Quick note: Some of the links on this page are affiliate links; if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
I wanted to write a list of great books by people who’ve found creative ways to manage their anxiety levels. In addition to this, I will also be letting you know about some courses which are geared towards wellness.
Quick note: AD-AFF-GIFTEDSome of the links contained on this page are sponsored and affiliate links. If you go through an affiliate link to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be helpful for other people.
Shall we dive into the list of great resources to help you with managing anxiety?
Education – courses for managing anxiety
Charlotte Lewington
Charlotte is a bestselling co-author, educator and consultant helping children and young people to find their voice, be seen and feel validated. There is nothing she is more passionate about than making sure children know that they are loved and love themselves from the inside out. During her own childhood, Charlotte faced many struggles that only made her stronger. Through these experiences, she learnt that you can either sit down and cry about things or you get up and you move on. Learning the lesson being shown to you.
After 16 years of experience within different health and childcare settings, Charlotte gained a degree in psychology and is currently working towards a master’s degree in children and young people. Charlotte spends most of her time delivering training to nurseries, schools and organisations offering workshops and retreats relating to emotional well-being.
Her mission is to provide support in order to bridge the gap with the mental health crisis that we are currently experiencing.In between all this, you will often find charlotte travelling the world and making the most out of life.
You can view and purchase all of her courses on Udemy UK.
Please head over and check out her Facebook group – Children’s Mental Health Support for Parents & Educators | Facebook
She also offers
1-2-1 support sessions if anyone is feeling lost or finding the queen’s death a trigger. For anyone finding it challenging with children going back to school or children managing anxiety about anything, parents or carers can book a call. She is also currently looking for people to be involved in a book collaboration.
Miss M Online courses
I recently wrote about how important it is to nurture a business-minded child. And more importantly, teach essential life skills that are usually lacking in the mainstream school system. You can check out the full blog post here.
Well, it’s time to bring you the latest from this amazing platform. Check out some of the courses available below.
What’s the latest?
Why not check out the new business board game? What an amazing gift for a young person this Christmas!
Head over and check out all of their amazing learning resources. Maybe you want to buy the gift of learning for a loved one or friend this holiday season. You know someone who is currently managing anxiety and needs some assistance.
Books for managing anxiety
You can check out my page, dedicated to all things books! Feel free to browse the other book-related posts on my blog
Running For Our Lives is about how running helps people overcome life challenges and mental health struggles. It touches upon how it helped Rachel reclaim her identity after she became a mum. In addition, it contains human stories and experiences from ordinary people.
I knew this title would resonate with time on some level. But I was unprepared for how much I would feel an emotional connection to the stories. A literal pang in my heart because this journey of sharing our mental health struggles is also one I’ve been on myself. I couldn’t put this book down, thanks to honest writing. Not to mention, the sheer power of connection between human beings who have one shared cause.
“It enables us to silence the chimp and write another story for ourselves – one where things become possible.”
“Perhaps it is you seeing the tiniest chink of light in a very dark place, discovering that you have a new friend in the world – one whom you have never met.”
The Cold Fix is about the healing power of cold water immersion in overcoming physical and mental pain. Or anguish including osteoarthritis, seasonal sadness, migraines, alcoholism and overthinking. It’s about growing older and exploring new opportunities; menopause, body image and confidence.
My thoughts
When reading the book, my initial thought was that I was intrigued as to why people do this and I find it fascinating that such an extreme activity can help someone mentally.
I particularly like the sensory and meditative experience which comes with this technique. It feels similar to how I probably feel when doing meditation.
“Coming here on my own had indeed added a risk factor, but it had also motivated and driven me to climb, literally, out of my comfort zone and rediscover a world that had been out of my reach for too long”
“The cold water has given me the key to unlock myself within a place I didn’t know existed: the community of cold-water swimmers right around the world. What binds us all together is the cold and how it makes us feel: brave enough to tackle even the toughest of life’s issues.”
Stand Up Paddleboarding is a guide to paddle boarding. However, Jo explains the sport has got her through grief, anxiety and empty nesting. It’s brought her identity back outside her roles as a mother, daughter, sister, and friend. And her commitment to the environment has strengthened. Back in 2019, she became the first woman aged 54 to stand up paddleboard coast to coast across northern England. Picking up litter and raising money for environmental charities.
My thoughts
The most striking thing about this book is the great images of places to visit. You feel transported there, and it’s wonderful. You are experiencing an adventure alongside reading about Jo’s story. There is a real variation in locations across the UK and I was glad to see some near where we live. It also makes me want to visit the places I haven’t visited and take in the scenery for myself.
The book also includes practical tips on how to get started, if you’re interested in starting your stand-up paddle-boarding journey
“A chance to walk on water, and I hope, appreciate that we all belong there too.”
He has recently been writing for some projects, aiming to help young people with their mental health. If you follow my blog, you will know I am totally on board with this. The current cost of living situation we are facing in the UK is only going to increase mental health problems among young people. Ultimately, it is up to us to raise awareness.
One is about how becoming guise-wise can really help reduce the mental health issues of young people (and not so young!)
Why? Because so many are the result of comparing ourselves to others, often obsessively, and to a disproportionate emphasis on relatively minor or very specific but not all-defining differences. Young people are especially prone to these practices. Supposing I’m a teenager preoccupied with my gender identity. Maybe I suspect I’m different in this respect from most of my friends. At one time, gender identity was not an issue for all but a tiny number of kids. Now it’s an issue for a lot, but that’s not the main point. The main point is that if I am a teenager with gender identity concerns then part of that will involve placing myself on a spectrum of gender gradations. I’m defining myself by what I am not and I’m probably defining my whole self primarily in terms of gender identity markers. This means that I’m not foregrounding all the many things I share with my peers – other aspects of identity, beliefs, preferences, interests and hosts of others that I share with everybody on the planet. Rather, I’m over-focusing on one thing that’s distinctive about me, one particular difference.
Becoming-Guise-Wise: How to dissolve the mental health issues of the young – Dr Michael Waters
The other is about making commonality-first, not difference-first how we should best respond to others – this would be the best legacy for the Queen since this is what she did in her life
She experienced diversity, more than anyone who has ever lived. No one else has been up as close and personal to such a variety of individuals in such a variety of settings. No one else has had more first-hand experience of as many different social and cultural groups. Who else has made official visits to over 117 countries and carried out over 21,000 official engagements, to say nothing of walkabouts and other unscripted exchanges? It’s also clear that she cared deeply for many of those to whom the word “diversity” is usually applied – minorities and the marginalised.
The Queen’s Legacy: Commonality-First – Dr Michael Waters
Workbooks for managing anxiety
I had to share the workbooks that personally helped me with managing anxiety, during the down periods in my life. I still have these on the shelf by my workspace. They proved to be so beneficial in my time of need.
My Bookshelf at home
Final thoughts
I hope you found these tools for managing helpful anxiety. Maybe a book you want to purchase something for yourself or a loved one?
Let me know your favourite book or course – I would love to hear from you in the comments.
Recent posts on the blog
Feel free to check out some of the other posts on my blog:
My battle with perinatal anxiety & depression was a long and scary journey.
Throwing hormones into the mix, along with a history of managing anxiety-related issues and panic attacks, was probably always going to be a recipe for disaster. But pregnancy was the point in my life when I finally needed help. Of the medicated kind.
The factors at stake for me during pregnancy were not only the worries related to the actual pregnancy, but risks to my sanity, family, income-earning ability, and my job role.
let’s look at the definition of perinatal:
Perinatal mental health (PMH) problems are those which occur during pregnancy or in the first year following the birth of a child. Perinatal mental illness affects up to 27% of new and expectant mums and covers a wide range of conditions.
As a result of working full-time, I put a lot of additional pressure on myself. It’s fair to say I wasn’t exactly working for a business where having kids was fully supported. I think this is improving, but there is still a lot of work to do in the corporate world. Women shouldn’t have to choose between having children or succeeding in a career. Businesses need to ensure both options are achievable.
Although I know my mushy brain raised red flags at work, it was too early to announce the pregnancy. We were still within the three-month period, and to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know, because I thought it made me look weak.
Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
Working full-time during pregnancy and having pre-existing anxiety issues was a lot to deal with. I hope telling my story will be of some benefit to you.
