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If things go wrong, like me losing my whole website one day, I panic. I am pre-dispositioned to act like this. Whilst my anxiety will never go away, I can put tools in place to manage it. I now have to find ways to balance the blog and my anxiety levels.
The excitement of starting a blog means I wanted everything to be perfect and I was eager to upload several posts and progress the blog as quickly as I could.
Pick your battles and only trade your energy where you believe it is worthy.
Like other young families, I have some time management issues. Working around childcare, having a messy hubby, housework, learning a million new things at once, I have struggled with also fitting in self-care. In my free moments, I’m always asking myself whether I should work on the blog instead of resting. I need to remember that I’m still in a recovery period following a mental breakdown, and whilst writing for this blog and speaking out about mental health is helping me, it’s about taking it one day at a time.
It’s lovely to be part of the mental health blogging community. Having like-minded people who know how you feel is amazing, so thanks to everyone who offers me support on a daily basis. Becoming a blogger is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
So brave of you to share your experiences with others. I hope that you get the help you need to overcome your anxiety.
Tips on how I am currently managing my anxiety levels
Naps
I know I talk a lot about naps on the blog, but they do so much good. My anxiety is worse when I’m tired and therefore I must take time to rest if I don’t want other areas of my life to get out of control.
Brushing off the insignificant things
Naturally, when you suffer a mental breakdown and are going through redundancy, you identify the things in life that simply don’t matter. And you train yourself to not care or use your precious energy on this particular thing in life. Pick your battles and only trade your energy where you believe it is worthy.
Medication
I am still taking anti-depressants and intend to continue doing so for as long as I need them. There is no shame in this, despite the stigma still surrounding the issue.
Without medication, I wouldn’t have been able to get to a place where I could start recovery or let myself heal. Think about a pot on your broken arm or pain medication whilst a sprained ankle is healing. You wouldn’t be able to even begin the healing journey without these measures. Mental health is no different. My hope is that by speaking out, the perception will change.
Not stessing out about things outside my control
I’ve come to realise there are more factors outside our control in our lives than the ones we can do something about. I previously worried about other people and changing things. I don’t anymore.
It’s sometimes easier said than done and I will be honest, at the moment I still have the same reaction to difficult life circumstances. The difference now is, I stop to think about whether it’s the correct reaction and I evaluate this before proceeding.
Organising things inside my control
Before pregnancy, when everything kind of fell apart, I had standing orders set up to make bill payments and I was super organised. I am now trying to find some sort of middle-ground. In this middle-ground, the automatic stuff like money, shopping lists, meal planning is taken care of. This leaves time for the more enjoyable elements of life.
I am still working on the plan and hope to have it resolved soon. My family and I can then look forward to a bright future and concentrate on living life.
Working on the blog when it suits me
To clarify, I work at least 3-4 hours daily on the blog, and during the first three months, it was a lot more. Because I have a little one to entertain during the day, I usually work early in the mornings and late at night.
The point here is, I am free to do special things with the little one during the day. We have just started visiting soft play areas and going swimming regularly. This is the reason I would like to turn my blogging passion into a full-time job, eventually. I can then achieve my dream of finally having a work-life balance.
Vowing to never return to what caused my stress in the first place
Long work hours
Pressure to hit targets
The office environment
Significant travel time to work
All the above are things I can control and make adjustments to in my life. I now have the confidence to achieve a future job role or self-employed status which means I don’t have to put myself through this anymore.
For me, any of these factors may cause me to get to breaking point again. It’s now about creating a happy, healthy future and avoiding the impact on my mental health.
Final thoughts
I hope this post has given you some insight on why I started the blog in the first place and how I am managing all elements of life with very little time.
I know these issues impact many families. I would love to hear from you in the comments below. You are not alone.
I thought it was time to share my mental health-related posts so far.
As I started this blog due to a decline in my mental health and because I wanted to help other people. I thought it was a good time to reflect on the mental health-related topics I have covered so far.
August 2021
I released my first post on 12 August 2021. Obviously, a lot of work went on behind the scenes prior to this date. These were the mental health-related posts I released during August 2021:
I still feel incredibly privileged to be speaking about my journey and receiving feedback about the fact this is helping other people. It makes my heart smile.
I’ve saved some of the amazing feedback I’ve received. The reason for saving it is because I feel overjoyed at the incredible support I’ve received from the blogging community. THANK YOU, FELLOW BLOGGERS.
Wow. Tough topic. Had a discussion on this with my in-law, whose opinion it was that we have to move with the times and get kids as young as 3 savvy to technology. I love your stance on this. Sadly only time will tell how much tech, will affect today’s kids.
Honestly, the Twitter blogging community have kept me going during tough times and I am thankful to be part of such an amazing group of people. Shall we share some more love??
I am discussing the negative aspects of office culture today because I spent most of my career in an environment which for most of those years was friendly, inviting, and accommodating. At times, it was also hectic, stressful, and sometimes negative. The negative aspects certainly took a toll on my mental health.
Naturally, when redundancies are announced, the lead-up to this happening, usually means staff don’t experience the same support they once did and there is a negative vibe. Even if this just stems from a feeling that something is not quite right.
