Books for children to help with mental health
You can read more about children’s books related to mental health and emotions in this book review section of my blog.
My online blogging journey began in July 2021. It was born out of hitting rock bottom and feeling compelled to help other people facing mental health struggles. I just had to write down my thoughts and feelings, and sharing my story aided my recovery. Now I am working on my third blog launch.
Needless to say, my writing journey began way back. I still have boxes full of poems and diaries I scribbled in and shoved away in our storage cupboard. I really should dig them out and do something with them! I’ve always considered myself a writer at heart. Writing is my method of communication. It’s how I express myself. Writing helps me process my emotions.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days. Even bad weeks. Everything gets on top of me no matter how hard I try to prevent it. I still have unhealthy outbursts around those I love, because I allow anxiety to take over. However, no human is perfect. We are all flawed and the difference now, is I don’t beat myself up about my downfalls. Instead, I learn from it and move on.
So how have I turned this ability into something I do each day? A passion that has taken over my life, in the best way possible?
I don’t do anything by halves. I never have done. My university days were spent burning the candle at both ends for three years. And as a result, almost seriously quit three times. From there, my life carried on in much the same fashion. A constant pattern of, running around like a superwoman, with lack of sleep, high anxiety, believing I could tackle the world. My blogging journey is no different.
The only difference is, that I am now a transformed person, who can manage my anxiety better. It hasn’t gone away, and it probably never will. However, I now look after my well-being daily. I make myself a priority. Hitting rock bottom has forced me to admit I cannot take on the world and I need a job with fewer hours, so I can focus on my little girl more.
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Time to review the way I live my life
Admitting you are not superwoman, when you’re predisposed to believe it, is a hard pill to swallow. However, hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Following my mental breakdown, I was forced to stop and take stock of my life. My mind and body wouldn’t allow any other mode than ‘go slow’. The only way to recover was daily self-care, medication, and self-love. By being brutally honest with myself and those closest to me, about my years of stress and anxiety. And telling the truth about what it did to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days. Even bad weeks. Everything gets on top of me no matter how hard I try to prevent it. I still have unhealthy outbursts around those I love, because I allow anxiety to take over. However, no human is perfect. We are all flawed and the difference now, is I don’t beat myself up about my downfalls. Instead, I learn from it and move on.
In summary, I’ve set up two blogs and I am working on my third. However, I am confident I will know when a rest is required. When a long soak in the bath is to be favoured over writing a blog post.
You can be a certain personality type, even honour this, but also honour yourself and take care of your needs.
When you suffer the impact of a mental breakdown, you can’t ever go back to the person you were before. You’ve lived through the hard lessons already. It makes you a pro at detecting your stress levels are rising, and it’s time for some much-needed recharge time.
How do you manage your stress levels? I would love to know the techniques you use! Let me know in the comments below
I can’t wait to launch my third blog, in the meantime, you can view all my blog posts here. You can sign up for my freebie library here and you can check out the social media accounts for my second blog here.
Thank you to Jason for providing Part Two of this wonderful story. It is important we raise awareness of these issues. If you missed part one, you can click on the button below to access this:
Back when I began writing my first book (OCDad: Learning to Be a Parent with a Mental Health Disorder – read about it here!). I had a mantra that I kept repeating throughout the project: practical, not profound…practical, not profound.
The reason for that mantra was simple: I knew my situation as a parent with a mental health disorder wasn’t unique. I’m not saying my situation was insignificant. But I knew I couldn’t be the only one out there looking for practical ways to manage my mental health. And be a good, reliable parent at the same time. I personally, only wanted to engage with posts and resources that gave me relatable, practical advice. The advice I could use in my real life.
Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
My desire to help other people
To that end, I wanted to take a bit of time to share some key points from my notes and experiences. This information is for those who either can’t engage with a full-length book at the moment (no judgment, honestly…I’ve been there, too). Or who are just looking for some supplemental information along with their parenting and mental health journeys? This being the case, here are some thoughts on the practicalities of managing mental health treatment and parenting in tandem.
Some Practicalities of Accessing Therapy When You’re a Parent
I always say parenting and therapy are difficult to manage together because they demand the same resources: time, money, emotional energy, and meaningful attention. Parenthood is also a challenging time to put oneself first. After all, you have at least one tiny human in your life who is utterly dependent on you for survival. And, later, for playtimes, questions, discussions, and fort-building. It’s a tough balance, and it needs to be approached with intention whenever possible.
With that goal in mind, let’s turn first to some of the obstacles to accessing therapy as a parent, and then to a few starting ideas about what you can do to help yourself, and your loved ones:
Time
This is one of the most common reasons people use for turning down lots of different commitments, parents or otherwise. I was worried therapy would be an all-encompassing drain on my time, but that was an untested assumption. It’s not as if it only took a few minutes per week, but it wasn’t overwhelming either.
Here are some specific numbers that might help. For the first two months, I went to therapy once every two or three weeks for one hour. I was fortunate to be able to schedule appointments outside of my work hours. But for those who can’t do that, many therapy services now work online, and at odd hours. For the time required to journal and complete my therapy exercises at home, my time commitments looked like this:
First three months: thirty to forty-five minutes per day, five to six days per week
Three months to six months: thirty minutes per day, four to five days per week
Six months to one year: thirty minutes per day, three to four days per week
One year onward: journaling two to three times per week, and therapy exercises as needed
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Your journey could be different – read on for more tips
Remember, those are my numbers, not yours. Some people might need more time, others will need less. I should also note that the gradual tapering of my therapy was due, in part, to my therapist’s recommendation. Therapy is a process, not a lifestyle. At some point, it’s important to take what you’ve learned and get back out into the world to give it a try.