In this post, I will cover the following topics:
What is antenatal depression
My backstory
The pivotal moment I knew I needed help
Antidepressants
How I think mental health services for women during pregnancy could be improved
Why are women still afraid to speak out on mental health matters?
Techniques that helped me through
What the experience taught me
Mummy comes second
Often, we neglect our own mental health to be a mummy. Self-care comes bottom of the list and there aren’t enough hours in the day to complete every task on the never-ending list. I found out the hard way. You don’t realise you’re neglecting yourself until it’s too late. At this point, the damage is already done.
From my own experience, health services need to be more proactive in respect of pre-pregnancy mental health problems. There is a lot of information and help out there relating to postnatal mental health problems. But my experience didn’t fit into this category. It made me feel like this was supposed to happen to me after I had the baby, not now. Surely? Why was this happening now?
Looking back, the impact of this shameful thinking only made matters worse. I was afraid to speak out and visit the doctor, for fear someone would think I was an unfit mother. The anxiety talking in my head would tell me, you can’t look after yourself, how can you look after a baby?
I’ve also found these resources for anyone who needs to read more on the subject. You can filter by area and will see a range of therapists, charities, and support groups.
Please read on for the full story of my battle with antenatal depression…
My backstory
I was two months into the pregnancy when I started feeling the symptoms listed in this article:
I was at work full time, struggling with the office-environment heat. Eating properly was just not happening, due to a constant sicky feeling (I felt permanently sick throughout pregnancy but was never actually sick!). I was far away from the toilet and needed to pee every 20 minutes – you get the picture. I actually lost weight over the course of my pregnancy, due to not getting enough nutrients.
My hormones and worries made it incredibly difficult to concentrate on my work tasks and I became paranoid that I was unable to do my job. I was seeking reassurance from a management team, who were used to me just getting on with things, however difficult the task was. Although I know my mushy brain raised red flags at work, it was too early to announce the pregnancy. We were still within the three-month period. And to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know, because I thought it made me look weak.
We need our tribe
A mental health specialist once made the point, the people we refuse to tell during this three-month period are the very people we would need if something unforeseen was to happen. This has stuck with me, and it’s true. In the future, I probably wouldn’t open up in the workplace, unless I felt comfortable in doing so. But I would definitely let my friends and family in, sooner than I did before. They are the tribe you need around you, at such a testing time in life. It takes a village and all that jazz (it really does BTW – safety in numbers with toddlers, hehe).
The pivotal moment I knew I needed help
I tried to plod along for a bit. We had a holiday planned (pre-planned before pregnancy). And I remember spending every waking moment of the getaway fixating on work and the conversation I’d had with a manager before leaving. The manager in question was trying to gauge why I was being so mushy in the brain (baby brain is real people). I wasn’t really capable of communicating verbally at that point and therefore, it was all a bit of a mess.
The damage caused by keeping these feelings to yourself at such a vulnerable, unpredictable time in life, is colossal. Then going through possibly the worst trauma of your life and trying to look after a small baby who is totally relying on you. It’s a lot to cope with. And we should be able to open up about it without fear.
It’s fair to say my worries, and anxiety levels about being bad at my job, pretty much ruined my experience on holiday. As much as I told myself to put the thoughts out of my head, they would come back. Even trying to forget about the drama at work was exhausting.
Upon my return from holiday, I booked an appointment with the doctor. What I experienced during my appointment didn’t help me at all. They were reluctant to prescribe antidepressants during pregnancy and were unable to explain why. I was left to muddle through at work and I am sure you can all imagine, things worsened. My mental health was in serious decline and I didn’t know what to do.
Why it’s vital to reach out for help
The situation wouldn’t improve until I had the help I needed. My instinct told me this was the case, but I felt like the doctors were not listening to me. This resulted in me worrying and playing out situations in my head, which only fuelled the negative anxious thoughts I was already having. When you’re at your most vulnerable, you shouldn’t have to fight to access mental health services and the solutions you need.
I knew I needed medication at this point. Something to help me out of a black hole. So I could focus on growing a child and balancing the pressures of daily life.
Around this time, I also experienced very rude reception staff when trying to make appointments. I was speaking to them following a few hours of sleep, worrying all night and I just needed help. I ended up crying down the phone twice and I honestly don’t think they are adequately trained to deal with people experiencing mental health problems.
Complaining to the GP
I made a complaint and left the doctor’s surgery, following an incident where they asked me to visit reception. I nearly had a panic attack and was afraid to approach the reception desk due to the treatment I’d received previously. I didn’t need rude people dealing with my care, on top of my existing need for help and my current, very fragile mental state.
Talk about adding to my mum-guilt. Making an expectant mother feel like they are harming their unborn child, by seeking out medication to help both parties.
Mind.org provides a lot of useful information about taking anti-depressants during pregnancy. When I was in the midst of trying to convince a doctor to prescribe the medication I required (it’s ridiculous I even have to write this in a blog post), I wish someone had provided me with the information I needed to make my case.
The doctor’s viewpoint on medication during pregnancy
I was asked to go away and try other techniques to avoid medication and the doctor insinuated, had I been on medication before pregnancy, it would be fine to continue taking it. Talk about adding to my mum guilt. Making an expectant mother feel like they are harming their unborn child, by seeking out medication to help both parties.
Waiting in limbo for a solution
I personally spent two months in limbo, before finally receiving medication, which eventually helped. Including the adjustment period, I would estimate I spent five months of a nine-month pregnancy suffering, unnecessarily. Antidepressants take a while to start working, and initially, you have some pretty severe side effects. I was already walking around like a zombie and new medication didn’t help the situation.
Based on my experience, I know we need to change the system to avoid negative outcomes at a time in life where a woman should be happy and thriving.
I was desperately trying to find a solution to ease the pressure. My mental health issues impacted my well-being, my job, my relationship. In addition to the confidence, I had to be a good mother. Also, my ability to buy things for the baby and it made the whole experience pretty grim.
A difficult pregnancy
I look back on my pregnancy now and don’t remember having one good day. I probably did, but I was plagued with uncontrollable anxiety and depression. As well as trying to manage all other areas of life.
It’s definitely had a bearing on my decision to have another child. I have anxiety about what another pregnancy would be like. Would I be a mess again, unable to cope, or worse this time? Whilst also trying to care for a toddler. I also don’t have much faith I would get help from a doctor if I needed it. And I know a lot of other people who feel like this.
The research on taking antidepressants whilst pregnant
From conducting my own research, I was only able to find one study which mentioned the medication I was on. And how it could have an impact on an unborn baby. Surely, I thought, having a healthy mother is vitally important. Given the way I was dealt with by the doctor, I expected to find endless studies backing up the reluctance to prescribe the medication, but that just wasn’t the case.
How I think mental health services for women during pregnancy could be improved
Whilst in hospital Let’s just talk for a second about how calling anyone with anxiety issues, ‘difficult’, can be extremely damaging in itself. It made me feel like an inconvenience, like I wanted to go home straight away.
Unfortunately, the health service is understaffed, and staff do not have time to speak to you one on one and deal with your anxiety issues. Whilst the people caring for me were lovely, salt-of-the-earth people, who were clearly meant to be in this job. I still felt like a burden.
Traumatic experiences during my stay on the postnatal ward
I remember the morning after my C-section, with only basic over-the-counter medication, to deal with a major operation and a serious infection. Being called “difficult” for not wanting to sit up in bed until I had my painkillers. Let’s just talk for a second about how calling anyone with anxiety issues, “difficult”, can be extremely damaging in itself. It made me feel like an inconvenience. I wanted to go home straight away, but I couldn’t as I was under observation.
During my stay, I was in agony, and I kept receiving the pain medication at the incorrect times, which resulted in some nasty withdrawal symptoms from the whole, traumatic ordeal. Whilst I would only wish to thank the staff involved in my care (they do their absolute best every single day and you can see that). These circumstances resulted in my anxiety levels rising, in a situation and surroundings where there was nobody but my hubby to understand or support me.
The need for a birthing partner who knows you well
They even sent my hubby home, so there were periods when I didn’t have anyone to understand me. And I couldn’t get out of bed or look after myself!
Being in my head at the time, I was honestly afraid of how I would be judged in that situation. Would the nurse caring for her think I was an inadequate mother? Were they making notes about me and recording what was happening? Would I get a visit from social services? Because I was clearly unstable for thinking like this?