I hear all too frequently about managers getting away with treating staff poorly and I’m hoping this is something that will change.
The pandemic and how this impacted negative aspects of office culture
The pandemic certainly made us all stop, take stock of our lives and assess the important aspects. We were literally forced to do this because we couldn’t go anywhere. Those who had thrown themselves into work and other distractions were suddenly forced to spend time at home. Family time was essentially forced upon us and I personally came out the other side thinking it wasn’t such a bad thing.
Whilst I’m sure everyone has had a completely unique experience, there is no denying we’ve all had some thinking time to assess our priorities.
Regardless of the impending redundancy, I look back on these toxic workplace traits as something I just could never allow into my life again. As an introvert and empath with high anxiety levels, I will be looking for a future job role that involves helping people, a charity, a small business and will probably never want to work for a large company ever again. Unless they are amazing (side note – I’ve seen pictures on Linkedin where some big companies are giving wonderful goodie bags to new starters – I think I’ve been in the wrong job!).
Continue reading for a list of the main toxic traits I witnessed in the workplace…
Buzzing around like the world was going to end
This is top of my list for negative aspects of office culture. I don’t know if our managers just didn’t have a clue what they were doing, or drank 10 cups of coffee that morning. But each day there would be a panic-like buzz. Whispering in the middle of the office, taking one another into meeting rooms.
Watching this take place was stressful. The body language created a sense of impending doom. What announcement will they land on us today? What could possibly be that bad all this energy is required? I still ask myself what was so urgent.
On the days I worked 12 hours, I had no home life. I couldn’t function or speak, barely ate, and pretty much went straight to bed for not enough hours before the next workday. This isn’t good for anyone’s mental health, especially when you’re contracted to work 7 hours.
Bullying
I worked in office environments whilst at University. Since then, I’ve unfortunately witnessed bullying. Mainly from managers to employees, but also between employees. Some of it is unconscious bias or someone said, not intending to hurt another individual, but it still happens.
I hear all too frequently about managers getting away with treating staff poorly and I’m hoping this is something that will change.
Not understanding our work-life balance
For years, it’s been quietly expected I will ‘get the job done’. This sometimes meant 12 hour days (I get paid to work 7 hours), working weekends, and doing constant overtime weekly for periods of up to 18 months.
A work pattern like this suggests something isn’t working, better organisation and management are required. It takes its toll on staff and I am hoping since the pandemic, it’s something that will be addressed by companies. You don’t have time for life when you’re working 12 hour days, 5 days a week.
In my career, generic statements were used to guilt people into working more than they should – statements like:
you get paid a lot
we need everyone to chip in and help out
once we get past this busy period, things will be better
On the days I worked 12 hours, I had no home life. I couldn’t function or speak, barely ate, and pretty much went straight to bed for not enough hours before the next workday. This isn’t good for anyone’s mental health, especially when you’re contracted to work 7 hours.
The clique
You’ve probably all experienced this. For me, it’s the ultimate negative aspect of office culture. The manager’s clique or certain employees being favoured because they are friends with managers.
I find it so cringe to think about this now! But it impacts employees in offices up and down the country. What about people missing out on opportunities because of this culture?
It reminds me of mean girls or the cool group at school and everyone else is excluded. Just stop it already!
Bad management
What do they say? Poop rolls downhill in offices. Well, I use the same logic for bad management.
If the person at the top doesn’t know what they are doing, is inexperienced, or frankly, they don’t care, it stands to reason that poor decision making will be a factor and generally employees will have a lack of direction.
I’ve experienced this on many occasions. This isn’t good for anyone’s mental health.
I must also mention I’ve had some amazing, understanding managers as well. The point is, you shouldn’t have to class yourself lucky if you get a good one.
Culture of being afraid to speak up
I know many colleagues who have been afraid to speak up on these issues, for fear of being viewed a certain way by colleagues or risk of losing their job. This is unacceptable and I hope office culture changes in this respect.
Mental health in the workplace
I think this is a good time to talk about how mental health in the workplace can be improved.
From what I see, businesses are starting to incorporate mental health training. My hope is that soon, every manager up and down the country will have the same standard of mental health training and companies will adopt separate absence policies for dealing with people who have suffered from poor mental health. Especially when this poor mental health is linked to workplace stress. After already suffering from mental struggles, you don’t need work pressure added to this burden when you return.
I hope we see change. I am sure you will see me writing about this topic in another future blog post.
Final thoughts
Have you experienced negative aspects of office culture? I would love to hear your experiences in the comments?
Do you think office culture is improving since the pandemic?
If you are following my blog, you will know I am all about self-care and I am beginning to put tools in place to manage my anxiety moving forward. I need some help to inspire and motivate, and I am sure you do too.
A technique I have already started using is affirmations. I’ve always had quotes on my walls and in my daily planner to motivate me, but I now intend to go further than this and say these affirmations to myself, out loud, to literally change my way of thinking and become more positive. I’ve spent too long living in the negative.