In terms of the time at home for journaling and exercises, I’ll admit, it was a struggle sometimes. There were plenty of days where time for therapy simply went out the window, but there were also some strategies that helped. Here is a list of my top five:
Keep the right mindset from the start. For a time, therapy will likely have to replace something in your life. In my case, I modified the frequency and intensity of my workout schedule and readjusted my down time in the evenings. I also allocated funds for my therapy knowing that it was a necessary investment. Honestly, I didn’t want to do any of those things, but I wanted to heal more than I wanted money and down time.
Trade off driving responsibilities on long road trips and complete some journaling or written CBT exercises.
Watch less TV. Yes, sorry, it’s true. Even one less episode of something per night can really add up. I cut out TV a few nights per week for therapy exercises for the first year of my treatment. It helped. A lot.
Take advantage of any family support and babysitting you can access. It’s OK if you don’t want to disclose your therapy journey to other people, but you can always spend a bit of your release time in a cafe with a workbook, or on the phone with a therapist. Every bit of time helps.
Trade off on rest and chore times with your partner. For example, maybe your partner can manage evening clean-up while you do your therapy exercises in exchange for a bit of sleep in time the next morning.
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Why therapy is worth it
As I’m sure you can see, I viewed (and still view) therapy as work; important, life-altering work, but still work. I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that. The fact is, therapy takes time and effort. With time and effort comes results, but also some inevitable sacrifices. I don’t mention that to be pessimistic, or to deter anyone in their therapy journey. I say it so that you can have a realistic idea of what you’re signing up for when you start therapy as a parent. There are drawbacks, but there are so many benefits. In the next section, we’re going to look at an example of each of those.
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP)
Exposure Response with Prevention therapy (ERP) is the process of gradually exposing yourself to things that trigger your obsessions. To lessen the intensity of your reactions and reconceptualize the source and function of your intrusive thoughts. It sounds swell and helpful, and for the most part, it is.
Here’s something I learned the hard way, though: not all exposures work for parents and families. That was one of my biggest frustrations with every resource I read when I first started my treatment. I remember thinking, ‘Great, this exposure stuff is going to work brilliantly for my obsession about heights and suicidal OCD, but what about my obsessions about my kids?’ There was no way I was going to expose my sons to gradually increasing levels of contaminants, greater heights, or more dangerous water settings. Just so I could prove to myself that I could feel more comfortable with them being at risk. Luckily, I found a solution that worked well: imaginal exposures.
Imaginal Exposures
Imaginal exposures are exactly what they sound like. Exposing yourself to a distressing situation by imagining it and writing it out. That might sound like a strange process, but I think it has a lot of advantages. For one thing, you can confront any intrusive thought you want with no actual risk to you or your loved ones. Second, you can control when and how the exposure takes place. There are no concerns about making noise, leaving the house, spending money, or any other logistical demand you can think of, other than time and attention.
A warning when working through exposures
That’s not to say, of course, that imaginal exposures are easy. The first time I tried one, I broke down crying because I went straight to imagining my most difficult kid-based obsessions. Such as seeing my sons fall from a high balcony. I didn’t realize that imaginal exposures work just like real-world exposures. They need to be conducted slowly, regularly, and in progressive steps.
It would’ve made far more sense to start by writing out an exposure about my son falling from the couch, then maybe a couple of stairs, then maybe a small park climber. If you’ve never done an exposure with the help of a qualified therapist, MAKE SURE you read about how to create an exposure hierarchy first. This page and this page will help get you started. DON’T go any further without reading both those pages (seriously, don’t).
With that caution in mind, here are the instructions I used for my imaginal exposures:
Imaginal Exposure Instructions
Select a trigger from your exposure ladder that you either can’t or don’t want to try in real life.
Choose a scenario where this trigger plays out most often.
Write out the scenario as vividly and powerfully as you can. If possible, include a description from all five senses.
Re-read your imaginal exposure often, and read it out loud.
Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Next, a couple of reflection points from my experience with imaginal exposures:
I did my best to limit my imaginal exposures to one page of writing. The point of this exercise is to confront a scenario that you repeatedly see in your mind. Not to imagine all kinds of other bizarre and irrational ways the situation could play out. I also found I had to be cautious about not letting my mind wander too much. I also found my exposures had to be repeated until they became easy or boring, and that often took several repetitions.
Say it out loud
Also, step 4 in the instructions is worth repeating. Read your written exposures out loud, if possible. Seriously. Reading my imaginal exposures out loud helped me process them in a completely different way. It took away so much of their influence over my mind and emotions. More so than writing alone, and infinitely more than keeping the exposure in my head.
Now, let me be clear about something – it was an immensely uncomfortable exercise at first. I didn’t even want to write out an imaginal exposure, let alone read it out loud. And I was always worried that someone else was going to hear me and think I was crazy. Eventually, I decided to give it a try.
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Starting exposures
I waited until my boys were out on a walk with my wife and her friend, and then I locked myself in my room, opened the imaginal exposure, and read it; quietly, but out loud. Have you ever had one of those moments where you explain an idea to someone and then realize that the idea made a lot more sense in your head than it does out loud? It was a lot like that. To this day, I’m so glad I took that uncomfortable leap, and I have therapy to thank for the push.
Drawback: CBT and ERP Don’t Always Work in the Moment (at least not right away)
Sometimes, even with all the progress I’ve made, my symptoms still get the better of me. Whether it’s a compulsion that slips through my net or an anxious reaction to an unexpected trigger, sudden flare-ups just happen.
I remember one incident, about a year into my treatment, when my wife and I took the boys to a park near our house. The park was lined with oak trees, and acorns were strewn all over the ground. I had just worked through an exaggerated threat exercise about fears of my boys choking at mealtime, and I was feeling good about my progress.
Then, all of a sudden, one of my sons picked up an acorn and put it in his mouth. I lost it. I ran over to him, took the acorn out of his mouth, put him in the stroller, and insisted to my wife that we relocate our playtime to somewhere with no acorns. She and the boys were understandably stressed and confused. Mealtimes were no longer a trigger for obsessions about choking, but evidently, park time was, at least when there were acorns around.