He was initially sent home during my labour period, at the pivotal moment when my pain was increasing and I felt like nobody was listening when I said that. Things progressed quickly in his absence and he was called back. However, the endless number of factors that worsened my anxiety during his absence had already made me defensive and less likely to open up. From this point, I felt trapped. And my anxiety spiralled.
The system, funding, and government intervention need to improve. It simply isn’t good enough to have a lack of care, over-tired staff, and possible negative outcomes. When you are dealing with the care of a new mother and child.
The pandemic worsening the situation
To send partners home when they are really the only ones looking after the expectant mother and taking time to understand their needs is unacceptable. The anxiety about mothers being left to fend for themselves only worsened during the pandemic. This Independent article goes into more detail. This Guardian article also touches on the issue.
Possible solutions?
I also don’t believe a one size fits all approach is sufficient when you are dealing with mental health. It would help to have mental health specialists visit patients in the antenatal ward. But it’s all about the lack of funding for services. And whilst some NHS trusts have this specialism, most still don’t. It’s also vital to allow birthing partners to stay with the expectant mother, especially when staff are too busy to care for their needs.
I am eternally grateful to the staff at our local hospital for ensuring our post-pregnancy outcome was as positive as possible given their resources. I am aware some of the issues discussed in this article can lead to negative outcomes for babies and parents. And my thoughts go out to anyone who is impacted.
Need help?
If you are impacted by any of the issues we have touched on in this article. Here are some charities that could help: Tommy’s or Bliss. They are fantastic charities doing a lot of work to help improve maternity services. I’ve also recently come across PaNDAS which specialise in postnatal Depression. Pregnant then screwed is a charity advocating for women’s rights at work.
Why are women STILL afraid to speak out on mental health matters?
The following quote is from a Glamour article and summarises how one woman felt about admitting there was a mental health issue during pregnancy:
“It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who feels ashamed. A woman I know recently told me that when she was pregnant, her mind was in a particularly dark place but she feared that telling someone she felt depressed could result in her baby being taken away when he was born. For months she resisted medication because she thought that being a medicated mom equaled being a bad parent. She has since started medication but is too ashamed to tell her in-laws, and she has gone from wanting multiple children to writing off any future pregnancies.”
Why is this still a problem in our society? And why isn’t someone helping pregnant women be honest and get the help they need? I do think mental health services have improved and are continuing in the right direction, but we still have a long way to go.
The quote above describes the way I felt and the way I was subsequently made to feel by a doctor. How many expectant mothers are turned away and then never have the confidence to ask for help again? As I am quite a strong person, I persisted and luckily got the help I needed. Doing this took every ounce of energy I had though. Just before getting the medication I needed, I booked 10 days holiday from work, because I just couldn’t carry on. I was even afraid to take sick leave because it would be questioned in respect of my pregnancy. I don’t know where I would be without the medication I started taking during pregnancy.
Adding a label to my experiences
It would have been beneficial for the doctor to mention or label, what I was experiencing could be a battle with antenatal depression. Nobody ever mentioned this term to me and it’s only now, looking back on the situation, that I know what it is. It has a name and I can talk about it now.
Is someone spying on me?
During my pre-pregnancy appointments and my stay on the ward (4 days), I remember feeling as though I was being watched. Checked up on, and questioned a lot. The obstetrician was obviously aware of my anxiety issues and I was overweight, which required additional check-up appointments.
Seeing through an anxiety lens
Maybe the staff weren’t acting any differently, just doing their job. The point is I felt like this throughout my care. Up to the point of discharge from the hospital post-pregnancy.
The damage caused by keeping these feelings to yourself at such a vulnerable, unpredictable time in life, is colossal. Then going through possibly the worst trauma of your life and trying to look after a small baby who is totally relying on you. It’s a lot to cope with. And we should be able to open up about it without fear.
My hubby describes me as being reluctant to visit our little pumpkin in the baby unit (she had to be monitored due to an infection). And he puts it down to my pain levels.
Being in my head at the time, I was honestly afraid of how I would be judged in that situation. Would the nurse caring for her think I was an inadequate mother? Were they making notes about me and recording what was happening? Would I get a visit from social services? Because I was clearly unstable for thinking like this?
Pressure to breastfeed
There is so much talk about breastfeeding whilst you’re there and you are made to feel inadequate, whether this is intentional or not. The surroundings also don’t help you get the rest you need: babies crying all night, women screaming in pain. Although I felt for all parties involved and could relate, it isn’t the best setting in which to recover from a major operation with out-of-control anxiety issues.
Techniques that helped me through
Stopping full-time work one month early
The pressure on expectant mothers from the workplace also has to stop! Slowly society is progressing in this area, but the progress isn’t quick enough for me or other poor mothers, who have additional guilt, added to the mixing pot of hormones, emotions, physically struggling, anxiety about life-changing circumstances, and the thought of being responsible for a new baby.
When it came to it, admitting I needed to stop working due to severe hip pain and mental health issues, really helped me. Although having to do this makes you feel inadequate. Nobody at work visited me, whether it be management or HR to ask how I was doing. The only sympathetic comments I got were from other expectant mothers. Who literally felt my pain in respect of lack of support.
Feeling isolated and lonely
It is isolating and lonely to feel like nobody understands how you feel. You’re so tired at that point. It’s too much to try and explain it to someone, who frankly doesn’t understand and doesn’t really want to. I stayed quiet for a lot of time and put my head down until I could finally finish work.
The day I finished work, I visited the doctor after not sleeping all night, feeling sick, and suffering from severe anxiety. And this was the route I took to stop working. It had to reach a breaking point before I could finally stop. They told me not to go back until after my maternity leave ended. The worry then became about limited time with my child. Was I wasting a month before the baby was here? Should I still be working?
Workplaces need to do better
I think workplaces and the government are also accountable for supporting women and making employees feel secure in having children and thriving at their jobs. You shouldn’t have to pick one or the other.
I am a huge fan of the shared paternity leave. The hubby & I have discussed doing it with a second child. Unfortunately, I don’t think enough people know about the option or want to take it up. Hopefully, this will change.
The pressure on expectant mothers from the workplace also has to stop! Slowly society is progressing in this area, but the progress isn’t quick enough for me or other poor mothers, who have additional guilt, added to the mixing pot of hormones, emotions, physically struggling, anxiety about life-changing circumstances, and the thought of being responsible for a new baby.
Self-care
During the month off work pre-pregnancy, I made time for self-care. Baths, naps, candles, chocolate, strawberry laces (even though they made me sick towards the end, with my limited stomach space). Anything that would lift my mood and make me feel a little better.
Although I was hesitant to finish work early, as I was only having 9 months at most with my little pumpkin. It was refreshing to have a month off before the baby came. I did all the things that made me feel better and stopped dragging my overloaded body to the train station every day. To a job where I didn’t feel supported. It was lovely to be out of the toxic environment.
The home was my haven
Nesting – we’ve all heard that term used. To describe a woman’s instinct to prepare for the impending arrival of a brand-new baby. I love this description from a Dad’s perspective.
My hubby was used to the nesting process (I’ve always been obsessed with cleaning). He’s the messy, unorganised one in the relationship and I’m the one who gets excited about new cleaning products. (standards have slipped though, now I have a toddler).
On the subject of men, I would also like to mention, this issue doesn’t just impact mothers. Men’s mental health can also be affected by pregnancy and the aftermath.
What the experience taught me
I have learned my lesson about prioritising the health of myself and my baby. Also, not caring about what other people think. Especially those who have no bearing on my life and the decisions I make. Ultimately you as an individual will know what’s best for you and you should push to receive the help you need. In the future, I would stick up for myself when it comes to doctors’ appointments and medication.
If and when we have another baby, I would do things differently this time. You don’t know what to expect when it’s your first pregnancy. You must experience it for yourself, in order to learn and grow.
Final thoughts
Everyone has their own way of coping with traumatic events and mine is blogging.
I can only relay my personal experience, feelings, and thoughts on this subject. I am aware there are a lot of additional factors and issues surrounding these sensitive subjects,
If you have been affected by any of these issues, let’s all speak out and raise awareness. That’s how change happens. Please feel free to get in touch, or leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you.