You can imagine I was over the moon when Mål Paper asked me to review their affirmation cards. Please check them out.
PLEASE NOTE – this is a review of the product and all thoughts and opinions are my own.
Details about the brand
Mål Paper also takes inspiration from the Scandinavian minimalist and clutter-free way of living. As a result, we create simplistic and effective productivity tools that help you to focus on your wellness, fulfilment and potential.
Our collection of products has been designed and produced to foster positive daily habits – with the end result of a happier, calmer and more productive way of living.
You’ve seen my recent post, which includes some gratitude quotes and positive affirmations.
What a perfect time for me to be gifted these amazing affirmation cards. I was so excited when they arrived and I feel grateful to have another tool to combat my anxiety.
Why I am changing the way I live my life
I have a child now and the main motivation is setting a good example and being a supportive participant in my family. When suffering from severe anxiety in the past, I’ve pushed everyone away, including my long-suffering hubby.
How can I possibly be on this journey of discovery and not see it through until the end? My eyes have been opened and I know what the problems were in the past. That said, I also know a cognitive behavioural change doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes hard work.
Because I’m predispositioned to suffering from anxiety issues, due to my personality traits, I also have to work harder than most other people to maintain a good standard of mental health.
Why it’s vital I finally put tools in place to manage my mental health
I personally believe wanting to change your life isn’t enough. The research says we must rewire our brains, create new habits, and really put in some hard work in order to change for good.
This will take daily work, probably for the rest of my life. Therefore it’s time to put tools in place so it doesn’t feel like hard work. On tough days it’s also important for me to have a solid reminder about why I actively changed my life for the better.
Through my blog, I also want to help inspire and motivate other people. I am doing this by discussing my honest reality of living with a mental illness and my journey to recovery.
Some cards which resonate with me
We are all at different stages in our life journey and I am starting to learn everyone you meet is unique. We are shaped by our personality, past experiences and therefore different techniques will be needed based on the person you are.
I was excited to receive and open the pack of cards and I also had fun taking photos (maybe my photography skills will improve the more I do it!).
These are some of the cards I was drawn to initially…
1.
What an amazing quote. It resonates with me because I am trying to carve out the life I’ve always wanted. A balance between work and family time. Being my own boss would be the ultimate dream. I am doing this by creating new, healthy routines. Therefore this is one card I will use the most.
2.
I was drawn to this card because I am in the process of healing. Maybe I always will be. I intend to use the power of my mind to my advantage, instead of fighting against it. These are words I can definitely relate to.
Final thoughts
I intend to use this pack of cards daily. I love that they are compact and handy to carry around or dot around the house. They will allow me to visualise positivity, as well as say it out loud. What a great prompt.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential to recovery. In this post, I will explain how I forgave myself.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It allows us to learn from the past, but it can also trick us into believing we should have done something to help our past selves sooner than we did. Even though I believe in fate, I believe someone is watching over me and guiding me through life, I still make comments to myself and others about how I let these dreadful things happen to me.
It takes serious hard work and possibly a life-changing event to fully realise the bad habits you’ve created in your life. You listened to anxiety and created your life around it, rather than replacing it with positive thoughts and taking control of your own life. It’s a pretty heavy discovery to make. You weren’t living to your full potential.
You don’t consciously think about it. You don’t have time to think with the negative anxiety thoughts going through your head every minute of every day. It’s too much to expect someone to transform their lives under these conditions.
It’s important to clarify, I don’t actually believe in my rational brain that anyone can control toxic anxiety. It controls you. By toxic anxiety, I mean the type that rules your life and changes your behaviour. It takes serious hard work and possibly a life-changing event to fully realise the bad habits you’ve created in your life. You listened to anxiety and created your life around it, rather than replacing it with positive thoughts and taking control of your own life. It’s a pretty heavy discovery to make. You weren’t living to your full potential.
BUT the point is, you had no control and probably a lack of awareness about what was happening to you.
Mental health issues like this often come with a whole host of other negative side feelings. Shame because you sit on the toilet crying at work, or crumble in meetings. Guilt because you push people away. Embarrassment because you took it out on the wrong person. The list goes on.
Living in denial
Before exploring how I forgave myself, we need to rewind time.
I personally became so enthralled in hiding what was really going on, it was normal to me. I didn’t even really know I was hiding it. You don’t consciously think about it. You don’t have time to think with the negative anxiety thoughts going through your head every minute of every day. It’s too much to expect someone to transform their lives under these conditions.
The catalyst for me changing my way of life really was breaking point. I had a milder breaking point during pregnancy. Not that any of them are mild at all. I just took some annual leave from work and nobody knew. Hell, I didn’t even know it was called antenatal depression until recently. How can we change if we don’t understand what’s happening to us?
It didn’t just take the breakdown, but it was also the added pressure of redundancy and being off on long-term sick from work for mental health.
Naturally, when this happens, you reevaluate and ask what got you to this point. How did I get here? What can I do to prevent this in future? It’s like I was forced to acknowledge my situation. But it involved me literally deciding the last 15 years hadn’t worked and I should try something new.