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After that incident, I did the only thing I could do. Apologized to my wife, forgave myself for the lapse, and completed more exercises to help process my obsession in that situation. Over time, I started using a specific set of questions to reflect on these kinds of incidents:
Momentary Lapse Reflection
What happened?
How did I react?
Why did I react that way?
What were the pros and cons of my reaction?
How should I change my reaction if this situation comes up again?
Taking some intentional reflection time after momentary lapses was helpful and productive. I didn’t have time to debrief every disagreeable situation. But it was great to have a resource available for when I needed it. The next time we went to the park, I mentally prepared myself to manage the trigger of the acorns. And I had a much more balanced reaction when my boys tried to pick them up. Sometimes, the best you can do is reflect on a moment that didn’t go well and prepare for next time.
Summary
So, there you have it. A very brief glimpse into the practicalities of managing therapy and parenting. If you would like to know more, please visit my website – http://www.theocdad.ca – and get in touch. This conversation is a long and personal one, and there are so many ways therapy and OCD challenge each of us. The key, in my opinion, is the same key that brings change and results in any other setting: consistent effort. If you ever feel your efforts waning, just know that you’re not alone. Ever.
Fighting forward.
Jason Adams
Final thoughts from me
I want to thank Jason for writing this post and highlighting these important issues. I know how difficult it is to discuss such personal topics. However, we must do. To help other people, we must speak out.
Please head over and check out Jason’s website and social media accounts.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on these posts. Part one can be found here if you missed it.
A hoarder is someone who saves items that they don’t need, even if they are not useful to them or their family around the home. Hoarders often feel a sense of relief when they acquire new items and have difficulty throwing anything away. They may also experience anxiety when they think about discarding their possessions. But what does it take to overcome this?
Why is the Hoarding Habit so Common?
Hoarding is a mental disorder that is characterised by the compulsive accumulation of items, regardless of their value. This can be as simple as a few clothes or as complex as an entire house full of junk. There are many reasons why people hoard and it usually stems from anxiety, depression, or trauma.
The hoarding habit is so common because it can be difficult to get rid of things and it’s often hard for people who hoard to let go. It may also stem from the need to feel in control and the fear that if someone throws out something important, they will regret it later on.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – The Root of the Hoarding Problem
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental illness that causes the sufferer to have uncontrollable thoughts and do obsessive and compulsive behaviours. The root of the hoarding problem is the obsessive need for control. Hoarders believe that if they keep everything, they will be able to prevent or reduce their anxiety.
Hoarding disorder is a type of OCD where people are unable to discard items from their homes or workplaces, even when they have no use for them. They may feel an intense sense of responsibility for these possessions, which can cause them to experience extreme distress at the idea of getting rid of anything. Hoarding disorder can also lead to health problems due to living conditions such as mould growth, pest infestations and excessive dust.
What Is a Minimalist Lifestyle? Benefits of Living More Simply
The Minimalist Lifestyle is a lifestyle that focuses on living with less. It is the idea of living with fewer possessions, to reduce stress, clutter, and expense. A minimalist lifestyle can be beneficial in many ways. It will lead to a more organized and less cluttered environment. This can help relieve stress and make it easier to find things you need when you need them.
How to Clean Up as a Beginner Minimalist
Being a beginner minimalist can be very difficult. The reason for this is that it can be hard to know where to start and what to do. The first way is by getting rid of things you no longer need. And in the case of hoarding, doing a complete clean-out with someone like Clear It Out can help. It can be something that may need to be done over time. However, getting a clearance team in to remove physical items after the mental work is done can work well.
Tips on Decluttering Your Home and Getting Rid of Clutter Forever
Decluttering your home is a long process, but it can be done in stages. It’s important to find a way that works for you and your family. Our homes are full of things that we use on a daily basis, and some things that we don’t use at all. But the problem is that our homes are also full of things we don’t need. So how do you declutter your home?
Work with what you have and don’t buy anything new for the time being
Sort through everything and decide what needs to stay or go
Guest post – I am honoured to welcome Jason who has written an amazing guest post about parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis
Let’s dive in…
PART 2 will be published later this week...
The earliest years of parenthood are hard. Really hard, actually. Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is especially difficult.
It’s a time when stressors go up, stress relievers go down. And your scope of responsibility skyrockets in the most beautiful, but also complex and exhausting ways. For those of us who enter these years with a mental health disorder, some aspects of parenting may be more complicated than others. Especially if, as I did, you have to make parenting and treatment work at the same time. It’s doable, but it’s not easy.
Below, I will explain why.
When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
Here’s why:
Confronting a mental health disorder while parenting poses a difficult paradox. You’ve likely never had a better or more pressing reason to get better. But you also have to contend with two new complications. First, all the usual blocks to mental health treatment. Including, stigma, lack of information and resources. These feel even more pronounced because of the added responsibilities and complexities of parenthood.
Second, mental health treatment and parenting require many of the same resources. Energy, meaningful attention, information, time, and money. As any new parent will tell you, those resources are strained and limited at the best of times. In my case, I only learned this lesson after trying (and failing) to ‘power through’ what I thought were typical ‘new parent worries’. Only to discover that what I was trying to manage were clinical OCD symptoms.
My own challenges
Over the next year and a half, I spent many long days and nights learning how to be a parent and manage my mental health at the same time. In the earliest months of my therapy journey, I was struck by one question above all others. Why don’t more people talk about the challenges of managing mental health treatment and parenting at the same time? As we’ll see, there are numerous answers to this question, but for now, let’s start with a seemingly obvious but deceptively insidious reason: stigma.
Paradoxes, Parenting and Stigma
Fred Rogers once said that anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable is manageable. I know, from personal experience, that Mr. Rogers’ words are as true now as when he first said them. But it’s also been my experience that certain aspects of parenting are more mentionable, and, by extension, more manageable than others.
Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is difficult because the fact is, it’s not easy to admit you’re suffering from a mental health disorder when you’re a parent. There are real and daunting fears of the stigma that come with opening up about your struggles. For me, these fears manifested in the form of some daunting and complicated questions.
What will people think?
Parenting is a visceral journey that often defines at least part of a person’s life and identity. With strong emotions come strong opinions. If it’s something we teach to kids, be it feeding, sleeping, toileting or discipline, someone has an opinion about it.
In one sense, a range of opinions is helpful because it allows parents to make informed decisions, but in another sense, it adds pressure and judgment to every decision we make. When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
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Think of it this way: when are you most likely to need help? When you’re struggling, of course. However, when are you least likely to admit that you’re vulnerable? For most people, the answer to the question is likely a time when you’re responsible for something important to you.
For me, the answer was the day I became a Dad. To say it was a stressful collision of circumstances is an understatement, at best. I would like to say I immediately admitted to my struggles and sought help, but I didn’t. I resisted the reality of my situation because I was stuck. And, I was stuck because I couldn’t answer another important question about my symptoms.
Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted.
What does my mental health (or lack thereof) say about me as a parent?
Anxiety thrives in the hypothetical. When I first experienced an onset of clinical OCD symptoms, my mind went into overdrive about what my symptoms meant for me and my family. Was I sick for life? Was I cursed? Was I just too weak to manage my new responsibilities? Part of me knew that these questions were irrational. But another part of me worried that admitting to my symptoms would trigger stigma towards me from others, and, ultimately, affect the way they saw me as a parent.
The irony was, anyone who knew me well could see that I was suffering anyway. Or, to be more precise, they could see that I was trying to cover the fact I was suffering. In retrospect, I can see many ways OCD affected my parenting in my earliest months of Dadhood. To dissuade others from missing similar details, I’ve listed several of my most prevalent behaviours below.
Check out similar blog posts in the mental health category
OCD and Parenting: Conflicting Emotions, Conflicting Behaviours
Having kids is touted as a joyous experience, and in so many ways, it is. For me, though, having kids also meant spikes in stress and anxiety. The likes of which I had never felt before. From the moment I first held my boys, I felt dedicated to their growth, happiness, and protection. I loved those feelings. The problem was, my malfunctioning brain took those natural parental emotions, swirled them up with obsessions, and sent my mind into a tailspin. I never doubted I loved my boys, but my anxieties and emotions were so out of control I couldn’t love every moment of raising them, at least not at first. Here’s how those feelings manifested in day-to-day life.
Zero to One Thousand
A baby crying isn’t just an early attempt at communication. It’s a biological chain reaction designed to alert parents to their children’s needs and to prompt them to act. To an obsessive-compulsive brain, a baby crying is like strapping a rocket to a race car. Your brain is already in non-stop stress response mode. And then it gets flooded with another round of stress hormones every time your baby cries. Consider, for example, a normal parental response to baby crying:
1. Baby cries.
2. Parent hears the cry.
3. Parent thinks, ‘I need to go check on the baby’.
4. Parent calmly goes to the baby.
5. Parent assesses the baby’s needs and offers food, comfort, and attention as needed.
It’s a logical sequence of baby care, and it’s what I expected to be doing when I heard my babies crying. I was wrong. Here’s what my reaction cycle looked like:
1. Baby cries.
2. I hear the cry.
3. My chest tightens, and my heart rate goes up.
4. I start picturing worst-case scenarios and wondering which one of them is playing out.
5. I bolt up from what I’m doing.
6. I go to my babies and start to assess them for serious injuries and missing vital signs.
7. I realise they’re OK, and I start trying to calm everyone down, including myself.
The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my own head because I couldn’t see beyond my own thoughts.
What you’re seeing is the effect of increased stress hormones on an already-imbalanced set of neural circuits. The logical parent in me knew crying was normal and encouraged me to react rationally. The OCD part of me jumped straight to the worst-case scenario. Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted. Speaking of which.
Emotional Exhaustion
Raising kids takes a lot of patience and resilience. To manage those ups and downs successfully, you need emotional energy. When my OCD symptoms were at their worst, I was running on emotional fumes. Sleep times meant I could relax physically, but it also meant lying alone with my brain and fighting off non-stop obsessions. By the time I went into the nursery to get my boys up for their next feed, it was like I had just returned from hiking on an icy mountain top. I felt relieved, but I was mentally and emotionally fried.
When my symptoms were at their worst, I was frequently frustrated, irritable, and difficult to be around for my wife and family. Simple messes and spills were an infuriating disaster. Stubbing my toe made me feel like the universe was conspiring against me. It’s not that I’m a petty person. Normally, those things don’t bother me. The problem was I had no patience for minor annoyances because all my emotional energy was being spent on managing my obsessions and compulsions. Over time, getting through the motions of day-to-day life became harder and harder. The longer I tried to tough it out, the more exhausted I became. Still, I pressed on, thinking it was only a matter of time before things got better. When that approach didn’t work, I tried to find relief by exercising more control over my circumstances.
Overprotective (No, Like Really Overprotective)
It’s natural to feel reasonably protective of your kids, but OCD makes it hard to react calmly and rationally to even the possibility of a threat. Some of my worst obsessions were based on my kids choking, drowning, and falling from heights. Combined with a parent’s emotions, those obsessions made feedings, bath time, and carrying my boys up and down stairs difficult.
I reacted with fight-or-flight intensity to the slightest hint of choking, unexpected slips in water. And even the slightest of squirms when I carried them up and downstairs. In other words, I acted as if there was a real threat based on the possibility of a hazard. OCD is like that. It makes you believe that situations are either completely safe or imminently dangerous. That your actions are the difference between the two.
There isn’t a place or situation on planet Earth that is one hundred percent safe, and kids have to take risks to learn their limitations. But at first, I couldn’t accept this. Believe it or not, that approach made perfect sense to me. After all, I was just doing my parental duties, wasn’t I? As it turns out, even those were harder than I thought.