In true Mummy Conquering Anxiety fashion, I wanted to post something real and honest for Mental Health Awareness Week this year! I want to remind you all, these posts are hard for me to write and probably, for you to hear. However, the topic is relevant and important. Creating my new beginning, in respect of my career, was the best thing I ever did. And I know other people are experiencing the same treatment at work.
I second guess myself about whether I should publish these posts and therefore, this one has been in the pipeline for a while. However, now is the right time to release this post. Because my work situation is now vastly different. I am a different person, with a different outlook. BUT I will always be a mental health advocate.
The back story
Here goes. I wrote this post a while ago, as a means of getting through one of the most stressful times in my life. As it happens, changing my situation was also the most life-changing.
Following total burnout in my job, I suffered a complete mental breakdown. Cue falling to the floor, tears, not making any sense. Like someone switched off my brain. And it wouldn’t restart. At the time, I didn’t want it to. It was the lowest point of my life. I’d suffered from low points with my mental health in the past. High anxiety levels and depression were common in times of stress, but it was never this bad.
The culture must change. We can no longer pile an unreasonable amount of pressure on employees and expect them not to eventually burn out.
My personal experience
The return to work – almost at my new beginning
Following months’ off work and pressure to return, I went back into the workplace. And eagerly awaited a redundancy date. Having an end date in sight, kept me going.
Ultimately, I was temporarily throwing myself back into a situation where miscommunication and downright rudeness in the workplace, had led me to a mental breakdown. Going back into that situation, for even a day, was going to be a mammoth task. Remember when I returned, I didn’t know how long I would stay in the role. And I don’t do very well with the unknown. It’s one of the biggest drivers of my anxiety. Knowing where I stand and having a routine helps keep it under control.
My life is different and much happier, and I now have support in my new workplace. And I am thankful for the journey because it taught me so much about my mental strength in challenging times.
Getting back into it
Upon my return, I was left alone for the first month, with everyone telling me “we want to make sure you’re okay“, “bear in mind your mental health” and I knew it was bullshit. It was a line they had to say to appear supportive. That’s what some workplaces do. In this day and age, for some businesses, it’s all talk, no action. And I think it’s despicable. I would rather the business be honest and not have a mental health policy at all, rather than provide empty words on such an important topic.
Jobless, ‘unemployed’ was soon going to be my label. All of a sudden I felt a lack of self-confidence. A lack of security. An urge to review my money situation and sort out bills that still needed paying, with one less income. But I still had not recovered fully and didn’t have the energy. A battle between wanting to prioritise myself for once, but lacking the motivation to do so.
I hope EVERYONE starts to place the same physical illness value on mental illness. Especially after we’ve all endured so much trauma lately.
Poor management
Another factor in all my previous job roles, was a lack of knowledge at the top. Yes, managers are there to manage, not necessarily understand how to do your job. But if they don’t have a clue about the work the people they are supposed to be supporting do daily, what’s the point? How will they ever recognise the stress triggers of overworked staff? How do they even know what too much work is?
From a human perspective, we should all be able to communicate appropriately with someone whos suffered a mental breakdown. But this takes training and awareness!
I’ve written previously about how I witnessed rude, biased, and bullying behaviour in workplaces I was part of, and this spans my whole working life. Although I wouldn’t relive the pandemic if I had a choice, I do hope it’s brought significant changes to the office environment in the UK. The culture must change. We can no longer pile an unreasonable amount of pressure on employees and expect them not to eventually burn out.
Where it all went wrong
My first anxiety-filled morning began a while after I returned to work. When you’re constantly having to justify yourself and the work you are completing, it is exhausting. This is what I was being asked to do on this occasion and given my mental health history, I think there was a better way of doing things.
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My thoughts in hindsight
Throughout all of this, I do have some grasp of the fact that employees in the department were under daily stress because of an impending redundancy and I take on board the fact this can impact a person’s behaviour. But it still doesn’t make poor behaviour towards staff correct. And it certainly doesn’t help my already fragile anxiety levels. From a human perspective, we should all be able to communicate appropriately with someone whos suffered a mental breakdown. But this takes training and awareness!
The redundancy announcement
It is hurtful when you’ve invested so much time and energy into your career and it comes to an end in this way. My heart goes out to anyone whos been through or is currently going through a redundancy process.
On the day I found out our redundancy date, I felt numb. I thought I would feel differently. It felt just like any other announcement. Following my mental health struggles, I couldn’t be bothered sorting out the admin and conversations involved in leaving. I wouldn’t feel satisfied until I had left the company and the redundancy money was in my bank.
Jobless, ‘unemployed’ was soon going to be my label. All of a sudden I felt a lack of self-confidence. A lack of security. An urge to review my money situation and sort out bills that still needed paying, with one less income. But I still had not recovered fully and didn’t have the energy. A battle between wanting to prioritise myself for once, but lacking the motivation to do so.
10 days to go – the worst 10 days of my life
10 days to go. Then I would be unemployed. Something I never anticipated I would be happy about. Finally, done and dusted with the workplace that I once loved, but then also caused me unreasonable amounts of stress.
To deal with the anger, I started journaling my feelings. I thought, what’s the point in stressing about this when I had 10 days to go. But bear in mind, that I was now a different person. More protective of my mental health. I viewed life differently. It was great I had grown in confidence to change the situation that broke me. But I was still in the situation that broke me. And I was still facing the same daily battles that sent me to hell and back.
Other posts you may like in the mental health category
Maybe these heightened feelings are normal for anyone going through a redundancy process. It’s probably just part of the process and how your mind accepts the huge change which will be happening to you at any moment. A moment someone else chooses, usually based on money-making and not paying any attention to your life.
The current employment situation in the UK
I can tell you, from my recent experience of visiting the job centre, unstable job conditions have impacted a lot of people and the department is inundated. The knock-on effect of COVID, and greedy CEOs making reckless decisions, together with a failing economy, have created a recipe for disaster. And it’s set to get even worse!
Yes, there are jobs out there, but the game has changed. I’m hoping the shift will eventually benefit office workers and companies to start to value mental health. I hope EVERYONE starts to place the same physical illness value on mental illness. Especially after we’ve all endured so much trauma lately.
Some of you might be asking why I went back to the workplace at all. Well, I wanted and deserved the redundancy payment. I also deserved to be treated like a human being. Bear in mind, that I am an advocate for mental well-being and society ditching the stigma those with mental illnesses suffer. I couldn’t just let this situation slide, without showing up and standing up for myself. In turn, I felt like I was also standing up for other people.
I considered raising concerns, then I weighed this up against the mental exhaustion this would exert and the potential of really gaining anything. In the end, I cut my losses and decided to start putting my energy into my new life.
Work should be a complementary part of our lives, not the thing that makes it unliveable
TO clarify, I’m all for mental health training in the workplace. But it has to be great training, run by people who’ve experienced dealing with a mental health crisis first hand. It can’t just be another set of standard lines companies use to protect themselves.
Trusted training resources
Mind conducts workplace training and I would trust them as a great resource. It’s also great to see the training by Rethink Mental Illness had input from people with lived experience. There are also other smaller companies running mental health training and there is value out there.
Workplaces – please create a different process for mental health absences
Another significant issue that made me feel like my mental illness wasn’t valid, was the return to work process. Workplaces need to create different policies for mental health circumstances. As they would do a terminal illness or a bereavement. Any other unusual situation, which doesn’t fit into the category of physical health.
My hope for HR departments in the future
Whilst I don’t have personal experience of it, I hope other employers are already doing the great things I’ve suggested. I hope this blog post doesn’t need to be read by most companies, but my own experience was just a stand-alone negative one. In conducting some research for this post I found this promising article about HR awards won by a building society. I wish all businesses would adopt this approach.
It’s also important for HR to check the company ethos is being implemented in all departments. And ensure there isn’t a disconnect between individual departments.
The main point
My life is different and much happier, and I now have support in my new workplace. And I am thankful for the journey because it taught me so much about my mental strength in challenging times.
Worrying statistics
The statistics for mental health-related absences in the UK look grim. And some of the research was conducted pre-pandemic. Arguably, we are in a worse position currently. Worst still, people are sometimes dismissed as a result of their mental health struggles.
How can we continue to accept this treatment?
One final note about burnout
Whilst I am still trying to make sense of what happened to me, I faced complete burnout as a result of overdoing it. I want to take this opportunity to tell all my readers this is not the way you have to live. Yes, we all need money. Both I and my hubby have to work to pay bills and live, but it is possible to balance this with looking after your mental health.