It isn’t even this simple. Amongst the darkness of getting over a breakdown, where you literally struggle to get out of bed. You can’t breath due to severe anxiety, or get yourself motivated. You inevitably start asking big questions your mind can’t really deal with.
Where am I in the recovery process now?
For me, this process resulted in anger and I discuss my setbacks in this post and this post.
At this point, even during a phased return to work, I am still a work in progress and I am not fully healed.
Bearing all of this in mind, you can easily see how feelings about why you’ve let yourself suffer for so long creep into your mind. Maybe it’s a natural human instinct to do this.
Why is forgiving yourself essential to recovery?
It leads me to why forgiveness is absolutely essential to recovery. And how I forgave myself.
I am not the person I was before, I feel a change. How can you be the same person you were before this life-changing event? Of course, you transform into something different. This is what trauma does to a human being.
I’ve had two huge life changes in a short period of time, just after the pandemic: redundancy and a mental breakdown. But I’ve survived and you can too.
Forgiving your past self is one of the big steps in facilitating change.
How to practice self-forgiveness and look after yourself
This post has some really useful tips for self-forgiveness.
I personally want to keep doing all of the following…
Connecting with other people
Whether it’s online, for the blog. Walking to nursery and saying good morning to someone, or going out with friends. Connecting with other human beings has been one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done since my breakdown. I intend to keep making connections. Other people can add perspective to our lives and make us realise our past lives weren’t actually all that bad.
Talking about my experiences
Starting the blog was one of the main things that got me through a difficult time. I can’t really put it into words, but I felt compelled to set up the blog. Like someone was sending me a sign I just couldn’t ignore. Like it was my purpose in life to help others. And every single day from now on, this is what I intend to do.
It helps me to forgive my past self, because I am using the experiences I was once ashamed of to write. And these posts are helping others. How can I regret my past actions if this is the case?
Realising what is important in life
It sometimes takes a terrible experience. Maybe even years of getting it wrong, to realise the right way. I am thankful this horrible year has made me realise family is the most important thing and everything else I do in life should be centered around them.
I can now create a life with a good work-life balance and remember to enjoy every moment I get with family and friends.
Maybe it took my past experiences to get me to this place. Maybe I should be thankful to my past self, rather than believe forgiveness is required.
Final thoughts
I hope you liked this post on how I forgave myself.
Let me know what you think in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
I originally wrote this open letter to my anxiety post with a guest post opportunity in mind. But, instead, I decided to share it in the lead up to World Mental Health Day 2021
I am finally telling the negative voice in my head it doesn’t rule my thoughts and it has to go…
Anxiety,
I am writing to you, but not as a dear friend. Instead, as a goodbye! Yes, you will remain in healthy amounts and you will be managed when you become unruly.
But you will never again destroy my life as you have done for so many years. You’ve taken up rent-free space in my brain for too long now. Making me believe your negative jibes.
You made me pretend I was just a difficult person, that you were part of my personality, I was highly strung and you made me lie to the people closest to me to cover up our toxic partnership. I suffered in silence and my family never understood my erratic behaviour, until now. Honesty has made your existence worth nothing. You have no hold over me now. I am taking control of my mind. It’s mine, not yours.
I cut friends out of my life, partly due to the fears you poured into my head. I might have outgrown these friends anyway, but we will never know now.
Being in a better place mentally is wonderful and I finally feel free. On the other hand, it brings with it hindsight and looking over past decisions I’ve made. Your hold over me tarnished my life and stopped me from achieving some goals. Again, maybe these achievements were meant for me and maybe they were not.
Luckily, I am a strong-minded person. Therefore, I achieved my main goals in life. I got a degree, I had a career and I now have a wonderful husband and baby girl. To clarify, your presence made each of these tasks excruciating and painful to bear. It was difficult to get through each one of these achievements, but I did it, all whilst you lingered in the shadows, dragging me down.
I acted irrationally during what should have been the happiest times of my life. I saw situations through a negative lens because of you polluting my thoughts. I genuinely thought I was worthless, inadequate, not good enough to achieve my goals, be a good friend, wife, or mother. You made me believe I was nothing.
You made me spend years soul-searching, lost, lonely, and not knowing which direction to go in. Thankfully, my intuition is on point and I have my angels looking over me! Despite your poison, some higher power was guiding me through life, looking out for me.
I’ve already said goodbye to your ugly, negative vibes and gradually made progress in my recovery over the last few months. This letter is to cement this idea. To finally tell you to go away. You are being replaced with positive thoughts only and if you do creep back in, it won’t be for long. My toolbox of strategies will ensure you are quickly eradicated. Exterminated, gone!
Anxiety, you have been evicted. Banished to a locked box in a dark cave, so you can’t infect anyone else. I will never need you again. Stay locked away and allow me to reach my full potential in life.
Goodbye…
I hope you liked my post…
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this blog post, you can seek support here.
You can also read more about my mental health journey here.
You can read more of my blog posts in the mental health category here…
All right, who made up routines, and why were they imposed upon us?? Relaxing our routine was the best thing I did!