Parenting Duties
I had a lot of trouble learning how to put shirts on my sons. That’s not a typo. I had to ‘learn’ how to do it. Here’s why: babies are tiny and delicate. When I pull a shirt over my head, I line my head up with the hole and pull. I can do that because my neck is strong. It doesn’t move when I put on a shirt. My sons were little, and their necks were delicate. In my head, that meant risk for them, and life-or-death responsibility for me.
For most parents, the delicacy of a baby is just a reminder to be reasonably cautious. For me, it meant I needed a procedure to ensure there was zero risk of breaking my kids’ necks, or of them suffocating if the shirt got stuck at their noses or mouths on the way down to their bodies. Most times I was successful, but when a shirt did get stuck, I had to remove it and find another way to put it on. Or find a new shirt altogether.
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I also tried to only use shirts with extra-wide head holes, and if the head hole wasn’t wide enough, I would stretch it before putting it on (let’s just say my wife – the one who did all the clothes shopping – was none too pleased about that). Remember, neither of us knew about my OCD diagnosis at first, so there was confusion and frustration all around.
Where am I now?
Looking back, part of me feels proud I didn’t let my symptoms ruin my parenting altogether. Dressing my boys was difficult, but I still dressed them. Diaper changes were stressful, but I still did them. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. I just wish I could’ve enjoyed those things without feeling like I was navigating a life-or-death situation. The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my head because I couldn’t see beyond my thoughts.
Thankfully, with the help of a brilliant therapist and a supportive family, I found the strategies I was looking for.
Final thoughts
If you’d like to know more about the practicalities of making OCD, therapy, and parenting work together, be sure to check out part two of this blog series for more information. You can also find my book, which contains all the gritty details mentioned in this blog and more, at http://www.theocdad.ca.
A few final words from me
I want to thank Jason for sharing this honest post about parenting struggles whilst managing a mental health condition. I was emotional when I first read through this post, simply because I totally relate to the struggles. I also relate to the guilt you feel for not being your best self as a parent.
I hope this post helps someone out there, and I can’t wait to share part two with you all later in the week.
We used to visit the Magic Garden Play Cafe in Howarth when my little one could barely sit up. It was when I was first introduced to Little Learners. They held one of their classes there and it was a real lifeline for me during maternity leave.
Back then I was contending with low confidence and what I now know was postpartum anxiety. I couldn’t attend the classes without my hubby or mum to accompany me. That said, we made many lovely memories together. Whilst these struggles feel like a lifetime ago, it was strange being back in the building four years on. I even forgot which entrance we had to go through!
Disclaimer – this review was written following a paid-for visit to the event. I am in no way affiliated with the cafe nor have I been paid for this review
Parents & carers community
These days I love nothing more than chatting to other mums, at the soft play centre or activity we have lined up. We also see a lot of grandparents caring for young children. My mental health struggles have taught me that as parents and carers, we are all tired and exhausted. We largely face the same struggles and there is value in a quick conversation or giving someone directions to the toilet. It’s a great community of people and I now love being a part of it.
Just the other day we were in Wetherspoons and a lovely older couple went looking for me and my toddler. We had both gone to get a refill cup of tea and left our shopping bags. They thought we had left and forgotten our shopping. So lovely of them to worry about us.
Let’s dive into the practical information you need if you want to visit The Magic Garden Play Cafe
Booking the Elsa & Anna sing-along
When I saw the Elsa & Anna sing-along online, I immediately booked it. My four-year-old is obsessed with Elsa and we took the opportunity for her to dress up. I even let her have the Elsa microphone in the car.
The location
As we were driving up the hill in Howarth I was flooded with lovely memories of coming here with my grandma. We would visit the shops and it’s a place close to my heart. It was lovely explaining that to my little one.
Upon arrival
Upon arrival, we noticed many other Elsa dresses and Anna costumes in the car park. The remark I got from my four-year-old was “I will sing along with them“.
This is what classes like this are all about. Community and making friends.
The venue has around 15 tables and I’ve never struggled to get a seat in all the time I’ve been coming here. When you are alone with a child, it’s important you can get a table and have a base to store coats, bags and shoes. And more importantly, sit down! If I cannot be sure I will get a table at the venue we attend, I always intentionally pick a pre-bookable soft play – where you can secure your table.
Kids section
There is a gated section where classes and events take place. The gate is helpful if you have little ones trying to escape. There are lots of great classes which take place here and I have included some of the posters and links for you below.
The play area
This play area inspired my little one’s bedroom decor. The IKEA leaves were something we had to get her. And she commented today that her bedroom is also decorated the same way. I love the Scandi feel of the play area. And although we were here for an Elsa & Anna singalong, all my toddler wanted to do was take off her shoes and play in the soft play.
It’s still one of the most impressive play areas I’ve visited, despite reviewing a lot of them previously. You can book to just attend the soft play only.
The cafe
As parents, we all know the cafe is an important aspect. Being able to have that nice cup of tea and a bite to eat is a must. And now I have a four-year-old I can actually sit for 10 minutes at a time. Enjoying my cup of tea is bliss. Whilst she is off making friends and enjoying herself.
How was the food?
The cup of tea and bacon sandwich I ordered didn’t disappoint. The little one got a cute little frozen meal box with the price of the ticket. Which included a selection of sandwiches (who chose ham) crisps and a drink.
We also bought an Elsa bun, cos we all deserve a little treat.
Prices for play
You can view the prices for play and some of the upcoming events at the cafe. For a full list, check out the website.
Opening times
The cafe is open during these days & times:
* Monday to Thursday 9.30 am – 2.30 pm.
Parties
They also offer parties. All the details you need are here.
Summary
My intention is to enjoy the rest of the summer with my little one – when I can. Because childcare is so damn expensive, we will also keep the same family routine throughout the year. Meaning my toddler gets one weekday with each parent, during the school holidays. And the rest of the time I’m looking at sports clubs, which I know she will love.