My wish for the future is that employers become the ones who prioritise this on behalf of their employees. And they avoid creating a culture where people feel they need to do more for the same money. Employ more staff, reduce the workload, and spend money to ease pressure on your staff!
Will you ever recover from burnout? I have. Granted, I am not the same person I was before. I now take less rubbish and I know, my boundaries. I won’t ever allow a repeat of this situation.
Final thoughts
This is my journal of a tough time in my life. In keeping with the theme of this blog, I wanted to share this with you because I want to help other people in the same situation. I want other people to realise they are not alone. Thankfully, I have recently started a new chapter in my career and I am in a better place.
Let time know what you think of the post in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
Because this is such an emotive issue for me, it would be great to hear from anyone who can relate. Your comments are much appreciated and it helps me and other people know we are not alone in our struggles.
AD / PR – please note – the sessions have been gifted in exchange for my honest thoughts about the process
The theme of mental strength came up in my latest Hypnotherapy session with Kevin. And it’s an important topic I want to explore a little more.
The fight, flight, and fear responses are triggered by our primitive brain and is essentially a safety mechanism which was useful many years ago. It saved the lives of our ancestors. But is it fit for purpose in today’s modern world?
I think it’s still useful, but the world has changed dramatically. Let’s be honest, in 2022 the world a scary place. The planet and its inhabitants are unstable and the feeling something bad could happen at any moment is anxiety-inducing in itself.
Put aside the current condition of the world, and imagine only staying within your family circle. Keeping yourself locked away in your protective bubble. You will still face disagreements, loss, and hurt. There is no avoiding the fact that life will throw us a curve ball, at some point. And it’s only a matter of time.
Rather than dwell on the fact this unpredictable moment is coming, I have chosen to strengthen my mind. So that, when this situation arises, I can respond and react differently.
And it’s going really well, so far. I already feel better. But we have lots more work to do in order to build my mental strength.
Previous posts in this series
If you want to follow my hypnotherapy journey, you can check out the two posts below:
I know these words are true. But it isn’t as simple as just saying this sentence. I certainly don’t feel this way. Currently, I can’t fully control my response to situations that trigger me and this is why I need help to build my mental strength. The science behind hypnotherapy is hugely beneficial, to try to understand how it impacts my thinking (and therefore my behaviours).
At the moment, we are exploring tools to stop the moment anxiety gets out of control and assess the reaction. A lot of research says our reaction is often the thing which causes us the most distress, rather than the event itself. It’s our response to it which is problematic. Obviously in reality it isn’t as simple as this. And the research is more complex than I can explain.
Your reaction is a choice
I hope one day soon I will truly feel the full impact of these words and I can shout them from the rooftops. And fully take control of every reaction I have in life. That’s the goal!
Why choose a therapist to assist you in building mental strength?
There are some people out there who believe you can read a book, or watch YouTube videos to become an expert, I was previously one of them. However, some experiences you need to be guided through. Especially when we are talking about accessing and changing the subconscious mind.
Hypnotherapy is about understanding how the brain works. Knowledge is power. But there is a lot to learn and this can only be done properly by taking it one step at a time. In this respect, weekly or fortnightly sessions provide enough time to consume the information and provide meaning.
I have to put the work in!
Kevin provides me with tools to do my own work. He’s like a guide. How much of the reading I choose to do in between sessions and how many trance recordings I practice in my own time, is completely up to me.
The work we complete during the sessions is also dependent on my life circumstances and the people around me and how I form relationships. We are also looking at the problems I currently face in being able to fully thrive as a person.
Final thoughts
I think people often go to therapy thinking someone will fix them (I did in the past) but change doesn’t happen without the individual wanting to make a change and working to do it.
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Firstly, I should make it clear I am writing this mainly because I want more people to be aware the #JoinIn Twitter hashtag exists. It’s important people know there is someone out there to support them. Even if it isn’t possible to do this face to face right now.
I previously volunteered for a befriending service and did home visits with an elderly person. But the service also offered much-needed telephone conversations. As you can imagine, this could mean the world to a lonely older person. Therefore, I’m aware of how valuable this contact can be.
To clarify, this isn’t about me being a hero or superior to anyone else. I truly believe we are all muddling through life. Any one of us could be lonely one day, or find ourselves in the depths of depression during the Christmas period. If everyone could understand this, or always try to lead with a kind heart, I don’t think the stigma surrounding mental health would be as bad as it is.
What happened on Christmas morning?
All I can tell you is, I felt compelled to support others on Christmas Day. And the #JoinIn Twitter hashtag was my way of doing it.
I will be honest and say when I first saw the campaign in the lead-up to Christmas, I was dubious about committing. The only reason for my reluctance was self-preservation. I’ve learned to look after myself first. I obviously also want to help others and it’s the reason I started my blog. But how can I help others without preserving my mental strength?
Despite my reluctance, something happened on Christmas morning which made me feel I needed to participate. I looked at our little family and I felt grateful. Lucky to be seeing my parents and finally getting to teach my toddler about Santa.
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Giving back
I genuinely loved interacting under the #JoinIn Twitter hashtag on Christmas Day. I still had quality time with my family, but I was also proud to give something back. The Twitter community helped me out of a dark place. To recover from a mental breakdown.
In a similar way to my blogging journey, this then made me think of all the people who wouldn’t have this luxury. We couldn’t see some family members because of a positive covid test. Therefore I was all too aware some people might just be isolated this year to avoid spreading the virus.
These selfless, kind people needed someone to connect with. To clarify, this isn’t about me being a hero or superior to anyone else. I truly believe we are all muddling through life. Any one of us could be lonely one day, or find ourselves in the depths of depression during the Christmas period. If everyone could understand this, or always try to lead with a kind heart, I don’t think the stigma surrounding mental health would be as bad as it is.
I’ve found receiving and giving the following to others really does help to transform your life.
Compassion
Gratitude
Kindness
Support
Empathy
Love
Hugs
Understanding
I wish everyone would show more of these qualities. The world would be a better place.
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Sarah Millican is an amazing human being for starting the #JoinIn Twitter hashtag and also taking time out of her Christmas day to chat with everyone. I honestly think it’s so lovely. Through her shows, she also raised an amazing amount of money for Mind. A charity doing amazing work to support those with mental health problems.
When confronting my own mental health issues in the past, I’ve always found therapy helped. Something about talking to a stranger means you lower your guard and can often be more honest. I truly think the same concept works online. I’ve sometimes felt more supported by strangers online than people close to me.
My wish and the reason I am writing this
I want to spread the word to everyone. this support exists on Twitter. I would like the chat to continue and I know there are some people who want to do this.
The main thing we all need to be aware of is there is someone there to talk if you feel you need it. And that is priceless. It warmed my heart to see the exchange of kind messages!
Final thoughts
Please come and chat with me in the comments below and let me know what you think of the #JoinIn Twitter hashtag.
As a mum, let alone any parent, it feels nearly impossible to have some time to yourself, right? Not only do you have the kids, but you have work, you have a household to run (including chores), you have to tend to your spouse, and let’s not forget your friends and family. It’s a lot, and it can be overwhelming.
Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world and there’s no doubt about it that it can be insanely stressful to the point of a mental breakdown. But how can you destress and unwind? While there isn’t some perfect equation, these are some ideas to help you hold on just a little longer.
Everyone, no matter what age they are, will need to have some “me time”. This includes your little ones as well, as they need to learn to find themselves as entertainment. Maybe your time can happen during your children’s nap time, or when you put them in bed for the night.
Just try to give yourself at least 30 minutes of “me time” each day. Just do whatever you want, as long as it helps you feel better. Many mums and parents, they’ll nap, read, exercise, or watch shows. Give this to yourself, you’re human, you need it.
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Play with your children
Sounds odd, right? Well, depending on the age of your little ones, playing with them could be exactly what you need. Why not let them play with you, something that you love? For instance, you love to go out and do some gardening. For your child, they will consider this as a form of playtime. You get to spend time with them, they get to have fun, and you get to pretty up the garden, it’s a win! Other ideas can include puzzles or even playing video games together.