I get that some people need routine and this is fine if it’s what motivates you. I will probably be in need of a routine when I return to work, but for now, it’s time to not be so stringent. It’s time to relax and try a different way. We want to be less stressed as a family and I can change this by making a few adjustments.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Personally, I’ve spent at least 15 years working my backside off, not having enough time to do anything and generally being stressed and anxious most of the time.
It was time for a change! Relaxing our routine was the only way forward.
The science behind routine…
Whilst there are a lot of articles out there discussing the benefits of keeping to a routine, there are also a lot discussing why it doesn’t work for some people. This article discusses the difference between a habit and a routine. Was it the case that I had picked up bad habits during my anxiety-fuelled years?
Regardless of the reason behind relaxing our routine and why it needed to happen, I decided it was time for a change.
Following a string of events: depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy, the pandemic, working from home, a toxic work environment due to impending redundancy. I’d had enough of my old way of doing life. It wasn’t working, and it was time for a change. After this series of events, it isn’t surprising I eventually had a mental breakdown. A person can only take so much before reaching a breaking point.
Because I was at rock bottom, what did I have to lose by changing the way we do things? Why not throw out our routine completely?
Baby routines
When our little one was a baby, we tried sleep routines, googling techniques, took advice from other parents. Despite this, she’s strong-willed and basically does what she wants!
She also lived her early years through the pandemic. A period of time in which all of our usual routines were turned upside down, taken away, or possibly changed forever. Children are resilient and as much as I worried about what impact the pandemic would have on her, it appeared to have none (I realise some children were impacted by the pandemic and it has greatly affected some people’s mental health).
What prompted me to change things
Relaxing our routine wasn’t easy. We have a hectic schedule, like any other family with a feisty toddler running around. Given our individual circumstances: me off work recovering from a breakdown (the hubby sprained his foot during this time also and had to recover), and our baby girl needing a break from me rushing her out of the door to value a job which ate my soul each day, I made the executive decision to break all family routines.
Routine, it’s time for us to have a break from each other… Maybe when I need you back, we can be friends again…
How relaxing our routine transformed our lives
In this new world of pleasing ourselves, we had a sleep-in when we wanted, I emailed the nursery to let them know we would be slightly late. I felt able to recover, finally, due to prioritising my rest. Who really cares if we do the nursery drop at 9.30 am instead of 8 am – nobody!
Why do we as human beings put so much pressure on ourselves to meet deadlines, run around in stress mode? Do we feel busier and more important because we are so strict with ourselves?
During our hiatus from routine, if I wanted to write on Google docs on my phone in bed late at night, that’s what I did. If I wanted to stay up until 2 am extracting ideas from my head, because this is the time I was the most creative, this is what I did.
The cleaning took a back burner. When I say took a back burner I mean, I went from a clean freak to probably completing the same level of cleaning as other normal people. I was finally one of those people, where if the dishes at the side of the dishwasher piled up, it wasn’t such a bad thing.
Moving forward
Now I’m further down the line in the process of my recovery from a mental breakdown, it might be time to start introducing some basic routines again, but slowly.
And to be honest, I don’t think I will ever adopt such stringent routines as the ones in my old life. They held me back, cut me off from thriving, and were created out of self-limiting beliefs.
In line with carving out a new, healthier path, there needs to be new rules and routines to abide by. After all, I am a different person now.
I am sharing the stark truth about anxiety with you today because this day happened in the middle of my recovery and it made me feel like I did when I was first signed off work following my breakdown. You can read more about my mental health journey here:
It’s important we talk about the stark truth of mental illness and we normalise having bad days, setbacks, and hiccups.
The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance.
How the day began
The stark truth is I woke up expecting to have a normal day (whatever “normal” is), then it all changed. I talk more about another setback in my recovery here.
We hadn’t paid a large bill which was immediately due and I knew I had to ask a family member to borrow money. This filled me with dread. After a text exchange with the family member in question, I felt even more dread. I felt inadequate, like a failure, because I was unable to pay my bills. Something I’d been good at before my breakdown.
This is no reflection on the texter, very valid points were made. Nothing they did was the cause of my anxiety. It’s me in my brain, getting so worked up I can’t come back from it. This is what anxiety does to you.
Following the sending of the text, I sat on the sofa in my own little world. The voices I’d kept at bay throughout my recovery period and setting up my blog, were back. With a vengeance. I was panicking waiting for the response, probably because I knew what it would be, but I also desperately needed the money.
My brain has a habit of reading a standard text reply and running away with itself. To a dark, dingy, damp place and the rest of the day then literally feels like I’m living in hell. It’s exactly what happened when I received the reply. The actual response was a caring one, which basically said I am getting to a place of borrowing more money than I could payback, and maybe it’s time to reassess.
I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy, when your in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
The rest of the day
It’s like the voice in my head was angry they had been ignored for so long.
I mustered up the energy to do the food shop and frankly needed to get out of the house. I still couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like an adult was sitting on my chest and I could have a heart attack at any point. These physical feelings lasted most of the day.
The supermarket was a bit of relief, but upon coming home my thoughts were elsewhere and I almost parked the car in a bush outside our house. I was irritable, moody, and not in the present moment with my family.