My mental health struggles taught me a while ago, that a work-life balance was the only way I could mentally keep myself well. I’m also thankful I’ve managed to create the balance we need. And I plan on keeping it that way.
I will be booking more amazing activities – to create lifelong memories with my baby girl.
Guest blog post: brought to you by Amber Louise of the Lady Boss Nomad blog
Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and thinkwould be useful for you.
One of the greatest lies we tell ourselves is that we’re stuck in a rut. However, did you know it’s not only possible to change your situation but to also change yourself too?
The mind is a powerful thing. It can be our greatest ally or our biggest enemy. The key to reinventing yourself is to gain control over the mind and start living the life you want to live. One way you can do this is by keeping a journal.
Since my mid-teens, I have kept some form of a journal whether it be an art journal, a diary or a bullet journal. Now I keep a journal for creative brainstorming in both my business and personal life and I keep an A5 journal for all my mixed media art.
being 100% honest about your thoughts and feelings can be difficult to start with. You need to remember that your journal is a safe place. It’s a non-judgmental space which enables you to say exactly how you feel with no repercussions or judgements.
It’s a wonderful outlet especially for me as I suffer from GAD or Generalised Anxiety Disorder but, the high functioning kind which can easily go undetected by others. So you see it’s extremely important for me to have a creative and reflective outlet as a busy boss lady that runs her blog.
Here in this post, I want to share with you my best tips for creating a daily journal practice that can reduce your anxiety and stress. These are life-saving tips that can improve your whole mindset and is a form of self CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy technique.
Tip number 1: Choose the right journal for yourself
Ok, so this one may sound a little silly, but the journal you choose can have a significant impact on how effective it is. Your journal is supposed to inspire and motivate you to use it. So, if you don’t love it, you’re not going to feel very inspired.
Take your time to choose the right journal. Think about its design and how the pages are set out. Do you love it? Can you see yourself writing in it every day? It may sound a little ridiculous, but the right journal will pick you.
Tip number 2: Start by writing about the things you’re grateful for
Once you’ve got the right journal, figuring out how to start it can be pretty tough. So, if you’re struggling, start by writing a list of the things you’re grateful for. This can either be done first thing in the morning or last thing in the evening. There are advantages to doing it during both times, so it’s all about what works for you.
All too often, we spend most of our time focusing on the things we don’t have or the things we wish we had. This makes us forget about the positive things we do have. Journaling helps you to focus on the positive things in the here and now, rather than wasting time and energy wishing for something more.
So how can this help you to reinvent yourself? Well, the more positive you are, the easier you’ll find it to make a change. It’s often our negativity which sets us back in life so anything which makes us more positive can help us to reinvent ourselves.
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Tip number 3: Be absolutely honest in your journal
Journaling isn’t going to help you if you aren’t 100% honest. The trouble is, you may find you spend so much time hiding how you feel, that being 100% honest about your thoughts and feelings can be difficult to start with. You need to remember that your journal is a safe place. It’s a non-judgmental space which enables you to say exactly how you feel with no repercussions or judgements.
Once you’re honest about your thoughts and feelings and what you want from life, you’ll be able to see what you need to do to change.
Tip number 4: Write down your biggest goals
Use the journal to write down what it is you want to achieve. This can be done in the form of short term and long-term goals. It’s important to see the big picture. Where do you want to be in 3-5 years and how could you potentially get there?
Writing down your goals and identifying the steps you need to take to make a change, will help massively.
Tip number 5: Make it a daily routine if you can
It’s important to use your journal daily. Set up a daily routine where you write in your journal at a specific time. Once you’ve gotten used to writing in the journal, it will become an automatic habit you carry out each day.
As with anything, to reinvent yourself, you need to be persistent and committed. So, be sure to write in your journal every single day.
Summary
These are just 5 ways that you can reduce your anxiety daily through journaling practice. The more you do it, the more chances you’ll start to see – both in how you feel and how you act. I am 100% certain that a journal will help you to reduce your stress and anxiety if you make it part of your daily routine.
It can also improve your focus and generate creative brainstorming which is crucial for busy CEOs and boss ladies. Often I will use my journal to brainstorm blog post ideas or even a whole product launch. If you too a busy boss lady who has high functioning anxiety then definitely give this a try. Other ways you can use your journal are brainstorming recipes or jotting down positive affirmations. I just know you’ll love this practice as much as I do!
Amber Louise is the busy CEO and Founder of the Lady Boss Nomad. She inspires women with useful tips, resources, motivation & encouragement to help their digital businesses thrive. She helps female entrepreneurs launch a digital businesses. This service is for those who already have digital products but just need a robust platform or for newbies needing ideas on which digital products to sell, she goes through ebooks, eCourses, printable’s etc. She can offer guidance on the best tools and resources for digital businesses and blogs about product launching, marketing and sales page creation.
I want to say thank you to Chloe from Nyxie’s Nook for this amazing guest post. I personally found social media to be the most amazing, supportive community following my mental breakdown and I definitely needed it. This post outlines the reasons it can be helpful for mental wellbeing.
Let’s dive in
Social media has long since been branded as hazardous to our mental and physical health. For those within a certain age bracket, it’s seen as something akin to the fall of socialisation. We constantly hear about children as young as six becoming addicted to social media, or adults missing the world around them because their nose is stuck in their phones.
But what about the positive side of social media? If we look beyond the addiction and online trolls, social media has helped shape the 21st century into a more inclusive place to be.
For a long time, we’ve been under the assumption that asking for help is a weak or attention-seeking behaviour. But with the help of social media, we’re now much further forward in realising that speaking up about our issues is an act of strength.
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5 Positive aspects of social media
Social media can be a great way to raise awareness, bring communities together andhelp those less fortunate.