Give yourself a Spa Day
You don’t have to spend an arm and a leg just to go to a nice spa. Why not bring the whole spa day at home? This can include buying a plush Richard Haworth bathrobe and towel set. Why not play some relaxing music, take a long bath, and have some champagne? Even if you can’t afford a full spa day, at least give yourself an hour or two of being alone and enjoying the self-care you can give yourself. Even something as short as this can help your mentality out.
Look into other ways to de-stress
Being around friends can be one of the greatest ways to just really destress and unwind. So never neglect trying out this method. Usually, hanging out with friends can be a great way to have some of that “me-time” while still getting to interact with friends and keep those connections strong as well.
So, look into doing this, as this is a great way to give yourself the chance to let go. Never feel guilty for needing some time to destress, parenting is tough, and having little to no time to yourself can actually lead to burnout.
Talking about mental health not only will help you with your own mental health struggles, but it also shows other people they are not alone. It can be extremely isolating when you are struggling with your mental health, especially with a stigma attached to them. According to Mind, 1 in 4 people will struggle with their mental health. There has never been a more important time to open up about mental health and have more conversations within your community.
To get started, it is important to learn more about mental health. This awareness will help you understand your own struggles better, and how to have relevant conversations. Conversations are important to show people they are not alone and provide them with hope. You can research online, speak to a specialist, or you can have a look at participating in adult MHFA courses. You can talk about mental health in your local community, within businesses, or at online conferences. You can also have conversations with friends and family. Every conversation will have a positive impact.
If you are on the fence about having a conversation about mental health, here are some of the reasons why it is important.
#1 Reduce the stigma
Unfortunately, mental health has a negative stigma attached to it. This is due to a variety of reasons, such as personal beliefs, as well as fear and a general lack of understanding. Mental health has been represented in a variety of ways that is not very accurate, which has misled the societal beliefs around certain conditions, especially for conditions that leave a person to act what is deemed outside the norm. The more people who are vulnerable, and open up about mental health, the more it can be destigmatised and accepted within society. This will make people feel a lot more comfortable.
#2 Help others feel less alone
If you are struggling with a mental health problem, it can be extremely isolating. You may feel the need to isolate yourself, or perhaps you no longer have the energy to be around your friends. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression, or exacerbate any existing conditions. When you have more conversations about mental health, you can show them that they are not alone, and support them in building confidence to live their life.
#3 More people would feel comfortable seeking help
One of the hardest things to do when you are struggling with your mental health is to seek support. This can often be because of the condition itself, or the stigma attached to it. When there are more conversations and vulnerability within society, it provides people who feel hopeless and alone, with some hope that change for them is possible. It can also help them understand their conditions better, and learn about what kind of support is available for them. It will be extremely helpful in helping people build confidence to ask for help.
Having a conversation about mental health may be hard at first as it requires you to be vulnerable. However, if you have confidence in yourself, these conversations can be extremely valuable and help many people in society who are struggling.
Does anyone remember the iconic board games you used to play as a child? They even made those travel-size ones so your parents could entertain you on the aeroplane. Maybe as an adult, you have a life-sized chess set ( I really want one of those regal-looking chess tables, except I don’t know how to play!). Someone, please tell me in the comments, that they have battleships. Or operation?
In this post, I am going to delve into why we loved playing these games so much as children. And also why we remember them so fondly.
The benefits of playing board games
Teaches you patience
For anyone who ever participated in a family game of monopoly, you will appreciate the level of patience required. This game can cause ongoing family disputes. Let me know in the comments below whether this game has ever caused you a family rift.
Playing a game of this nature requires small moves in order to lead to a bigger goal. Like goal setting as an adult. With the end result meeting your goal. Bring the winner, or make progress. Depending on how you look at life. Or how competitive you are.
You experience winning and losing
We are in the process of teaching my little one, life isn’t always about winning. It’s a hard lesson to learn, even for an adult.
Playing board games will teach her about being both the winner and the loser. Hopefully how adults process these emotions, and how to act accordingly when each one of these eventualities happens.
Teaching a person that it isn’t always about winning, but it is about making progress and participating, is one of the best lessons to learn.
They help you meet new people
In recent years, the rise of board game cafes and other social spaces offering board games makes me happy. Hopefully, holiday lets might bring them back soon, now we are in a somewhat post-pandemic phase. I used to love checking into our holiday cottage and searching for the board games cupboard.
Does anyone remember the World Of Warcraft centres? You only have to take a look at Twitch or YouTube to realise the gaming industry is huge. However, I am still a fan of the old iconic games, and whenever we show my little one them, she is too.
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Playing board games enhances creativity and self-confidence
I am a huge fan of any activity which increases creativity and self-confidence. Board games can be particularly beneficial for quiet individuals and connecting with young children, as a way to focus their minds and allow conversation. As an introvert myself, I love being part of something but also have a chance to sit back and take in what all the other players are doing.
Board games increase brain function
It is well known that engaging in play assists in practising essential cognitive skills, such as problem-solving, decision making, and higher-level strategic thinking. These are all measures my little one’s nursery and the school put in place for her to attain. And also essential skills we want to equip her with, as parents.
Encourages laughter
The twists and turns in any board game, or forgetting to take your turn in monopoly, can create laughter throughout the participants. And we all love an activity which creates laughter.
You can play board games anywhere at any time
There are no restrictions on your time when playing board games. You can practice by yourself, and lose yourself in learning how to master the game. Or you can spend hours trying to beat your opponents. I personally love any activity which allows you to lose time and immerse yourself in the experience.The world can be a scary place and escaping into a game can help your mental well-being.
In the world of tech, it’s also easy to play on your computer or phone. Maybe bring back some of those fond memories, play on a tablet with your child or partner and reap the benefits listed above.
Board games promote family time
Family time is something I am a huge advocate of. I’ve recently changed my circumstances to enable more time with my little one. And as a family, we try and do a few creative activities each day. Even when we have tablet time, we try to make this as interactive as possible and purposefully pick programmes and apps which allow for learning and development.
Help children understand how adults think
Toddlers love to mimic the world around them and it’s how they learn. What better lesson than sitting down and witnessing the critical, analytical thinking involved in a board game? It’s a valuable lesson we must teach our children.
My fond memories from childhood
I still remember the joy and anticipation I felt each time I played operation at my grandma’s house. Such a simple game brought hours of fun. It allowed my grandma to join in, but probably also sit comfortably (something anyone caring for children needs to be able to do – as a must. As a parent, I realise that now).
Battleships was another one of my favourite games and I would play with my dad and my grandad. When remembering these moments, they are etched in my mind so vividly. And I remember the pure joy attached to the moment.
Final thoughts
What are your fond memories from childhood?
Tell me your favourite board game. And whether you play these online or with the physical item? Do you love to do both?
I would love to hear from you in the comments below.
Guest post – I am honoured to welcome Jason who has written an amazing guest post about parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis
Let’s dive in…
PART 2 will be published later this week...
The earliest years of parenthood are hard. Really hard, actually. Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is especially difficult.
It’s a time when stressors go up, stress relievers go down. And your scope of responsibility skyrockets in the most beautiful, but also complex and exhausting ways. For those of us who enter these years with a mental health disorder, some aspects of parenting may be more complicated than others. Especially if, as I did, you have to make parenting and treatment work at the same time. It’s doable, but it’s not easy.
Below, I will explain why.
When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
Here’s why:
Confronting a mental health disorder while parenting poses a difficult paradox. You’ve likely never had a better or more pressing reason to get better. But you also have to contend with two new complications. First, all the usual blocks to mental health treatment. Including, stigma, lack of information and resources. These feel even more pronounced because of the added responsibilities and complexities of parenthood.
Second, mental health treatment and parenting require many of the same resources. Energy, meaningful attention, information, time, and money. As any new parent will tell you, those resources are strained and limited at the best of times. In my case, I only learned this lesson after trying (and failing) to ‘power through’ what I thought were typical ‘new parent worries’. Only to discover that what I was trying to manage were clinical OCD symptoms.
My own challenges
Over the next year and a half, I spent many long days and nights learning how to be a parent and manage my mental health at the same time. In the earliest months of my therapy journey, I was struck by one question above all others. Why don’t more people talk about the challenges of managing mental health treatment and parenting at the same time? As we’ll see, there are numerous answers to this question, but for now, let’s start with a seemingly obvious but deceptively insidious reason: stigma.