I had a telephone call planned with my workplace to discuss my recovery (approaching three months off work due to mental health), and this was playing on my mind as well. Although it went well and I felt better after, I gave in to the anxious feelings and had a real urge to text the manager, prior to the meeting and say I couldn’t talk. To run away, hide from life.
Winding down from anxiety
The toddler went down for her nap and so did I. I couldn’t sleep because I was too “switched on”. Thoughts racing, unable to breathe (I felt like this every day when I first stopped working!).
I ended up writing two blog posts on my phone. The thoughts were pouring out of my head. Working through how I was feeling really helped. Writing is therapeutic for me and starting the blog has definitely helped me to process my feelings. You can read more about my love of writing here.
I asked the hubby for a cuddle because I really needed one. Most of the day I felt empty, lost, exhausted. I cried upon receiving the cuddle. The best way to describe it is like a pang of joy when you are in the midst of hell. You feel unworthy of love and when someone gives it, it’s overwhelming.
After a nap, I felt a little better, but by this point, I was too exhausted to be properly present and could easily have returned straight to bed. Where I’m safe and life cannot hurt me. Wrapping myself up in the duvet and shutting the world out is a default when I feel like this.
For self-care tips on how I recovered from a breakdown, you can read my blog post here.
If you need help with a mental health-related problem, you can contact Mind.org.
Was this a setback?
This day happened in the middle of my recovery. It’s easy to believe this is a setback. Anxiety tells me it’s the worst thing in the world, I will never recover or be in a position to manage money.
The main purpose of this post is to let anyone suffering from severe anxiety issues, know it is fine to have bad days. If you suffered an ankle sprain years ago and walked 10 miles tomorrow, it would hurt, you would tell people and you would accept it as something that happens in life.
We need to adopt the same thinking when it comes to mental health.
There is hope
I want to ensure anyone reading this and feeling a similar way, knows there is hope.
A few months down the line, I feel miles better than I did at this moment. I am starting to manage money better and build up to a phased return at work.
I am slowly coming back to life and you can too!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I hope it helps someone out there.
The day I had my breakdown, I couldn’t communicate with my hubby on the phone. I was screaming, in a complete mess, making no sense. It crept up on me out of nowhere, like I’m sure it does when it happens to other people. The mind is a fragile and complicated organ.
Understanding the workplace conditions which led to my breakdown is vital for my recovery. I don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future.
It’s only now, 4 months on, I’m trying to make some sense of how I got to this point. Prior to this, I struggled to articulate anything, even down to the weekly shopping list or where we are going out for the day. It’s like someone pressed reset on my brain, but forgot to switch me back on.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
Why am I writing this post?
I want to write these feelings down and share them, to reassure anyone in this position you can do something to change your life circumstances if what you’re doing each day is causing you to be mentally unwell. Being aware of workplace conditions that can negatively impact your mental health is good practice.
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have a choice, but we all have a choice. We can live the life we want, with a mindset change and hard work. I won’t pretend it’s easy, it’s far from easy. But you can do it, and you will thank yourself for changing your circumstances.
I want to write this article to help others identify triggers and to also make myself accountable. Hopefully knowing what got me to this dark, horrible place, will prevent it from happening again.
However, I am aware and accept if this does happen again, I will hopefully have the tools to deal with it and get through the negative emotions, without allowing my brain to turn it into something bigger and more destructive. Easier said than done, I know.
Knowing the signs
Obviously, when it comes to mental illness, nobody can predict what might happen and it just creeps up on you. I really had no idea my breakdown would happen, prior to the day. Yes, I was tired and stressed, but this was my job and I’d felt like this on and off for several years. Why would I think this day would be any different?
Anxiety is also something I’ve suffered with throughout my life, but I’m working hard to put measures in place to reduce its impact on me in the future.
There was no warning for me of workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I thought the stress was normal, something I had to accept.
Other posts you may like to read in the mental health category
These are the stressors which I believe, over a prolonged period of time, led to my breakdown:
1. Work pressure
Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
I’ve dealt with work pressure for periods of time in the past, but never for such a prolonged period as during the pandemic.
We had a combination of poor management, a completely disorganised workload, a lack of care and direction about the work we were doing and, all of this whilst working at home through the pandemic. The working from home bit I loved. It suited me and I would personally love a future job role working from home on a permanent basis. It was the lack of communication and never knowing where I stood from one minute to the next that caused me huge amounts of anxiety.
We are going through a redundancy process at the moment. With this comes some toxic patterns and a lack of care from the powers that be, but what I experienced during the period of working from home sent me into full meltdown mode.
Over the year, there were a handful of mornings I was scared to open my laptop. That dreaded feeling of ‘oh no, what emails will be there this morning’. I mean, we all have this feeling sometimes, but this was a frequent thing. Imagine being in your own home and afraid to go near your laptop.
One morning an issue arose and emails were sent between departments, insinuating the mistake was mine, I was on the phone with a work colleague and afraid to return to my own house. This is unacceptable and contributed to my breakdown.