Before the use of the internet and social media, we all seemed so far away. America, Japan, England, Finland; We were all divided by oceans, land and borders. With the use of the internet and, in turn, social media we’re able to raise awareness for issues that would otherwise be limited by location. By using social media we can reach other, like-minded people who can help spread awareness among their own communities and so on.
We’re better able to keep in touch with our loved ones, arrange online catch-ups and even play virtual games.
With so much of the world in lockdown at different times and for various levels of COVID-19, many of us have become separated from our families and peers. And with the current state of things here in the UK, our isolation isn’t set to end any time soon. The internet and social media have become a way for us to socialize, catch up and even watch movies together while staying safely apart.
Netflix has created their Netflix party to help socially distanced subscribers to watch television shows and movies together. Zoom has become the number one go-to video chatting application for social catch-ups to business meetings. Instagram, Facebook and Twitter also deserve honourable mention for helping us keep in touch and meet like-minded people who are better able to help and support us. Some of the most trusting and inspirational people I know were found via social media!
Finally, although not specifically on social media, as an avid gamer I find the use of online resources helpful in finding gaming partners. There are various places online to connect and even chat with gamers worldwide. I’ve met so many people through my love for Animal Crossing and The Sims. I’m in various community groups online where I can chat about the games, get information, tips and advice, and even swap friend codes.
Of course, this is all done from a safe distance and, as an adult, I’m aware of the danger of meeting others online. If you have a teenager or even a child who frequently games with others online, it’s suggested that you keep an eye on their activity. Have a chat with them about online safety and take an interest in what they’re doing without being overly critical.
Social media can be a welcome distraction from the outside world or a devastating realisation of the world around us
Social media has acted as a means for me to distract myself from the goings-on around me, but it’s also been there to remind me of the harsh realities of the world around us. Without it, I doubt I would be kept as informed as I am. I avoid the news at all costs and have long since stopped trusting state-funded news reports. So various online sources, social media included, have been my direct link to COVID-19 news, election updates and even any new information being spread in regards to mental health services in my local area.
In regards to acting as a distraction, by frequently visiting social media and getting to know others online, I’ve been able to build a small support network. This support network is usually biased and helps distract me just by chatting about things other than what’s on my mind.
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Social media has helped to normalise help-seeking behaviour
For a long time, we’ve been under the assumption that asking for help is a weak or attention-seeking behaviour. But with the help of social media, we’re now much further forward in realising that speaking up about our issues is an act of strength. Many adults and young people are coming forward to encourage others to ask for help for things such as mental illness, grief, sexual assault etc. No longer are these things taboo, rather, we’re unified in our need to speak up!
Social media can offer a creative outlet
Much like writing a blog or sketching in a notebook, creating social media posts can act as a creative outlet but on a much smaller scale. The likes of Instagram are especially good for displaying things such as photography and artwork, while Tik Tok is for the videographer in all of us.Others can view your work, like, share and even become inspired. But, of course, it’s not always about the number of likes and engagement you get. So long as you’re careful about how you manage your life on social media, it can be a wonderful place to find and hone your creative voice.
What are your thoughts on social media and its impacts? Do you feel that it’s a positive, negative or a bit of both? How do you use social media and how do you protect your mental health when using it?
Final thoughts from me
I agree with all these benefits and I hope you enjoyed reading the post. All the details you need to connect with Chloe are below. Please go check out her blog, show some love, comment on posts and do what we do best in the blogging community, interact and show support.
Anxiety can have you in a grip if you’re not careful, and if you are dealing with the symptoms of anxiety, you know that it can feel suffocating. No one wants to feel like they’re in a chokehold and anxiety is exactly what keeps you in that locked-in space.
The symptoms of anxiety can pull you down and make you feel like you’re drowning, and whether you’re actively seeking anxiety management therapy or you are exploring ways to exercise the adrenaline that comes with it, you need help and support. Below, we’ve put together some of the best techniques that you can use to fight off anxiety and finally let that monster go.
Get some medical advice. Anxiety can happen to anyone at any time, but chronic anxiety can ruin your life. You can get cannabis for anxiety from an alternative doctor, but it’s not a bad idea to speak to a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. Sometimes, anxiety comes from other issues such as depression and you need some support in that case. The help you get is vital for your continued recovery so don’t be afraid to ask for it!
Work on refocusing. Sometimes, distraction works a charm when it comes to anxiety and anxiety has two main issues: mental panic and physical discomfort. You could experience a racing heart, stomach distress and muscle tension when you’re feeling anxious, and instead of being pulled into interception, you can work on refocusing so that you don’t have to feel the mental and physical components of anxiety.
Visualisation can work! Meditation is not just quack medicine. You can bet that you can calm the mind and the body when you visualise yourself in a calm state and do so in a calm place. The mind can impact the body in powerful ways and you should consider vivid visualization to calm yourself down to fight off the anxiety. Thinking calm thoughts or using visualisation methods to redirect yourself can work to improve the panic you’re feeling.
Embrace mindfulness practices. It’s important that you work on your psychological process and mindfulness practices can help you to do that. It’s all about living in the present as fully as you can and accepting what you can and cannot control. The whole point of mindfulness is to feel the here and now without fear and worry. You need to be in touch with your mind and body so that you can notice the sensations you’re feeling and combat them where you can.
Learn to relax. Oh, relaxation! Not easy for the anxious-minded out there. You can learn to do this by doing a workout. We know, that workouts are not easy when your mind is busy being frozen but expelling the adrenaline from your body can help to flood it with the right hormones so that you can finally feel calm and relaxed again. Workouts can do a lot, but we also need to remember that sometimes a combination of efforts is what we need. Understanding our own inherent weaknesses in terms of relaxing is critical. There’s a lot of sleep tech out there at the moment with a range of earthing products like mattresses and pillow covers and sleep mats, as well as meditation machines.
Learning to relax is one of those things that gets easier than you practice it so don’t think about trying to meditate for 20 minutes. even 5 seconds of relaxation at the very beginning is a quantifiable success!