Paradoxes, Parenting and Stigma
Fred Rogers once said that anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable is manageable. I know, from personal experience, that Mr. Rogers’ words are as true now as when he first said them. But it’s also been my experience that certain aspects of parenting are more mentionable, and, by extension, more manageable than others.
Parenting twins with an OCD diagnosis is difficult because the fact is, it’s not easy to admit you’re suffering from a mental health disorder when you’re a parent. There are real and daunting fears of the stigma that come with opening up about your struggles. For me, these fears manifested in the form of some daunting and complicated questions.
What will people think?
Parenting is a visceral journey that often defines at least part of a person’s life and identity. With strong emotions come strong opinions. If it’s something we teach to kids, be it feeding, sleeping, toileting or discipline, someone has an opinion about it.
In one sense, a range of opinions is helpful because it allows parents to make informed decisions, but in another sense, it adds pressure and judgment to every decision we make. When you add mental health stigma to the pressures of parenting, you reach a simple but troubling conclusion. The mere existence of mental health stigma prevents some people from seeking mental health support when they need it most.
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Think of it this way: when are you most likely to need help? When you’re struggling, of course. However, when are you least likely to admit that you’re vulnerable? For most people, the answer to the question is likely a time when you’re responsible for something important to you.
For me, the answer was the day I became a Dad. To say it was a stressful collision of circumstances is an understatement, at best. I would like to say I immediately admitted to my struggles and sought help, but I didn’t. I resisted the reality of my situation because I was stuck. And, I was stuck because I couldn’t answer another important question about my symptoms.
Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted.
What does my mental health (or lack thereof) say about me as a parent?
Anxiety thrives in the hypothetical. When I first experienced an onset of clinical OCD symptoms, my mind went into overdrive about what my symptoms meant for me and my family. Was I sick for life? Was I cursed? Was I just too weak to manage my new responsibilities? Part of me knew that these questions were irrational. But another part of me worried that admitting to my symptoms would trigger stigma towards me from others, and, ultimately, affect the way they saw me as a parent.
The irony was, anyone who knew me well could see that I was suffering anyway. Or, to be more precise, they could see that I was trying to cover the fact I was suffering. In retrospect, I can see many ways OCD affected my parenting in my earliest months of Dadhood. To dissuade others from missing similar details, I’ve listed several of my most prevalent behaviours below.
Check out similar blog posts in the mental health category
OCD and Parenting: Conflicting Emotions, Conflicting Behaviours
Having kids is touted as a joyous experience, and in so many ways, it is. For me, though, having kids also meant spikes in stress and anxiety. The likes of which I had never felt before. From the moment I first held my boys, I felt dedicated to their growth, happiness, and protection. I loved those feelings. The problem was, my malfunctioning brain took those natural parental emotions, swirled them up with obsessions, and sent my mind into a tailspin. I never doubted I loved my boys, but my anxieties and emotions were so out of control I couldn’t love every moment of raising them, at least not at first. Here’s how those feelings manifested in day-to-day life.
Zero to One Thousand
A baby crying isn’t just an early attempt at communication. It’s a biological chain reaction designed to alert parents to their children’s needs and to prompt them to act. To an obsessive-compulsive brain, a baby crying is like strapping a rocket to a race car. Your brain is already in non-stop stress response mode. And then it gets flooded with another round of stress hormones every time your baby cries. Consider, for example, a normal parental response to baby crying:
1. Baby cries.
2. Parent hears the cry.
3. Parent thinks, ‘I need to go check on the baby’.
4. Parent calmly goes to the baby.
5. Parent assesses the baby’s needs and offers food, comfort, and attention as needed.
It’s a logical sequence of baby care, and it’s what I expected to be doing when I heard my babies crying. I was wrong. Here’s what my reaction cycle looked like:
1. Baby cries.
2. I hear the cry.
3. My chest tightens, and my heart rate goes up.
4. I start picturing worst-case scenarios and wondering which one of them is playing out.
5. I bolt up from what I’m doing.
6. I go to my babies and start to assess them for serious injuries and missing vital signs.
7. I realise they’re OK, and I start trying to calm everyone down, including myself.
The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my own head because I couldn’t see beyond my own thoughts.
What you’re seeing is the effect of increased stress hormones on an already-imbalanced set of neural circuits. The logical parent in me knew crying was normal and encouraged me to react rationally. The OCD part of me jumped straight to the worst-case scenario. Extreme reactions are great for extreme situations, but they’re not practical for responding to the everyday ups and downs of raising kids. The inner battle of deciding which feeling was right was constant and agonizing. It was a seemingly endless process that often left me emotionally exhausted. Speaking of which.
Emotional Exhaustion
Raising kids takes a lot of patience and resilience. To manage those ups and downs successfully, you need emotional energy. When my OCD symptoms were at their worst, I was running on emotional fumes. Sleep times meant I could relax physically, but it also meant lying alone with my brain and fighting off non-stop obsessions. By the time I went into the nursery to get my boys up for their next feed, it was like I had just returned from hiking on an icy mountain top. I felt relieved, but I was mentally and emotionally fried.
When my symptoms were at their worst, I was frequently frustrated, irritable, and difficult to be around for my wife and family. Simple messes and spills were an infuriating disaster. Stubbing my toe made me feel like the universe was conspiring against me. It’s not that I’m a petty person. Normally, those things don’t bother me. The problem was I had no patience for minor annoyances because all my emotional energy was being spent on managing my obsessions and compulsions. Over time, getting through the motions of day-to-day life became harder and harder. The longer I tried to tough it out, the more exhausted I became. Still, I pressed on, thinking it was only a matter of time before things got better. When that approach didn’t work, I tried to find relief by exercising more control over my circumstances.
Overprotective (No, Like Really Overprotective)
It’s natural to feel reasonably protective of your kids, but OCD makes it hard to react calmly and rationally to even the possibility of a threat. Some of my worst obsessions were based on my kids choking, drowning, and falling from heights. Combined with a parent’s emotions, those obsessions made feedings, bath time, and carrying my boys up and down stairs difficult.
I reacted with fight-or-flight intensity to the slightest hint of choking, unexpected slips in water. And even the slightest of squirms when I carried them up and downstairs. In other words, I acted as if there was a real threat based on the possibility of a hazard. OCD is like that. It makes you believe that situations are either completely safe or imminently dangerous. That your actions are the difference between the two.
There isn’t a place or situation on planet Earth that is one hundred percent safe, and kids have to take risks to learn their limitations. But at first, I couldn’t accept this. Believe it or not, that approach made perfect sense to me. After all, I was just doing my parental duties, wasn’t I? As it turns out, even those were harder than I thought.
Parenting Duties
I had a lot of trouble learning how to put shirts on my sons. That’s not a typo. I had to ‘learn’ how to do it. Here’s why: babies are tiny and delicate. When I pull a shirt over my head, I line my head up with the hole and pull. I can do that because my neck is strong. It doesn’t move when I put on a shirt. My sons were little, and their necks were delicate. In my head, that meant risk for them, and life-or-death responsibility for me.
For most parents, the delicacy of a baby is just a reminder to be reasonably cautious. For me, it meant I needed a procedure to ensure there was zero risk of breaking my kids’ necks, or of them suffocating if the shirt got stuck at their noses or mouths on the way down to their bodies. Most times I was successful, but when a shirt did get stuck, I had to remove it and find another way to put it on. Or find a new shirt altogether.
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I also tried to only use shirts with extra-wide head holes, and if the head hole wasn’t wide enough, I would stretch it before putting it on (let’s just say my wife – the one who did all the clothes shopping – was none too pleased about that). Remember, neither of us knew about my OCD diagnosis at first, so there was confusion and frustration all around.
Where am I now?
Looking back, part of me feels proud I didn’t let my symptoms ruin my parenting altogether. Dressing my boys was difficult, but I still dressed them. Diaper changes were stressful, but I still did them. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. I just wish I could’ve enjoyed those things without feeling like I was navigating a life-or-death situation. The problem was, I was locked in a state of flared emotions and rigid thinking. I couldn’t think outside my head because I couldn’t see beyond my thoughts.
Thankfully, with the help of a brilliant therapist and a supportive family, I found the strategies I was looking for.
Final thoughts
If you’d like to know more about the practicalities of making OCD, therapy, and parenting work together, be sure to check out part two of this blog series for more information. You can also find my book, which contains all the gritty details mentioned in this blog and more, at http://www.theocdad.ca.