2. The disconnect between company ethos and our department
I would regularly see updates from the business and feel like I was reading about a completely different company. Their ethos sounded amazing, a place I would want to work. A place I would definitely feel supported. I, however, did not feel supported.
The reality within our department was a miscommunication to a level I’ve never experienced before. Nobody knew what direction we were going in and it was basically just a mess, where managers were scrambling to keep a hold of what was actually happening.
Several times, I felt like emailing Human Resources and making it clear I wasn’t experiencing the wonderful communications and benefits the company was announcing. But then I thought, what is the point? What will change if I do? I was also scared to speak up, which added to the anxiety I was already experiencing.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
3. No lunches or breaks
Because we were receiving around five emails daily, asking us to reach unachievable targets, this made me feel like I shouldn’t take breaks. I should get on with the job instead. I wanted to do a good job and I’ve always had that mindset as a person.
When your work tasks are completely unachievable and impossible to attain for such a long period of time, this can be soul-destroying. You never have a successful working day and after a while, you feel like a failure. Our targets sometimes changed from email to email, without adequate explanation, like they were made up. When you’re at home, you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, as you usually would do in the office, this made things harder.
Leads me nicely onto the next point…
4. Nobody to talk to
During the pandemic, we all missed face-to-face interaction with our colleagues. Communicating via text message and telephone, sometimes isn’t the same.
It was difficult to receive these emails and have nobody to ask how they felt about it. The point is, we shouldn’t have to ignore crappy emails from managers, but the reality is lots of people do.
Maybe, hopefully, communication from managers will improve following the pandemic. Surely we’ve all learned valuable lessons.
I now realise connections and communication with other human beings are vital for avoiding the negative workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. I am already making connections with other bloggers and organisations I would want to work for. This is something that helped me through my breakdown. You can read more about how I recovered here.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was confirmation I wasn’t going crazy.
5. The everything needs doing yesterday mentality
There was one manager who didn’t really listen to anyone. You know those people who talk at you and answer their own questions. And you feel like asking why they even bothered to contact you.
Even just this in Itself, makes you feel you’re not valued or listened to.
The direction coming from the top was “get this done yesterday”. I’d been used to this mentality for a few tasks a week and I can live with that. But when this applies to every task you’re working on, it’s too much! No amount of money is worth this stress.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure.
6. An impending doom
I’m quite an intuitive person and somehow I can predict things before they happen. It’s a subtle feeling and I will tell the people closest to me, this will happen today. I’m always 100% sure it will occur. I predicted the national lockdown announcement in the UK, three days before it happened and started preparing our family for it.
Therefore, this was one of the main workplace conditions which led to my breakdown. It was a constant niggling feeling and I just wanted to ask managers to let me know what was so bad and when it would be announced.
Whilst working from home, the daily disorganisation at work gave me a feeling something wasn’t right. I knew bad news would be announced, it was just a matter of when. Shortly after feeling like this, the doctor issued a sick note for workplace stress and anxiety, and the redundancies were announced.
I was correct in my thinking and although I wouldn’t wish redundancy on anyone, I felt better knowing my suspicions had been correct. It was the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t going crazy.
7. The threat of redundancy
Redundancy is a horrible process for anyone to go through and it can be life-changing, but it impacts someone suffering from mental illness completely differently. I am aware many people are impacted by this, following the pandemic and it makes me sad because I worry about the mental health of those going through the process.
As human beings, we like to know where we stand, and not knowing, or being able to plan ahead, make any life decisions, the constant worry about money, can all cause unnecessary pressure. Life is hard enough, without this added stress.
If you are impacted these issues
If you are impacted by any of the issues raised in this article, Mind.org has a page dedicated to the issue of redundancy and it’s packed full of useful information. GOV.UK is a site I consulted when our redundancies were first announced and I found it helpful. StepChange can help with your financial situation if you are struggling to make payments as a result of redundancy or any other issue.
Final thoughts
I would never solely blame one activity in life for causing a decline in my mental health. I’m a mummy to a toddler, we lived through a pandemic, were confined to our homes. None of these factors helped the situation.
My earlier blog post explains how we financially overcommitted ourselves. All these factors can contribute and the subconscious is a complex thing. I may never know the exact reason I had a mental breakdown. What I do know is I will never allow a job to consume me, I will try my hardest to seek out a role in the future where I can balance work and home life, and any future role must protect, not damage, my mental health.
That’s what I’ve learned and I want other people to know, you do have a choice.
Following a setback in my recovery, I wanted to share a piece of writing I did a few weeks ago when I was feeling pretty hopeless.
At present day, I am still not feeling 100%, but I am feeling a lot better than I did when I was first signed off work, four months ago, due to a mental breakdown.
I have come a long way in my recovery, but down moments can make you feel like you’re going backward in the recovery process. This is exactly what happened to me, at the time of recording the below thoughts.
The main message in my post today, is recovery isn’t linear and having down days along the way is no reflection whatsoever on the progress you’ve made up to this point.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Read on for my honest account of a setback in my recovery – written on a down day approx 3.5 months after my breakdown.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy
Diary entry
At the moment, I feel hopeless.