Anxiety doesn’t have to floor you. You can fight the monster and win.
As we age and Get Older, our needs and capabilities change. To continue living independently and comfortably in your home, it’s essential to make adjustments that accommodate the physical and practical changes that come with ageing.
The right modifications and additions can improve your quality of life, whether by reducing the risk of falls or making day-to-day tasks easier. Here are the key things you need in your home as you get older to ensure safety, comfort, and convenience.
Stairlifts for Homes with More Than 1 Floor
Curved or straight stairlifts are a great addition to your home if you struggle with mobility issues and want a simple solution to keep or regain your home independence. They are a safe and convenient way to access different levels of your home, regardless of your staircase design. When browsing your options, make sure to compare our options to find out which would be most relevant. Options include:
Straight Stairlifts
Tailor-made curved stairlifts
Outdoor stairlifts
Hinged-rail stairlifts
Slimline stairlifts
Stairlifts for pets
Grab Bars and Handrails for Safety
The risk of falls increases as we get older, especially in areas like the bathroom and on stairs. Adding grab bars and handrails to your home can massively reduce the risk of accidents.
In the bathroom, install grab bars next to the toilet, in the shower, and near the bathtub. These provide something to hold onto for added stability when getting in or out. Non-slip mats in the shower or bathtub are also important to prevent slips.
Handrails on both sides of stairs and in hallways make it easier to navigate without losing balance. If you don’t already have handrails, adding them to your stairs can be a simple but effective way to improve home safety.
Non-Slip Flooring
Slippery floors are one of the most common causes of falls in the home. Consider replacing slippery tile or hardwood floors with non-slip flooring materials, or add non-slip rugs or mats in high-risk areas. Non-slip vinyl or rubber flooring is a good option for bathrooms, kitchens, and hallways, where spills or wet conditions are more common.
If you prefer carpets, opt for low pile piles to reduce the risk of tripping. Ensure that all rugs have rubber backing to prevent them from sliding out of place. These small adjustments can help make your home safer and more secure.
Good Lighting in Every Room
As we age, our vision can decline, making it harder to see potential hazards in the home. Adequate lighting is essential to prevent accidents and help you move around with confidence. Install bright lights in key areas such as hallways, stairs, and bathrooms.
Consider adding motion sensor lights in corridors or near the front door so you don’t have to fumble for a switch in the dark. It’s also a good idea to add night lights in bathrooms, bedrooms, and along hallways so you can navigate your home safely during the night without turning on harsh overhead lights.
Walk-in Showers or Baths
The bathroom is one of the most dangerous areas in the home for elderly people. Slippery floors, high bathtubs, and hard-to-reach fixtures can lead to accidents. Installing a walk-in shower with a built-in seat and low entry can make it much easier and safer to bathe.
If you prefer baths, a walk-in bath with a low step or an easy-to-access shower might be a better option. Adding grab bars and a shower seat can also improve safety and comfort. For those with limited mobility, a raised toilet seat is a great addition to make it easier to sit and stand.
Accessible Storage and Organised Spaces
As we age, reaching high shelves and bending down to access low storage spaces becomes more difficult. Make sure your home is organised in a way that makes everyday tasks easier. Keep essential items like food, toiletries, and medications within easy reach—either at eye level or on lower shelves.
You can install pull-out drawers in kitchens, so you don’t have to bend over to access pots and pans. Consider getting extendable or adjustable kitchen cabinets to ensure you can reach everything without overexerting yourself.
Emergency Alert Systems for Peace of Mind
For seniors living alone, an emergency alert system is an essential addition and these systems allow you to quickly call for help if you fall or have a medical emergency. Many systems come with wearable devices, such as a pendant or bracelet, that you can press to alert emergency services or a loved one.
Some alert systems even include fall detection, which automatically contacts emergency services if it detects a fall. This type of system is particularly helpful for seniors who may not always be able to reach their phone or activate an emergency device themselves.
Ergonomic Furniture for Comfort
Comfortable furniture can make a big difference in how you feel at home, especially as you get older. Ergonomic furniture that offers support for your back, knees, and joints can prevent strain and discomfort.
Look for chairs, sofas, and recliners that have good lumbar support, are easy to get in and out of, and feature armrests. Adjustable beds can also be a good investment to make sure you have a proper sleep posture and comfort throughout the night.
Technology for Independence
Technology can help make daily life easier for older adults, from smart home devices to medical alert systems. Smart thermostats allow you to adjust the temperature in your home without getting up, while voice-activated assistants like Amazon Alexa or Google Home can help with tasks like setting reminders or making phone calls.
For those with hearing or vision impairments, many devices can help improve accessibility, such as amplified phones, smart lighting, and alert systems that notify you when the doorbell rings or when someone is at the front door.
Why Are These So Important?
As we age, there are various reasons why we need additional facilities and features in our homes. Here’s how the above methods can help you:
Method
Reason
Stairlifts
Difficulty climbing stairs increases fall risk
Grab bars
Reduced balance
Non-slip flooring
Slippery floors
Clear pathways
Mobility issues make clutter hazardous
Grab bars
Reduced balance
Emergency alert systems
Sudden health emergencies
Improved lighting
Vision decline
Accessible storage
Limited mobility can make reaching difficult
Ergonomic furniture
Joint pain makes sitting and standing uncomfortable
Walk-in showers
Stepping into a bathtub is risky with mobility issues
Smart technology
Memory loss complicates tasks
Enjoy Your Home Safely
As you get older, your home should grow to meet all of your changing needs. From adding stairlifts and grab bars to installing non-slip flooring and good lighting, these adjustments can improve safety, accessibility, and comfort. If you make these changes, you can continue living independently in a home that supports your health and well-being.
Whether it’s a walk-in shower or an emergency alert system, there are many options available to help you age gracefully and safely in your own home. Make sure to consider your unique needs, and don’t hesitate to make modifications that will allow you to continue enjoying your home for many years to come.
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