A few final words from me
I want to thank Jason for sharing this honest post about parenting struggles whilst managing a mental health condition. I was emotional when I first read through this post, simply because I totally relate to the struggles. I also relate to the guilt you feel for not being your best self as a parent.
I hope this post helps someone out there, and I can’t wait to share part two with you all later in the week.
Recovery from my breakdown was not an easy task. Previously I viewed self-care as selfish. I would be doing something (watching TV in bed or taking a bath) and thinking this is selfish, I need to be doing something more productive.
Even in my self-care moments, I was overthinking. Not living in the moment and taking time to recharge, but thinking about the long list of things that needed to be done. Constantly questioning how efficient it was to be taking self-care moments instead of focusing on a more productive task. Madness I know.
The pandemic and my breakdown taught me self-care is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. In order to function in life, you have to recharge your batteries, and you must look after yourself. You cannot run on empty and if you try to, you will soon get to breaking point.
One day at a time. Suffering from anxiety & depression really is like this. One day you feel not too bad and the next morning, you are back to square one again. You can have a lovely, productive, semi-stress-free morning and it can all turn upside down in the afternoon. It’s a constant battle to heal from rock bottom.
Quick note: Mummy Conquering Anxiety is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program. Some of the links contained on this page are affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission. I only recommend products I use myself and think would be useful for other people.
These are the seven activities that helped pull me out of the fog:
Lets get started…
1. Baths
A long hot soak with my luxury bathing products. This set is amazing. When I was in the midst of anxiety-filled days, this really helped de-stress me, just a little. To settle me down, and ease the worrying for a short period of time.
It also relaxed me. I was taking a lot of naps at the time, because the anxiety and overthinking constantly, was so draining. Sleeping makes it all go away for a while and is essential to recovery. Whilst I needed to sleep in order to recover, it’s difficult to settle down when your brain is always switched on, and wearing itself out with ridiculous, but very valid thoughts and feelings.
The bath relaxed me enough to take a nap. To finally switch my mind off for a bit.
2. Do something outside of your usual routine
To recover from my breakdown the doctor suggested doing something each day outside my normal routine. Especially because I had gone from working full time to now having to find activities (as well as setting aside time to heal).
These were some of the things I did:
Sitting in the park – watching the world go by, meeting the same dog walkers each day, looking at wildlife, and getting some sunshine. All these things are great for the soul, but I never had time to do them previously (at least that’s what the anxiety told me!)
This podcast is amazing. I get my daily dose whilst sitting in the sunshine!
Walking a different route home – I am usually a habitual person and tend to keep the same consistent routine. Doing a small thing in a different way, retrains your brain to new pathways and ways of viewing the world. Everyday during my recovery, I would walk a different way home, notice different things and feel free for doing one task differently. It was sticking two fingers up to the anxiety, because it previously told me to do things in a certain order
Doing tasks in a different order – when cleaning, I made small changes to the routine, even split the cleaning over two days or missed some out (for me this is a BIG thing). My anxiety would usually tell me, all the cleaning must be done now, people are visiting, we can’t have a dirty house – it’s a lot of pressure to live up to. Doing things differently can retrain your thoughts
Want more useful tips for activities to try…
Whilst we are on the subject, I have to admit I also get excited by these cleaning products, they smell amazing.
Sitting in the sunshine – having mainly office jobs in my career, my time sitting in the sunshine was very limited. It was nice to use a lovely sunny day to recover. It definitely makes you feel better
Spending time with friends & family – I had always done this previously, but now they were aware of my situation, as I shared the struggles I’d experienced over many years. This changed the dynamic and allowed people to help me heal. Letting people in does help your recovery, as they start to understand why you behave the way you do and the daily struggles you face
Learning – I’ve always loved learning new things. We watch a lot of documentaries in our house & both have degrees (we mainly loved the university lifestyle, meeting people and learning – also the crazy party days!). We still have a passion for learning & exploring. Starting this blog helped me vent and gave me many new learning opportunites
I love taking free or cheap online courses. These are some of the websites I’ve used in the past:
Eventbrite – they have free online workshops and if you miss the actual event, they email you the details so you can soak up the information at a later date
Centre Of Excellence – a range of cheap courses, particularly in areas of self-care and mindfulness
Daily OM – The beauty of their courses is you can choose an amount to pay. This makes learning affordable for you. The courses are also easy to navigate and interesting to work through
Future Learn – a range of courses in a wide range of subjects (some are free)
OpenLearn – this is one I haven’t yet tried, but I have it saved in my favourites. If anyone has done their courses, let me know below
Writing this blog post has inspired me to finish all those half-done courses!
Retraining my brain certainly helped me recover from my breakdown. I’ve worked very hard to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones.
The science behind neuroplasticity suggests retraining your brain really is a thing! How exciting, we can essentially undo negative behaviours and teach ourselves to do things differently.
I’ve previously attended training covering neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), mindfulness, and hypnotherapy with this guy and it’s fantastic. Here is the website, have a look at the courses if you want to learn more.
3. Walking
In my past life, I ran two 10k races for charity and several other 5K ones, including wading through mud!
These days I don’t do much running, but walking makes me feel fit & healthy. It also allows me to be out in the fresh air and it clears my mind. During the pandemic, it was difficult to keep up with any sort of walking routine, and I think this had an impact on many people. Doing the nursery drop, walking to the shop, any form of walking will take you out of your head for a little while and make you feel better.
You can do this…
Even in those moments when you’re recovering and don’t feel like doing it, try and get out there. Once you do it, you’ll feel a little better.
Because I was at such a low point, I almost had to force myself. I had a default mindset – doing something must be better than moping around. It can’t get any worse when you’re at rock bottom already.
Exercise does help mental health and my plan is to maintain some form of exercise regularly every week. I don’t know what that will look like yet, but I am putting plans in place to reduce a relapse (I could be a yoga master in future, who knows – watch this space).
4. Going out with friends
The joy of having a girly chat, over wine, with someone who understands and supports you. We all need it. Especially as I am now surrounding myself with positive, like-minded people. These people understanding if I cancel plans last minute or I’m feeling too exhausted.
These positive connections massively helped me recover from my breakdown and it’s something I intend to continue, however hectic life may get. You have to find time for these essential activities.
5. Being kind and not judging
Be kind to yourself – since my breakdown, I’ve made a point of thinking positive thoughts and not letting the anxiety self-talk impact me as much (easier said than done sometimes)
Be kind to others – I’ve always tried to make time for charity & volunteering and its something I would love to get back into. I am also more open to making connections with random strangers, something I would previously shy away from
Don’t judge – other people may look put together from the outside, (my family & friends didn’t even know I had anxiety issues and how severe they were) but everyone is facing their own struggles. Anxiety sometimes makes you judge others, as a defence mechanism – it’s another irrational aspect of anxiety. Being open to other people is something that helped my recovery. Human beings are built to make connections, not shy away from one another
6. Positive self-talk
It really is a thing! When I suffer the impact of high anxiety levels, this usually involves me telling myself negative thoughts over & over again, until they become a reality. Although I have no control over this at the time, you can see how damaging it can be.
Focusing on the positive aspects of life and repeating positive mantras, out loud, or in my head has helped. I am consciously not allowing negative, self-doubt thoughts to creep in.
In all honesty, it isn’t about eliminating these thoughts (I don’t think I will ever achieve this), but recognising when they come along and doing something about it.
I’ve had this workbook and the I am here now journal for a while now. I love working through these books when I don’t feel great, but I intend to start doing it as part of my weekly routine. I’ve just added this workbook to my Amazon wishlist.
7. Creativity
Since starting this blog, I have had something positive to focus on each day. I can create, share, get my thoughts out, and have a goal in mind. All of these aspects are helping my recovery.
Recovering from my breakdown isn’t easy and in the early days, I struggled to get anything done. But using my brain creatively has helped me.
I recently had a discussion about how child-like activities can help adults suffering from mental health conditions. I noticed any activity I did with my little girl, whether it be painting, drawing, making crafts, relaxed me and I would often continue the activity after she got bored and moved on to the next thing. I then wrote a blog post all about it.
I am still a work in progress and probably always will be!
Final thoughts
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading. If you have, please feel free to leave a comment. If you have any useful tips to recover from a breakdown, please share them below. I would love to hear from you
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