Recovery from a mental health condition isn’t linear. The part of my brain which deals with reality is aware of this fact. But the part of my brain living on another planet, in another realm, tells me I should be healed by now. Why all of a sudden do I feel like this?
I know exactly where these damaging thoughts came from. My conversation with an inexperienced doctor, who basically made me feel like I was lying in order to stay off work, and also asked me why I didn’t just quit my job (they are aware I’m going through a redundancy process at the moment). I left the conversation feeling worse than before it took place and some pretty insensitive things were said to me, at a time when I’m already in a vulnerable state and unable to deal with difficult conversations.
This, coupled with a delayed catch-up with work about how I’m doing. It literally took every ounce of energy I had to make the call and answer questions and they made me feel like I should return to work. I know it’s all part of the process.
Again, my intelligent brain tells me both these people have procedures and questions to tick off, but my anxiety brain is telling me lately, I will have to return to work and nobody will help me, even though I’m clearly not healed yet. Why are people forcing me to do something I don’t want to do? Something I am clearly not ready to do!
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is?
I feel angry, irritable, I am not in a sleeping routine or getting enough sleep and I am still unable to complete life tasks, like managing money, organising things, or concentrating for too long. How can I do my job when I am feeling this way?
I felt like this when I first left work due to my breakdown, and I feel like this again now. I’ve gone backward and the way I am feeling right now makes me ask myself whether I will ever be fully healed.
What does the new me look like? What does the future hold? It is uncertain right now. I just feel hopeless.
Up to now, I’ve done quite well in managing the ups and downs of depression. I’ve tried to remain positive and not let my anxiety brain take over, but it’s creeping back in.
I don’t feel happy, I feel like something is wrong with me. I wonder whether it’s all my fault. What did I do in the past to cause my brain to malfunction? What happened to me? How have I got to this point in my life?
In summary, because I am feeling this way, I think it’s now time to speak to a counselor or therapist. You can find details of therapists local to you here. This page also provides details of the support offered by Mind. Heads Together list charities they work with who offer support here.
Writing honestly about mental health for my blog naturally throws up a lot of feelings and I don’t think I know how to process them properly, without help. I will ask the doctor for some details and seek help.
I am also conscious leaving the former me behind is also part of a grieving process, mourning the old life I had. I will never be the person I was before: career-driven, highly motivated, willing to work all hours of the day, put up with bad management, or a toxic work environment.
This process has taught me too much about the damage that person causes herself. I have a toddler now, things have changed and I have to adjust my priorities to fit my current life circumstances.
When the redundancy process is finalised and this hell ends, it’s time to find a job I enjoy doing, where I’m helping people and balancing family life at the same time.
I would love to work from home on a permanent basis and be close to my family, in the event of emergencies or childcare issues. I will be actively looking for a supportive employer, a company that values mental wellbeing and family time. Up to now, I’ve been thinking about what I want moving forward and trying to manifest these things. At this moment in time, I am unable to be that positive person.
Before getting ahead of myself or wondering what the future holds, it’s time to put the work into my recovery. I don’t know who I will be on the other side of this, but I’m looking forward to meeting the new person I will become.
Right now, the reality I am living in every day couldn’t be further from how I actually feel inside. It’s like I know everything happening to me is part of the process, but I feel the complete opposite to how people are telling me I should feel at this point.
I want to shout out loud, there is no time limit on healing from a breakdown. So why are people insinuating there is? If you’ve had a setback in your recovery, there are details of charities that can help you below.
If you need help with a mental health related issue
Country Living writes a great article on various mental health charities helping people in the UK.
If you don’t feel like talking (I couldn’t communicate with anyone following my breakdown), you can use the shout text service.
There are also some further contact details for mental health charities on my if you need help page.
How do I feel at present day?
A few weeks down the line, I now accept I am ready to move on to the next stage of recovery. This will involve a phased return at work, possible adjustments to my working pattern to avoid this happening again to me in the future, and planning for my next career move, whilst awaiting much-needed redundancy updates.
In the meantime, I have apps, details for therapists, and books I need to read to aid my recovery. I will also continue to blog, as this is helping me process feelings.
Final thoughts
Every individual is different. I now realise a setback in my recovery isn’t as bad as my mind tells me it is. We all have triggers and our experiences and brain chemistry decide how we react to certain situations.
The way I was feeling when I wrote this diary entry, I was genuinely convinced I would never gain control of my life or have another good day in the future. But anxiety and depression lie to you.
I understand through experience what it means when someone says “recovery isn’t linear”. It means you will have days or weeks like this. Maybe it’s a natural thing that happens when you start to work through your emotions and understand what led you to this point.
My hope is anyone reading this, who is impacted by these issues, will realise better days came for me. And there is hope.
I am by no means healed, but I am on a journey of self-discovery and hopeful I can create a better future than the one I chose to live in previously.
The person I was before shortchanged herself. The future version of me deserves better and I intend to create a future that serves me and makes me happy.
Grab a cup of tea and read more blogs in the mental health category below
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